


Lost in a Wild World

by cleardays



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Accidents, Art, Concerts, Drama, Drug Use, Family Issues, I'm Bad At Tagging, Leaving Home, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Parties, Past Domestic Violence, Recreational Drug Use, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Secrets, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-11-05 21:29:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 46
Words: 132,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11021955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleardays/pseuds/cleardays
Summary: A British based band by the name of Bastille makes a stop in a local town. Everyone fan, every girl, every guy is aware of this, except Alayna Pinson. When the band seem to get themselves into a spot of bother, they run into a clueless Alayna, and despite her wishes to get on with her life, that was all it took to kick off the whole story...





	1. 01. Warmth

# 01\. Warmth

There wasn't really anywhere in particular to start. I was twenty four with a closed up nose piercing, working in an out-of-fashion clothes store and my hair tied up in a scruffy mess, despite being early to work. The humidity in the store was too much.

Whilst I was on the tills, waiting for someone to buy something, I started drumming my nails on the surface in front of me. None of my friends were on tills, and my brain was beginning to tire.

Yet again, I had to get my brain into gear when a customer came to my till. I forced a smile at her and started to scan her things when she opened her mouth to speak. You see, I liked her up until then. She was cute looking teen with pigtails. At least, _she was._

"There's this band coming into town, did you hear?" she wondered, her high voice shattering my ear drums.

Mentally pinching myself, I smiled at her again. Well, if I was in a bad, tired mood, I usually just lied.

"Yes, I have, can't wait," I answered her somewhat cheerfully, only because I saw my manager from across the store staring at me.

All of a sudden, she started jumping up and down as if she had a cockroach in her pants or something. I did nothing but watch her as I scanned the rest of her skimpy items of clothing. Hey, I was just a girl working on tills. _I wasn't meant to judge. I was neutral, completely neutral._

"They're so good!" she beamed.

There I stood, with my hands together, waiting for the not-so-cute teen to remember that she actually had to pay. With money. Physically, or somewhat digitally. It took her a minute to compose herself and realise where she was before handing over a card. _Woah. She did not look old enough._ To my surprise, the payment went through, I bagged up her stuff and gave her a receipt and she was on her way!

After the girl left, there was music playing in the shop. The only thing decent about my workplace was the music as the playlists were always satisfactory.

_Hold me in this wild, wild world_

  
_'Cause in your warmth I forget how cold it can be_

  
_And in your heat I feel how cold it can get_

 

I closed my eyes, letting the words sing to me. Whoever was singing it had a hell of a vocal range, let alone voice.

One second, I was listening to the music, the next, I got a heart attack when I felt someone touch my arm. The heat, strangely, still managed to remain on my skin.

As expected, a middle age man stood in front of me. _There wasn't a need to touch me or anything._ Regardless, he smiled at me in a creepy way as I was scanning the stuff he'd picked up. It was weird, because I didn't really come across many creeps on my job. Regardless, I had to smile back at him and, you know, do my job.

"There's a band making a stop here tonight," he pointed out.

My eye twitched. _I was sure I'd heard that somewhere before. Maybe five or so minutes ago or something like that. Oh right, that girl. The girl with the pigtails and the card which was definitely more shiny than mine. Not that I was jealous or anything._ I mean, it had to be new.

"My daughter loves them. I do too, they're pretty amazing," he went on.

In the end, I just nodded and agreed to everything he said. I couldn't be bothered to make decent conversation, so I was very mono syllabic.

At the end of my shift, I was making my way out of the staffroom when one of my colleagues, Marty, got my attention. He was a very lankly lad, with dull brown hair and he constantly wore a cheeky grin.

"Alayna!" he called.

Awkwardly, I turned around. Nobody really talked to me except Luna and Polly. They were girls my age. We didn't really talk to anyone else. Why was Marty calling my name all of a sudden? Did he have a problem with me or something? Despite all the negative thoughts that surrounded my brain, I turned around.

"Come over a sec," Marty urged.

Unfortunately, there was nobody in the staffroom besides him and myself. Everyone else was on a late shift, I guessed. If he was trying to play a prank on me or something, at least nobody else would be able to see. _As if I was thinking about that._ I looked around. _Still nobody in sight. What was he up to?_

"What can I do for you?" I asked, with a forced smile and reasonable tone of voice, as if I was talking to a customer.

For a moment, Marty rummaged around in his pockets for something. It eased my nerves a little, watching him look a little silly. When he had found what he was looking for, he cupped his hands so that I couldn't see.

"I don't want you to freak out or anything," Marty pointed out.

I frowned at him, then a chuckle escaped my mouth. Feeling amused, I studied his facial expression.

"Why? It's not a dead body, is it?"

A chuckle escaped from Marty's mouth too. He told me to raise my left arm a little, so I did. I watched as he revealed a sparkling bracelet. For all I knew, it could be expensive, maybe not. He fitted it to my wrist with shaking hands. Marty's hands were very warm. I raised my head to look at him.

"This is for me? That's really nice of you," I thanked him.

Marty nodded, poking his fingers over and over again, though I didn't really know why he seemed on edge.

"So you're not freaked out or anything? At all?" he questioned me.

I laughed, shaking my head. Marty seemed relieved by my answer because he sighed deeply and grinned at me. I thanked him again before leaving the staffroom, thinking nothing more of the incident as I got out of the building.

Some girls from my workplace were standing outside smoking, since they were taking their break. Those girls were my friends, Polly and Luna. They were both reasonably taller than me, even though I was 5'5. Luna was 5'7 and Polly was 5'8. Luna had long, voluminous brown hair, and she was a rebel with the uniform because she _always_ had her shirt buttons undone. Polly, however always had her hair in two braids, and she was blonde with a face full of makeup and a bubbly personality. I laughed as soon as I saw Luna smoking, and she grabbed the cigarette and stamped it to the ground.

"I saw you, silly. You were meant to be giving up, am I right?" I accused her.

We all laughed it off, because we were friends, and that's what we did. My, we did say some terrible stuff about each other, but hell, it was funny.

"It was Polly. The cow tempted me," Luna blamed her, in a high pitched voice.

This caused Polly to laugh so hard that she almost choked on the smoke coming from the cigarette she was smoking. Some of it blew in Luna's face, (just like her attempt to fool me) much to her dismay since she had just sacrificed hers a minute or so ago.

"I did _not_ tempt her, the nicotine did," Polly protested.

I watched the pair of them squabble and laugh together, though I did have a home to be getting to, so I slowly started backing away. When they noticed I was leaving, they wished me goodbye.

"Nice bracelet, bitch!" Luna shouted.

I had a giggle to myself as I walked down the street, dodging people, letting people past and trying to get to where I needed to be. I watched the bracelet Marty had given me shimmer in the gorgeous light of an evening in April. My house was ten minutes away by foot, so I didn't have far to walk. It was quite good weather for April, so that was the only highlight of my day. _Ah. In the eyes of Alayna Pinson._

Two minutes or so into my walk, I saw the weirdest thing ever. There was a big cluster of girls gathering in the square, most of them with skimpy clothes on and jumping up and down randomly. Some of them were looking around for something, like one of them had let their pet pig loose.

Nosily, I walked a long a little more to see what all the fuss was about, nearing a narrow alleyway. When I realised I didn't have the right kind of angle, I started walking further, only to be grabbed by a stranger.

Suddenly, my back was against a cold wall, and I was holding my breath. _Great. A long, hot, sweaty day at work, all to be twisted to a stranger's will. Just great._ He placed his hand over my mouth, and it was as if he realised that when I hadn't said anything, he took his hand away. The guy that grabbed me must have been about six foot with electric blue eyes and perfectly styled wild dark brown hair. The guy was wearing a rolled up jacket along with casual attire. Alongside him were three other men who were quite tall and dressed in similar ways.

The guy with the blue eyes looked at me.

"You know who I am? Who we are?" he questioned me.

My heart was racing, and I was starting to get a bit frightened. _What if they were criminals on the run or something? What if they were going to-_

"I-I-I don't know. P-P-Please let me go," I stammered, feeling my knees getting weak.

My heart was pumping faster and faster now. They were all staring at me, and I didn't know what to do because nobody from the street was looking in the direction of the alleyway. I was stuck.

"Bastille?" the guy said.

I hadn't really understood what he had meant, so I shook my head and tried to back away from him slightly. There was something about him, he looked lost, somewhat desperate.

"OK, we need your help."

Seeing that he must have been joking, I blinked at him. When I realised that he was being remotely serious, I relaxed a little and improved my body language.

"My help?"

The guy gestured the group of girls that I had seen searching for something through the town. They looked really determined.

"Have those girls gone? We're passing through, and they're pretty keen."

I shrugged my shoulders, and we waited around for about five minutes until we were sure that the coast was clear. I let them know that none of the crazy girls were hanging about and that they could continue on with their lives. Just as I was about to leave and get on with _my_ life, the guy who had grabbed me now got a hold of my wrist.

"Uh, sorry. We can't let you go just yet. You've seen us now."

I opened my mouth the protest at the unfairness seeping out of the situation he and his friends had put me in.

"What? I helped-"

Gently, he placed his hands on my arms, making me take the first steps into a taxi. I was shoved into the back with the four men. Even though I had neglected God pretty much my whole life, I was praying to him at that moment. _Kidnapped on my way back home from work, really?_ It was so, so humid as well. I was totally freaking out, even though I looked fine on the outside.

I noticed that the tallest had a beard and quite a serious looking face, the other was quite cool and dark haired, the next had long, shaggy brown hair.

"Er, mate, can you drive us to the Eridge Hotel? Can you be quick about it too, if you don't mind?" I heard one of the guys say.

The taxi driver nodded, suddenly stepping on the pedal, sending all of our heads slamming into our seats as we weren't properly strapped in. For some strange reason, the guys started putting hats and glasses on. _Criminals. Every single one of them!_ Throughout the ride, my mood turned sour.

Before I knew it, I was dragged to the hotel desk. There were a lot of looking over shoulders and whispering between the guys. Then, they were squabbling over something I had blocked out, despite having ears.

We came face to face with hotel rooms, and I blinked. Then, I pinched myself and all of the guys stared at me. The expression on my face was very blank because I couldn't believe what was happening. Every time I had tried to protest, I was dragged by an arm or two.

They took this as a funny time to introduce themselves. Kyle was the one with the beard, Woody (Chris) was the one with the shaggy hair and Will was the cool looking one. Daniel was the one who had grabbed me.

I was shoved into a room with Will whilst the others shared a bigger room. Will muttered something under his breath.

"Sorry I had to be the one to share a room with you, not that I mind anyway."

That line did not make up for anything, yet I felt relaxed by him somehow. It sounded cliche, but he was easy on the eyes. _Again, not that it made up for it. He was a part of the kidnapping crew that I was going to report to the-_

"Dan's a bit paranoid. He thinks you're lying and trying to expose where we are."

I gave him a confused look, not knowing what the hell he was talking about. Expose? Were they really criminals on the run or something?

"We're a band called Bastille. Those girls are after us, we were really in a tight spot. I'm Will, as you know," he introduced himself with a smile.

I nodded. That must have been the band everyone had been banging on about throughout the day. I felt really relieved that they weren't criminals. Then again, what would criminals want with such a plain looking girl? I wasn't ugly, though I wasn't a catch. Looking at myself in the hotel's vanity mirror, I was dark skinned. My black hair had grown quite well over the years.

For a moment, everything seemed okay. Will was nice, decent looking and in a band which just so happened to GRAB me and KIDNAP me, but HEY, it was all for a good cause, all for the right flaming reasons. They were famous, so that automatically made it okay? Was that their logic?

When Will saw that I was fuming, he grabbed some beers from the minibar and shoved one into my hands. Confused, I looked at him. He rolled his eyes, opened it and handed it back to me. Obviously, he was staring at me like he wanted me to drink with him. Since he was all calm and collected, I felt as if I had to.

Soon enough, Will and I were laughing, and surrounded by beer bottles. I must have had about five, maybe six. _I didn't know._ I wasn't really used to drinking, I didn't really do it very often. First of all, I lived alone and it was expensive. Secondly, whenever I went out with friends, I didn't really know what to drink, so I would always skip that step and drink orange juice. In fact, I was laughing about the whole band situation. _Everything was perfectly fine._

Not that I took too much notice, but halfway through our conversation, Will pulled me closer to him. We were both sitting on the bed with our legs crossed. I held onto him, in fear that I would fall over or twist my foot or something. Gently, he started pinning me down to the bed. I just giggled. When my back was against the bed, he got up and walked out. I remembered feeling really tired, so I fell asleep.

Even though I was asleep, I heard voices from outside. I could tell which was which, despite not knowing them properly. One was Will, the other was Dan.

"The girl, is she asleep now? Was she angry?" Dan questioned.

In my sleep, I could hear him pacing. He sounded like he was worried about something, though I wasn't sure what he was worried about.

"She was, until I gave her a bit of cider. She's a lightweight, Dan," Will explained.

"You didn't find out her _name_?" Dan hissed.

I could hear Dan clapping his hands, it made me mentally laugh. I managed him in a fight or something, getting all up in the other person's face and clapping at them. It was super amusing.

"I didn't have time!" Will moaned.

Then their speech faded out. I had officially fallen asleep in the warmth of a rather decent feeling bed in an extremely decent hotel room.

 


	2. 02. Clueless

# 02\. Clueless

Like a normal human being would, I awoke. I awoke in a bed that surely wasn't mine, and in a hotel room I most likely didn't pay for. A man was asleep on the sofa in the room beside me. _Oh God. I'd resorted to prostitution._ I looked at what I was dressed in. _My uniform?_ OK, so I wasn't a prostitute, good news.

 All of yesterdays events came back to me. Being very bored at work. It being a Friday. People mentioning some band. Being nosy after work, only to have it cost me my time and me being kidnapped by the said band named Bastille. Sleeping in the same room as a cool guy. Hearing a half argument.

Well, that was enough to make me go.

Quietly, I got out of bed. My long cardigan was on the edge of the bed, so I threaded it through my fingers and fished for my phone. Pressing the home button. Right, it was nine in the morning. Turning slightly, I thrust my feet downward so that they could fit into my shoes. I adjusted my work uniform, pulling my cardigan over it.

I successfully managed to escape from the nightmare band and out of the hotel, going unnoticed by people walking around on the street. Things were starting to seem normal on my walk back to my house. I put my key in the door, I managed to get in without too much of a struggle.

I spent an hour in my flat when I spotted the lack of food in the fridge, so I had to pop out to the store to get them. I went to the door and shut it behind me, only to be greeted by an unfortunately familiar face. It was Will, and he gestured for me to let him inside. Reluctantly, I did.

"Hey. Please travel with us. Uh, Daniel's threatening me,"" Will urged.

I raised my eyebrows, folding my arms. I wasn't going to budge, not even for Will, even though he was the nicest.

"Daniel got me up against a wall!" I protested.

His facial expression changed, like he was at a loss for words. I hoped that he was considering my argument, because it was a pretty good one. Not to mention how it happened to speak for itself.

"If it helps, he wouldn't be the only guy to do that to you," Will mumbled.

Blinking, I looked at him. There was some context behind what he was saying, and I was desperately trying to find it, but my brain was on overload at that moment and wouldn't work, so I didn't find out.

Anyway, Will put his hands up to protect himself as if he was some kind of supernatural being coming in peace. He told me that the others were outside, so he went to go and let them inside my house.

"You left your key in the door!" Daniel called.

I felt my eye twitch, anger surging through me. Eventually, I agreed to go with them. It was crazy and rushed, though I managed to pack a bag with me. _If it would get them to get off my back and leave me alone, then it would be worth it._ Who was he to come into my flat and tell me that I left MY key in MY front door, huh?

What didn't go unnoticed was Woody tucking into some of my ice cream stash in the freezer. It was the tiny little ice cream pots that were on offer for fifty pence, usually only two or three times a year at the corner shop, so I stocked up on them. I felt my soul draining as I watched Woody enjoy every last bit of it.

We travelled to the nearest city which was fifteen minutes away. I didn't bother to ask where it was. I flopped down when we got into where we were staying. I spotted that there was a kind of divide between me and the boys. I stood where I was, staring at them blankly in my skinny jeans and baggy jumper, tightly holding onto my shoulder bag.

"Can I see that bracelet?" Will asked.

Gently, I slipped my shoulder bag off my shoulders and walked over to them. They were staring, and my ears were burning. I pulled up the sleeve on my jumper on my left arm, showering them the bracelet I hadn't really cared for. It was silver with charms on. They all gasped.

"This is _really_ expensive. I was going to get my girl one of these," Kyle pointed out, poking at it in three second intervals.

I tilted my head, not understanding the situation. They were all observing the bracelet, and I was wondering why it was so interesting.

"Who gave this to you?" Woody asked, and it was the first time he had spoken directly to me.

I cleared my throat, feeling a bit claustrophobic. I felt like I was being questioned for a crime I'd committed.

"A guy at work," I muttered.

Out of the corner of my eye, I heard Daniel chuckling. It was a chuckle, and then it turned into a laugh. Daniel and Will were both laughing now.

"This guy fancies you," Will mentioned.

Woody and Kyle looked at each other. Then, they took a moment to think. Next, they must have gotten their lightbulb moment because they were nodding.

"Don't be silly," I dismissed the idea immediately.

Daniel took a hold of my wrist, his fingers pointing directly to the bracelet. Woody and Kyle went to unpack and settle into their rooms, whilst Will and Daniel stayed put.

"This is from Pandora," Daniel said, as if I should have known, not that it was his fault, anyway.

At that moment, I felt a bit sick. I had to sit down and put my hand on my chest. There was a Pandora on the high street, and I only dreamed of enough money and dignity to even step foot in that place. Polly's fiancé had gotten her a ring from there, and from then on I'd been so, so jealous.

"So...you didn't know?" Will figured.

I looked at him and shook my head. Of course, after finding out something like that, I went to go and unpack in my new room. I put my head in my hands, feeling so silly. Feeling stupid, I curled up on top of my new bed, swaying back and forth, hoping to somehow kill my thoughts.

"Alayna!" I heard someone call.

Feeling a headache coming on, I emerged from my room rubbing my eyes. The guys were standing in the living room.

"Ah, so _that's_ your name," Daniel guessed.

My eyes widened. So they had gone from kidnapping, to deceiving to stealing my identity, holding it in their hands? I didn't even figure how they knew. Will had called my name, because I recognised his voice. Last night was all coming back to me. I smirked. _Now I had some kind of leverage._

"Ooh, what's that? It's last night. It's coming back to me," I announced suddenly.

They all started paying attention what I was saying, though Dan and Will looked the most worried. When Kyle and Woody saw this, they were arguing in whispers. _This was so amusing, honestly._

"You told me that Daniel wouldn't be the only guy to get me up against a wall!"

Will seemed perfectly fine for a minute, and then he started running around the living space. I started chasing after him with one of my shoes, which happened to be a boot.

"I-I was hungover, I swear!"

Regardless of his excuses, I quickened my pace, and I was really close to catching him until Kyle got in my way and started holding me. He was so tall that I looked super pathetic squirming like a worm. I looked back at the others, and they were on the floor in laughter. I stared at them blankly.

"OK, we have to keep her here," said Woody, with a smile on his face as he disappeared back into his room.

Kyle followed Woody, and I assumed that they were sharing a room together or something. This left Will and Daniel. I went into my room, and Will followed me. We sat on the sofa together. I pulled a childish face at him. I wasn't ready to give in and talk to him yet, but I thawed out in two minutes when he continually made me laugh.

 Daniel must have heard us, because he came into my room and sat between us on the sofa. I looked at him, feeling anxious. _Great, the guy who seemed to have a problem with me._ His beady eyes were staring at me.

"Hello," he said.

In the space of a few seconds, awkwardness filled the room. I really had to talk to Daniel about his paranoia, and the staring. I ignored his hello and faced away from him, as he was sitting to my left.

"You guys can talk. When you've talked, I'll come back in," Will let us know.

Before we knew what he had meant, he was by my bedroom door now. When I realised what he was doing, I dashed to the door but Will was already outside. _God damn, he'd jammed the bloody door!_

Ten minutes passed of Daniel and I not even talking to each other. We made eye contact very rarely, and I didn't enjoy it. I was starting to drive myself insane, because all I wanted to do was get out of the room and away from the guy who claimed to think I was a threat or something.

"I'm sorry for how I've been," Daniel apologised, even though it sounded very reluctant.

I thought his apology was half decent, so I walked over to him and sat down next to him. He turned to face me, which I wasn't completely prepared for. The eye contact was more than I had ever experienced in my life, and how his hair stood up like that. OK, so Daniel was attractive. It was clear.

Without warning, his hot fingers touched my skin. He was fiddling with the bracelet that Marty had gotten for me. I couldn't dream to think of how expensive it must have been for him to buy, then give to me, making sure that nobody else was around. How could anyone just openly admit they took a shine to me?

"This guy, you should give him a call."

I did something I never thought I would do upon meeting Daniel. I nodded, because I agreed with him somehow. It seemed the best thing to do.

First of all, I called Polly, but the brat didn't answer, even after three calls and a voicemail. Next, I called Luna, and she answered straight away, so I had to tell her to tell Polly to ignore all the alerts from me. I asked if she had Marty's number, and she gave it to me without question. I had to call Marty now.

"Hey, Marty. I really like the gift," I thanked him.

There were a few seconds of silence on the phone.

"I'd like to take you out. How about that restaurant outside where we work?" he wondered.

My eyes widened at the thought of going out with Marty. Well, he was kind of cute. Plus, he was my age. I just hadn't expected him to ask me out like that. It wasn't just Marty, it was the restaurant. Polly, Luna and I had always dreamed of going in there. It was some kind of elite rich restaurant.

After the call, Daniel nudged me.

"Will! She's got a date! You'll have to put her to bed another night!" Daniel called.

I frowned at him. Was he joking? _Heavens above, please tell me that this cocky blue eyed band member was lying._

"Oh, I remember. I'll be glad to get out of here," I mumbled.

At eight, I started getting ready. Luckily, I'd brought the one dress that was decent for me to wear. It was just one of those summer V-necks, but I figured that it would be enough for a date. _If it was a date, right?_ Of course, it was only polite of me to wear the bracelet. When I stepped out of the bedroom, all of the guys knew, and that bothered me because they were staring at me.

As soon as Daniel saw me, his facial expression changed. Quickly, he went into my room and started searching for something. When he found what he was looking for, he came out of my room. He thrusted my long black cardigan on me. I stared at him.

"This kills the whole outfit."

Daniel gave me that look that said:  _well hell, I'm a band member and I know absoloutely everything and I'm famous so I can tell you, a commoner, what to do._

"Keeps you covered, though."

I stuck my tongue out at him before leaving my, somewhat, new home. I made my way into the town I previously lived in by bus. The ride was bumpy, but smoother than the taxi. That driver hadn't been too fond of us, after all.

I lurked in my flat for a bit, because I didn't want Marty to discover that I slept under the same roof as a band. He picked me up at the time we agreed, and we went to the restaurant. Overall, I had a good time, though I felt a bit tipsy because we'd shared some red wine. We came out of the restaurant, and he was about to kiss me, until he got a text message alert.

Like a kind gentleman, he walked me to my flat. I tried looking for more clothes I could take back with me, but I had literally packed all the clothes I owned into one bag. That hurt. Anyway, the bus services were slowing down so I figured it would be quicker to walk back. It was starting to get dark, but the cool air was nice.

In no time, I got back to our communal living home. The guys were all waiting for me, and I had to admit, I was starting to form a bond with them, a bit. I was freezing, as Woody expressed when he went up to me and hugged me.

"Did he not walk you home? Drop you off here?" Kyle wondered.

Feeling strange, I shook my head and every single one them gasped, like Marty not walking or transporting me here was a bad thing.

"The cardigan's still _on_?" Daniel said, with his piercing eyes.

As a reply, I nodded. I still didn't see how it was so bad. Were they nit-picking at my dating skills? (Well, they were practically non-existent).

"Did he kiss you?" Woody asked.

 _What was with all the questions? I felt like I  was being interrogated!_ To reply, I shook my head gently, and the gasps came about again.

It was all coming to me now. The questions, my replies and their reactions and all the gasping meant something. They _were_ questioning my dating skills.

"Hey, I don't sleep with the guy on the first date, okay?" I made clear.

There was some discussion between the guys, and they seemed to get in a huddle before getting back to me with a reasonable argument. Kyle and Woody disappeared into their rooms, and Will did shortly after. Ugh, left with Daniel.

"Daniel, I don't want to talk, okay?"

I went into my room, and I noticed that Daniel hadn't moved from his spot in the living room. He'd been as still as a statue. In fact, he looked a little hurt, up to the point that I felt a little bad. Even so, he followed me into my room. I took my bag off and flung it onto my bed.

"Can I take that off for you?" Daniel asked politely.

Not understanding, I frowned. However, I did nod, so he stood behind me, and slowly slid my cardigan off, revealing my dress underneath it. He didn't bother to place my cardigan on my bed, he just let it fall to the floor.

"Alayna," he whispered gently.

I could feel the heat, the warmth coming from his voice. I felt really, strange, and I had an awful feeling. I was felt inclined to turn around. I couldn't forsee what was happening. Daniel's nose was almost against mine.

The sound of Will's voice. We both turned around to look at him.

"Hey, hey. He called. We got a last minute gig tomorrow night," Will mumbled.

Naturally, I faded into the background. Obviously, I didn't have any musical talent, so I faded into my bedroom, sitting on my bed and watching the two of them make plans for the gig.

"Yeah. Okay, okay. What we planned, then," Daniel said, a tone of annoyance in his voice.

They were talking for quite some time, and my eyes were starting to get heavy. With little effort, I tied my hair up and rested my head on my pillow. I left my door slightly open, in case one of them needed me. Not that they did. _I was roped into the whole situation._

Sometime later, I heard someone come into my room. I sat up to see who it was, and it was Daniel. It must have been half eleven, and it was really dark outside. He helped himself to my sofa, and he sat looking at me rather creepily in the faint moonlight coming from the window two metres or so away from him.

_Hold me in this wild, wild world_

_'Cause in your warmth I forget how it can be_

_And in your heat I feel how could it could get_

I closed my eyes, letting his voice speak to me. It took me a moment to focus, to figure out where I'd heard it from. _That was right, I'd heard it at my workplace. The vocals matched exactly._ I said nothing, just watching him. I really had no idea.

"Sit with me."

I felt a bit like I had to go over to him and sit by him, so I did. Gently, he held my hand, linking it with mine. He looked at me with those bright blue eyes, and I seemed to have melted.

"So clueless," he whispered.

He gripped my hand a little tighter, but all that seemed to do was make my eyes heavy, make me weary. Soon enough, I drifted off.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to let you know, or remind (I wrote this story about 4 months ago. I haven't stolen any ideas or anything, this was solely my doing after a boring Christmas) 
> 
> This isn't real or a reflection of the lives of the members in Bastille either.  
> No warnings yet, just strong language.


	3. 03. Making my "Mark"

# 03\. Making my "Mark"

I was woken up by Kyle, who was running around the house frantically, like a headless chicken. He was useless to get information from, so I consulted Woody. He told me that Dan got a call from the producer, and he was coming over in an hour. It was funny, watching all of them clean the place up. They were running around. I heard wisps of their conversations. During the hour, I managed to get myself showered and dressed.

Like an oddly good family, we sat in the living room, waiting for the producer to walk in. During that time, I'd forgotten what a producer even was. Woody was sitting next to me, and he gave my hand a squeeze. I looked at him. _That had to be some kind of warning._ Kyle was waiting by the door. A knock. Kyle let the producer in, whose name was Mark.

The band greeted him, and I was left standing by my own, and I was started to consider leaving. They all had something in common.

"Who's this?" Mark, asked.

I knew that he was looking right at me. I was starting to feel anxious. The band members started looking at each other, probably hoping that telepathy would get them through. I suspected that Mark wasn't too fond of girls being brought back.

Woody began to say, "She's uh..."

They started looking at each other again. I felt bad, I wanted to help them somehow because I was the problem. At first, they looked at Kyle for a brief second, then Woody, then Will. They staring stopped once it reached Will.

"I'm Alayna. I'm being forced to live here against my own will."

At once, there was an outrage. Mark thought I was joking, and then the guys all started talking and the common whispering arguments started again. They sat down and told him the whole story. (Dan was mostly blamed).

"We did not kidnap her."

Many voices of protest rose.

"Not exactly, anyway."

Throughout the whole discussion, Mark was listening intently, though he didn't look very impressed.

"You. Alayna, you stay here. They haven't talked like this in months," Mark decided.

I was about to thank him for his reasonable input, but then I realised what he had said. _He wanted me to stay? Stay under the same roof with kidnappers?_

"You're a band. You need to learn how to cope, and you need to learn how to be around each other. You've already been doing it for a couple of years," Mark lectured.

Reluctantly, the band agreed among whispers. Mark stayed for fifteen minutes, and unfortunately it was mostly him talking to me. Suddenly, everyone wanted to know about my life and what I did.

I started with, "Uh, I'm twenty five. I work at...at a clothes shop. I own a flat, I'm five foot six inches-"

The producer lost interest, and to be honest, I couldn't really blame him. My life wasn't particularly interesting. I wished I could make myself sound more interesting, but there wasn't really much I could do. So yes, my boring life chased the producer away, though the others were glad to be rid of them.

"Don't you like, go to parties?" Woody wondered.

For asking that question, he was nudged strongly in the elbow by Daniel. Woody yelped, scowling at Daniel. I did it very often, but I shook my head. The gasps came about again.

"Well, there's one after the gig. You could come," Will invited me.

I thought about it. Well, staying at home wasn't really going to be much fun. I might as well have joined them, even against my own will. I agreed to go.

So, we went in the van (their main mode of transport) and it was a bumpy ride, and for once, I was sitting next to Woody. We were starting to form quite a good bond, until he moved to the other side of the van and started playing a random card game with Will. Kyle sat by himself, rocking himself back and forth. Daniel came over to me and assured me that he wasn't having a mental breakdown.

Cause that totally made me feel better.

There was a lot of sorting out with the gig, the stage, the stage placements. Woody complained that Kyle had stole his drumsticks, and they were chasing after each other like little girls for a while. I got stamped to say I was in the V.I.P bit backstage. _What was the point of that? Why not a comfortable wristband or something?_

Anyway, I was shoved backstage. I thought that meeting other famous faces would make it better, but I was literally backstage with Mark, and oh hell, it was so awkward. I could hear the sound of loud music in the background.

_Lethargy got a hold of me,_

_And I don't know how to shake it_

_Got these itchy feet for a change of scene_

_Do anything to escape it_

I looked over at Mark, and he was so kept together and sitting there. It bothered me, making my eye twitch. There he sat, out of all the seats laid out backstage, right next to me, drinking coffee. At one point, tried to reposition myself and I caught him looking at me, so I sank straight back into my seat.

"So, I can hear Daniel singing," I pointed out.

I heard Mark laughing, almost spitting out some of his coffee. When he realised I had no idea what I had referenced, he composed himself.

"Daniel? We usually call him Dan. He hates it when people call him that," Mark mentioned.

I wondered if that was the reason why he had stayed so still when I had told him I didn't want to talk to him. _Ugh, I was such a horrible person!_ All of a sudden, Mark repositioned himself so that he was facing me directly in his chair. _The eye contact! It burned me, I couldn't handle it!_

"Why do you call him that?"

"He got me up against a wall!"

Mark shrugged his shoulders, not seeing the problem with it. Even though Dan had apologised, I still felt bitter.

"They weren't doing very well, you know. They kept on arguing and throwing insults around. It was really personal, but ever since they met you, things have changed."

I was about to question Mark, but he got up and disappeared to go somewhere to go and get more coffee.

After the gig, we travelled straight to the party in that terrible, terrible death trap of a van. I was pretty sure that was the reason Kyle always sat as if he was having a mental breakdown, not that it was a problem or anything. From left, right and centre we were being flung all over the van.

Then we arrived at our destination. The guys were pretty pumped about it, but I stopped just outside the house, or should I say _mansion._ Kyle told me it was at a friend's, but still. Woody and Daniel linked arms with me, pushing me inside.

There were loads of drinks, and as much as I wanted to stay away from them, I found a new drink I liked. It was creamy, somewhat chocolatey, and I couldn't get enough of it. I wasn't sure if I was drunk or not, but I got hold of Dan's hand and dragged him up to one of the rooms with me.

Casually, Dan sat on the bed, staring at me with those weird, blue beady eyes. They were like a doll's eyes or something.

"I wanted to talk to you. I've been a little harsh on you, more than the others. I want to move past you kidnapping me," I proposed, holding my hand out.

To my surprise, Dan took my hand, and he had quite a firm grip. I questioned it for a moment, and then with amazing force, he pulled me onto the bed. I landed awkwardly at first, so I had to rotate myself around. Now, Dan, he was looking at me in a weird way, like he was possessed or something. I was sitting with my hands on either side of me, my elbows sticking out slightly. He placed his hand in the gap I was leaving to my left because of the way that I was sitting, moving closer to me.

With his other free hand, he starting running his hands through my hair, to which I didn't really mind.

"You look good tonight," Dan complimented me.

Again, his warm breath was paralyzing me, and I couldn't work out why. I mean, I knew the body language and all the touching. I knew what it meant. I wanted to continue with the flirting, but something was stopping me. The whole idea of it was crazy. _I was meant to be the glue of the band, not the one banging the lead singer._

"Er, you were good on the stage," I complimented him back.

What I said didn't seem to kill the mood, because Dan was eyeing me more closely now. It was any minute that he would make a move. What I needed was a guy who wasn't in Bastille, as cute as Dan was.

"Alayna? Is something wrong?"

I opened my eyes a little wider. _There I go with the spacing out again._

"I'm gonna get some more drinks."

I didn't return to the room that Dan was in. Whilst I was getting more of that drink I liked, I tried to block him from my memory. While I was downstairs, I tried to think of some sort of excuse for not finding Dan later.

The next day, Dan seemed pretty pissed with me, not that I could blame him. I was just going by what Mark had told me. Watching them perform had been amazing, Dan had an amazing voice amazing mates, and I had to keep them together somehow. Instead, I was just making it worse. I had to get ready for work, and the others found it quite funny when I stepped out of my bedroom in my uniform.

The reason why they had found it funny was because of how secondary school I looked. My top was quite baggy compared to the other girls at work. I wore black skinny jeans along with it, and my hair up in a muddled up mess, not that I minded. Woody came over to me, poking at my shirt. Will was pulling it, and it quite often bounced back. I barked at them like a dog to ward them off.

Upon living with the band, I'd been having to go back and forth from where we were staying, to my flat and to work. None of them had really noticed except Kyle, because he'd taken me aside on the way back from the party last night.

Kindly, Woody offered me a lift to work and I declined. Although I was running late, my nice manager was in that day. Nevertheless, Woody dragged me into his van. His driving skills were slightly above par, though I still feared for my life.

"You don't like your job, I can tell."

Shyly, I hid behind my hair. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk about such a sensitive subject with him. I just felt anxious.

"I think there's more I can do with my life."

Woody kindly smiled at me. It was a nice, heart-warming smile.

"You're right."

Ten minutes passed, and I was at my workplace. I thanked Woody and quickly did a swan dive out of the van. I didn't bother waving in case he waved back and someone recognised him. I quickly made my way inside.

For the past few times I had been at work, I hadn't run into Marty, which was quite good for my evasion skills, even for me. Just when I thought I was safe, I turned to go into the staffroom and there he was. I froze. _Stupid bracelet, why was I wearing it?_

So I completely freaked out.

When I got home (to the band) I felt bad for avoiding Marty, though I promised myself that I would call him later and apologise properly. I went into my room, getting out my camera (super expensive) and snapping some cool shots from the window. Earlier on, I'd brought a couple of paints and a canvas for myself. I hadn't told the others, in fear that they would make fun of me.

For once, I had the place to myself, so I took my time expressing myself. I picked the right paints and everything. Every brush was perfect with every stroke. Painting, drawing, methods of art were the only things that I could do perfectly. When I was pleased, I took a couple of steps backwards to see my work.

I had a funny, funny feeling that they guys were all standing behind me.

Dan was. _I knew I heard the door go two minutes ago._ There I was, standing with my fingers all messy and covered with paint, and my hair up.

"You fucking paint? That's amazing!" he beamed, startling me.

In a hurry, I started packing all of my art materials away in case the others walked in and started poking about. He insisted for me to keep my things together, but I ignored him. Like a headless chicken, I rushed about the living room and my bedroom, tidying up everything.

At that moment, I was too nervous to talk to Dan, so I had to leave the house for a walk or something. _That had always been my secret. I hated people finding out about my personal life, especially in that way._ Shortly after staring into the windows of the local bakery, I my phone was jumping about like crazy, so I fished for it in my pocket.

"Alayna Pinson?" a man's voice said.

I cleared my throat, looking around me in case someone was playing some kind of prank call joke on me. Nobody but me and the chilly breeze and the occupied people inside the bakery waiting for their cinnamon buns.

"Yes, this is her speaking," I confirmed.

Since it was somewhat comforting, I stood a bit closer to the bakery with its glass against my back.

"I've seen your Instagram account, and I'm very impressed with your work. Could we meet for lunch?" the man offered.

I was a bit sceptical at first, but before I went all pessimistic on myself, I had to see his offer through. Although my Instagram account only had about two hundred followers, if someone was interested in my drawings, then I had to talk to them. We agreed where we would meet and the time.

The next day, I didn't have work, and I was anxious at twelve o'clock. I was meant to be meeting with the guy in an hour, and I was freaking out over one little problem. _What to wear._ Damn, I turned my whole wardrobe upside down, and the thought suddenly came to me: _I was so freaking poor!_ In the little bag that I had packed (which had been my whole selection of clothes) were three black tops, one pair of skinny jeans, one pair of leggings and a long green top I had never liked.

I opened my bedroom door, poking my head out. I was just wearing a baggy shirt, since I was lounging about in it in my bedroom. Woody and Dan were in the living room, talking to Mark. My eyes widened, and I instantly felt embarrassed, even though he hadn't seen me.

"Alayna. Always a pleasure," Mark greeted me.

I nodded, hoping to say as little as possible. Woody and Dan looked at me as if they were gesturing for me to come over. I assured them that I was fine through their casual telepathy which I had picked up over time, but Dan gave me that ghostly, weird look. Feeling grumpy, I stepped out of my bedroom, closing the door. Luckily, I was wearing tights along with my shirt so it wasn't like I was completely underdressed. Awkwardly, I sat next to Mark.

"It was hard not to notice you were here. Haven't you been thrashing about in there for the last half an hour or so?" Mark mentioned.

The hairs stood up on the back of my neck. It was as if Mark knew everything. I laughed it off, my eye twitching. Dan took a sip from the cup of tea that was sat on the table.

"Well, you must have a date or something," Dan figured.

Even though Mark didn't live with them all the time, he had picked up the whispering debates and the telepathy. (They might not have figured out I was able to read it.)

"I just have to meet someone," I mumbled under my breath, driven to admitting it whether I had originally wanted to or not.

They all nodded in agreement and started whispering again. Woody was accusing Mark of not knowing all along. _I really needed new housemates._

"You're not meeting him dressed like that, right?" Woody coughed.

Suddenly, I jumped to my feet and looked at the clock that stood before me. _Oh my God, I only had ten minutes to meet the guy!_ Quickly, I took to my heels and slipped my Converse shoes on, slipping on my long black cardigan and stumbling toward the front door.

"Nice seeing you!" Mark called.

As fast as my legs could take me, I rushed out of the house and in the direction of the little café that was fifteen minutes away. _OK, eight minutes to meet him. I could bolt there in seven minutes._

By some amazing miracle, I managed to make it on time, and the guy in question was waiting for me at a table. He said my name just to make sure, and I nodded. The guy was quite tall, with blonde hair and a decent smile. I found out that his name was Harry, and he was an author. His books were good to go, but he was on the lookout for an illustrator. We discussed plans and the kind of motifs running throughout the novel.

Harry warned me a lot of time and effort would be required, but I told him that I didn't really mind. Not to mention how good the pay was. I would be a fool not to take the job, and that I was sure of. We shook hands.

Looks like I'd finally made my mark.


	4. 04. Flaws in Door Handles

# 04\. Flaws in Door Handles

 

A week later, Harry and I met and we managed to think of some ideas for the front cover of one of his books. He must have been ten years older than me, but his thought process was so raw, so desirable. One could only dream of it. Harry wasn't the greatest artist, so we connected. Everything was going quite well.

During the two hours we spent together, I learned a lot about him. He'd discovered that university wasn't the best place for him and dropped out. His parents weren't too pleased with him, so he quickly had to find work. Eventually, he found a job but it was ridiculously long hours, hard shifts and low pay. Somehow, on the side, he managed to find time to write. His story was so admirable.

I arrived back at the house (I didn't like calling it my house, because it was actually one the guys) to find that it was pretty silent. Feeling a bit more at peace, I savoured the moment and disappeared off into my room. Since meeting Harry, I felt more inspired, so I got a couple of paints out. Halfway through painting on my last canvas, I figured I should get a lock or something in case anyone walked in. _I liked my private life, especially since I was living with four men...or should I say, boys._

Twenty minutes later, I popped out to the nearest convenience store. To my surprise, they were selling door handles, so I just picked one up. I found it quite handy, really. The little nails and such were in the bottom of the bag that it came in. I was even humming to myself on the way back to the house, except there was one tiny problem. _How the hell did you install a door handle?_ Then, I had another thought. Dan would be staring at me with his eyes, and they would be saying: _so you think you can come into my home and go flashing about your handles, huh?_

Freaking out a bit, I shoved the door handle into my bag before going inside. As I walked through the door, my phone started vibrating wildly. Frantically, I fished for it inside my bag, tripping over Woody's trainers and narrowly dodging one of Kyle's shirts. When I found it, I ended up slipping on one of Will's jackets. I was very surprised that nobody had heard me making a ruckus. The caller was Marty.

"Hey, I'd like it if we could hang out. Maybe tonight?"

My heart started doing backflips. Originally, I'd not been too fond of Marty because we worked at the same place, and he always had a cheeky grin on his face which I had always thought of as childish, but a guy taking interest in me was nice. It made me feel really special and somewhat valued that someone was thinking about me. That hadn't happened to me in a while.

"I-I'd like that."

We made our plans, and yet again, I was freaking out about what to wear. In the end, I decided to play it casual. I just hoped that Marty wouldn't mind.

I was thankful that we were hanging out (or having our date) at Marty's place, because I totally had no clothes. Not anything sexy or particularly arousing anyway. It was a nice house. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to ask whether he still lived with his parents or not, but I took what I could get. Someone was interested in me, I had to take that.

Anyway, we had a great time watching a movie and eating some snacks. I had to admit, Marty was quite thin, but he had an amazing selection. There were pretzels, crisps, cheese twists, breadsticks, chocolate, doughnuts, pastries and attractive looking fruit, which was a bonus if you wanted to feel like you were being healthy in some way.

Slowly, Marty leaned in, and we kissed. It was soft and delicate, just how I had remembered experiencing it a long time ago. I smiled at him, and we held hands, just staring at each other for a few moments.

The next thing I remembered was waking up, not knowing where I was. Then looking at Marty and realising. I knew we hadn't slept together, but I had a bigger problem on my hands, and that was Bastille. The next one was facing Marty at work the following day. Somehow, I managed to sneak out of Marty's place, catching a bus to the house.

Unfortunately, someone had noticed my absence because Dan was sitting on the sofa in the living room. It was obvious he'd been watching the door. Damn that Dan!

"Let me guess, you stayed overnight at Marty's place," he figured.

It was obvious I looked a mess, but I didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea, especially him. _The things he could say to the others..._

"Fell asleep," I answered honestly.

Dan nodded and surprisingly left it at that. The only bad thing was that he disappeared into my room, waiting for me to come inside. I muttered something under my breath as I took my shoes off and grabbed a towel off the end of my bed. My, it was time for a shower. Dan eyed me as I went out of my room, and I was starting to wonder if he spent time in there while I was gone.

I took a shower and got dressed, fixed my hair. As soon as I'd finished making myself not look like a sea monster or a banshee, I felt a little better. My day was pretty much free, and I intended to spend it drawing or painting.

A few minutes later, I stepped out into the living room for a little breather when the doorbell rang. All of the guys gathered in the room, pulling funny looks at each other. Nobody really knew the whereabouts of the house except Mark and their relatives. Dan answered the door, revealing a pretty, tall blonde. They seemed to be familiar with her. We all did our greetings. Her name was Charlotte, and she was a family friend to one of the guys.

Obviously, we were all living in the same house, and there was time for me and Charlotte to talk. I didn't really mind, since she was quite familiar with the boys. It was nice to have a bit of female company.

"So, which one of them are you going out with? It can't be Kyle, he's got a girlfriend. Is it Dan? Will? Woody?" she questioned, in a rather childish manner.

Feeling awkward, I looked around for one of them to save me, but they were all talking in Kyle's room.

"None. I'm fine. Not interested," I dismissed, hoping that she would drop the subject.

She did, eventually anyway. Charlotte was convinced that I had something going with either Will or Dan. I was halfway through a conversation with her when my phone rang. It was Harry. _Oh crap, we were meant to be meeting in half an hour._

Sometime later, I met Harry at the same café we had been at the first time. It was a bit cramped, because the café sold decently priced tea and cakes, so we were struggling with space. I suggested going back to the house, since the guys had gone out with Charlotte somewhere. Harry accepted.

We got back to the house, spreading all of our work in the table in the living room. I immediately got stuck into drawing a prototype of what we had managed to discuss in our twenty minutes spent in the café. It was a bit awkward with me drawing and Harry watching. I knew he couldn't help it, though every now and then my ears would become hot.

Harry had so many different ideas, and it was truly an honour to sit there and listen to him speak. It was more like hanging out with a good friend than having a job. I forgot sometimes that Harry was actually my boss. I figured that was a good sign, though. My other job wasn't too exciting.

"Your talents are wasted there, you know," Harry pointed out.

Nervously, I brushed my hair back and smiled at him. I thought so too. It was just like that time Woody and I talked about my job.

"I'm glad you like my work. Helps me feel a little better," I thanked him.

Two or three hours later, we finished up. The process was quite quick, and we needed to go to a special place the next time because we needed to work with some computer programs in order to kind of bring my drawings to life, which I was really looking forward to. Harry was pretty cool, so he would go with whatever I wanted, which was a bonus.

The guys came back some time after Harry had left, and Dan was shooting me a questioning look when he spotted me in the living room reading a magazine. The guys didn't look too happy.

"Our next show cancelled on us, which is annoying," Will declared.

I got up and went over to them, looking at their faces. Instantly, I felt really bad for sneaking Harry, a complete stranger into the house just so that I could hide my private life from a couple of guys I'd been living with the past couple of weeks. My heart panged. I told them that I felt sorry for them. _I felt like it was my fault!_

The next few weeks passed, and we were staying put longer due to the show's cancellation. I had to make the annoying trip most mornings which involved tripping over things and putting on my uniform, catching a bus and running into work. (Sometimes, it even involved an awkward run-in with Marty.).

The work I'd been doing with Harry had been going quite now, and everything was official. Nothing had been changed too much, not when I saw his books in store anyway. I was really happy I was able to make someone else's dream shine even brighter, even if it was on paper. Of course, I'd been expecting Harry to pay me, though I wasn't sure in what way. We met at that café, and he gave me an envelope. I had nervously looked inside, seeing a wad of cash. At first, I freaked out and protested, but Harry told me that it was okay. After all, I guessed he was drowning in money. His book was a bestseller.

Unfortunately, Kyle had bought Harry's book, and the guys were talking about the interesting looking front cover. There was positive comments, though they didn't know that it was me. I felt happy that people were pleased with it, even if Bastille was only a small sample. _It was big enough for me, and my smile._

Obviously, since I had become a lot more wealthy, I thought the best thing to do was go shopping. (Come on, we had seen my clothes). I bought whatever the hell I liked, all in under two hours. I made sure to hide my new purchases from the guys, pushing them under my bed out of sight in case one of them came wandering in.

One day, Mark called me up out of nowhere. I had no idea how he had gotten my number, because I had strongly resisted giving any of the guys my number. My face forming a frown, I gripped my phone tightly as I answered the call. It couldn't be bad news or anything, right? We'd barely spoken.

"Ah, so you _did_ make your mark," he said, and I feared that he knew something.

"I did make my mark...Mark. How did you know?" I asked him, feeling awkward in the faint breeze of May.

I heard him sigh down the phone. _When he did that..._

"Dan's gonna find out."

I raised my eyebrows. It was as if Mark was one of the band members that I was constantly living with. How the hell did he know that Daniel was the one who knew all?

"I know."

"I found out, because Harry dedicated the first page to you. Just your first name, but that was enough. There's not many Alaynas."

I couldn't help but laugh down the phone, feeling a little silly for letting Harry make that one mistake. It wasn't even his fault either, because I hadn't told him that I wanted to remain anonymous. The call ended shortly after that. I had to call Harry sometime and thank him one day.

On that same day, I got a sea of Instagram followers. About one thousand. Some of them were professional photographers. Some of them were ordinary people. I had to admit, I'd had my fifteen minutes of fame, and it was exciting.

On my way back to the house, I got a call from someone. _Must be popular upon this May Day._

Dan began with, "Hey, Alayna. It's Dan, and I was wondering if you want something to eat? I was hesitant, because I wasn't sure if it'd be okay-"

To stop him from rambling, I answered with a decent, "Yeah, sure."

This seemed to please him anyway. We met shortly after in a little restaurant or something. Dan knew the town a lot better than I did. When I got there, Dan looked a bit dodgy in his square looking black sunglasses and one of those hats you would wear if you were going fishing or something. Sometimes I forgot that he was a celebrity, being the lead singer of a band and all.

I got in and we sat down, and I started looking around and fixing my hair a bit. I shuffled around in my seat, looking around again. Dan was staring.

"What's wrong?" he asked, seriously.

I felt silly, worrying him like that over such a trivial question that I was about to ask him.

"Where are the others? Aren't they coming?" I inquired, feeling that it was necessary to ask him.

Dan observed me as if he had just realised something, and then he smiled and told me that they were busy with something. I took his word for it, and we had a debate over what to share for a starter. I found out that we both could stand garlic bread, so that was a good start. We had our meal, and the evening was nice. Dan even braved taking his hat off as we walked home.

Just when I thought everything was going okay, we got back to the house and there was tension. Will accused one of the guys of scratching his bass, but none of them knew what he was talking about. In doing so, Woody began to question why his drumsticks didn't make the same sound as they had before when he tapped them against the walls. _Dear God, was that what Mark had been talking about?_

"Guys, I have Chinese food," I declared.

Suddenly, their head snapped round to stare at me (and a worried Dan standing beside me). _So typical._ When they realised I didn't have any Chinese food, the groaned and forgot about why they were fighting and they all disappeared off into their rooms.

Hours later, I was hanging out in the living room when I came across Will. Since I wasn't really that nervous with the guys anymore, I sat next to him. He always had that cool look and relaxed tone. As usual, he was having his evening cup of coffee when he turned to face me.

"Dan took you out, right?" Will figured.

At that moment, I was tempted to throw in the towel and demand answers as to why everyone knew everything there was to do in my life. _Heck, my life was small, okay?_

"Yeah. We had the world's cheesiest garlic bread, it was really nice. Not to mention that ice cream. It was sorbet or something, if sorbet is even ice cream-"

The firm, serious sounding of Will placing his cup of coffee on the table beside us made me stop in my tracks. I wondered what he was going to say, because Dan walked in and he cleared his throat when he saw us. They were having one of those mysterious whispering arguments again.

Will left shortly after, mumbling under his breath. Dan and I were just staring at each other.

"I hope everything worked out with that guy," Dan wished.

Kindly, I smiled at him.

"Everything's fine. He's really nice," I answered, feeling my face heat up.

Dan went back into his room, as did I. I was feeling a bit more confident, I decided to pick up my phone and give Marty a call. At first, I wasn't sure why I had been so nervous. The conversation flow was immaculate.

I went to bed that day smiling to myself, seeing as I'd finally found something that I wanted to do.


	5. 05. What was Planned

# 05\. What was Planned

 

I'd given in my notice to quit my job at the clothes shop. (I told Marty and my friends, I wasn't that mean.) I decided to do what was best for me. Polly and Luna weren't too happy, but they forgave me.

Almost a month passed, and o. My last day I met up with Marty in the staff room. I held hands with him, feeling a bit sad.

"I've been made some really good offers. I've always liked living here, and I've enjoyed my time with you," I explained.

Marty was really understanding, which made me even more attracted to him. We knew what was coming next.

"It's okay, Alayna. I understand, you've always wanted to travel and get out there. Go on, you don't want to miss your chance, right?" he replied.

I nodded, and we shared a kiss before I left the staff room for the last time. As I left, I pushed my nose stud through, and there was no struggle. I took in some of the spring air. _Hopefully that was what it would be like from then on._

I got back to the house and told the guys that I'd be fine to travel with them. I'd known them for about three months now. I guessed it was okay, since I didn't really have a job anymore.

That night, we all got together. Woody got a couple of beers, so they told me stories and we all got to know each other a little more. It was all very cosy and nice. It was different.

The next day, we had to pack our bags because we were travelling for a couple of shows in Manchester. It was a good three hours away, so we were exhausted by the time we got there and into the hotel. This time, there were no whispering arguments and I had my own room. Their performance was the following day. I'd never been around Manchester, and I was curious.

I took a little stroll around, looking at the shops and buying some more clothes with my new found money. I felt like a celebrity or something, as I was walking down the street with all my bags on my arms, plus the cute sunglasses I bought.

After that, I got back to the hotel and Will was standing outside my hotel room. I pushed up my sunglasses and I looked at him. I greeted him hello, and he smiled at me and walked away, back into his room.

When I got into my room, I flopped onto my bed and read a book I bought recently. The guys had a show coming up in an hour, so I changed. We went there, and I was all wrapped up in my cardigan. Since I was with the guys, I got a good seat in the audience. There were loads of lights, and the place had a good vibe.

_Lethargy got a hold of me,_   
_And I don't know how to shake it_

The lyrics seemed to go through me, they spoke to me. Dan's voice, it was so unique, so amazing. The crowd went crazy just at the sight of him. Some girls next to me were even crying. (Die hard fans, I assumed). It was pretty cool, being a part of the audience that time, experiencing the things and emotions that everyone else was experiencing. Halfway through the performance, I had to admit I might have even become a huge fan.

We were in the hotel lobby after the performance. It must have been approaching midnight (or much later) when we stumbled inside. I was about to go in my room with Dan appeared out of nowhere. He was a fan of rolled up sleeves, though I never understood why he didn't just buy short sleeved jackets and shirts. It was very rare seeing him in a hoodie.

"Hey, did you have a good time tonight? You know, seeing us perform and all that?" Dan asked me, probably out of curiosity.

I recalled the events of the night in my brain, even in my tired state. Apart from some creep trying to make a pass at me at some point, things had been pretty good. I'd stayed away from drinks and eaten moderately. _Bonus._

"Yeah, I really enjoyed myself. I can see why you like it," I answered.

He seemed happy enough with my answer, because he gave me a little grin. We were standing beside each other awkwardly for a few seconds. I noticed that his facial expression changed, and I only had to wonder what was to come.

"You've found a new career, you've left your job, why didn't you tell me?" Dan inquired.

At first, I was about to snap at him, questioning how he found out, and then I realised what Mark, the fortune teller, had said. I hated admitting that Mark had been right, because now I wished I'd listened to him. A wave of hurt washed over Dan's face. _He must have thought I could talk to him about my life. God, I felt bad._

"I wish I had told you, and the rest of the band. I should have, and I'm sorry for that," I apologised, my head down.

A wave of guilt washed over me. I wasn't the type of person to upset people, and I made sure of that because I was really thorough. I thought about how I could cheer us both up after our misunderstanding.

"Fancy watching a movie?" I wondered.

He seemed quite surprised by my offer, though he nodded and I opened the door, letting him inside. It wasn't really weird having him in my room, because he came inside often and either: stared at me, sparked up a conversation with me or looked out of my window, because I had the best view.

Minutes passed, and I couldn't hook the movie up to the TV. Dan and I joked about the hotel being rubbish, besides gold hanging all around the room. So we ended up hanging out in my room, as usual.

"I've been meaning to ask, that Marty guy, he knows you left?"

I looked at Dan. The Alayna twenty minutes ago would have been extremely hesitant to tell him, but since he had talked to me about stuff like that, it would be best to just swallow my pride and tell him.

"Yeah, he was really supportive. I'm going to miss that...though, having someone interested in me," I admitted, feeling a little embarrassed.

At that moment, Dan shuffled a little closer to me and wrapped his arm around me. It was rather sweet.

"There'll be plenty," he assured, poking my nose.

I giggled, and we talked a bit more about the performance. After that, we ate from the hotel's mysterious wine and cheese selection, though Dan thought it tasted a lot closer to soap powder rather than stale biscuits. (I had a weird London boy in my room who claimed to have eaten soap powder at some point in his life, hey ho.)

Kyle even came in and ate what was left, surprisingly. He was eating a mouthful of cheese when he stopped and looked at us. Without saying anything, he slowly backed away and left the room. I gave Dan a questioning look, though Dan shrugged.

The next morning, I was getting changed. I was frustrated that I had left it till the morning to sort out all the new clothes I'd bought. Dan knocked on my door, and I told him that he could come inside.

"Are you sure, you're barely-"

I shot him a death stare as a trawled through my shopping bags, trying to find something decent to wear. In my frustration, I ended up throwing clothes at Dan, who was just a sitting target on my bed. Somehow, he appeared from under the mountain of clothes with a solution. A simple black dress with long sleeves. It was perfect.

"I love this. Thank you."

I threw my arms around him, and I realised what he had meant earlier. I was only in the hotel's thin, silk dressing gown and I bet you he could _feel everything_. He did nothing but grin at me and walk out of the room.

Just as I was about to undo my dressing gown, Kyle burst in and took another cheese selection the hotel had put out this morning. (He really had a problem).

For the firs time ever, later in the day I watched the guys have a little go in the studio, and it was really cool. There were loads of proper sound equipment, not to mention Will's shiny bass. (He cleaned it about seven times a day). It was so clean I could see my own reflection in it. Their sound was amazing, and it gave me that indie feel.

Obviously, a vocal coach and some other people were in the studio with us. I didn't really care about them, until I noticed a guy coming into the room with coffees. He handed me one, and I looked inside it. How did he...?

"Nobody knows how I like my coffee," I accused, in fear that he was whipping up some kind of black magic or something.

The guy, who was blonde and easy on the eyes, grinned at me.

"Hey. I can read people. It doesn't just stop at coffee," he mentioned.

We stood for a moment staring at each other, and I wasn't sure whether to let the guy go without even making an attempt to secure a friendship with him.

"Where have you been all my life?" I asked in a playful manner.

The guy smiled at me. Whilst nobody was looking, I pulled him out into the corridor and forcibly gave him my number. I had to put myself out there somehow. Dan was right. Surprisingly, he didn't look at me like I was crazy, and he disappeared to go and do his job.

Later on, I got a call from him and made sure to save the number in my phone. His name was Logan, and he was really nice. We had a lot of things in common, too. Since the guys we're having a performance later, I decided to meet him.

The events ended up at my hotel room after trying to find somewhere to eat and failing due to places being too full. Logan was free flowing, and he didn't seem to mind. I suggested my hotel room.

A few talks followed after that, and we shared a long kiss. Hastily, Logan pulled back from me and raised his eyebrows. I looked at him, completely confused as to what I could have done wrong.

"It's gotta be one of them."

I blinked at him, instantly knowing what he was referring to. I mean, it was going to happen. People would ask, if they did see me with a popular band. _How could I not have really thought about that before?_

"I mean, Dan looks at you when he sings."

My face suddenly went hot. That couldn't be true, right? Even if he did like me like that, it was probably all in my head or it was just a little crush or more of an attachment. I put it in the back of my mind.

Slowly, I took one of his hands in mine. He'd asked me a question, I hadn't answered, but he still had to be interested, right?

"You still haven't told me what you do. Besides the coffee runs, anyway," I realised.

Logan seemed a bit hesitant to go on. To cover my tracks, I quickly went on to explain how I had recently quit my job and that it wasn't so bad to be in a rubbish job, because everyone has to experience it.

"Well, I've got a chemistry degree, I didn't really do much with it. I move equipment around, this and that," he dismissed.

When I realised he was a bit ashamed of his job, I was instantly flooded with guilt. How could I have been so insensitive?

"So, you hang around with Bastille a lot. What's the story?" he wondered.

He had asked the question before, but in a slightly different way. My heart was racing and I didn't know how to answer. I imagined myself replying truthfully, and then Dan running after me with those scary eyes...

Speaking of the devil, he turned up out of nowhere since the door was open. Obviously, he saw us both holding hands and he was a bit surprised. He obviously recognised him. Logan flashed a weak smile at Dan, though he didn't return one. I didn't know if I was wrong, but there was a different look in his eyes. They were wider, almost moving by themselves. He was about to say something, but thought better of it and walked away.

"Weird," I said.

Logan didn't reply. He did nothing but look into the distance, precisely at the spot where Dan had been standing. There was a distant look of his face. What was with everyone today?

Due to the awkwardness, Logan left earlier than I had wanted him to, and I was left on my own with a room full of newly bought things and my laptop. Seeing as I had nothing better to do, I thought it would be best to Skype my sister and let her know that I was still alive. Her name was Demi-Leigh, we pretty much looked similar, apart from the fact that she was three years older.

Anyway, it took a while to get connected because I was pretty sure that Kyle was hogging the Wifi we paid for. _He was probably binge watching some show on Netflix that none of us would even consider looking at._ Rolling my eyes, I waited an extra ten minutes, not surprised by the delay to get my sister on the call.

Well, in a few seconds, there it was - her face on the screen. We greeted each other at first, and then she gave me a weird look.

"Wait wait. Is my little sister in a _hotel room_?" Demi-Leigh wondered.

I scowled at her, and realised I couldn't blame her for guessing so accurately since the evidence was sitting behind me.

"We're not decorating, Lee. We're talking," I mumbled under my breath.

 

Honestly, my sister always made me laugh in some way or the other, but I wanted to hold it in because I was super stubborn. Plus, if Woody heard any loud noises he would come rushing inside with a pair of Kyle's trainers held high above his head. (Yes, that actually did happen once and I was surprised that I didn't shit myself).

"Not only a hotel room, but a _posh_ hotel room."

"Demi!"

I heard my sister laugh on the call. The connection was a bit broken in places, so it ended up sounding like some evil cackle or something, not that it was unlike my sister.

"So, Alayna, is there a boy in mind?"

I started shoving a load of mints into my mouth (provided by the hotel) to avoid her question. As expected of Demi, she sat in silence until I finished faffing around.

"There's no boys. I'm fine, really. Just got out of something."

That was enough for my sister to leave the subject at where it was and bury it deep underneath the ground.  We talked a bit more about work, and I somehow gathered the courage to tell her that I quit my job. I didn't really have time to tell her about what my new job was, since she had to go and take regular wee breaks. (She was now heavily pregnant).

Shortly after that, there was a knock on my door. Quickly, I slipped on the hotel's dressing gown and answered the door, looking up at the tall man that stood before me. It was Dan. Instantly, I felt nervous. _What had been wrong before?_

"This other band cancelled. We've got a show, can you come tomorrow? Will you meet me there, Alayna?" Dan asked.

I looked at him with wide eyes, a grin forming on my face. As if he thought that I would miss the opportunity of watching him and his bandmates perform!

"Of course I'll meet you there. I'd like that," I agreed.

To be honest, it felt good him inviting me. I'd been invited to every single one of their gigs, and it felt nice to be a part of the band (kind of, anyway) and not just some travelling showgirl.

Obviously, that night I ran around my hotel room, wondering what the hell to wear. I knew the venue, though I wasn't really certain of how other people would be dressing. In the end, I just threw on a dress and some heels (making sure not to forget that cardigan) and making my way out of the hotel.

Just as I stepped outside the hotel, I got an incoming call from my sister and my phone was vibrating like crazy. There were texts from my parents, too. My eyes widened. _Was something wrong?_ It was my mum talking on my sister's phone. Demi's waters broke hours ago, and she was due to have the baby very soon. I knew that I had to be there.

The hospital was a reasonable distance away. I didn't want to trouble my parents by asking them to pick me up, so I caught about eight buses and ended up there anyway. It took up a lot of time asking for directions, and I was very surprised that my hair was still intact by the time I'd gotten into the room.

Seeing my sister there all freaked out was kind of satisfying, though. Now that I thought about it, she was due. Dad was out getting coffees or something so I was left with mum to try and help Demi push the big old watermelon out. Demi's husband and Dad were taking too long, so mum had to go and fetch them. Demi's husband wasn't too good with the whole birth thing, and appeared to be continually passing out whilst standing up.

Anyhow, the baby came out, and it was a cute, round little baby boy weighing in at six pounds and a little bit more. Eventually, we all got to hold the baby and throw names around and everything was really sweet, until everyone actually...noticed me.

"That's a flashy outfit, isn't it?" Mum pointed out.

Even my sister was poking at my cardigan and my blue sparkly dress, even sneaking her phone from her pillow (which I thought Dad had confiscated as he thought the birth of her child was more important) and snapping  picture of my heels. I protested, but I knew that she was going to post the picture on social media anyway.

"You had a date or something?" My Dad wondered.

I sighed, sitting down next to Demi's husband and shaking my head as my answers to all of their questions.

The night was long, and I realised that I would have to explain myself to Dan when I got back to the hotel. They didn't get back till late, and Dan was obviously disappointed, but he understood why I had missed the show. In fact, he seemed really down.

"Hey. They'll be other shows I can come along to," I assured him.

Just to please me, he smiled and sulked off into his room. Surely there had to be another reason why he was so upset?

Luckily, I managed to catch Woody whilst he was on the way to his room. The others seemed perfectly fine with me, and it was killing me to find out why.

"I think he's pissed that you didn't even call. Or text. Plus, I think he's pissed that you didn't even tell him that you had a sister," Woody explained.

Again, I felt bad pretty quickly. He was right, and it was silly of me, especially after our little conversation.

"Not to mention what he had planned for you tonight, not that it's your fault."

Anxiously, I bit my lip, running a list of scenarios through my brain of what Dan could have planned for me besides food. Uh, nope. None.

"What was it, Woody?"

Woody looked around frantically, and I couldn't blame him because Dan seemed to be around every corner possible, come hotel, come rented house or outside.

"He was going to dedicate a song to you."

He walked away into his room, closing the door behind him, the sound of it echoing in my brain and my head. _Dedicate a song to me?_

_Daniel?_


	6. 06. Things We Lost In The Fire

# 06\. Things We Lost In The Fire

The next morning, I was warned by Woody not to go and check up on Dan. I ignored him, though I was cautious knocking in case it triggered a bomb to go off or something. None of us knew what Daniel Smith was hiding inside his hotel room. He answered the door, and he had that same look in his eyes when we had first met. That _smirk._

I almost didn't want to apologise.

"I'm sorry about last night. What we talked about, I should have dropped that in. I wish I could have met you there," I apologised.

Despite my efforts, he didn't seem too bothered with my apology. Dan left his door open, going back into his room. It was covered with paper, all scrunched up and scribbled over. _I guess that was what he did in his free time, well, he was a songwriter. He didn't look like he really got any sleep either._

But if I was making him feel like that, then what was the point of me talking to him? I understood perfectly why he was upset, I just started to get that weird feeling inside my stomach when I realised that I'd made someone feel like that. I figured that it was best to stay out of his way, give him some space.

I got together with Logan sometime later, and we roamed the streets of Manchester holding hands and talking about our home towns. It was nice seeing him smile, and it was really nice of him to laugh at all of my jokes. Since we were at the holding hands stage, my mind was wandering and I was wondering where he thought we stood, but it was too soon and I was too shy to ask. I didn't want to risk freaking him out.

Once I got back to my hotel room, I felt a bit empty. The guys were all talking and playing games in Woody's room, and for once, I fancied joining in, but I knew that it would be awkward. Dan had really been looking forward to last night. I stayed in my hotel room twiddling my thumbs since I couldn't call Demi-Leigh because she was in the hospital with her baby boy (which the idiot still hadn't named because she was too obsessed with waiting for a poo so she could be released).

Night soon came, and it was about ten but I decided I wanted an early night. After the day's events, I just needed some well earned rest. I was thankful that I didn't have to wake up and make my way to that stupid store I used to work at. Funnily enough, just thinking about it made my eyelids heavy, causing me to drift off into sleep.

It wasn't like I usually had trouble sleeping, but that night I did. It was like there was something out there determined to ruin my day even further, like I hadn't taken enough punches from Dan's glare anyway. Time passed, and all I did was toss and turn in my sleep, probably messing up my hair.

Then it was only a short amount of time after that when things changed. An annoying sound was blaring throughout the hotel, and I had to wonder if it was a car alarm going off outside. At first, I ignored it. Next, I heard the screams. Instantly, I woke up, sitting up and trying to think of what was going on.

Don't tell me. Fire?

Quickly, I got up, covering myself with my dressing gown and falling over, catching my hair in the door. My body sweating and going into panic mode, I tried to remove myself from the door, though it did take a good minute. As soon as I got out of my hotel room, I could smell smoke. I started panicking when I saw nobody else in the corridor, and then I realised I had to keep it together.

My sister's words rung through my brain, strangely at that moment. For once in my life, I had remembered something she had said to me.

"If you've got to do it, no matter what it takes, you've just got to do it, Lay."

Her words soon got distorted as smoke made its way into my lungs and I started coughing. Placing my hands on the wall, I made my way toward the fire exit. _It was in sight. I could do it, I knew I could._ I checked the guys' rooms, but they were locked and there was no sound. Were they out?

When I realised the fire exit was jammed, my sister's words went out of my brain and I ran down the stairs as fast as I could. I even considered the lift. There were a few people screaming and running out of the hotel, and I had to get out as fast as I could. My eyes widened as I saw all of the adults scooping up their children and running to safety. Just as I was about to reach the exit, I got lost in the crowd, ending up in some corridor.

There was nobody there.

Instantly, I started panicking, looking around the corridor and running my hands through my hair as more and more smoke started to creep into my lungs. Blurry images surrounded me. Breathing, taking in a lot of air, a lot of smoke, a lot of fumes. Turning myself around and around again. Everything was getting quieter, a lot quieter.

"Dan! Dan! Don't go in there!" a voice screamed.

I was surprised I managed to make out the speech, because at that moment, standing there in that corridor, I felt as high as a kite.

"Fuck it! I don't care, I'm not leaving her!" a voice shouted.

There were more protests, and I felt my body getting weak, but I had to follow the voices. I managed to gain some strength and make my way to the reception. The voices were getting louder. The staffroom was open, so I staggered in there. _Fumes. Smoke. Smoke._

A man, in front of me. Tall, dark hair and beady blue eyes. I remembered him pulling me closer to him, guiding me out.

I remembered telling the guys I was OK, even though I was coughing more than I had before. Hell, I even remembered standing up and looking back at the burning hotel building.

"What a wild world," I said to myself, and the guys looked at me as if I'd said something philosophical or something.

After that I remembered waking up in Dan's arms, the cold weather hitting me in the face. I felt cold, realising I was in my nightwear and the guys were casually dressed. Then my vision blurred again, and I could barely see.

"Alayna? Alayna? Come on. Come on," he coaxed.

Somehow, I managed to open my eyes again to get a view of his face, then my vision blacked out on me again. I didn't know how to explain it; even though I was unconscious, I could hear everything.

"Can we get an ambulance? Where's the fucking ambulance, we contact them an hour ago. She's not doing too good!" Woody complained.

There were bits of the conversation I didn't catch because of either screaming or the sounds of other people standing outside the hotel and getting themselves sorted or something.

"Woody, now isn't the time to be getting angry. OK how about I go find someone who can help?" Kyle suggested.

I could even remembering hearing the sound of Kyle's footsteps as he walked away to go find help, and then my brain switched off.

It must have been quite some time later, because the next time I woke up, I was sitting in a hospital bed. Someone was sitting on a chair beside me. They looked washed out, pale, exhausted and they were wearing the same clothes as yesterday. It was Dan. Awkwardly, I sat up. Unexpectedly, he took my hand in his, closing his over mine and lowering his head as one of the nurses came in.

The nurse did a few tests and this and that (while Dan was holding my hand) and I was free to go. I was told that most of my things had survived the fire. The guys were OK, but Dan looked like he'd been through hell. _Was he that worried?_

"I didn't think you were going to wake up again."

Before I could even respond, Demi-Leigh, my sister, came rushing into the hotel room in high spirits despite giving birth less than a week ago. Her hair was big and curly, and she was wearing the usual baggy clothing.

"Can you not call anyone?" I asked her.

"Not _call_ anyone? You've been in a fucking fire!" she yelled.

I hoped my sister would continue arguing with me and forget that there was a man in the room sat beside me _still_ holding my hand. It was very strange for me, as Leigh and I nearly never argued. Not properly, anyway.

"Just, please. Please," I urged.

My sister's response was basically a huge sigh. It took two minutes of pushing, but she agreed that she wouldn't call mum and dad. They would go _nuts, even with me being an adult._

"And is that a boy?" she asked.

Dan seemed to turn on, awkwardly looking around the room. He removed his hands from mine, and it must have been the first time I had seen him blush. I just wanted to melt into my bed and never be seen again, honestly.

Though my sister was very loud and was demanding answers as we got out of the hospital, she eventually went back home to her baby and we went to a house Will owned. It was pretty cool. All I wanted to do was sleep after the horrific night we all had, so I did.

Strangely enough, when I woke up, Kyle was making breakfast. Well, he'd eaten way more than his share but there was plenty of batter mix. I sat down and we ate pancakes in silence. Dan had disappeared.

"Where's Dan?" I asked curiously.

Will stopped eating and looked at me. Could this have been what he was trying to tell me before? I noticed he put his fork down.

"He feels a little guilty," Will muttered underneath his breath.

I abandoned my pancakes and charged into Dan's room. I knew what would make everything better. Naturally I suggested going out for lunch. Dan looked at me, that puppy look his eyes. Somehow, I had to make everything better.

"What's brought this on?" he wondered as he was unable to believe me.

"I just feel like getting out. I'm sure it would make us both feel better," I suggested.

Dan's look softened, and he got up, pulling on a man kind of cardigan and rolling the sleeves up as usual. I smiled at him and told him I'd be ten minutes. Ten minutes later, I was washed, showered and ready.

We were all ready to go and sit down and eat at a restaurant, and then we remembered that Dan just so happened to be in a well known British band as well as being the lead singer, so we went and bought something instead to eat on the walk home. The house was in the middle of nowhere, so there was no chance of anyone taking snapshots of us.

So there we were, walking in the hot spring weather with our piping hot chicken and sweetcorn sandwiches with crusts the size of doorsteps. (Well, the guy who served us was a newbie.) I was laughing because Dan completely missed his mouth, and he held his sandwich above his head in order to get all the chicken off his torso, only to have the remaining sweetcorn from his lunch fall all over his hair. I was in stitches, laughing - and I hadn't laughed like that in a good while.

With my right hand, I knocked on the door to the house. With my free hand, I tried raking the sweetcorn out of his hair. Woody answered the door and let us in.

Dan got himself cleaned up and I requested to speak with him after, aware of the three sets of eyes staring at us for whatever reason. I let him inside my bedroom, closing the door behind me.

"I wanted to thank you. For finding me like you did," I thanked him.

Politely, he smiled at me and put an arm around me.

"I couldn't leave you in there, are you crazy?" Dan asked me.

I replied by grinning at him. Since he already had an arm around me, I went for a hug but miscalculated it, so I was awkwardly hugging his side. I removed myself from him and sat on my bed. We were left staring at each other and I realised that I either need to kick him out or think of a conversation starter.

Before I could even decide which option to pick, there was a knock on my door and Will entered. He cleared his throat, and he and Dan had those weird telepathic conversations that they had and Dan reluctantly left the room. I noticed that Will closed the door.

He looked at me the way he had before when we last talked. My insides turned to jelly, and I suddenly felt really nervous. I knew that it was going to be something serious or important. Will sat beside me, putting his hands together.

"Dan, he's less of a dick when you're around," Will said out of the blue.

I blinked, feeling somewhat relieved he wasn't about to tell me that his dog had been sent to the vet and was going to die or something.

"So you're seeing that Logan guy?" Will asked, changing the subject.

I felt a bit uneasy. I wanted to protested and run out of my room in a mood, but I remembered what I had talked about with Dan. I knew he didn't like me being all secretive. Maybe I should tell Will.

"We're just friends, though I do think I like him," I mentioned, feeling my cheeks go hot.

He smiled at me sweetly before getting up and disappearing from my room. Somehow, I had a feeling that he had changed the subject at the last minute, and he was still carrying around a serious conversation in his head. _Maybe I was just paranoid._

Three or so weeks later, I met up with Logan as his house was nearby. I had to wait that long until the guys were definitely out of the house. It was too risky bringing him back to the house in case the guys came back early. I liked it because it was cosy. _Wow. The coffee boy gets paid really well._

Logan made us dinner, and the food was really nice. I felt bad for judging him by joking about how he thought he could cook. Honestly, the food was gorgeous. The whole evening was nice. We spent most of it talking. I still wasn't really sure where we stood.

The weirdest thing happened. I was standing at the door, ready to go when Logan gently pulled me toward him and kissed my neck. I didn't mind, because I brushed my hair onto the other shoulder. His kisses were causing my neck to burn. Of course, I wanted to give into Logan and his touch, but a voice in my head was telling me that it wasn't right. I couldn't give into him.

"You look gorgeous tonight," he complimented me as he hugged me loosely from behind.

A rush of heat seemed to conquer my body in that moment, and I was just getting hotter and hotter in his arms. I wasn't going to lie, the possibility of sex didn't sound too bad. I hadn't done it in ages, and I had my needs, so did Logan. Was it so bad to fulfil them?

Besides, the fire had made me realise what I wanted. Life was too short, I needed to seize the moment. So, I did. I turned around, kissing Logan's soft, pink lips and letting him wrap his arms around me.

I went to bed next to Logan that night, grinning to myself for not letting a silly little thing like a fire let me lose my way.


	7. 07. Booze and False Accusations

# 07\. Booze and False Accusations

I returned to the house at about ten in the morning, and the guys seemed okay with it, though I wasn't sure they knew where I had been. When I turned up in the same clothes as yesterday, it may have given them a clue, though none of them said a thing.

I decided to go with what I had agreed to last night. Surprisingly that day, I was drinking by the evening. It was by myself, in my own room but drinking alone was pretty fun. It wasn't as sad as some people made out. I was a good listener, and so was my wall. Plus, I had a selection of cheeses to choose from (after hiding them from Kyle) as well as a blanket to cover me.

When I got bored of that, I sneaked into Will's room, where he was sitting there all coolly, staring at his laptop that rested on his knees. When he saw me, he jumped and immediately closed his laptop. I staggered over to him with a bottle of wine in my hands, giggling as I sat beside him on the bed, spreading myself out as I looked at him.

"Will, such a dark horse. _Watching porn_ in the Bastille household," I joked.

He didn't seem too impressed, because he got his laptop and put it to one side, tucking it underneath the bed and rolling his eyes at me. Will tried to make a grab for the bottle of wine, but I pushed him away with my other hand and took a big swig out of it.

"Don't be silly," Will dismissed.

For the next minute I started to poke him, but every time I did he shuffled further and further away from me because he didn't have the heart to kick me out of his room.

"Will, Will, Will. You don't really talk much, do you? Say, how are you in bed?"

His facial expression changed, and he started laughing, though I couldn't work out why, for the life of me. It wasn't even like I had a naughty side, I was genuinely interested in how he would answer.

"I could show you," he offered, a different look in his eyes.

I did nothing but smirk at him in that moment, and he reached out to touch me. His hands shook, and it was really noticeable until he put them onto my waist. What was he so nervous about? In one, smooth movement, he moved me closer to him, his hot, nervous hands still on my waist. I could see it in his eyes, he was definitely thinking about it. Gently, he leaned in, placing his head in the dip of my neck, breathing his warm breath onto me. I froze. Will's touch was satisfying. As if he wanted to make sure I wasn't a ghost or something, he slowly moved his hands up my body, feeling the shape of my hips and torso.

Then he made eye contact with me and my body froze just as it had a few seconds before. No words were passed between us as he slowly pressed my body into the bed. My head was on his pillow, and I suddenly felt my eyelids get heavy. The darkness caught up with me, and I found myself falling asleep.

The next morning was weird for me, because I woke up in the coldest room in the house. I had de ja vu to the night Will had put me to bed. The only difference was that he wasn't even in the room. I got out of bed, walking into the living room, completely not remembering last night. A wine bottle. _Had I been drinking? Oh crap._

As soon as I stepped foot into the living room, I regretted my decision instantly. Dan was staring at me, fully dressed with his arms folded and Will was holding a beer, despite it being about eight in the morning.

"You pleased with yourself, huh?" Dan asked.

The guys joked with each other, but by the way he had said what he just said, that was not the joking tone of Daniel Smith. I watched, in fear of my sanity. Will just continued drinking his beer, sitting on the sofa watching TV. Woody and Kyle were in their rooms.

"Dan, I didn't _sleep with her_ ," Will denied.

I guessed that the said girl they were arguing about was me. I didn't know how, but Dan must have heard us or seen us last night. It was all coming back to me now, how hesitant Will had looked. Why did it bother Dan so much?

"Did you touch her?" Dan wondered.

When there was no answer, Dan cast his eyes on me. He must have been really desperate for an answer, because he was tapping his foot on the wooden floor now. For every second that passed, Will gulped down his beer. I realised that I was finally standing in the middle of a war zone. Mark had talked about this. Will ripped open another pack of beers, opening the hard top with ease. They weren't communicating properly.

"God damn it, Will!" Dan yelled.

His voice went through me, and it wasn't in the same way that he sang. I saw a very angry bloke with a lot of feelings bottled up inside him. Will rose from the sofa, facing Dan, and I could see that things were starting to progress.

"Just because you..." Will trailed off.

At once, I was completely interested in what he had to say, and so was Dan, but there was no explanation.

"Just because I what?" Dan challenged him, and I could see that things were probably going to get pretty ugly.

At that moment, Kyle and Woody emerged from their rooms and asked what was going on because they heard a lot of noise, though I just told them to stand back and watch what was going on between the two.

"Fuck, I am _so sick_ of keeping your dirty little secret," Will hissed, and there was a vulgar, horrible tone to his voice.

In fact, I had never seen him in that kind of light before, and it almost made me shake. How both of them were acting almost made me shake. I had to wonder what the secret was, but I couldn't ask.

"We all know how many girls you've fucking banged on tour," Dan rudely mumbled under his breath.

The two bandmates were left staring at each other out of hate, until Will scoffed, picked up his leather jacket and left, slamming the door. At that moment, Woody decided to pipe up, which he usually didn't choose to do.

"Come on, Dan. He's right," Woody pointed out.

Angrily, Dan folded his arms again and shot him a dirty look. Things were spiralling out of control very quickly.

"So you're on that bastard's side now?" Dan accused.

In response, Woody ran his hands through his shaggy hair. He looked really in thought, like he was considering whether to punch Dan or not. That was understandable.

Feeling stressed, I went into my room and started packing up my things. I recently bought a suitcase. I thought about calling Logan, though it wasn't fair on him because there was a studio session soon. It would be incredibly awkward if anyone found out we just happened to be living in the same house together. So I swallowed my pride and was about to call my sister when I remembered that she'd just had a baby and it wasn't fair on her.

I felt really emotional, sitting there in my bedroom that I'd caused them all to have a massive argument. The only person I felt comfortable calling was Mark, however inappropriate it might have looked.

"Ah, Alayna. I had a feeling something might have happened. I heard about the fire, are you all right?"

I nodded and waited for him to reply, realising he couldn't see me physically.

"I'm okay. I've caused an argument, they're all picking fights with each other. I don't know what to do," I explained.

There was a pause.

"Come to the studio tomorrow. I know it may not seem like the best idea..." he trailed off.

Regardless, I agreed and hid in my room all day, not answering any calls or any knocks to my door.

I left to get to the studio earlier than the guys and I was greeted by Mark, how looked like hell. He went on to explain that despite him trying to get some sleep, at three o'clock in the morning he got an angry call from Woody which lasted two hours. I pressured him for the contents, but he was adamant not to tell me, so I had to ask him why.

"It's for your own good, I'm sorry," Mark apologised, and I felt more on my own than ever.

Things got even more chaotic when I received a call from Polly. Logan and Mark were staring at me in the hallway, so I had to take the call in the room Mark would normally be in, full of buttons and weird controls.

"Girl, we haven't heard from you in like, two months. Where the fuck have you been and what's happened?" Polly wondered.

My heart sunk for a moment, because I'd completely forgotten about my friends, of course they'd been worried about me.

"It's hard to explain, I got a new job. I, uh, spent the night at my kinda-boyfriend's house and I'm travelling, sort of on the run and there's Dan and-"

I could imagine the blank look on Polly's face.

"I'll meet you guys in three days and I'll tell you the truth, okay?" I promised.

Polly seemed satisfied enough and put the phone down. We had our usual meeting place, and we set up all the details. I had basically told one of my friends that I was a practically a criminal or something.

I stayed inside Mark's room, peeping out of the corridor when I heard four familiar voices. The guys had arrived, and I didn't want them to see me. I hid myself away, trying to come up with a plan. When I overheard that they refused to be in the same room as each other, I knew that something had to be done. Mark was shouting at Will, who had come into the studio stinking of beer. The noise coming from them was only getting louder and louder.

Mark sighed and pulled me out of the room, causing me to stagger right between Will and Dan, who looked like they were about to kill each other.

"Sort your shit out, or she's coming with me, everywhere I go," Mark threatened.

There was a scary look in the producer's eyes. If I was Will or Dan, I would nod and do as he said, but neither of them were budging.

"That means no more food because Alayna does all the shopping," Mark pointed out.

The look on Will and Dan's faces changed once he mentioned that tiny fact. Instantly, they shook hands. _Gosh, Mark was scary._ I didn't really want to experience that again. Mark let go of my arm and smiled at me. _How did he know that I did all the shopping anyway?_ _The way he was able to bribe them so easily..._

Harry, the guy who I had illustrated his book cover for, got in touch with me as we were leaving the studio after a few hours. He had gotten me some other contacts who were quite interested in my works, so it opened up quite a lot of appointments (which would eat up most of my time) and I would have to go back to my hometown for a couple of weeks.

When I told the guys, I had to convince them that it wasn't because of their behaviour, though I had to admit it felt amazing leaving the house with my suitcase away from all the drama I had caused. Mark was wrong. I was the reason why they had argued, and I didn't want to be a part of that - not for a few weeks anyway.

The first week flew by, because I got settled into my flat and I was at home again. No boys, no drama, no having to go to extra efforts to covering myself as I got out of the shower. It felt amazing. I could pig out and everything. Shockingly, I managed to get to all of my "art" appointments on time. The process was pretty quick, because my "clients" knew exactly what they wanted.

By the third week, I'd already finished with about three clients, but by the time I'd gotten home, I found that I was exhausted. Not to mention how much I was sleeping and throwing up. I figured it was just probably my rubbish diet. Even as I was working, I thought about Logan, and whether he'd moved on to someone else. Us not having sex when we had the opportunity to had probably put him off me. I just didn't know, and I was driving myself insane by thinking about it.

The fourth week came about, and I was finishing up with my last client, Benjamin when he stopped me on the way out because he wanted a picture of me.

"Sorry, it sounds weird, but I think you're gorgeous," he complimented me.

I thought it was unusual, but I put my bag down and sat down. As expected, he put it on Instagram and tagged my account, as well as sending the picture to me. Feeling strange, I thanked him and walked out.

I met the boys in Liverpool, packing out my stuff into my hotel room when I caught them giving me looks. We were standing in the corridor Then they were all looking at each other. When I walked in, they were laughing and joking about. What was the problem? Kyle opened his laptop, going into his room and urged me to come over to him. He logged on and showed me an article of a popular site's _Top 20 Beautiful Instagram Girls._

"Are you joking with us right now?" Kyle asked me seriously.

All the guys were studying me now, and I couldn't work out what they were talking about. I shook my head. We went through some of the top twenty, and I felt my confidence depleting at all the thin or perfectly curvy girls with amazing hair, eyes and legs. Regardless, I didn't question Kyle or the others.

Until he reached the number one girl. It was me. It was me in Benjamin's flat. _He must have had a really good phone, because damn, everything was on point in that picture._ I started backing out of Kyle's room, but then came the eyes and the questions.

"Do you know how hard it is to get on that list?" Woody mentioned.

I felt as if Woody had taken a bite out of me.

I argued, "There must have been some mistake. It's just a picture-"

They all gasped.

"A picture that ended up on the internet, in an article," Dan's stern voice added.

OK, so I told them that I was an illustrator and that was my new job now, and that was the reason why I'd gone back home for a couple of weeks. I'd also returned with a tidy sum in my pocket. They all seemed pretty surprised, apart from Dan, who already knew. Sort of, anyway. Being secretive was exhausting.

Things seemed back to normal when a wandering Dan found himself inside my hotel room, randomly sitting on my bed. He favoured singing, or looking out of the window. He opened his mouth and it sounded cliché, but he took my breath away.

_The animals break out their cages_

  
_Chaos is raining down around us_

  
_Do you wanna be free of this?_

Subsequently after, he turns to me with a massive grin plastered on his face. I was reading a book at the time. I was trying to get my way through the classics. Dan cutely peered over my shoulder.

"I've read that," he pointed out.

I giggled as he started pointing to the page I was on, seeing as there was a sex scene. When he started reading it out loud, I gasped and started to playfully punch him.

"Cheese selection?" I wondered.

Dan was about to nod when he gave me a funny look and laughed.

"Kyle ate them," he pointed out.

I laughed, and we spent the whole night talking. It turned out that when Dan wasn't arguing or being weird, we actually had quite a bit in common.

"I'm happy there isn't any bad blood between us," I let him know.

For a moment, there was silence and then Daniel started to laugh hysterically, though I couldn't understand what was funny. Poking his chest seemed to snap him out of it.

_Everything seemed great._


	8. 08. Realisation and Somehwat Sober

In bliss, I awoke the next morning to a comfortable warmth coming from my torso. I had never slept so well before. In fear that I was sleeping next to Daniel, I woke up with a jolt, only to find that I was in my bed. _Cute, he must have tucked me in._

That morning, I felt like going back to bed and when I woke up, Will was sitting on the chair next to the bed with one leg up, his hands together. I shot him a funny look, though he didn't move.

"Dan doesn't really like you being left alone since the fire," Will explained.

I raised my eyebrows and started licking out some clothes. Meanwhile, I called Logan while Will was still in the room. We talked for a bit, arranged to meet at his house since the hotel wasn't too far away from it. I was about to kick Will out of my room when he stopped me.

"Er, that's a bit suggestive, you know, if you're going to his house."

Feeling unsure, I looked at my choice of clothes then back at Will. It was just a short skirt and a vest top.

"I mean, if you were at my house dressed in that..."

He trailed off, leaving part of his sentence drifting off into space somewhere. _Why was everyone doing that to me lately? Mark not telling me his secret. Will not telling me Dan's secret._

Anyway, I kicked him out and got dressed. Shortly after, I was in Logan's house. The whole evening was lovely. We had dinner, shared a kiss and we watched a couple of movies.

The next day, I tagged along with the guys at he studio and felt a bit embarrassed the band and Mark were whispering as I walked in. Logan was standing in the corridor.

"Ah, so that's why you were late back to the hotel last night," Woody realised.

I felt my cheeks get hot. Will and Dan were the only ones who really knew. Suddenly, I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Who had told the others?

"If I'd have known you had a boyfriend, I wouldn't have touched you," Will mumbled under his breath.

It wasn't like he had touched me in an inappropriate way. What the hell was going on?

"He isn't my boyfriend," I confirmed.

Last night, after all the references to the movies we made and all the laughter we shared, Logan and I decided we were more suited to being friends, and I walked back to my hotel room alone.

Something washed over me and I couldn't control myself because my feet were moving on their own. Before I knew it, I had walked up to Logan and raised my hand, and the next second he was rubbing his cheek which I had just slapped. There was a bright red mark and a handprint on his face, and the guys were half laughing and half gasping.

After that I felt a bit upset, so I went back into my hotel room and read a book to try to calm myself down. I couldn't believe that Logan would do that. I really thought our friendship was building up into something real and raw.

As if on cue, Dan entered my hotel room. I curled up into a ball, my knees against my chin, feeling irritated.

"Good grief," I muttered.

He sat down next to me with a smile on his face, as if he knew something that I didn't. When he did that, it made me nervous.

"The reason why I keep laughing is that you keep referencing our songs and you don't realise," Dan explained.

Suddenly, I felt my cheeks get all hot again. _Gosh, I was getting flustered in front of him._ I Googled them the other day, feeling embarrassed I was sharing some of my worst moments with Bastille. There were girls who would be happy enough to kill me to even get the slightest glimpse of Dan.

Out of the blue, he got up and headed out of my room. We were kind of mid conversation, so I followed him and all the guys were gathered inside Woody's room. It was pretty much the same as hours, apart from the cheese selection in plan sight sticking out of the wardrobe. Even Kyle was eyeing it. _How was he so thin, huh?_

"We need fun tonight. We should do something fun," Dan urged, all of a sudden, though I felt honoured to see him looking so alive and happy.

"What do you suggest we do?" Woody asked, and he looked a bit grumpy that we were all crowding in his room.

"Truth or dare. It's old, but we got beers," Dan suggested.

Within ten minutes we were all sitting down on the floor of Woody's hotel room, some of us with our legs crossed, others on their knees. Will had nabbed a stash of beers for himself, meanwhile we were all holding one, or had one near to us. Will had already gotten through one bottle, so we used that. Woody asked Kyle, and Kyle picked truth.

"Will you ever get rid of that crazy moustache? And the beard?" Woody questioned.

Kyle looked like he instantly regretted getting involved in the whole game. He shot Woody a dirty look and shook his head. Kyle reached for the bottle, spinning it. I watched it go round and round, and it stopped at Will. By that time, I'd already finished my beer. Kyle looked a little evil in the dim light of Woody's hotel room. (Woody was basically a vampire.) Will picked truth.

"Pussy," Dan commented.

I wasn't used to them using words like that, but hell, I still found it funny and reached for another beer. After Logan I just wanted to relax.

"Where's the last cheese selection box?" Kyle asked.

The room suddenly went silent. Woody couldn't turn around to look at the wardrobe, but we could see it, and it wasn't like we could just go over to it and hide it. Even Will looked nervous. Maybe Kyle was just as scary as Mark?

"In Woody's wardrobe," Will answered with a sigh.

Woody reached over and flicked Will's head, and they had a bit of a girly slapping fight until Kyle came back with the cheese selection box and intervened with loud crunching sounds. Their lover's tiff ended with a _fuck you_ from Woody shortly after.

Anyway, we ditched spinning the bottle and we went in the order of the way we were sitting, if that made sense. That made it Dan's turn. He picked truth.

"Fucking pussy," Woody put out there.

Again, I giggled and grabbed myself another can of beer, cracking it open and consuming almost half of it in one gulp. It just tasted so sweet and it was making my brain all fuzzy.

"Have you made a move on Alayna yet?" Will wondered, downing another beer and chucking it to the side of him, much to Woody's dismay.

Dan seemed kind of nervous for a moment, and I couldn't help but notice he looked at me for a moment and his cheeks were a bit red. Completely evading the question, he picked up a beer and started downing it as a forfeit. His lips puckered at the bitter taste, and he chucked it to the side. It was me next, and I picked truth like all the others. Dan wouldn't ask me, so someone else did.

"Last time you had sex?" Will asked.

My eyes widened at the question, and I cleared my throat. Well, Bastille did consist of a bunch of guys around my age. They were guys. My age. _Of course they'd be thinking about stuff like that, but at that moment they were staring at me like a piece of meat, or it was in my mind, I wasn't sure._

"Three years ago," I answered truthfully, feeling my face burn.

Before anyone said anything else, Woody tried to make a grab for the cheese selection, but Kyle was too quick and sat on the bed with his legs crossed, scoffing the whole lot to himself. _Greedy bugger._

After the game, I felt the need to confront Dan about something. We were in his room, and I was feeling really confused.

"Why did you avoid the question?"

His reply was followed by a sigh.

"Alayna, I can't be in the same room as you right now," Dan warned me, as if he was a bomb waiting to go off.

My face formed an angry, somewhat confused expression.

His soft hands found themselves on my waist all of a sudden, and I felt really hot and confused. Dan wasn't looking at me, he was avoiding eye contact with me. My heart was beating like a drum.

"Dan?"

There was no response, it was just him concentrating on me. He gently took one of my hands, squeezing it tightly before flashing me a look full of emotion. It seemed that he was hesitant to let my hand go, though he left the room shortly after, leaving me puzzled and quite frankly - a little sad.

That night, I just couldn't sleep. I felt a bit selfish, because if it was any other girl in my situation, they would be skipping across the room with joy, running their fingers through their hair and making weird giggling/snorting noises. I was a bit worried, to be honest. It felt like he was saying his goodbyes or something.

The next morning down in the hotel's canteen, I was sitting with Woody, Will and Kyle. Dan hadn't woken up yet, and I assumed nothing of it. Looking back, I should have. That was one thing I never did. Kyle was eating, as usual. Will had been halfway through his cereal when he turned to me with straight look on his face.

"Dan seemed a bit out of it last night, would you happen to know why?" Will asked me curiously, which sent a chill down my spine.

All the telepathy was making my head spin. Honestly, I didn't know how the hell they did it every day.

"S-sorry, I don't really know why," I answered honestly.

We continued eating our breakfast in silence. I couldn't stand it. Did they think I was lying?

That night, the band had to play a concert, and I tagged along, though Dan and I sat next to each other, we weren't really talking. We were just staring at the others, hoping the ride would be over. The ride was bumpy, and so was my communication with Dan.

Instead of being out front, I stayed backstage with Mark, who happened to be talking to some important looking people. He turned to me with that serious look on his face that Will had a few hours ago.

"Alayna. Come here a sec," he ordered with a soft tone to his voice.

Though he didn't sound too demanding, a voice in the back of my head was telling me that I shouldn't. Regardless, I walked over to him. It seemed the only right thing to do. I mean, I respected Mark Crew.

I felt him place his hand in the small of my back. His mouth was level with my ear.

"Care to tell me why Dan turned up here extremely pissed?" Mark whispered into my ear.

I laughed it off, greeting the guests in front of me, feeling nervous. _I guessed he wanted an answer. Probably in the next ten minutes._

About that much time passed, and I still hadn't given him an answer.

"Alayna."

There was a very warning tone to Mark's voice. I tried to make my way down to the front of the crowd, but he caught me. Reluctantly, I turned around to face him.

"Please."

I sighed deeply and sat in the nearest chair, putting my hands together, ready to tell him. Something stopped me. I didn't mean to ignore Mark, I just blocked him out, and I was soon enough falling asleep.

When I woke up, Mark was sitting beside me with a polystyrene cup full of tea, creepily watching over me. Mark looked at me, and he was holding a bottle of lemon flavoured iced tea. He tried to pass it to me, but I turned my nose up at it. Gently, he brushed it against my face and the cold feeling of it sort of changed my mind, so I took it.

I couldn't hear any cheering. Was the concert really over?

"I-I slept through the _whole_ concert?"

Mark nodded.

"So _that's_ it."

I blinked at him, unsure whether to consume my ice tea. Did it have some kind of truth serum in it? Mark stood up, taking the iced tea out of my hands and putting it to the side. He gestured for me to stand up, and I did.

Unfortunately, the guys walked in. Kyle was really hungry, so he hit the vending machines. He came back with a load of chocolates and crisps. Again, Mark placed his hand in the small of my back and walked me up to Dan.

His eyes were a bit bloodshot, though he was still standing. Dan was looking at me.

"Doesn't Alayna look gorgeous tonight?"

Woody didn't seem too impressed by Dan's lack of response. Kyle was standing awkwardly in the corner and Will was looking as cool as ever.

Besides, I didn't know why Mark asked that because I was only wearing a tiny bit more makeup than usual. Sure, I was wearing a skirt and a sort of chesty top but it wasn't anything too much. _Or so I thought._

"She does."

Dan was biting his lip, like he was annoyed, though I couldn't figure out why.

"I've just been keeping her company," Mark explained, taking a sip from his cup in his right hand.

Whilst biting his lip, Dan nodded. There was some kind of tension in the room, and I felt as if I was causing it. I knew that Mark was planning something, although I couldn't work out what exactly.

It must have gotten too heated for the others, because one by one they either made excuses to leave or just disappeared randomly. Kyle used the excuse of getting more food, meanwhile Woody claimed to have left his drumsticks on stage somewhere, and Will's base had somehow acquired legs in the past five minutes.

When Mark noticed that whatever he had cooking was working, he looked at Dan, and they went to talk on stage. No fans were out there to see them. Maybe they would catch Woody on the way or something. I went over to the ice tea, trying to pack some of Kyle's food into my bag. Then, I went into Will's dressing room since we shared it.

I found myself back in the backstage area, only to hear voices. Mark and Dan were having a heated discussion, and it seemed that Mark was the only person he really listened to. I blocked out their conversation, feeling bad that I was eavesdropping.

However, Dan walked away from Mark halfway through the conversation and started tapping his feet on the floor randomly. I frowned, not seeing what he was doing. Then came the running his hands through his hair, and the frantic looking around. His eyes were wide, dangerously wide, and I stood round the corner leading to the backstage area frozen. I watched him open his palms again and again, breathing in and out. _What was going on?_

"Dan?" Mark called, his expression looking a bit more concerned.

I thought it was best not to confront him when he was vulnerable, no matter how much I wanted to comfort him. I watched, on edge, as the producer tried to make sense of the situation.

"Dan? Dan? Are you all right?"

As if someone had pressed a button, Dan's eyes were smaller, like he was focusing on the world around him again. His hands had stopped shaking, and he turned around, listening to Mark like before. Like any person would, Mark suspected nothing.

That night, we got back to the hotel, and even in the ride, Dan and I still hadn't talked, even though I'd made a few conversation starters. It seemed that the others were up for talking, though.

I felt a mix of emotions whilst in my hotel room, but I couldn't let what I had seen fly past my shoulders. I was barely dressed when I had the idea to make things right between me and Dan. Quickly, I pulled on one of the hotel's dressing gowns and knocked on the door to his room.

"Dan?"

Like death, he appeared from the darkness before me, looking a bit more sober than he had when I last saw him. Without saying anything, he let me inside. Nevertheless, I smiled at him as I went inside. He was waiting for me to say something, and I felt my cheeks get all hot. _I can't believe I hadn't thought about it._ I noticed that as I was thinking, Dan was looking me up and down.

"I was thinking, we should have a sleepover party or something. Kyle's got plenty of snacks, a few of which I nicked, I'm not sure which room we could have it in, and I know you'll all probably be tired-"

To my surprise, he interrupted my flow of thought by uttering a simple, "Sure."

I squealed and hugged him.

"I'll go get the others, then."

Of course, I was going to rotate and make my way to their rooms, but Dan was holding onto me with more grip than I had originally thought, messing up my whole planned train of movement. I gave him a look, gesturing for him to let go, but he was staring at me with that lost look in his eyes.

"The last time I left you alone, there was a fire."

Seeing as Dan was upset, he obviously needed someone to comfort him, so I put the past behind me and looked at him.

"It's okay. That's fine, I'm not going anywhere, I'll stay here."

Despite him saying that, he was the one to fall asleep first, but we had a bit of an issue as his arm sat comfortably around my waist, and if I moved I risked waking up a rather angry Daniel Smith. Half an hour later, Will walked in and was about to walk out when I mimed: _Help me._ Awkwardly, he climbed onto the bed next to me and sat as far as he could away from me, and I stared at him blankly.

Will and his fucking boundaries.

As soon as he saw the look I was giving him, he moved closer to me, lying down fully. We were having an awfully quiet miming conversation, where I had to explain that Dan had fallen asleep within five minutes of me coming into the room. Then when Woody and Kyle walked in, we managed to bribe them. Soon, we were all falling asleep, in the same room.

What was meant to have been a sleepover, anyway.

 

 


	9. 09. Thinking Like a Fangirl

Funnily enough, we all ended up waking up at roughly the same time. I got a bit of a shock when I awoke to Will smiling at me. _Fucking vampire._ Dan and Will were linking hands (somehow) as Dan's arm was still hugging my waist, but the other came over my body and was linking hands with Will. _It was cute, come on._

I took the moment to take in Dan's sleeping face. I hadn't been in that close proximity with a guy for about three years. I took notice of the way his almost-black hair fell every time he moved his neck, and how lovely his facial features were. In addition, I also took note of Will (who was still eyeing me, it was like he was asleep and awake at the same time) and the others. _They were pretty cute guys._

_Oh my gosh, I was thinking like a fan girl._

Obviously, when Dan woke up, I was scared that he would be angry, but he seemed to laugh it off, especially when he realised that he was linking hands with Will. It was extremely cute and bromance-y when Will had fallen asleep, missing Dan's reaction. _Stop thinking like some sort of fan girl._

Dan grinned at me. The grin on his face was really big, and I was pleased because it was a big improvement from last night. I couldn't stop worrying about what I had seen backstage, and the way he had taken my hand last night and squeezed it.

Somehow, I managed to wriggle my way out of the room, making sure to smile at Dan before I left. Skipping along, I went into my room, stripped off, got in the shower and washed my hair when I got a knock on my door. Rapidly, I rushed around the room, putting my dressing gown on. I opened the door.

To my surprise, it was a random guy standing at my door. Gosh, his eyes looked really spaced out. His skin was pale, and he looked really out of it. Looking at him, he was wearing ordinary casual attire along with some extremely white trainers. It was noticeable that his mouth was open.

"This...isn't...my....room," the guy pointed out.

Slowly, I nodded, hoping that he would get the message and stagger down the corridor, back to wherever he came from.

The complete opposite happened, because he just stood where he was, staring at me. Next, he seemed a little dizzy, so he started staggering. At that point, I was left with no choice but to struggle to drag him into my room. We were on the twelfth floor, help was ages away.

He was asleep quicker than you could say, well, anything.

I took the time to observe him. I hadn't really seen him around the hotel before, so I didn't really know his name. Awkwardly, I sat on my bed looking at the stranger. He was about my age with a nose stud, a small stretcher in his ear and blond hair.

Obviously, I had to sit and watch him When the guy woke up, he was very confused and shivering, so I had to dig out some blankets in my wardrobe.

"Hi. You collapsed here. I'm Alayna."

There was a pause. _I had to wonder if he had forgotten his own name._

"Blake."

Another pause. The guy looked at me, blushing when he realised that I'd been watching over him the whole time. The weird thing was that he seemed one hundred times more sober than he had been before.

"I'm sorry for the trouble, could I treat you, perhaps?" he wondered.

All of a sudden, I felt really flustered. It was the typical book or movie kind of scenario, and the Blake was pretty cute, so I had to come up with an answer soon. _Stop being a fangjrl. He was a random, drunk dude._

Despite repeating that statement inside my head over and over, less than an hour later I was sitting in a nearby restaurant with him without telling the band where I'd disappeared to. _Well, I was twenty five. I was a big girl, or at least I thought so, anyway._

"So, why were you so drunk earlier?"

"Forget about me. Let's talk about you. You're bloody gorgeous."

Again, I felt myself getting all flustered, so I had to kick myself underneath the table. Blake gave me a few more compliments before obsessing over all the food on the menu and taking pictures of them. I spotted how nice the waiting staff were to him, I thought it was odd, but then I figured that he was just a regular.

We walked back to the hotel after our little date of some sort, laughing and sharing stories. I made sure to save his number on my phone.

Dan was standing in front of my door, and he didn't seem too impressed. I needed to talk with him about what I saw, but I needed him not to overreact. Quickly, I ushered him into my room, locking the door behind me. When he heard the sound, he turned to me and gave me a funny look.

"The other day, I saw you talking to Mark. You didn't think anyone noticed, but I did."

There was a silence. It was so loud it was impossible to ignore.

"You...saw that?"

I nodded and waited for him to reply, but he looked completely distraught. I was worried that I'd troubled him even more than before.

Immediately, he rushed past me, trying to open the door, trying as hard as he could. When he realised I'd locked it, he suddenly looked a bit annoyed.

"I-I can't talk about this," he stammered, and I could see how nervous he was.

I watched him put his hand to his mouth and look around the room. When I decided that I'd done enough, I unlocked the door and let him go.

The next day had to be one of the worst days I had ever experienced. I got a call, and I ignored it at first, but then I got a text from someone, Woody, telling me to answer it. My hand shaking, I answered the call. There were many things running through my mind at that moment.

The reason why it had been the worst day I'd been through in my life so far was because it was Mark, and he usually called when there was bad news.

"It's Dan. I know he doesn't want me to tell you, but he collapsed after a little gig," Mark explained.

It took me a while to catch my breath. I felt guilty about not letting Mark know what I saw and how he'd been acting. I felt guilty, as if I was the reason for Dan collapsing.

"I-Is he okay? W-What's wrong with him?" I asked, my voice all shaken.

"Yeah. Look, please talk to him," Mark pleaded.

Where I was, I stood on the spot, feeling conflicted. It wasn't a good idea, though I saw where he was coming from.

"Okay, I appreciate this. I'll go talk to him now," I thanked him.

My heart in my mouth, I cancelled my plans and made it back to the hotel, where I assumed Dan would be in his room. I thought about knocking on the door, but I wasn't sure. Woody walked past me in the corridor and flashed me a sympathetic smile, quietly telling me to go inside.

My hand shaking, I went into Dan's room, and he was sitting on the bed staring into the wild world that sat before him. He looked so lost, and I could even see it in his eyes. All I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and comfort him, but I knew I had to pull myself together for his sake.

Slowly, I approached him as if he was an endangered animal. I didn't want him to get all startled, but it seemed that he had already sensed my presence in the room. With little effort, he swivelled around on the bed, facing my direction - and it was weird, like he was the old Dan again. The arrogant guy I had first met. I wanted him to go back to that guy, the guy with all the papers in his room, the guy with the smirk.

"Do you know why I sing?" he asked, running his hands through his messy, almost black hair which clearly hadn't been styled.

I looked at him with interest, feeling a bit sceptical. I wasn't sure if he really wanted to talk with me, but it looked like he wanted to, so I took that as an OK to sit on the chair near to his bed.

"For those moments that I do, I forget. I'm in...kind of...like, my own world," Dan expressed, running his hands over his face twice.

Looking at him, he looked so drained, so pale, so non-existent. His hair fell perfectly in every direction, and it suddenly occurred to me I was only taking notice of his morning look at that precise moment. _Stop thinking like a damn fangirl!_

"Away from the media. Away from all the fucking shit. Away from all the bad things," he said, sighing deeply and running his hands through his hair again.

I nodded, because I understood what he was going on about. Sometimes, I wished I could get away from everything too. What he needed was someone who could listen to him, and I wanted to be that person. When he gestured for me to sit beside him, I didn't question it. He smiled at me.

"Mark's taken quite a shine to you," he pointed out.

I shrugged, not seeing the point he was getting at. The producer seemed quite friendly, I wasn't really one to judge.

"He hates it when we bring girls to the studio. Hell, even introduce them to him. I don't know what he's playing at," Dan mumbled under his breath.

Gosh, he made me laugh sometimes. What made me so special, anyway? It was nice to see him joking around again, though. It all had to come crashing down sometime, so I had to say something.

"What did Mark say to you? That night you were talking?" I questioned him.

His eyes went dark for a moment, and he looked away from me and started acting all fidgety, and then he pulled himself together. There was that distance look in his eyes again, like he was staring at me, but he wasn't. It was like someone else had taken over control of his body and he was powerless. Dan smiled weakly at me before speaking.

"He told me...that I was flying too close to the sun," Dan muttered.

I thought of what he was talking about, and I was pretty sure that there was some kind of pun or context attached to it, but I couldn't remember. Anyway, I figured it would be best to give him some rest, so I said my goodbyes and left for my room.

Since I was curious, I typed what Dan had said into Google and the story of Icarus came up, so I immediately understood. _Not to mention that he made a song about it. Silly Alayna. Mark and his manipulation with words._

Whilst I was on my laptop, my homepage came up randomly and I saw an article about the top twenty girls thingy the guys had been going on about. I was still on there, and there was a separate article attached to my picture, published two hours ago. My eyes went about as wide as a football pitch. There was an empty article about me, and it was obvious that journalists were interested in finding out more about the number one girl. _I kind of liked that, though._

The next day, the guys had some kind of dinner with Mark and some other people or something (I think it was to get hold of a new studio nearby) so I decided to drop by when they were finished. Mark wasn't surprised to see me, though I could never really tell by the blank expression on his face all the time. The "other people" had already left and everyone except Will and Mark were chilling in the corner. Will was all cool looking with his layers on, and the others were sitting at a table.

And then I noticed. Every time Will went up to the bar, Mark would sigh deeply and start talking to me more, feeding the pointless conversation even more. It was obvious that Will was drunk and embarrassing him, though there was something weird going on. Once he noticed that I'd arrived, he ran to me with open arms (which was so unlike him) and pressed me against his chest.

"Alaynaaaa, my little big sister," he greeted me, squeezing the life out of me.

I smiled at him weakly. _OK, just how much had he had to drink?_ I looked at Mark, but he just shrugged and carried on drinking his beer until Will took it off him and had it for himself, much to Mark's dismay.

To my surprise, Will got hold of my hands, linking them with his. That kind of heat made me feel nervous. Immediately, Dan came over with a straight face, folding his arms.

"Alayna. Hi," he greeted me.

I greeted him back, spotting a glint in Mark's eyes. I told Dan that I would get back to him, and I grabbed Mark and dragged him away from the others so that we could talk in a more private setting.

"You got Will drunk on purpose because you knew Dan would come over!" I accused him, in a kind of whisper.

He seemed surprised that I'd figured it out so quickly, but regardless, he still drank his beer.

"Quite," Mark replied monosyllabically.

I mean, we'd all known each other for about four months know. Anyway, I made my way back to Dan. We talked properly for the first time in ages. I glanced over at Mark. I wondered what he couldn't tell me.

Was it really out of his hands?


	10. 10. Going With The Currents

Hours later, we got back to the hotel. We got to our rooms quicker than the others, but instead of going to mine, I went to Dan's. We sat close to each other on the bed, giggling and telling stories of some sorts. It was one of the few times when I had found out more about him, and I was really happy.

The following day, we were all woken up by the groaning sound coming from Will's hotel room. It was Mark's doing, buying him all of those free drinks. _I just knew the others had been on it too, though it was kind of funny._ I walked into his room, and he must have thought I was someone else, because he hugged me tightly. (It was pretty dark in there). Feeling confused, I wriggled out of his arms and went back into my room.

For some reason, whenever Dan had the opportunity, he would come into my room and sit on the bed facing the bathroom window. I was curious why he always did so, so I managed to gather enough courage to ask.

"It's like there's more light when you're here, I don't know. It sounds fucking insane, I know. It's relaxing," Dan explained, making my heart skip a beat.

I felt a bit more confident somehow after hearing that. Strolling to the bathroom, I stood as tall as I could, pushing the window open so that more light could flood the room. My actions made Dan smile, which was what I wanted. I made my way back to him. He looked a thousand times more attractive, and it was at that exact moment when I really took note of his appearance. Daniel's jawline was perfect, and those to-die-for blue eyes. When the sun shone on him, it made his smile more powerful, more meaningful.

I couldn't stop that grin spreading across my face.

"I don't think you're flying too close to the sun at all," I complimented him, still contemplating whether to sit down beside him or not.

What I said seemed to make him quite happy, because his eyes got bigger and he ran his hands through his hair, blushing slightly. The happiness seemed to end quickly, because it was as if he had snapped straight back into the real world, and his expression turned somewhat gloomy.

"I do know how it feels to take a fall," Dan demurred.

Sympathetically, I nodded and looked at him. For once, my brain was working and I realised there was some kind of hidden meaning behind what he was saying. My first thought was to rely on Mark, but I didn't want to bother him.

Since Dan had been feeling down for the past few days, I figured that I need to take some time for myself, alone for a day or two. What I needed to do was, indeed, start thinking like a fangirl. I needed to find out everything I could about Bastille there was possible, and I only had about twenty four hours to do so in case they noticed I hadn't emerged from my room. For hours I was staring at google, various articles and fact sites.

It was after four hours straight of staring at my laptop and typing when I began to question the reliability of some of the sites, so I got a pen and a notepad out and started mind-mapping my ideas based on some of their songs. I sat with some snacks from the canteen, stuffing my face whilst watching their artistic music videos. After watching them a few times, I got used to them and what followed after each scene, understanding fully what the meaning behind them really was. I also realised how I had been referencing some of their songs, and Dan was pleased when I did it, so I thought of some more ways to work them into everyday conversation. Furthermore, I realised that Mark had been referencing Icarus, and Dan had earlier.

Ironically, how Dan was feeling was what most of the band's songs were about. Naturally, one wouldn't assume that a singer always sings from a true perspective, but Dan _was._ In a way, I felt a bit sorry for him. There was so much pressure with being a singer, being a well recognised artist. _I hoped I could be that one day._ Dan opened me up to a whole new world of thinking, and I hoped that somehow, I could make it positive so that we could reap its benefits.

Just as I was about to close my laptop, I noticed that I had left YouTube open, and a video was playing in the background. The voice was familiar, so I took a moment to listen. _Wait a minute, wasn't that Blake's?_ My eyes widened. I had discovered the guy who had treated me to lunch was a Vlogger with just about ten million subscribers. My heart was on fire. I mean, I couldn't blame him for not telling me. _That wasn't something you just told a girl you asked to lunch!_

_Of course not._

I thought it was about time to pay Blake a visit. Since we were pretty much OK friends, I thought nothing of knocking on his hotel room door. He answered with a bedhead, though it was three in the afternoon. Nevertheless, I smiled at him. I couldn't share my idea with Dan, so I thought of spilling a bit of it to Blake.

"I was hoping to go to town, but I'd like to bring someone with me. If you're not busy, could you tag along?" I wondered, making sure to work every inch of my smile.

Clearly, it must have been my best feature, because Blake didn't look like he was swaying in my direction, but when he saw how determined I was, it was obvious that he had changed his mind before he had even opened his mouth.

"Sure. I can clear my schedule for you. I'll be just ten minutes," Blake agreed, letting me know that he was going to get ready.

I waited outside in the corridor, and he took as long as he said he would have, and soon we were off and out onto the streets of Manchester. We managed to get quite high up off the ground (managing to grab a cheap tour) allowing me to take some key pictures of the great city that stood before us. On the rooftop, it felt as if we were on top of the world. I could feel the summer heat hitting me like hail in the winter.

"You like being out, don't you?" Blake figured, a big grin on his face.

I nodded excitedly, getting my camera out. It took me a minute to figure out the angle I wanted to shoot from, with Blake's assistance. (With him being a Vlogger, he'd become quite skilled with cameras, and in fact, I was quite surprised).

The city of Manchester was simply beautiful, magnificent and it just seemed to take our breath away. It was Blake's first time in the city, as well as mine. Mass colours of grey surrounded us, a big concrete jungle with lights, dim, white and yellow. What was in front of us was a truly dazzling world, yet it had so many things wrong with it.

_That was probably what Dan was thinking of._

_Stop being a God damn fangirl._

After spending twenty minutes taking pictures of the city (and asking people for permission for taking pictures of them) Blake and I took some of our own pictures. They were pretty decent, and I liked bathing in the likes on Instagram so what the hell - I just told him to post it. I felt a pinch of regret afterwards though, because what if my friends had seen them or my family?

Oh, what the hell. I was going with the currents, okay?

When I got back, I was told by Woody that they all were invited to a party, and they tried to get out of it, but they had to go. I could tell that Will was excited about it, even though he was Mr Cool most of the time, because he was the one who got bored pretty quickly. They said that I was free to go. When Kyle announced that he was bringing his girlfriend, everyone except me started staring at me and whispering.

I watched them curiously as Woody cleared his throat and brushed his fingers through his shaggy brown hair before turning to face me.

"Well, me and Will are going to go someone before. Mark wants us _there,_ but he didn't say anything about being there at the start," Woody felt the need to explain.

Somehow, Will seemed confused by Woody's statement and was obviously about to protest before Woody leaned toward him and pressed a finger to his lips. _They were all crazy, even from the first day I met them._ Kyle seemed to know what they were going on about, because he smirked and raised his eyebrows, and I could even see the smirk through his dark beard.

Immediately, they started staring down Dan, who had no idea what was going on. He gave them the look which meant I-have-no-idea-what-telepathy-you-guys-are-performing, though no communication was being performed or carried out. Dan looked pretty awkward, because he was sitting crossed legged on the sofa of the lounge, looking out of place somehow. Kyle cleared his throat.

"So, Alayna, you're not busy that night. Do you have anyone to go with?" Kyle wondered.

I thought it was weird Kyle asking me that, though I still answered and shook my head. I didn't have anyone to go with. Awkwardly, Dan turned around so that he was facing me. His eye contact with me was very minimal, and he came across rather shy.

"We could go together," Dan suggested.

I sat down beside him since nobody was sitting to the side of him.

"Sure, I'd like that," I answered.

He was pleased at my answer, and I was happy that he wasn't unhappy.

Tomorrow night came around quickly, and for once, I managed to put some effort into my appearance. I took great care in applying my makeup, managing not to get it on my dress. I'd bought it recently, and I was worried about it being a bit chesty, though I couldn't ask a guy for his opinion. I wasn't feeling too risky, so I threw on my long cardigan.

We arrived at the venue (or should I say really big house) which was a mansion, kind of. The walls and ceiling were quite high, not to mention wide. There were loads of people there, and I did a bit of mini-celebrity spotting with Dan. I didn't want to bump into Mark, (at least, not for a long period of time) but he spotted me when I least expected it. He pulled me over to him. Will was already standing by him, and by the look on his face, Mark had found out about him and Woody and their disappearing act.

"It's a bit hot in here, isn't, it? Why don't I get that for you?" Mark offered.

I felt the need to say yes as the guys had been judging the cardigan since day one, so I slowly took it off, and I felt people staring. I mean, I was only wearing a high, flowy skirt along with a bralet (it wasn't really a bralet, because it was more like a slightly extended crop top because I wanted to remain modest, yet I failed because I was feeling and looking rather chesty).

To my surprise, Dan gently wrapped his arm around me and flashed me a friendly smile. I thought nothing of it at the time.

"Don't worry, you look gorgeous," he whispered into my ear so that only I could hear him, and I felt special.

Hoping that no-one would notice, I raised my head to look at him and smiled. Mark was standing in front of us, pleased with himself somehow. Then, he started walking away, until he noticed he had left Will behind. He gestured for him to walk behind him. Will said goodbye to us, and we laughed at him.

From all the articles, obviously, I had people recognising me and complimenting me, and honestly it was like being a celebrity myself. Somehow, I felt as if I belonged there.

Overall, we had a great time, drinking, talking, throwing ourselves about and it was just me and Dan, and I could really understand him. It was our last night at the hotel, and I was reluctant to leave the dressing gown.

Within a week we were staying at a luxury home an hour away from my hometown. It was pretty much a chill out week, because none of us had anything planned. As I was getting closer to the band, I began to understand them more and more. Plus Woody's fear of heights.

One night, Woody, Kyle and Will went out, though I wasn't sure where they were being awfully shady about it. I wasn't sure if Dan was, but I was very curious about where they were going and why. My mind would only wander and assume they were on their way to a strip club or something of the sort. _I would question them when I got back, I thought._

That left Dan and myself to try to entertain ourselves for the evening, but we'd already eaten, got through a whole bottle of lemonade (to which Kyle was going to scream at us for) and a whole two packets of Haribos (which were Will's, but we convinced him that we wanted to be vegetarians, so he hadn't kept them safe) not to mention the chocolate we'd eaten for breakfast as well.

As a result, we were sitting on my bed. We'd been talking straight for the last twenty minutes, though I was running out of conversation topics inside of my brain. Dan was completely spacing out.

"Dan?"

He snapped out of it, linking his hand with mine. It caught me off guard slightly, because I wondered why he had made such sudden contact with me. It was very unlike him. He wrapped his arm around my waist, and my heart was thumping against my chest. Well, I didn't object, but it was still strange. The way he was looking at me, he was looking deeply into my very soul. Next, he started pulling me closer toward him, so that we were both sitting at an angle, but we were facing each other. _We hadn't been that close to each other since I thought he was going to kiss me that one day, but I had just been paranoid._

"Sorry, did you say something?" Dan asked me.

What was I meant to say, I mean, I was in shock at that moment. I was sitting next to him, and he suddenly converted back into borderline-friend-mode although his hands were still on me.

"You mentioned the media before. I was thinking, if it's bothering you so much, why don't you stop using it?" I suggested, considering his feelings.

"Nah. I've always liked to keep posted, I guess," he dismissed, though it was a fair enough point and I couldn't blame him for it.

It must have been literally a second later when we heard the sound of the door open. At first, he seemed reluctant to move, but then he got up and went to the living room. Of course, I followed closely behind him. The guys talked about their night out, and although I was happy that it had allowed me to have some time alone with Dan to bond with him, I still knew so little about him.


	11. 11. The Blame Game

  
There was a picture on social media of Will extremely pissed, and as a result, Mark had come round to the flat extremely annoyed. None of us were very happy being woken up at eight in the morning, and we could all hear the familiar sound of Will groaning. We all sat in the living room, draped all over the furniture but none of us complaining in case Mark Crew was planning to lock us up and throw away the key.

However, when he showed us the picture, it was impossible to make it seem like a positive, band-friendly thing. Inside my head, I was still laughing about it. It was Will lifting his shirt up slightly and putting his middle finger to the camera. It was somewhat un-Will like, but still funny.

I had a feeling that Mark was only going to smile when hell froze over, so we were pretty much back to square one before he even spoke in proper sentences.

"So, what is it? What's the problem?" Mark questioned Will.

Our eyes were on him, and I felt a bit sorry for him because there wasn't really any way we could help him. The proof was what we had just seen. I noticed that Kyle looked a bit guilty, hiding in his moustache. His hands were on his jeans, and he looked as if he had been eating a sour lemon. Woody, however was quite calm, sensible.

"Kyle bought the drinks," Woody said quickly, clearing his throat after.

In response, Kyle was about to protest, until Mark shot him a look which made him stop. _Well, they were acting like kids._

"Will _consumed_ the drinks," Kyle pointed the finger.

All eyes were on Will, though I was pretty sure he didn't have a clue what was going on around him. His eyes were a bit red, not that puffy as they had been when he had come in last night, and he had been yawning an awful lot.

"He needs to a rest a bit, he'll be alright. We'll look after him," Woody convinced.

The familiar sound of Mark sighing filled the room, and we were all on the edges of our seats. The producer's eyes were on me, and I felt the need to sit up straight in my seat as if he was a teacher.

"Pull another stunt like this again, I'm going to get you help," Mark threatened, an evil glint in his eye.

Even the drunk Will seemed a little scared, because his eyes widened and he started poking at his fingernails. ( _I assumed that this kind of event had happened before)._

"Understood," Will mumbled under his breath.

Mark left shortly after. Will, Kyle and Woody had one of those telepathic arguments again and I was left with Daniel. I didn't really mind, since he was great company. Since the others had gone back to their rooms, there was plenty that we could do, though Dan told me that he was going to read a book.

Feeling bored, I went back into my room and was surprised to hear my phone vibrate. Blake and I had exchanged contact details, and he had texted me.

_Hey._

_Hey. I see you're doing your FAQs video live soon or something._

_Yeah, in a day or so. I'd love to have someone there with me._

_I'm pretty sure your girlfriend will cope, right? Who doesn't love a Vlogger?_

_My non existent girlfriend, supposedly - lol. I gotta go, see you later._

Immediately, I felt embarrassed. It I quickly laughed it off, sliding my phone into my pocket.

Later on, I was transferring carrying some of my art materials when I got stopped by a man who I noticed had been eyeing me closely. Anyway, he came up to me and started off by complimenting my artwork, so naturally, I thanked him. The guy was pretty nice, but it was what he said next that threw me a little.

"How much for them?" he wondered, getting his wallet out.

I stood where I was, gobsmacked. In a few seconds, people in the street were going to be staring at us. A bit of anger flooded through my body. _Who was he to compliment me like that and ask such an upfront question?_

"They aren't for a sale," I dismissed, my voice firmed.

The man, who looked like he was in deep thought, was trying to think of a way round my answer. When he thought of one, a slight smirk appeared on his face.

"Then I can get you into that gallery over there," the man proposed.

To his response, I raised an eyebrow. Of course, I'd checked the gallery out, and there were some brilliant works in there. The opening was tomorrow, so there was no way he could get me in there - no matter how important he thought he was.

"There's a price to what you're suggesting, correct?" I figured, and it was best to put it out there so he knew that I wasn't a fool.

"Not really, I'm interested. Everyone needs a stepping stone," he pointed out, and guilt hit me like a car going at a hundred miles per hour.

I nodded, and we sorted out some arrangements, standing there awkwardly in the middle of the street with a couple of canvases and more rubbish. The man told me to be present there, and to make sure I was smartly dressed and had someone to company me.  _I didn't know that. I thought I knew everything to do with the art world, but I was wrong! Who would go with me? I couldn't invite any one of the guys in case they got recognised._

The opening day was tomorrow, and evening was fast approaching. I had ten minutes before I had to leave. My hand was shaking as I picked up the phone and called the only person I could think of. As soon as they picked up the phone, I knew it was a bad idea. However, I was desperate and it could be just that step further of getting my work out there.

"Hey, Mark, I was wondering if you could, uh...join me. I-I mean, accompany me to something," I stammered.

I could just picture his face as he was taking my call. I heard the unfamiliar sound of him chuckling, and my brain was freaking out.

"In fact, I was just on my way...here. Uh, this is...awkward. Sure," Mark replied.

A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door and I was forced to pop my head out from my room and walk out. The guys greeted him, and they were staring at the way I was dressed. It was nothing much, just a mid length black dress and some tiny heels. There was no cardigan making an appearance. I greeted the guys and Mark, acting as if I didn't know that he would arrive and made my way over to the door.

"Where are _you_ going?" Kyle asked, in that nosy voice he did.

The sound of Mark coughing (which was greatly unhelpful because he knew my situation) caused me to turn around and face them.

"Where's the cardigan?" Dan questioned.

I had a feeling that he would notice.

"You're going out at this time, alone?" Woody wondered.

All the questions were frying my brain, so I realised that I would have to come clean to them. Well, kind of, anyway.

"I'm just, you know, going out," I announced, though I felt no need to.

As I thought, they didn't sound too convinced and they all started whispering to each other, then looking back to me. We had to leave soon, and Mark was analysing the situation like a psychologist. He seemed so calm.

"Right, we don't want to be late," Mark urged, and he held his hand out.

I didn't know what to do, but my brain kicked in and I took his hand in mine, and we left the Bastille household, on our way to the event. We got in a taxi, and I awkwardly sat next to Mark, the heat of the vehicle getting to me. I had to wonder why Mark was already smartly dressed in a suit. Plus, he was grinning to himself.

"Oh gosh, you knew. You just knew I would call you," I realised, feeling stupid.

The producer smiled at me and gestured something to the taxi guy. Mark produced about four flasks out of nowhere, and their contents were obvious.

"Perhaps. I'm into shit like that, don't blame me. Here you go," Mark gave me half an answer, causing me to feel a bit annoyed with him.

Yet, I still respected him, somehow. Throughout my time with Bastille, it seemed that he had been the voice of reason. Always.

Without hesitating, I took a flask, taking a little sip. It was as bitter as hell, but in truth, I was terribly nervous about the gallery opening. I'd never presented my work for other people to see. Not to mention how Mark would be joining me.

Half an hour later, we entered the art gallery. Mark was analysing everyone, and he noticed that most women and men that entered together were walking around arm in arm, so we just linked arms. It was weird being so close to him. He seemed to know everyone there, and being in that kind of environment was so weird. It was quite hot in the gallery.

Just going with the currents, I followed Mark. I didn't realise he had some appreciation for art (despite him being a producer) because he commented on a lot of the paintings and photographs. Hell, he even knew some of the photographers. I was very impressed by his knowledge that he'd been keeping secret from me.

The time came when we passed my paintings, all hung up on the wall. They were various collections of a man staring into the darkness of the world. Whenever I put brush to canvas, I always had a theme in mind. The paintings I was working on at the moment weren't on the wall, because they were top secret. It was the project I'd been working on with Blake, and I was hoping to meet up with him soon.

Surprisingly, a few people in the gallery recognised me. (This started when we went down to the V.I.P area, though). They greeted me, and I had that awkward moment where I forgot how to shake another person's hand for a second. It was a middle aged couple, dressed very formally who were interested.

There was a little room, where I guessed the auctioning happened. It was pretty cold, and I was shivering when we got sat down. Mark's eyes glanced over to me. Politely, he took off his blazer and flung it around my shoulders. Quietly, I thanked him as we tried not to look at each other as we watched the night's events unfold. There was a woman standing at the front of the stage with a microphone and lipstick brighter than my future. _Her accent was so annoying!_

"There's a special theme in here tonight, as you know," she announced.

Soon enough, the auction got to the point where my three paintings were up for sale, and a couple of people, all men were interested in buying it. I was quite pleased. The guy who had taken an interest earlier often piped up, challenging others until it seemed like he was going to buy the whole lot.

Until the man sitting to my left stood up.

Confidently, Mark adjusted his tie and bid for my painting. Obviously, the other guy didn't take it too well, and they went head to head for just under a minute. He looked so heroic, choosing not to back down. _It was so weird, though. Why was he buying them?_

In the end, Mark won the fight and he left me for a second to go and give the important looking people details of where to send my artwork. To think that it would be hanging up in his home like that. I couldn't even look at him when he got back to his seat, which was next to mine. Gently, he nudged me and told me to look at the leaflet we had been given on our way in. Feeling confused, I took the time to look at the front, and my eyes widened. _The theme was whoever bought the painting spent the rest of the evening with the painter._

"That guy, got to give it to him. It was a good plan. In theory, anyway," Mark complimented him, and something got set alight inside me.

So that guy that had helped me get into the gallery, it had all been because of that? I instantly felt a bit let down and used. Honestly, I thought he really liked my works, the strokes I had made with my brush, my feelings and thoughts hitting the canvas. Mark saw that I was a bit down, and was hesitant to touch me, but he put his arm around me, pulling me closer to his side.

"Hey. Don't be upset. At least you get to spend the rest of your night with me," he mentioned.

I looked at him for a second, and I couldn't stop laughing. My sides were about to explode, and people were staring. Quickly, I had to compose myself. _I was in a public setting. The auction was almost over._

"Well, I am a bit hungry," I let him know.

Mark smiled at me, and the auction ended shortly after. We left to a restaurant to go and get something to eat. It was nothing fancy, and I wasn't expecting anything fancy. Mark and I were both happy with a pub-style dinner, and I was quite pleased by the time we had finished and how much alcohol we had consumed. It was strange, because Mark was still the same person. So calm, so focused. We were still in the restaurant, just talking, and he didn't seem as scary.

"I see that your works, they don't have names. What were you thinking of calling them? Was there a reason for that?" Mark quizzed me, and I giggled a little.

Twirling my hair around my finger, I started to feel nervous, not to mention a little tipsy. It was always awkward, questions about my artwork. However, it was a normal question and I had to answer it in a professional way. Mark and I were not at a restaurant - not at all.

Either that, or I was just pretty damn delusional.

"I-I'm not sure of a name yet, but I just thought of...a guy, staring into the world beyond him. He's in various scenes, he looks lost...he's troubled, he doesn't know what it holds...for him," I explained, stopping to catch my breath in between because I knew I'd gone over my limit with the booze.

He seemed pretty impressed with my answer and downed another glass of wine. My heart was beating like a drum because it was getting rather late, and I had a feeling that the staff were going to kick us out. It was most likely, unless Mark gave them that judging, horrible death stare.

"That sounds pretty good, I like your thought process, Alayna."

Feeling all flustered, I smiled at him and tucked into one of my cold chips, and he laughed at me. I nodded, making a straight face.

"I mean, I like your brain...too, Mark. I'm not sure...why you'd want to spend a whole night with mine, though."

"I think you should call it Wild World. You know, like the guys' album."

I blinked, not connecting what I had said when I came out of that hotel fire. _That was why they all looked at me, because it sounded familiar._ The story of a lost guy in a wild world, it all fitted perfectly.

"Yeah. I like that. Thanks, Mark."

Sometime later, he escorted me back to the house, and I was so drunk I could barely walk, so there was a lot of walking into each other and me missing the pavement and stepping on Mark's foot. A couple of times, he muttered something under his breath, but I didn't hear.

I crashed onto the sofa as soon as I got inside the house, glad to be back with the guys. They heard and emerged from their rooms, talking to Mark who stayed for exactly five minutes. At least I had a big fat cheque, though.

The next morning, I awoke, and oddly enough, Woody was sitting on the sofa, watching TV when he saw me. We greeted each other, and I sat down beside him. I noticed that he seemed a little on edge. His eyes were going all around the room. Seeing as we'd known each other for a few months, I thought it was only sensible to shuffle a little closer to him, and as I got more tired, I rested my head on his shoulder. I couldn't do that kind of thing with Dan or Will because they'd freak out.

Anyway, the thing about Woody's shoulder was that it was always really soft, because he very rarely showed his arms. We all knew that he secretly worked out or something, because sleeves always clung to him perfectly. In fact, I was a bit envious. There I was, resting my head on his hoodie, and I could feel him getting all nervous. _It was really amusing, actually._

"Woody cuddle," I urged.

Before I even knew what I was doing, I wrapped my other arm around him. Looking back, I must have been going through a really bad hangover. When I saw that Woody was reluctant to do so, I just looked at him with wide eyes. Eventually, he gave in, rolling his eyes and putting an arm around me.

Ah, if only every day with the guys could be like that. How could I pin everything on them? It was normal for friends to argue, whether I was with them or not.


	12. No Glory In That

Later on in the week, I met up with Blake and we took some more pictures. I had to admit, it was quite fun hanging out with him. Whenever anything came out of his mouth, it always meant something. It always gave me a different perspective to what I was taking a picture of. It always gave me an alternate view, what he was taking in, and most of all, what he was thinking.

The weirdest thing happened when I got home. I was in bed, reading a book when Dan came into my room. He would usually come inside, unannounced and sit near the window, like he had been deprived of light his whole life or something since I always had the room with the best light (for some reason) - it was just what he did. However, this time, he stood up, poking at his fingers and blushing.

"You and Woody had a cuddle," he said, his voice sounding similar to a little boy's, and it was rather cute.

I put my hands over my face, sighing deeply. I couldn't believe that Mark had let me get that drunk that night.

"Oh yeah. I wasn't sober," I laughed it off, hoping he would too.

I couldn't help it if they all thought of me as their little sister or something. (They didn't like to admit it, but they all did). The issue wasn't resolved, because Daniel was still in my room. I smiled at him, telling him that it was okay if he wanted to sit by me.

Two minutes later, Daniel was sat with his legs around me, and although the position was comfortable, my face and chest were burning. He was a lot taller than me, too, so sitting down, my head came up to his bottom lip. I could feel the warmth of his lips coming through my hair, and it put me on edge.

"We're worried about you. You've been disappearing these last few weeks," he expressed.

"Sorry. I'm working," I responded, not wanting to tell him the whole truth.

Dan nodded, playing with my hands and tracing my nails with his warm fingers. He was so gentle doing so, it made me smile.

"I heard you and Mark had fun. I'm glad."

"We can have fun too."

Suddenly, Dan perked up a little and he seemed a little happier than he had been before. I pointed at the little TV in my room, but Dan didn't seem too fazed.

"So..what do you do? You know...um, do you enjoy your job?" Dan wondered.

I knew he was just curious, so I figured that it was best to answer him. Inside my brain, I made up a suitable answer.

"Yeah, I do. A lot, actually. It's really, _me_ ," I replied with a grin.

Once I heard Dan yawn, I giggled because I could feel him getting a little bored. I went to get up and go out of my room, escaping from his arms, but he held me tightly to his torso. Not being able to see has face only made it worse. Dan was so warm, so raw, so real.

"Dan?"

It wasn't that I didn't _mind..._

"Hey. Woody got a cuddle for hours."

Seeing as his argument was reasonable, I said nothing and we must have stayed in that position for about half an hour. For some reason, it wasn't too awkward at all. I mean, his soft, gentle lips were pressed against my head and I was...liking it. I wasn't sure what was going on inside my brain. I liked the whole intimacy of it all, I didn't get that with Logan. So I enjoyed every minute of it, even though I couldn't see his face.

When I got back into the living room, there was a little chess board set up with a proper table and everything. To my surprise, Woody and Will were playing what looked like a rather intense game. The moment I went over to them, they finished their game. I peeked back inside my room, and Dan was fast asleep, his pale face with his eyes closed and his dark hair reaching out in all directions.

Kyle requested to play a game with me, and he did (along with two bags of crisps, three chocolate bars and one pack of Haribos to which I probably guessed were for himself) so we sat down and got the board all set up. I was the black pieces, he was white. I knew how to play, although I was a bit rusty. I thought it was cool how he always looked deep in concentration. Of course, I wanted to spend more time with all of them, because I found them interesting.

"Dan, is he...okay?"

I blinked, looking at Kyle. Everyone seemed to have a bad habit of asking me the question, but I could see the concern, and all. They were his friends, and he had collapsed at a show, not to mention turning up drunk. Anxiously, I bit my lip.

"It's just that, he's been sleeping a lot lately."

He made a decent point, though I had to wonder why that was considered as something big to worry about.

"If you know something we don't, Alayna..."

Suddenly, I remembered that talk I had with Dan in the hotel room. He wanted to get away from everything, and he forgot all the things that were happening around him while he was singing.

To protect him, in a way, I shook my head and managed to convince Kyle I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.

The following day, the first thing I saw when I opened up my laptop was a picture of Dan's face. It was an article about him speaking out about something, and my laptop crashed for about five minutes and I felt really anxious. When I managed to get the page back, I looked, I searched high and low for it. I was convinced that I lost it, but then, somehow - it found its way back to me. The article was Daniel Smith from Bastille speaking out about his anxiety.

Thoughts were bashing off each other inside my brain. _Why wouldn't he tell me something as important like that? Why would he keep that from me, from the guys? Did he not value our friendship?_

Dan and the guys came back after an interview, which I guessed was about his anxiety. I wanted to question him, but he saw the look on my face, and the guys did as well. They gave us a bit of space, and Kyle gave me a sympathetic squeeze on the arm.

"Don't look at me like that, Alayna. Please," he whispered weakly, his voice somewhat hoarse.

Well, interviews consisted of a lot of words and talking and all that, but that didn't explain how pale he was.

"All...all those times we talked. That's why...Dan," I said slowly to myself.

It all made _sense_ now. However, by the time I had realised, an angry expression was formed on Dan's face, and he suddenly looked annoyed. I mean, I'd seen him be a bit of a dick but never angry.

"You think you're perfect, don't you?" Dan figured.

I stood where I was, a weird emotion washing over my body. For the first time in years, I was on the spot, but this time, in front of the lead singer of Bastille. The anger was clear all over his face. What could I possibly say to make it all better?

_Hell, I was angry too!_

"Dan. I don't...think that, not...at all," I managed, barely standing firm.

My heart was on fire when Dan took a few steps toward me. I started feeling on edge to what he was going to say, because whenever that happened in the movies, it always meant that the argument would somehow get worse.

"And where are your fucking demons anyway, huh?" Dan hissed at me.

I didn't really know how to answer his question. A few seconds later, when I saw that he was in need of one, I had to answer him, at least.

"Why are you picking a fight with me, lashing out at me?" I asked, my eyes starting to sting a bit from all the heat in the room.

"Anxiety - there's no glory in telling you that," Dan mumbled.

I smiled at him and started laughing, and he seemed confused. I knew what I was doing, so I went into my room and packed a little bag, making my way to the front door when Will came out, in shock.

"That's it, go," Dan urged.

I looked at him in utter disbelief of the person who I was seeing. Just the other day, we were sitting in my room like normal. I barely recognised him, standing there, a man angry at the world around him.

"I don't like who I'm seeing lately. This isn't you," I admitted, honestly.

Reaching out, I got a hold of the door, looking back at Will before leaving shortly. I realised that I had nowhere to go, so I stood outside, getting my phone out, hoping to sort something with someone. I couldn't be in the same house with that man. Instantly, Will came rushing outside.

"I-I heard. C-Come on, come back inside. A-Alayna, be reasonable," he stammered.

Even Will was fucking nervous. I couldn't stop the tears falling down my face. I hadn't cried in a while, and it was pathetic, but I was really upset. Will saw this, and pulled me closer to him.

"He doesn't mean it, you know that."

Looking up at him, I began to question something.

"Are you sure about that?"

Will tried to formulate and answer, but couldn't. As a result, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, squeezing me in his arms. Then, he let me go. There was no point in blaming him, he'd tried his best.

An hour later, I found myself in Mark's flat. I knew he had offered, but stepping foot inside it felt kind of taboo, like we were having an affair with our partners or something. I didn't want to cross the line of entering the producer's house, so Mark practically pulled me inside instead. His flat was quite nice, though I figured he had loads scattered around the country.

To cheer me up, he gave me a bit of wine, but when I saw him pull his phone out, I realised he had made a mistake. I wasn't _that_ drunk to not realise what he was doing. He saw that I was watching him and smirked at me. _Nope. I didn't like that, at all. He was being sneaky with me for some reason._

Ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door that I had to answer. To my surprise, it was Dan. We went outside for a bit of privacy, as I just knew that Mark would be listening.

"Dan, if you've come here to point the finger..."

"Just...just wait a minute, Alayna."

He took a deep breath.

"Home. Um, I want you back home. Cuddles would...be nice."

I suddenly felt my face get all hot. No more words were exchanged between us as he gave me a distant look and walked away. Looking back on the whole scene, I knew I should have said something to make him feel better, to make _us_ feel better.

Quietly, I went back inside Mark's flat, only to see him holding another bottle of red and grinning at me. _Oh, fuck it, he knew._ We chilled out in his room for a bit, and I remembered shuffling a little closer to him and staring at him with wide eyes. After that, I couldn't really recall anything else before falling asleep.

I'd told him not to, but I discovered Mark asleep at the kitchen table. When he woke up, I sat opposite him with two cups of coffee. Mark then did something I didn't expect him to do. He looked at me and blushed, quickly avoiding my gaze. Nervously, I started biting at my nails. _Why was he being funny with me?_

"Mark."

There was a pause.

"Um, it's okay."

Then I brought in my stare.

"OK, you kissed me last night."

I didn't believe him at first, and then I remembered. _Oh my gosh, I had crossed a line! I'd kissed the producer._ I remembered shuffling up to him, despite him saying that he was going to shower before going to bed. _Why did I do that?_

"You thought kept on calling me Dezzy, which was weird. You thought I was someone else, right?" Mark explained.

I nodded. I wasn't willing to tell him who Dezzy was, and he saw that, so he didn't question me further. _I couldn't believe I'd kissed him last night!_ My face clearly showed my embarrassment, and I just wanted to sink, disappearing into the ground somehow.

"If Dan finds out, he will kill me. He'll cut off my hair. Stare me down. Possess me," I explained, which only made Mark laugh.

Then, he gave me a straight, grim look.

"He won't."

With Mark Crew, I was never quite sure what that meant. That look he always gave people. _It was better if Dan didn't find out._

But keeping another secret from him, there was no glory in that.


	13. The "Mark" On My Back

Well, two days later, I was back in the Bastille household. The guys were happy to see me, but Dan was silent. I went up to him. I hugged him, and he returned it. Though I'd been thinking about what to say, I had no idea what could get us back to normal.

"Can I talk to you?" I asked him, my knees shaking a bit.

"Sure, sure," he whispered back.

So we went into my bedroom to talk about our little argument. When I mentioned it being little, all I was doing was sugar-coating it. What happened was just us sitting on my bed, staring at each other like a couple of bored kids. We both apologised, but were both lacking energy. Seconds later, I thought of something suitable to say.

"You wanted cuddles?" I figured.

The mentioning of cuddling provoked a reaction that I had not been expecting from a previously angry Dan. His face went red, and he started looking at everything around the room except my eyes. Shyly, he nodded, playing with his fingers. _Who knew Daniel Smith was so adorable?_

"Well, we can make time for that," I let him know, with a smile on my face.

I made my way over to the TV, scrolling through some of the movies I'd put on my planner. At random, I decided to select one and we sat down and started watching it. It was a cliché Christmas movie, though it was enough to brighten up our spirits, and certainly enough to make Daniel laugh. During the movie, we weren't exactly cuddling, but my head was on his shoulder, and I was snuggling into his arm.

After a bit of time passed, we finished the movie, and Dan seemed pretty happy, so he went to go and have a nap or something. I came out of my room, getting hit by a blast of sunlight coming from the window in the living room.

Woody and I had a chess game soon after that. I noticed he seemed a little distracted. I wanted to ask, I really did, though I wasn't sure. Will came to sit by us. He was a fan of watching chess games.

About a quarter way through the game, Woody moved a pawn and looked at me. He was looking at me like he was questioning something.

"When you left, where did you stay?" Woody asked me.

I had to clear my throat, and this only made me look more suspicious because Will was eyeing me too. Eyeing me like I had done something wrong. Even Will looked interested, though he was suffering from a headache.

"You must have stayed somewhere," Woody added.

Will gestured for me to make a move. Moving my hand, I moved one of my pawns, but Woody quickly swooped in and took my piece. _Distracted, I shouldn't have moved that damn piece to that damn space._

"Well, I stayed at a friend's house," I replied, and it was most of the truth anyway.

It wasn't like I was lying, but the two of them were looking at me as if they knew I had spent the night at Mark's house. Why was he interrogating me, anyway?

"You don't contact anyone in case they would want to meet you here," Woody pointed out, and he was right.

I gulped, moving another piece. The same thing happened, and he took it for his own by using his knight. _So much for my protective barrier strategy._ I was practically sinking and I couldn't see very many ways out of my current situation.

"So it would have to be someone we know."

Seeing as I was forced to, I told him that he was being silly, and we continued to play (along with the excessive staring) for about a minute and a half before he opened his mouth again. I had to stop him from saying anything more.

"OK, so I stayed at Mark's," I confessed, feeling completely pressured into doing so.

Will sighed, and Woody seemed a little relieved, though he raised an eyebrow. I was desperate to push it back down and into his forehead.

"It was nice of him to offer, except that he's staying nearby, right?" Woody gossiped.

 _Ah. They knew. They knew something was up._ We had known each other for almost six months. They knew.

"Alayna. It's not any of my business who you sleep with, but if it is Mark, it would be hella awkward."

I had to wonder at that moment whether it would be a better idea to let them think that I did. However, if Dan find out the false truth, it would only make our relationship worse, and I didn't want that. Then, Will and Woody both started keeling over with laughter. _I was so relieved that they were both kidding. Plus, they knew that he wouldn't take advantage of me like that._

The guilt was eating me up so much that I decided to tell Dan an hour later. He honestly just laughed it off, and told me that Mark had already told him. I felt relieved, but I made note to kill Mark later.

A day or so later, I had finally completed my _Lost in a Wild World project._ I was pretty pleased with it, and I sent Mark a picture and he was pretty impressed. I got a call from someone (who I later found out was a local celebrity) about my paintings he'd supposedly heard about.

We met at his extremely large house. Seriously, there were servants and everything. I was concerned about sitting on the posh sofas in case I got them dirty. The guy was the typical rich guy, almost hitting his thirties. He wasn't really anything special in my eyes, but he thought I was something special because a lot of people from his social circle had been talking about my painting that a Mr Crew had bought. I took the first price he offered me for the whole set. It was so high, I couldn't haggle. We sorted out the arrangements, and I was just about to leave when I heard him clear his throat.

"My father, he's a fan. Perhaps you could do some paintings of things around the house?"

I nodded, we made more arrangements.

When I got back home, I regretted going out. WW3 was about to break out. Dan and Kyle stood on one side, while Woody and Will stood to another side. A familiar looking girl with blonde hair was standing in the doorway to the kitchen. _Wait a minute, that was Charlotte, their childhood friend._ My mouth formed a disapproving "O".

"Now you know, we said no girls," Kyle reminded Will.

Will stood firm. He wasn't backing down, and Woody was standing by his side. They always had a rule about bringing girls back.

"He's right. You're lucky it's Charlotte, what if it had been another girl and she spilled her location. God knows," Dan agreed with Kyle, backing him up.

"Come on, he's allowed to have a little fun, right?" Woody pointed out.

Will's face went weird for a second, because he started sniffing and looking around the room. He looked at Woody accusingly.

"You're acting like I did stuff with her. I didn't," Will denied.

"Yeah, but _Alayna_ is standing over there," Charlotte beamed.

I felt my face turn hot. Who did she think she was, just drawing attention to me like that? Honestly, the girl was bound to have some sort of problem with me or something, not that I was being paranoid.

Woody began to argue, "Yeah, but-"

The guys had their telepathic conversations before coming up with a suitable argument. An argument that, quite frankly, I feared.

"She's Mark's girlfriend," Will said quickly.

Dan's facial muscles did not move at all. Charlotte seemed to understand, she left shortly afterwards and the argument was forgotten. Angrily, I went over to Will.

"Getting me involved in your little disagreement? How could you?" I snapped at him.

He chuckled, and then he opened his eyes.

"It's not like you're seeing anyone anyway," Will assumed.

Obviously, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that Dan and I had something going on, but I couldn't because he was giving me that look.

The following day, I was really annoyed because Charlotte decided to tag along to the studio practise. Obviously, Mark was there, and I had to explain the whole situation to him. He blushed, which was very un-Mark-like. Why was I even going along with it anyway?

Everything that happened to me in my life somehow had Mark involved in it, and it was slowly starting to bug me. Hey, I didn't hate the guy - he'd even seen me in my pyjamas. It just felt like I had a Mark on my back. Every time Charlotte was looking over, we had to hold hands, or do something that showed signs of attraction.

Again, the guys were paranoid (one name comes to mind) and they didn't want Charlotte getting suspicious or anything. _I was already involved in the media, she could say anything about me if she wanted to._ Unfortunately, she wanted us all to have dinner and she chose to sit next to Woody. She'd always had a crush on him, you could tell whenever she paid a visit.

"So, how long have you to been together?" Charlotte wondered.

I was spacing out, and I got a kick from Dan, causing me to snap into the real world, even in the dim lights of the private restaurant we were in.

"Uh, about six months," I answered, not sounding too convincing but she bought it anyway.

It was a good reason why I was living amongst the band anyway, because it made sense.

"Have you two had a fight or something?" Charlotte wondered.

"Uh, no."

"Then why are you sitting so far away from each other?"

Reluctantly, I moved closer to Mark, and he put his arm around me. _We needed to look more believable._ Slowly, Mark leaned in and kissed the side of my forehead and Charlotte seemed pleased.

"You two are so cute together!"

It took most of my strength not to roll my eyes at her. I had gotten stuck in a whirlwind by the name of Bastille. I was scared that Mark might have had to kiss me again. We spent the rest of the evening telling lies and awkwardly squeezing hands and tapping feet.

The guys had a show coming next week, and I heard myths about the tour bus. When we got inside, it was a lot more spacious than I thought it would be. There were sofas, tables and chairs, even cushions. Hell, there was even an upstairs. We all played a few drinking games on the way there. Mark travelled with us, and luckily, Charlotte couldn't make it.

Not that it was of any importance, but I noticed how Will kept on complaining that he was hot, and that very night, he fell asleep before everyone else, complaining of unexplained headaches.

 


	14. Some Bad Blood Here

As well as working for that guy in his mansion, I took on another job nearer to the house. I just talked with the guy on social media, but when I met him at his house, I was surprised at the face that greeted me when I opened the door.

My legs turning to jelly, I turned around, running as fast as I could, back to the guys, back to a sense of normality. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I didn't even answer the questions as I flung the door open, closing it and locking it behind me. I was breathing heavily, and I found a sense of peace until there was a knock on the door.

Nevertheless, Dan answered it, looking at me funny. He let him outside, and there he stood. An-ex boyfriend of mine, as cliché as it sounded.

"There was no need to run away from me, was there?"

Nervously, I bit my lip. I didn't want anyone to know about my past.

"Yes. I'm sorry."

Desmond tried to advance further, but Dan blocked his way, standing firm. They were looking at each other in a similar way. I couldn't explain it.

I don't know what happened to me, but I just wanted me and Desmond to talk. Dan stepped back, watching closely. It wasn't private enough, so we went into my room.

"I'm not accusing you of anything, but us...meeting like this, it makes it seem as if you planned it," I said, pointing slowly that he would understand.

Desmond simply shook his head. _Of course, he was delusional._

"Think of it as fate," he replied.

Nobody had known the reason why we had broken up. _Nobody could help me._ When he was getting close to me and making those hand gestures he did, my eyes imagined the situation as a lot bigger than it was, and I ended up punching him.

Five minutes later we were all sitting in the living room in a circle, Woody with his arm defensively around me. He was really angry now. Desmond was sitting on the sofa with Will tending to his bleeding nose.

"It's not like I've come here to bother you. I should be charging you with assault."

The opinions in the room were heavily divided, and I was worried. Dan scoffed, Kyle said nothing, Woody was fuming and Will seemed sympathetic.

"You followed me here, you absolute prick."

"I was _forced_ to follow you here."

We were bickering like two little kids, when in reality; we had a lot of history. Too much. I remembered the arguments, the false accusations and how it all ended. Desmond and I only brought out the worst in each other.

"Where's your sister? I'll call her, Leigh will sort you out," he threatened.

I knew that they got on really well and my heart started pounding. I reached across the table and snatched his phone from his hands. The guys seemed shocked at my actions, but by being around the piece of trash, it was normal.

"I know the kind of girl you used to be."

The guys were just watching now, not even interested in protecting me as the wanted to find out more.

"You got clean now. You're well boring and shit."

Again, the mental aspect of it all. Desmond running his mouth off and going too far, getting too many people on his side. He was dangerous, too clever. All I could do was sit there.

"Clean? I didn't have a problem," I snapped back.

"Can I just cut in?" Kyle said.

We both nodded. Kyle looked at me and mouthed an apology before saying what he was about to say.

"We, uh...we know him. Kinda," Kyle admitted.

My body froze at that moment, and I said nothing. I got up, got myself a big bottle of wine and started heading outside.

"I told you!" Desmond shouted.

"Go to hell," I yelled back, taking a giant swig from the bottle.

At the studio the following day I discovered that Desmond was literally their backup everything. Backup player, backup singer. I was so annoyed, because he expressed his passion for music so beautifully at the same time.

Inside the studio, I made a deal with Mark: to get Desmond to get off my back and leave me alone. On a break, Mark took me aside.

"Look, if he's...done something to you, said something, please let me know," Mark urged.

I felt a little blush coming up on my face as a result of Mark's kindness. Desmond bumped into us in the hallway and did that classic dickhead smile that he always did. I hadn't seen it in three years.

"Mark. Surely you two aren't shacking up together."

There was a silence that passed. Desmond reached out to touch me, I slapped his hand away and the sound echoed throughout the studio.

"I'd prefer it if you didn't touch me," I expressed with pure disgust.

He looked at me, a grin forming on his face.

"Sure about that?" he wondered.

 _Ew, what planet was he on? It was like we were in secondary school or something._ He bent down to whisper something into my ear.

"I'm not giving up until you're back in my arms, and back in my bed," Desmond whispered, feeling the need to make himself clear.

 _Ugh, he was such a fucking pig!_ I pushed him away from me and was about to push past Mark, until he stopped me.

"He's a common friend, we need to sort this out," Mark pointed out.

"It's settled then," Desmond smiled at me, comfortably wrapping his hand around my waist.

I felt something strange in that moment, because we always had that connection. That intimate connection. We went back into the studio, where the guys all had a common interest in something. They were looking at pictures on Desmond's phone, and there was one of a necklace with a ring attached. My eyes widened.

Desmond stood by my side and he produced the same necklace that was in the photo from his pocket and into his hands. I closed my eyes for a moment, hoping that the nightmare would end. _The bastard._ The ring was shining in the sun coming from the studio.

"Remember this?"

I gave him the dirtiest look I could produce. _I had to listen to Mark. They were all friends, something had to be done to resolve the situation._

One, two three, I took a deep breath and left the studio. Instead of going back to the house, I took a detour into town and had something to eat at a pub to calm myself down.

Dan called me, and he convinced me to tell me where I had disappeared to. He came quickly after, and to my dismay, he appeared with the others, who didn't look too happy. I made it clear I wanted no questions by the look on my face. _Just didn't want them to know._

"We used to be together. He proposed. I just couldn't deal with him anymore. With anything. I moved, and I was _sure_ I'd gotten rid of him," I explained.

"It wasn't just a bad break up though, was it?" Woody figured.

I felt a brain cell pop when he had figured it out. Well, it was obvious from the way I was acting. _I was being all secretive, but I had to when it came to that selfish, stupid pig that somehow I had fallen in love with._

"What aren't you telling us?" Kyle said.

I said nothing for a while, I took another sip from my massive beer and ran my fingers through my hair. Kyle was sitting opposite me, his beard looking darker than usual and he was holding his hands in that thinking position.

"Told my sister I was on drugs. I wasn't. Tried to stir shit all the time. Tried to convince my family that I was depressed..." I trailed off, because there were more examples.

I noticed that Will looked uncomfortable, though I imagined things on a daily basis, so I put it to the back of my mind. I felt Woody place a hand on my leg, and I smiled at him. They were all so sweet, but if they were friends with my ex, then I didn't want to harm their relationship with him. Desmond was their backup man.

"He said you ran away from him. Why?" Will had to ask, and I should have thought about how to answer the question before.

I took a deep breath and was about to reach for my beer. Woody beat me to it, claiming it for himself and raising his eyebrows at me. _Answer and get alcohol. OK, if they wanted to play at that game, then..._

"I've told you all that I can," I lied.

My lie was blatant, and they knew that. Bastille consisted of men in their late twenties to early thirties, they weren't stupid. Surprisingly, they left it at that, and Dan went to go and get some more beers.

The night of Bastille's concert came by quickly, and I was dreading it. I did everything I could to get rid of it in fear that Isaac would be hanging around like a bad smell. I sucked it up. _There wasn't much I could do._ I stayed backstage the whole concert. That time, I was just wearing a Bastille top I'd pinched from Dan's room, a skirt and Mark's jacket. There I was, sitting backstage, all by myself, listening to Bastille's lyrics. _Fuck._

_I can see a change,_

_I can see a change in you_

_I barely recognise your face_

_And I don't like what I'm seeing lately_

_I don't like who I'm seeing lately_

In fact, I got a bit annoyed because the song related very much so to me and Isaac. It was so relevant that I had to get out of the seat I'd been sat in for almost two hours and walk around aimlessly.

Minutes later, Desmond entered the room with what I guessed was a cup of coffee. As predicted, he looked at me and grinned. Like the guys, he was just wearing a black shirt and a pair of jeans. I acted as if he wasn't in the room because it was only sensible to do so. He strolled over to me, and I could feel him looking at me. _Don't rise to it. Don't. Just let him show himself up._

"Alayna," he said softly, and despite all that had happened between us, his tone warmed through me, and I could still feel it seconds after.

My breath got shaky all of a sudden. _I couldn't let him get any closer to me, I couldn't let him have any kind of affect on me._ Even the angelic sound of Dan's blaring voice didn't soothe me. I was standing where I had been months before, working in that damned clothing store with that stupid closed up nose piercing and that horrible uniform.

I made one mistake, and it was looking into his eyes. Desmond was how I had remembered him. Tall, his brown eyes always analysing everything and his pale skin almost always getting burnt in the sunlight, yet he complained about covering up. At that moment, I was absorbed in his gaze, despite my mind going: _hey, Alayna, there's some bad blood here!_

"Could we put...some things behind us?" Desmond asked, his face forming a sympathetic sad look.

Taking a deep breath, I managed to steady myself and bring myself to terms with the current situation and the consequences of talking to him. _For the sake of Bastille. For keeping their friendship intact._

"Yes. That's fine," I replied, almost robotically, but that seemed to please him enough.

All of a sudden, I started getting this bad feeling. Quickly, I turned around fully to face him. He took a sip from his coffee before placing it on the side. Next, all of his attention was on me. Advancing toward me, staring me down. _Oh, my heart was racing. I couldn't move._ There was something between us, I couldn't explain it, no matter what I did, it was almost impossible to ignore it.

Just when I thought my bad feeling would come true, Mark walked in. At first, he gave me a funny look (to which I didn't mind at that moment) and then he walked over to me, smiling for some reason. He reached out, pinching my shoulder.

"I thought I was missing something."

Mark gestured for me to hand it over, although I complained through our basic telepathy, and then he raised his eyebrows. _Well, it was pretty damn cold outside._ I gave in and chuckled, taking it off and giving it to him. Before leaving, Mark looked at us both.

"See you guys later. Des, Alayna."

His awkward goodbye was still ringing in my ears, and I was left alone with my ex fiancé. My heart was still racing.

_How could I control my feelings, how could I make sense of them? What the hell was going on with me?_


	15. Having to Fake it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I get any terminology wrong.  
> Enjoy.

When we got back at about two in the morning after the concert, Woody pulled me aside. He was the only one who was almost one hundred percent sober, which was unusual, but hey, I just went with the currents. Woody was wearing an even thicker hoodie than usual, and for the first time ever, we were talking in my room.

"Mark said he saw you and Des last night. Said you looked pretty cosy."

Instantly, my face felt like it was on fire. I couldn't blame Mark, because he was worried about me. Plus, I hadn't told him not to tell anyone.

"Oh, we were just talking."

Woody's facial expression changed, and it looked a little sad. I knew he was on my side from the start, and I appreciated that. I was starting to make real friends. _Well, until my ex fiancé got in the way, that is._

"It's okay if you still have feelings for him. It's not unusual," Woody assured me, shuffling closer to me and giving me a big hug.

I returned the hug, feeling him hug me in his arms. I whispered a thank you to him and we separated from each other. Since I was feeling a bit better after talking to Woody, I managed to sleep easy. Even if I hated Desmond, I had to fake it. We had to.

Conveniently, Desmond decided to stop by the house when everyone was out except me. I was getting up to some painting when he rung the doorbell. Without looking was my second mistake in under twenty four hours. The first was staring into his eyes properly during the concert. A third mistake, and he could have me. Just like that. I decided to act appropriately.

"Would you like anything to drink?" I asked him, hoping that he would say yes so that I could go and disappear into the kitchen for at least five minutes.

However, he read my mind and he shook his head. We were left awkwardly staring at each other. Again, there was something in the air that I couldn't describe. _What was the word for it? There had to be one._ It was thick, it was making my heart race. _Come on Alayna. You passed your GSCES, you can fake it._

"Where is everyone?" Desmond asked, and it was a reasonable question so I got ready to answer it.

"I guess they're just enjoying their free time. There's another concert in two days," I replied, pretending to mess about with some mess on the table to make it look like I was busy.

Yet again, he read my mind and watched me. He was making me nervous, so I weakly smiled at him and put the papers to the side.

"I should probably go get some more food," I pointed out, seeing the distant door in my sights.

I knew that it was metres away, but if I made what I was saying look more realistic, there could be a chance that Desmond would lose interest and leave. Wait. _Unless he followed me, which would be something he would do._ I mean, to everyone else he was just a normal twenty nine year old guy, but really, he was a demon.

"They'll be fine. Stay here."

His words went right through me, and it wasn't like they were forceful or anything, it just had be standing right there on the spot. Frozen to my core. I watched him move a little closer to me, and I could see he was going to put his hands on me, so I got hold of them, my breath shaking, my feet balance getting all unsteady. Feeling his hot breath on me, he was standing so close, yet he had so much of an affect on me. There I was, standing there, my breath getting all shaky and my hands on his.

Desmond was edging his hands to my waist, and I guided them to it. I didn't know what came over me, because fuck, it was so weird. That was my third mistake, but by then, I was done for. His hands were on my waist, and I could feel the heat coming through my denim skirt.

"Alayna. Look at me."

Hesitantly, I slowly raised my head to look at that ex of mine. It frustrated me that he still had those quick-thinking brown eyes like the day we had first met.

"Yes?"

I didn't even know why I said that, because from the look in his eyes, I knew what he was thinking. That look said everything. Lust. Whenever he did that, it was dangerous - more dangerous than anyone could imagine. He guided our way over to the wall, my heart was thumping.

"Desmond..."

A smirk appeared on his face.

"Don't worry."

Still, I had to. My legs turned to jelly just before he smiled at me and forcefully pressed my back against the wall. I looked at him, my eyes wide. I did nothing as he made slow eye contact with me, moving his hands up from my waist, feeling my sides and my torso slowly. I closed my eyes, waiting for it to end, waiting for his fingers to suddenly get cold and for my body to stop sending shockwaves to my chest. _There was no way in hell I could still be attracted to him._

However, I knew Desmond. He liked to test me.

"You're not saying anything," he pointed out.

I couldn't blame him. That was his way of saying that he could do whatever he wanted to me since I wasn't objecting, except that I was - half of my brain was, anyway. I kept getting flashbacks of when we were together.

"Nothing needs to be said," I admitted.

Nevertheless, Desmond carried on for another minute or so before pulling me to the side, as if he was showcasing me to the front door. _Wait a minute-_

Three seconds later, as if on cue, the front door was open. _Oh, so that was what he had been planning._ I gave him that I-know-your-games look before smiling at the guys and disappearing back into my room.

Shortly after Desmond left, the group called for a little intervention whilst I was in the middle of painting. Regardless, I got up and sat on the sofa in the living room. The guys were scattered around the living room, yet each one of their faces were pretty straight. I had a feeling it was about Desmond.

Will was the first to say something. For the concert, I noticed he wasn't wearing a jacket. He'd been constantly getting hot and making paper fans and carrying them everywhere, though they didn't do much to help his recent sweating problem.

"Are you sleeping with Des?"

Kyle cleared his throat and nudged Will hard, implying that it wasn't the right question to ask. _Then again, I didn't set a limit on the number of questions they could ask me. I should have done that._ When I was too shocked to answer, all the guys huddled together in the middle of the room and had one of their whispering debates, then they turned back to me.

"I'm not sleeping with that abusive piece of shit," I protested, grabbing a coat and heading to the front door.

Honestly, I just couldn't take it anymore. I heard there were some cliffs nearby, and I'd been meaning to check them out, so I made the journey there by bus. It was two in the afternoon and it may have been autmn, but it was okay for me. The view was amazing, wide, showing me the wild world that stood before us. I took a deep breath, stretching my arms. _It would be a good opportunity to take pictures, too._

I got flashbacks from the day Desmond and I had split up. We were pretty angry at each other, and it was about three years ago. Seeing him now just made it seem like it was a week ago. One day, I snapped, I just got sick of him, his games, his manipulating me and other people around him all the time. It was when he had found out that I was considering seeing a therapist, and the words that came out of his mouth that day...

Not just that, the things he did.

**\------------ THAT DAY (BONUS -----------**

"What? Are you off your fucking head? I'm all the help you fucking need."

We got closer to one another, throwing our hands about. Soon enough, I was trying tp pack my clothes and get out of his flat. Desmond kept on blocking my way, and it was obvious that he was determined, because it went on for about two minutes, and he was successful with each block. Then we had a fight over my phone, and we had five minutes of where he was going through my contacts, reading out all of my personal texts and accusing me of cheating. He always had to keep track of where I was, _I just didn't get it._

"I don't need you, I don't need this!" I screamed at him, my emotions running high.

In the heat of the moment, I had yanked the necklace with the ring attached he had given me from my neck and threw it at him, and I knew it had affected him somehow because of the hurt that had flashed up in his eyes. Hell, it almost made me feel bad.

"That's fine. I see where it ends. All this bohemian shit, the painting, the finding yourself. Who knows what you've been doing behind my back?"

"Go to hell. You know, I actually thought I could come to you. I thought I could come to you whenever I was in need, but clearly, I was wrong."

After all, I was trying to save our relationship.

In that moment, Desmond completely gave up, and I remembered him sighing. After that, we were arguing at the top of our voices, probably bothering the neighbours, but we just both were desperate to get our points across. I didn't know what it was, but things were said which never should have been said that day.

And then I left.

**\-------- PRESENT DAY --------**

I took in the air from the cliffs, remembering the event, somehow making me come to terms with what I had to do. _More like remembering the multiple events._

"Alayna," I heard someone call.

Turning around, it was Dan, wearing no coat but his hands were in the pockets of his jeans. After all the drama, we hardly had any time to talk. I smiled at him. _He was worried about me._

"I never liked Des. His aftershave smells of shit," he expressed.

I started laughing because he was trying to make me feel better. I went over to him, giving him a massive hug without thinking. To my surprise, he returned the hug.

"Don't let him hold power over you, even if you have to try your very best to fake it," he told me, pulling me close to his chest.

And he was right.

Another day in the studio came by, and I was prepared. I usually did the food runs and hanged out with Mark a little, though today I decided to watch the guys have a little practise in the studio. Of course, Desmond was there, we greeted each other (though my brain was still rattling from yesterday) and we were civil.

Things were different that day, because Kyle made some brownies and brought them in for us to have a poke at. They were a perfect golden brown baked to perfection, though he was pissed that we kept asking him questions about his secret hobby. Regardless, the others tucked in. I thanked Kyle and told him I'd have a piece later as I'd just eaten my lunch.

Sometimes, Desmond would risk looking at me. I tried to ignore it at first, and then I couldn't. I started picking at my nails, waiting for something to come and distract me. _Could really use that brownie right about now._ I eyed them sitting in the corner on the side, and Mark told the guys to go and get in their places to practise. Desmond had taken a bite out of the brownie, and I was eyeing it as he got up.

But.

I noticed that Desmond started coughing, and he told Mark that he would be a minute, but he looked uncomfortable, and my eyes were widening and my heart was thumping so hard against my chest. He started rubbing his hand against his throat, squinting his eyes as if he was in pain or something. Nobody had noticed, but I noticed. I still didn't know why I had. His breathing suddenly became irregular, and as soon as I had witnessed it, I rushed over to him.

"Desmond. Desmond," I called his name.

He groaned, not seeing what I was fussing him about. Desperately, I looked over at Kyle, whose facial expression has dropped. Frantically, I started brushing my hair back, eyeing the room, scanning it.

"K-Kyle. W-What was in t-the brownies?" I asked him, my voice breaking up.

There was a pause, and everyone in the room was confused for a second. Desmond's irregular breathing continued. _Oh no._ When Kyle couldn't answer, I started scanning the room again, trying to talk to him, to my ex.

"Desmond? Desmond, where is it?" I asked him.

Another groan. He was too out of it to understand what I was talking about, so I pulled out my phone. I had to do something.

"What's wrong with him?" Will asked, and even he was worried now, despite his ultra-cool persona.

"He's got a bad nut allergy," I answered quickly, placing my hand on Desmond's forehead.

The flashbacks started again. For the time being, I put them to the back of my brain, trying to focus on the situation I was in because it was more important. His breathing. _It wasn't good, it wasn't good._

"W-Where's his bag?" I asked, and everyone was staring at me blankly.

Dan and Woody started looking for it, and they confirmed that it was the one day that had hadn't taken it with him. _That fucking idiot!_

"Oh, God. I'm so sorry, I didn't know," Kyle apologised.

I smiled at him and told him that it was fine. I tried to ask Desmond if he was okay to stand, but he was groaning. Of course, he didn't know what was happening, so I called an ambulance. The guys were worried if I might need their help, but I told them that I was fine with him. I slipped Desmond's hand into mine, trying to calm myself down.

As weird as it was, I reached into my bag and took a deep breath. I wasn't even thinking when I did it. I grabbed Desmond's prescribed Epi-pen from my bag (please don't ask) and injected him in the thigh with it. He groaned, but hey, I was saving his life. His reaction seemed to have calmed down, but I was still worried.

"Desmond. Desmond. I'm going to get you out of here, okay?"

Silence. He was unresponsive, and I was getting even more worried. Woody looked at me, and he went outside quickly and I had to hoist Desmond off his seat and drag him into the car. _Focus on getting him to the hospital, the hospital._ Even as we walked into A&E, he kept on trying to talk to me, though Woody and I told him to keep his mouth shut and preserve his energy. _It was a matter of life or death here._

They had to keep him overnight.

I went to pick him up in the morning because I felt as guilty as hell. For the past three years I'd been hoping that something terrible would happen to him, and it did. He wasn't dead, but it felt like he was dying at the time. An anaphylaxis shock, it was so, so dangerous. _If we hadn't have gotten him to the hospital, he could have died._

When we walked out of the hospital, Desmond came to a halt. He had his bag full of clothes over his shoulder, and he was staring at me with that dickhead smirk on his face.

"Even after all these years, you still carry that around?"

My face got all hot. I'd just gotten so used to doing so when we were still together, so I figured it was just old habits dying hard.

"I do, I don't know why."

Not that any of us were anticipating it, but Desmond pulled me closer to him, looking into my eyes. For a moment, it was as if we were still together again and everything was fine. _Fake it, fake it._ If me carrying round the pen made him happy, then I just had to go with it.

But why was I so glad?


	16. Holding The Power

Obviously, I had to get Desmond set up in his little flat. I was really worried about him, so I ended up changing his bedsheets and washing everything and cleaning everything. His face was still a little red from yesterday, though he was looking okay. When he saw that I was trying to keep myself busy, he told me to sit down.

"The least I can do is make you a cup of tea," he offered, smiling weakly.

Nervously, I started drumming my fingers on my skirt. I felt calmer than I had the other day, I had to admit. I took the time to take a deep breath and relax, though the memories of being in his flat were gnawing at me.

I was wondering what was taking Desmond so long, and I wanted to spy on him and tell him off for standing up for too long, but I stayed put because he had told me to. There was a bit of clanging about coming from the kitchen. Just when I was starting to get worried, he entered the bedroom with two cups of tea. I thanked him, taking a sip.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?" he figured, and he was right to say so because we were both thinking about it.

I nodded, taking another sip from my tea. _Four sugars, he had made it just how I liked it. I couldn't believe he even remembered after all those years._

All of a sudden, he placed on of his hands on my knee, and I almost jumped because his fingers were warm from holding his cup of tea. I turned to him.

"You didn't tell me you were in a fire. You could have said."

I said nothing, slurping up my tea more quickly, hoping that I would finish it in time to place it in the kitchen as a distraction. However, Desmond had other ideas, because he squeezed my knee a bit more tightly.

"I-I know, I just didn't think it was important."

Silence passed between us, and it was obvious that he was angry, so I was thinking about leaving him, but he was still recovering, so I couldn't. I had to fill the silence somehow, no matter how awkward my words would be. I was about to say something, but it was obvious that Desmond was going to say something.

"I think the last time you had sex was three years ago," he said.

His comment made me freeze. I knew that Mark and Dan were somewhat telepathic, but Desmond could just be super creepy sometimes, and I didn't know where it came from exactly. He saw my lack of response, and this must have given him some kind of power over me, because he was smirking again.

"That says a lot if the last person you slept with was me, am I right?"

Shyly, I turned around with him. I had never been one to openly talk about sex like that, and I had been reluctant to even answer that truth question whilst playing truth and dare with the guys a few months ago. _He was wrong, it didn't really speak for itself._

Soon enough, I finished my tea. We were sitting in silence, because I just couldn't say anything to him, and I was planning to leave soon. He said nothing as I bid him farewell and headed back to the house.

********

 **\-----** BONUS, **Woody's P.O.V ------**

Alayna used to text us before she was coming toward the house, but she didn't. All we heard was the front door open and close. She greeted us with a lost expression in her eyes, which only proved the point I had tried to make earlier.

Two hours earlier, I called for a little group intervention, taking the opportunity since Alayna wasn't present in the house. Will, as usual, was sweating, Kyle was stroking his beard and Dan was half asleep.

"I think Des...Alayna, they've got a bad history," I put out there.

There was a silence that came about the room, though my mates seemed to widen their eyes and sit up a bit. Nobody really disagreed.

"She's not telling us, and it's fucking obvious," Dan complained, and we were all surprised because he had been quite hush during the whole situation.

Well, it was obvious, since-

 _Nah. I couldn't ruin it. But._ I looked at Dan, and he was giving me a funny look, but he and I both knew that he knew what the look meant.

"You need to step up now," I told him.

And that was all that needed to be said.

**\------ Alayna's P.O.V ------**

I got through the front door, and all of the guys were staring at me, but I was just done, so, so done with Desmond, with Bastille, with Mark, with everyone. Honestly. The view from those cliffs were looking really good.

But seeing him suffering like that, choking, getting all red, it made me realise what we once had. Was I really ready to just let that man walk out of my life?

I wanted to talk to someone about how I was feeling. I was ready. Unsure why, though I chose Woody. We just met up at a little café and had a bite to eat and a milkshake before he turned to me. I'd been stalling for about half an hour; afraid that meeting up with him was a bad idea.

Woody put his hands together and blinked at me. When he saw that I didn't react, he placed his hand on top of mine, and I was surprised as I hadn't really experienced that kind of gentle side of him. My attention was on him now.

"Alayna, what's going on? Truthfully."

My cup started shaking in my hands. _Control it. Remember what Dan said about letting him have power over me._

"He...stalked...me, for a month or two after we broke up."

Woody gasped, and then his expression went all serious again and I had to fight the shaking. It subsided.

"Woah. Alayna. It's okay," he told me, stroking my hand.

I just felt so emotional. It was a horrible, scary time. I didn't tell anyone. One day, I just packed my bags, I left, I started anew.

"Woody. Listen...I-I don't want a-anyone knowing," I stammered, just about managing to ask him for a favour.

Suddenly, his hand left mine, and it was under the table.

"Alayna. It's a criminal offence," he warned me, and he was staring to get angry now.

After a minute or so, he calmed down, though he was still reluctant to keep my promise. Before we left, he said that he would keep it secret. _Yeah, until he changed his mind. Until then, I only had a matter of time before that would happen, and hell, I was scared._

As expected, the day of another concert came about and I was invited to go in the tour bus. It was pretty much like a caravan, but extended. It had a sink, comfortable sofas, a fridge and even two beds upstairs. Overall, it was like the mobile house I never had. Well, except for Desmond being there, and the sour look plastered on Woody's face as he sat in the corner away from the group. Still, I had to be thankful as it was clear the others didn't know.

I couldn't enjoy myself, could I?

The second I was about to go up to Woody to keep him company, Will was midway through a conversation and he stopped. We were all staring, and telling him to carry on, but his eyes were wide, and he wasn't saying anything. It continued for about a minute until Kyle somehow managed to get him to focus. He seemed really confused when we told him what had just happened. All it took was for Woody to ask him if he was okay, and he snapped at us all and went to kip on the sofa nearby, his skin clammy.

It was time for Bastille to perform hours later, fans were there, the stage was set up and everything was great. The lights were amazing, flashing up all over the place. I was stuck with Desmond in the crowd, and I did my best to act as if we didn't know each other.

What I did do was focus on Dan on the stage. After all the drama, we hadn't talked for a while, and I kind of missed him. I missed his looks, our little fights and his blue eyes. Seeing him on stage with those short sleeved shirts and those tight black jeans were just enough to make any girl swoon. His dark brown hair looked black as he sang, and at that moment I realised why he was such a catch. _He was attractive._

After the concert, I made my way back to the tour bus and I was about to get on when Mark stopped me. He usually accompanied the guys on their way back to the transport, but this time he was standing outside.

"I'm looking for Will. Seen him?" Mark asked, his face grim.

I shook my head. To be honest, Mark looked pretty pissed. It had been half an hour after the concert.

"He went AWOL immediately after we finished," Mark stated, and come to think of it, I saw him slip away backstage.

Suddenly, we had a problem in our hands. Will had been acting super weird earlier and he'd been snappy with us all week.

"You go on, but let me know if you do see him," he ordered, and I nodded in agreement.

Upon going inside, I decided to go upstairs and chill out a bit on the sofa beds. I got out a book and started reading, my mind invested in it. Since I was feeling up for it, I got out my earphones too, sitting cross legged and getting comfortable.

From what I guessed, a few minutes passed when all of a sudden, Desmond was in front of me and the flow of my music came to a sudden halt because he'd taken one of my earphones out. I stared at him blankly, and his expression was soft as he sat next to me. Reluctantly, I took my earphones out and put my book down, looking at him to see what he wanted. I swung my legs round so that they were hanging off the bed as opposed to being on the bed.

No words were exchanged between us as he reached out to touch my waist, pulling me closer to his side, into his view. I was paralysed by his hot fingers. _Oh no. I couldn't let him have all the power over me._ His hands crept to my leg, and since I was wearing a skirt, I could feel the contact.

"Nobody's here," he whispered into my air, his hot breath hitting my neck, my face, tempting me and pulling me in.

I did my best to ignore him. I did nothing as he got hold of my arms, placing his lips on my neck. When he did that. _I couldn't just give in._

"D-D-Des," I stuttered.

Even though I couldn't see his face, I just knew that he would be grinning like an idiot.

"Des? You haven't called me that in years," he observed.

His hands left my body, and he was laughing at me now. He left shortly after, leaving me a little confused.

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up all curled in a ball on the sofa bed with a blanket draped over me. Will sat next to me, his face in deep concentration. Feeling a bit weary, I sat up a little. Nobody else was on the bus, just me and Will. _That made finding him easy._

"Will, where have you been?" I asked him.

I eyed the white looking package next to him with green writing on.

"Oh, I went to a walk in centre, I have high blood pressure," Will said casually, and I hit him for it.

Though, I was glad I found out what was wrong with him. It did explain his symptoms. Honestly, I'd been worried.

The others arrived some time later, and we were on the road. We were all talking and everything was quite good. The performance was amazing, and Woody literally signed some girl's face, though he acted quite cool about it.

Everything was good until one question came up that I hadn't been expecting.

"So how did you two meet?" Kyle asked casually.

Well, I couldn't really blame him. He was still feeling really bad after his cooking sent my ex to hospital. I cleared my throat.

"Uh, it's not like it really matters, does it?" Mark covered for me when he saw me having a nervous breakdown.

"I was fourteen. He got me into photography," I mumbled under my breath, feeling a little embarrassed at the three year, almost four age gap between us back then.

Desmond said nothing because he loved watching me squirm, ever since day one. I felt really nervous, so I made the excuse and started faffing about upstairs in the tour bus, getting all the beds into Alayna-approved shape.

As usual, waking up was weird, because Woody was sitting next to me on the little sofa bed. I took one look at him and rolled my eyes. He hadn't even noticed because he was too busy staring into the distance with his eyes wide open. _Fucking vampire._ Woody often complained about lights being left on. Whenever we went to a hotel, the lights always had to be dimming lights, and he would often have them on a pointlessly low setting and candles scattered around the room like he was worshipping Satan.

Anyway, he saw me looking at him, and he scrunched up his nose as if he didn't really like me making eye contact with him. I realised that with his eyes, he was directing me toward the sofa that Dan was sitting on. His dark hair was all over the place, even more of a mess than usual and he was biting his thumb as if he was in deep thought about something. Dan was in that state so deeply that he hadn't even noticed us staring at him. Slowly, Woody got his phone out, and I got a little notification from him. I read it.

_I've never seen him like this._

When I realised that Woody hadn't actually been staring into the distance, I felt a little bad. Not about the vampire part, though, because that was just creepy.

_I'm sure he'll be okay. He'll perk up. Everyone has a bad day, right?_

Woody smiled at me weakly, and I was glad that I'd put his mind at ease a little. We followed Dan downstairs as he got up, moaning about the lack of sunlight coming into the bus.  He went over to the kettle, flicking it on. Waiting. Once it was done, he made himself a cup of tea, except that when he picked it up, his hand started shaking wildly. It was like he couldn't control it, and he was trying his best, until he dropped it and it shattered. The sound of the mug breaking was deafening. Dan sighed, ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath, disappearing upstairs as if he didn't know that we were watching.

Without saying anything to each other, Woody and I started to clean up the mess. It didn't really require any more communication. It was just something that friends did automatically, you know - clean up your mess.

I went back to what I considered to be my hometown for a while. Truthfully, I was scared of running into my friends, but it was only best to face them. I mean, I hadn't seen them in almost half a year. I saw Luna first, and she wasn't very happy with me. In fact, when we met up, there was a look of trouble all over her face. I told her everything that had been going on, the launch of my new career, leaving Marty behind, meeting guys, becoming friends with a vlogger and bumping into Desmond. I left out the band part because I could picture Dan peeling off my fingernails.

"Desmond? What a prick. Wait until I fucking see that twat," Luna muttered under her breath, though her words were still perfectly audible and people were staring.

There was a moment of silence.

"I can see it in your eyes, Alayna. You need to be careful. You've already given into him," Luna advised, and to be honest, she was right.

I nodded, taking her advice, because she was right. I had already let him touch me, whisper into my ear. It had to stop, because I couldn't let him worm his way back into my life.

"I'll do my very best," I promised her, and myself, to be honest.

There we sat, in the outside bit of the café, thinking about all the things we could have done differently.


	17. Somewhere Way Beyond

I tried to fight it, really, but when we were in a nearby studio and Desmond got his camera out, I couldn't help myself from becoming curious. It was a habit we had picked up together, and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have realised what I wanted to do. I was already a bit nervous about the guys sitting up camp in what I considered my hometown. Though I saw the camera, I said nothing and just hoped the feelings of nostalgia would pass.

Polly was going away for the weekend, so she basically forced her cat on me. Its name was Genius, and it was a girl. Of course, as you may have guessed, she called it Genie for short, and as for that cat - it was a dumb as a loaf of bread. The cat was small and a mix of black and white, and even though it was small, it didn't mean that it wasn't annoying. I wasn't too good with animals, though Polly had written some stuff down for me.

_The Manual To Success_

_If Genius sees you drinking water, she'll immediately want water, so give it to her._

_When she's hungry, feed her!_

_\- Polls xoxoxo_

I stared blankly at the makeup-stained ripped off piece of notepad paper, feeling just as dumb as her stupid cat. As I stared at the pointless note, Genius started meowing at me and snuggling against my leg. Well, at least I had company.

I thought that I would pay a visit to the studio, since I had bought the guys some lunch. I laid it down on the communal table, only to hear miaowing coming from somewhere in the distance. Of course, I was convinced that I was going insane, until I saw a little animal by the name of Genius sitting in the hallway. I cursed out loud, and the guys started laughing at me. Immediately, I whipped out my phone and dialled Polly's number.

"Voicemail!" I shouted.

Woody and Kyle were howling with laughter now, and all I wanted to do was slap them across their foreheads. _I'd leave Polly a message._

"Polly. It's following me everywhere. Please. Please take it back. Get someone to, I don't care," I begged her.

I left the message, realising that everyone was watching me. I couldn't just leave the cat in the studio. Literally, I turned my back and everyone was crowding around it, stroking it as if it was some sort of Christmas miracle or something. Desmond came into the room.

"Aw, is that Genius?"

It was at that moment I instantly despised the cat because it took an interest in him and practically jumped into his arms. Desmond snuggled it against his chest and Genius (or should I say dumbass) would not stop purring!

"Polly's, right?"

Blood started pumping faster and faster throughout my body at the mention of her name. _Trying to use the nostalgia card, huh?_

"I...didn't know...that you would be...here," I said slowly, looking straight at Desmond and at Mark.

Mark opened his mouth to explain himself, but I was already tired and pissed with all the drama.

"I just thought I'd stop here. Continue with my project," Desmond mentioned.

I walked over to Genius to try and get her back, but she ignored me since she was more interested in staying in my ex boyfriend's arms. _Even animals didn't want me to take them home._ I sighed, leaving the studio and hoping to never seen that idiot again.

An hour later I got a call from an angry sounding Luna about how Desmond had paid her a visit, along with Polly's cat. She did not sound very happy at all. Of course, she wanted me to come over, but I just said that I was busy with some random photography project. I felt bad, but I just couldn't be bothered with all the drama.

To make things even worse, the guys invited me to a party, and if I said no, they would just assume that it was about Desmond and our complicated relationship. He was a common friend, so I just had to deal with it. Our little disputes, I was way beyond that, I mean - we were adults. The venue was pretty much the same as the last one, a large mansion. I was told I could bring a friend.

As a result, I was stuck with an already drunk Charlotte at what I thought would be a decent, free flowing, carefree party. If you asked me, she was being way too giddy, and even Will whispered it to me in passing. She was trying way too hard to get Woody's attention, and it was slowly starting to become my entertainment for the night. _Fucking hell._

Delivered by fate was a cocky looking Desmond. Like the others, he was dressed quite casually. When he saw me, his expression changed, kind of sour.

"Wish you dressed like that for me," he commented unnecessarily.

Instantly, I felt annoyed, but seeing Dan's smile softened me a little. Really, it made me feel better. Besides, all I was wearing was a skirt and a sort-of-chesty top. When I didn't reply to his comment, he took me aside from the others, putting his hand to the wall, looking as if he as cornering me. We were in a separate room, and of course, nobody could see. Looking up at him, his face was straight, unmoving.

"Genius got your tongue, or are you resisting me?" Desmond joked.

I scoffed. As if he would say something as big-headed as that.

"I'm okay, thanks," I replied softly, moving past him.

Quickly, I left the room, hoping nobody had seen us and suspected anything. Using my fingers, I brushed my hair back and stepped back into the party. By the time I stepped out, the centre mini stage was set up and the guys were performing. I knew that they'd be performing, I just was unsure of what song.

_It only matters if we care now,_

_If you're way beyond that_

I recognised it immediately, as I'd listened to all of their songs. Again, the words spoke to me, and something that Logan had said to me in the past bothered me. He mentioned that whenever I was in the room and Dan sang, he would always make eye contact with me. It was only now I actually understood. As he sang, he was looking at me, directly at me, and it sent shivers down my spine somehow. The looks weren't obvious, they were subtle.

Ah, my God.

My head started spinning. _Fucking hell. It just couldn't be true, I felt so dizzy just thinking about it. Besides, it had to be a good thing, right? Nothing like a bit of friendly eye contact._

When Dan was done, I wanted to catch him after the performance since he was walking in my direction, but Woody got to me first. He looked really angry, and he was staring directly at Desmond. _Ah, shit. I knew that Woody could throw a good punch, so I had to try and avoid the fighting situation.  I only had a matter of time._

"Des, could you get me another drink?"

No reply. They were just staring at each other now. _Uh-oh, people were bond to start staring soon._ Woody was holding a can of beer, and it was pretty much full. The more seconds that passed by, the angrier he got, and the more he squeezed the can.

"I saw you cornering Alayna earlier," Woody accused, and that wasn't even what he had actually said, I'd just translated his words into much softer ones.

Desmond's eyes were as hard as stone now. He was thinking of some kind of way to deflect the accusation, and he was clever at doing that. Too clever, too quick on his feet.

"I wouldn't put my hands on her," Desmond protested.

Woody laughed, and we could see that he was losing it now, but none of us chose to physically intervene and stop him, not yet, anyway.

"Funny, because that's what you said about Charlotte, right?" Woody reminded him, his can overflowing from the pure force he was putting into squeezing it.

For one of the very few times in my life, I witnessed Desmond silent. We were all convinced that the argument was over, until Woody drew his hand back and hit him as hard as he could over the head with the can. It was so quick that I couldn't stop him, and I was the closest. Dan was standing with his mouth wide open two metres away and Kyle and Will were rushing over. _Oh God. People were staring._

I looked at my ex who was drowning in beer, half in pity, half with a sense of achievement.

Not feeling guilty at all, I walked away from the situation and tried to find Woody, who had clearly been drinking too much. Mark told me to leave it, and I did.

I went bake home, reflecting on the night's events. In a way, I had gotten revenge on Desmond through Woody after all those years, and it sure felt good. However, revenge - I knew that I was way beyond that.

Unusually, I got a knock on the door of my flat, and I went to investigate. To my surprise, it was Dan. I welcomed him inside, making him a cup of tea and getting him sat down at the kitchen table. He kept on moving his leg underneath the table. We'd always tell him off for his excessive coffee consumption.

"Would you like to go out for lunch or something?" Dan asked, his eyes not meeting mine.

I thought about it for a second, and took it as a good idea because I didn't want to be waiting around in my flat in case an angry Luna came knocking on my door with a stupid cat.

"Sure, that would be nice," I agreed.

So I went out with Dan to a little baguette place and he favoured the chicken and sweet corn panini. I was happy with a BLT. Dan looked so cool in his black hat and his glasses so that nobody would recognise him.

We walked back to my place, and I didn't really question Dan, so I let him chill out for a bit. In the living room, I took the opportunity to sit next to him. He was sitting with his legs wide and his hands together as if he was in deep thought.

"Is something on your mind?" I had to ask him, slightly dreading his answer.

Dan looked at me, and when I saw his electric blue eyes, I found myself slightly paralysed. I didn't know why, but there was something that convinced me that he was okay.

"No, not really," he answered, smiling at me.

I was surprised at what he did next, because he took one of my hands. Naturally, I figured he was just admiring my blue nail polish (it was a bloody expensive ten quid per bottle) and how it shined in the light.

"I really enjoy spending time with you, Alayna," Dan expressed.

I blinked at him, wondering where the sudden confession had come from all of a sudden. What I did was thank him.

I met up with Will later in the week, and he seemed a little distracted. I mean, he was taking his medication and everything, but there was something strange going on.

"Say, if I asked you out, what would you think of that?"

In confusion, I tilted my head to the side and my brain switched on a little bit more.

"In what...context?"

Will smirked at me, and it sent shivers up my spine. _Why did I feel so weird? So unnatural?_

"That's up to you."

Suddenly, I began to feel a bit uneasy. I originally thought that I would be wary of Will, as he was the oldest in the band. Very cool looking, not to mention very calm.

"Um, okay. I'll get back to you on that."

I got back to Will, and he told me he had booked a table at some restaurant or something. Though the whole situation was weird, I appreciate that he'd taken the effort and time to gather the courage to ask me out - I had no idea that he liked me, or possibly saw me in that way.

The following day I was extremely reluctant to go over to the studio. I originally thought that everyone would be staring at me as I walked in, and I wasn't sure if the less attention was freaking me out more. _My brain was frying._

Will was looking at me now. OK, now everyone was staring and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I had only really swung by to have a talk with Desmond.

"I can't make dinner tomorrow, so Dan can go," Will announced.

Dan was drinking a glass of water, and he seemed to choke on it at the mentioning of his name.

"What?" Dan said.

Will smiled and me and waved goodbye, leaving the studio. _What just happened?_ Mark was grinning too, though I didn't know why.

Tomorrow arrived, and so did the evening. The restaurant was very private and reserved just for us, and I had to wonder what Will had been planning before he threw Dan into the mix. We sat down at our table. _Yep, it had to be a romantic setting._

Once again, something weird happened, because I noticed that Dan was linking his hand in mine, passing his warmth onto me. In that moment, I felt so relaxed, so chilled.

"I feel comfortable with you."

Whilst I tucked into my garlic bread, I gave him a funny look. Nevertheless, he was staring at me with those electric blue eyes.

"Really?"

He did nothing but nod and smile at me again, his hand squeezing mine a little tighter. I mean, he'd had a bit to drink, but not that much. Anyway, I was blissful that just my presence made him happy. I laughed, just thinking about it and looking at our hands refusing to come apart.

"What are we doing?"

Dan laughed, too.

"We're looking up for heaven."

In a way, we were. Hoping for all good to happen.

After our little get together, we hopped into a taxi (more like a smart car because it was tiny!) to my flat. Overall, we had quite a good two hours together. Over the past few months, i had learned that Daniel Smith was a gentle soul.

Outside my flat, I was about to go inside when Dan stopped me. It was so unexpected, because he wrapped his arm around my waist, causing me to look up at him because of his height compared to mine.

"You look so good tonight. I had a good time," he complimented me, and there was something in his eyes, something I felt attracted to.

It was confidence.

"Thank you. I did, too," I admitted, my heart about to explode with excitement.

Dan dipped his head down a little, and our noses were touching. I responded to his movement, my face getting closer to his. Our lips touched, and we were kissing. Outside my flat, there we were, and while he was holding me, I couldn't explain it - in his warmth, I forgot about the coldness around me. Yet in his heat, I felt how cold it could get. There was something about the kiss, it was so satisfying, so raw, so real.

The kissing stopped after half a minute, and the taste of Daniel Smith was still on my lips, even after he said goodbye and I went inside. _He was such a gentleman, huh?_


	18. Not Just Another Man in The Field

From then on, over the next week, Dan and I had been meeting each other in secret locations in my hometown. A café in the depths of town, an alleyway near my house, a few streets down by a homeless shelter and even a library. Though we didn't say it out loud, it was obvious we enjoyed being a bit sneaky, and we didn't want anyone poking into our business, especially now that Desmond was around.

At the café, we drank coffee to our heart's content and ate one too many of the little lemon cake bites that I found out Dan couldn't resist either. Though he was heavily disguised, we even managed to hold hands. I knew that things had basically changed overnight and were moving fast, but all I wanted to do was spend time with him because I was genuinely attracted to him. Plus, the café was bustling with people so it was the perfect time to, you know - blend in with the rest of the world.

The alleyway near my house had a couple of bins in it, and all we really did was talk. It was nice, because we managed to take a bunch of pictures without Dan being in his silly disguise clothes. In addition, I loved how his dark hair presented itself. Even though we were spending more time together, I began to realise how much months we had wasted not realising we had that kind of deep connection with each other. Well, at least we had our time now, and that was what really mattered, right? _Even if it was fishy and smelt of shit._

Dan chose the location of meeting outside the homeless shelter in my hometown, but we had to walk bristly down a couple more streets because a randomer kept on bothering us. Whilst running away from them, though, we had a lot of fun. I also cursed Dan for arranging to meet at such a place. His argument, as usual, was that it was "low-key".  The worst thing was that he sounded so cringe-y when he said it, too.

The final location of the week was inside the library, and Dan mentioned how we had the best time there. First of all, it was away from everyone else, and we had a whole section to ourselves. I was amazed that Dan had read all of the classics, and I really wanted to hear more about his life.

"I've read most of the books here, to be honest. I studied English Literature at university," he explained, looking all smart.

He deserved the right to show off though, because I hadn't really thought about the guys' personal lives before. I instantly felt bad for not asking when we first met, though we had all gotten off to a rocky start. I remembered me being on one side, and the rest of the band on the rest. It made me laugh just thinking about it.

"What was university life like for you?" I asked him.

Something went off in my brain when I saw Dan's expression becoming somewhat cloudy. I quickly jumped in, telling him that there was no pressure in answering my question. However, his facial expression softened, and he looked at me with those wide, excitable eyes.

"When I got there...I realised, I was just another person, you know? Just going with the flow. Sad, but I got a degree, right?"

I smiled, feeling less guilty. _He still managed to turn it around, didn't he? Well, that was Dan Smith._

"I get what you mean," I sympathised, and I went onto talk about how I somehow acquired an art degree whilst I was there. 

We sat in the library, not reading at all, but reading each other's thoughts, giving each other insights into the world, and what living was really about. I found it really interesting, and I loved getting inside Dan Smith's brain. Really. Not only did I find him attractive, I found his thought process extremely attractive.

Charlotte swung by the studio, and since me and Dan had been talking about appreciating others in the world, I thought I'd take her aside and tell her something that I thought that she would like to know - or deserve to know. Whether she knew or not, no matter how annoying she was. Didn't everyone deserve a chance of being happy?

"Woody punched Desmond for you," I pointed out, to kind of kick off the conversation.

She stared at me blankly. I supposed that she already knew, and I had to rack my brains to try and figure out what was the right thing to say next.

"That must mean something, right?" I hinted, to try and get her gears working inside her brain, however small it was.

Charlotte nodded and took a moment to take it all in.

"Oh, and I know you and Mark aren't really dating. It's okay," she dropped a bomb.

Then, she smiled at me, opened her mouth really wide before thanking me and ran toward the studio Bastille were in. I had to admit, I instantly felt a little better about the whole ex-fiancé situation. _OK, she was smarter than I thought she was._

News got out (within the studio) that Charlotte and Woody were dating. Despite disagreements between the group, Desmond was still present the following day to help out with rehearsals. I popped in, since I had nothing better to do. Desmond was sitting on a stool away from the others, and he was staring at me.

"So, it has to be one of them, right?" Desmond pointed out.

I was starting to get annoyed with that. _I didn't have to be sleeping with any member of Bastille to live amongst them._ What gave him the right to bring that up, anyway? He went on to say that it could only be Will or Dan since I'd pretended to go out with Mark. Kyle helpfully changed the subject, and I went over to Desmond because there was something that I needed to say.

"Pipe down," I warned him.

Desmond stared at me with his cold eyes, saying nothing. I could be just as serious as he was, and he knew that.

I also knew that Dan Smith wasn't just another man in the field.

The following week, thing seemed almost back to normal because I was back in our little communal living space which was just under an hour away from my hometown. I really felt at home, moving in there again. Will and I hadn't really talked about the incident with the booking the table and Dan tagging along, so I needed to somehow talk to him.

Gathering most of the courage I had on that particular day, I went over to Will, hoping to spark up some words. I asked him if he had been okay with Dan going, and he gave me an answer I didn't expect.

"Oh, about that. Uh, I set you up," Will admitted.

Before I questioned him, he declared that he was crashing in on Kyle's date with his girlfriend, and the two of them left quickly after that. _So he never really intended to take me out? At least that was a weight off my shoulders._

I walked into Dan's room an hour after everyone had left the house, only to find him with a pair of glasses on, his hair haywire and papers scattered everywhere. A brand new desk had appeared from thin air, and he was scribbling notes on multiple pieces, pushing them together to make some kind of giant poster. I instantly felt attracted to his attempt at being artsy, and I liked that.

Things had changed between us, because he let me sit down next to him and watch him work. There would be moments he would stop and take a think, but he started scribbling down more ideas, more thoughts, more scenarios. It was all very technical, though he didn't really have an organised system in terms of where things went. It was interesting watching him work.

Ten minutes later, his attention was on me, because he turned to me and put his arm around me, pulling me a little closer to his side. Shyly, I looked up at him. He put his lips to mine, and we were kissing. During us locking lips, I started to think of where we were going with things. I mean, we'd known each other for almost a year, and Christmas was coming up soon. _Hadn't we basically been going out anyway?_

I suddenly got a scary image of my sister reminding me that when getting into a relationship with someone, no matter the circumstances, it was sensible to wait three months before sleeping with them. I looked at Dan as we pulled back from each other. There wasn't much sexual tension, right? _Though I did have to worry about it and all, especially if Demi was making her way into my brain._

Oh fuck, I was going insane. Now I was the person on the campus.

It was September at that moment in time, and we had confirmed we were basically together, just sneaking around. It did excite me, but how long could we make it last?

September and October passed quite quickly, with concerts, gigs, me painting, taking photographs and bumping into my ex a lot. Unfortunately, I made the stupid decision in meeting up with Luna and Polly. I hadn't seen Polly in months, and she wasn't very happy that I hadn't tried to get in contact, not to mention how I'd given Genuis to my cat-loving ex. She quickly got over it once Luna explained all the shit Dezzy had been giving me over the last few weeks.

The reason why it had been a bad decision was because they were banging on about a Halloween party held in some apparently amazing venue, and they really wanted to go but you needed to have "connections" and be a V.I.P. The worst thing is that they actually managed to get V.I.P passes as they'd won them in some sort of radio contest. I guessed it was the same party that the band had invited me to, as the venues matched. _Shit, and I'd promised the guys that I would go._ Somehow, amongst my friends, I managed to act normal as if I wasn't going to the party. It was a big party, nobody would notice me, right?

So we got to the party, and I was interested in everyone's costumes since it was dark and I couldn't really see. I was dressed as Alice from Wonderland. Mark was dressed as the Grim Reaper, and he just looked fucking scary with the mask and the gloves and everything. Will was dressed as _Where's Wally_ as he had lost a bet with Mark, and the white and red stripes really made me laugh - not to mention the hat to match. Woody made an effort with a creepy Guy Fawkes mask with a hoodie and Kyle was dressed as Slenderman, which scared me also. Dan was the Mad Hatter. (We totally didn't plan our outfits. Honestly).

As for my ex, I didn't really know where he was, but I knew he got his face painted as a skull or something. _He was a walking skeleton anyway, what difference did a bit of face paint make to his appearance?_

We walked into the venue, amazed to see people all dressed up in costume, like us. Mark sadistically enjoyed scaring people then revealing his mask, and Kyle followed, his tall figure making him look even more like Slenderman. (I didn't know how he was breathing under that damn mask).

Dan and I didn't bother socialising with other people, we were too intimidated by the other celebrities that we would meet, so we ended up just dancing and drinking some of the night away instead. Even in my heels, I managed to get a groove on with Daniel Smith - in public, on the dancefloor.

The worst thing imaginable happened later, because I was drinking something (till this day I still wasn't sure what it was) when someone clumsily knocked me, and it narrowly avoided my brand new red high heels to go with my costume. Just as I was about to cuss at them, I realised it was a drunk Luna and a half sober Polly. My eyes widened.

Obviously, Dan didn't know they were my friends. Luna was the stereotypical sexy cat, and Polly was a somewhat sexy Snow White. Their mouths dropped. I squeezed Dan's arm, indicating that he should stand a metre or so away so we could act like we didn't know each other.

"You told us you weren't coming here!" Polly remembered, her voice getting all high pitched.

Of course, I didn't want to lie to my friends, but I didn't want anyone to find out about mine and Daniel Smith's relationship thing we had going on.

"Yeah, bitch. What... youuu doing herrre?" Luna asked, even managing to stand up in her entirely drunken state.

I blinked at those two idiots in front of me, but they were my best and only female friends (apart from my meddling sister) and I felt the need to give them some answers since I'd gone AWOL for almost a year.

"I have connections. I'm doing some artwork for an artist," I admitted, being half honest.

Surprisingly, they were satisfied and didn't even ask me for the name of the artist. I was really lucky that they didn't, otherwise Dan would have killed me. Lying, I told them I was going to get a drink. Quickly, I took Dan's hand and never came back to them in the party. _I would text them and make an excuse up later._

Dan and I managed to get outside the venue, where as Alice and as the Mad Hatter, we shared a passionate, unexpected kiss. He got me against the cold wall, running his hands over the ruffles of my extremely short blue and white dress. I giggled.

"The second time, huh?"

He smiled at me.

"Suppose so."

I said nothing as he ran his hands down my sides, and I closed my eyes. At that point, I wasn't even worried about someone seeing us. We kissed again, and my arms were around his warm neck, and my head started banging when I realised something. _Wait._ We pulled back from each other, and it hit me like a plane going at full speed. When we looked into each other's eyes, I could just feel the sexual tension.

Oh, shit.

_Now I was in trouble. I was totally falling for him._

Falling for the fucking Mad Hatter.


	19. Snakes Alike

On a frosty November evening, my Facebook was going crazy because of a terrible mistake that was made. At first, I thought it was the band tagging me in a picture, but it was something else entirely. It was Desmond's Facebook, and he'd posted a chain of pictures of us from a few years ago. They'd already reached six hundred likes, and I was starting to bite my nails in case anyone had seen the pictures. It wasn't that they were bad, it was of me and my ex smiling, laughing, pouring mayonnaise over each other.

Without thinking, I marched into the studio that very day. Once I saw Desmond, I ran straight to him, flinging my bag down. It got everyone's attention, all right, and I was glad. Desmond, as usual, was pretty calm in times of confrontation, and that nasty bruise Woody had given him a few months ago had faded. He was still staring at me with that stupid smirk, though.

"What do you want from me, huh? Why'd you post them?" I had to ask him, because I had been wanting the answer to that question ever since we had bumped into each other.

Desmond looked at me with that stupid, blank facial expression as if he didn't know what the hell was going on, when he did in reality. He crossed his arms, half looking at me and half looking back at the others.

"I want to talk to your sister, because I'm very concerned about how you're acting right now," Desmond warned.

I scoffed at him and marched straight out of the studio, feeling bad that I didn't even bother greeting the others.

The following evening, I visited my flat, and the others new I would be visiting my flat that evening, and I got a knock on the door. My face dropped when I realised it was my sister. I tried to shut her out, tried not to let her in, but she managed to squeeze past and straight into my living space. I sighed. Demi-Leigh slammed her bag down on the wooden floor, crossing her arms and staring at me.

_Desmond, the snake!_

As if things couldn't get any worse, Daniel walked in since the door was open, and I always told him he was free to walk in if the door was open. He squinted his eyes, sensing the seriousness of the situation, yet he stayed. _Well, where would I be without moral support, eh?_ Demi-Leigh's facial expression got brighter.

"It's that boy. Hospital boy," she beamed, immediately rushing to my side and pointing at him.

To that, I rolled my eyes, but glad that Daniel had appeared because I partly didn't have to explain myself. Leigh made a big deal about how Desmond had got in contact with her, and I didn't really know how to answer until Dan stepped in.

"She's perfectly fine," Dan assured her with that charming smile.

To prove the point, he walked over to me, wrapping his arm around my waist. My face went hot, because we weren't used to touching each other in front of other people. My older sister seemed convinced enough, and she left, cussing Desmond over voicemail for making her waste a trip to my flat.

I came to the studio the next day, getting a nasty little shock when Woody told me that Desmond was hovering outside, and he'd been a while. I went to investigate to find him all chilled out, leaning against the wall with a lit cigarette. I stared at him in horror, yanking it from his grasp and dashing it to the floor, putting it out with my foot. Desmond cussed at me, but I didn't care.

"What the hell? I got you off those."

Desmond chuckled. _Well, manipulators like him needed some kind of coping method to juggle with their conscience._

"Yeah, four and a half years ago."

Anger was forming inside of me, and I was very tempted to snap at him. _If he wanted to kill himself, who was I to stop him? What an asshole._

Soon came December, and Dan and I had been going out for just over three months. It was weird texting him, it was weird him being my boyfriend. Everything was just a whirlwind, but I was willing to hold on for the ride. Despite going against it, I listened to my sister's voice inside my head. After all, she was the only one who knew that we were together.

My plan was to somehow get Dan to spend some of his time off before Christmas with me, but I was too nervous to ask. As a result, even when we both wanted to make plans, the band were invited on a couple radio shows, so I accepted it and just went with the flow.

Unfortunately, the run up to Christmas was even worse because one of the radio gigs got cancelled and we were all hanging around the studio with no purpose. I went into Mark's little production room to get something when I heard the door close. I figured that someone must have closed it by accident, since I didn't announce where I was going. However, when I tried to open it, the door would not budge.

To make things even worse, Desmond appeared from Mark's cupboard and stupidly tried the door, pulling a blank face when it didn't open. We stood staring at each other for a few moments, and he made himself comfortable on a chair.

Nobody had noticed. They all had to be drinking, I figured.

He took a deep breath, and I hadn't really heard him sing acapella in years.

_Snakes are biting at my heels,_

  
_The worries that refuse to let us go_

  
_I've been kicking them away,_

  
_Been hoping not to let them take control_

I listened to his words, mesmerised by them. Obviously, it was Snakes. I forgot how good he was. Of course, he wasn't as breathtaking as Dan, but he could always work his way up there.

"Are you sure it isn't you harassing the snakes?" I questioned him.

Dezzy smiled and walked over to me, where we awkwardly faced each other.

"Are you sure it isn't you harassing me?"

I looked at him, trying my best not to punch him in the face like before. _He was a snake, surely._

"I'm sure."

Surprisingly, I managed to stand my ground. I think it was because of my passion for Dan, it kept me going, giving me a reason not to give into him or let him control me like he had three years ago.

I didn't managed to calculate what happened next, because he reached out to get something from my hair, and I was about to thank him. Purposely, he put a finger to my head, and I wasn't accusing him of witchcraft or anything, but it was pretty damn close.

**\------- Flashback 2.**

I'd just returned from a night out with the girls. It was a few months before Des and I really argued. However, when I got back that same night Luna fractured her ankle staggering drunk in those high heels, I remembered Des not looking very pleased. Of course, I didn't follow Luna and Polly to A&E because I didn't want to alarm him. He was the type to get worried so easily, after all.

It wasn't like he went crazy and started shouting at me, he immediately went to my side, placing his hands on either sides of my face and blinking at me. I remembered staring at him blankly.

"I was worried. You're back a little later than I would have liked you to be," Desmond expressed, and I had instantly felt bad.

Shyly, I had looked away from him. Back then, I really hated disappointing him, because in that period of time, we were going out. We were in a relationship and we cared for each other, and I'd let him down. Made him worry about me all night. I figured I owed it to him.

"So you just got a taxi by your own? Walked here by your own?" Desmond questioned me.

I stared at him, my eyes wide, not understanding why he was being the way he was. I was home then, and that was all that mattered. Plus, I was in one piece. Before I could even stop him, he got hold of my phone and started calling Polly. It was horrible, watching him shout and get all angry, but I didn't stop him, and even to the present day, I regretted it. Standing there, in the kitchen, all weak.

"These girls, they aren't your friends anymore. They're no good for you," he decided for me.

I gulped as he came over to me, gently holding my hands. Watching him delete them from my phone and leave me to draw the blinds, it made my heart race, made me uneasy. Yet, I hadn't said anything.

And I regretted it.

**\------------- Present Day**

The next time I opened my eyes, Desmond's finger was leaving my forehead, and it was as if he knew it had triggered some kind of flashback or something, because he was grinning like a Cheshire cat at me.

Then the rope, it kind of snapped.

"You're looking at me like you know something I don't," I accused him.

Desmond blinked at me.

"Sorry, I'm the delusional one?" he hissed, which only pissed me off even more.

I scoffed, not even wanting to willingly be in the same room as him. I felt as if the longer I stayed with him, the more flashbacks I would get. Naturally, I didn't want to remember my past with him because of all the things he put me through. Who wanted to remember their past with a bad ex?

Still, he advanced toward me, his hands on my arms, and I hated how he thought he could just touch me so casually. I let my guard down at that moment, and I felt myself tense up a little, sensing his hot fingertips on my bare skin.

"You freeze up at my touch, even after all these years," he whispered into my ear, and I froze up even more at the heat coming from his breath.

At that moment, I heard the unfamiliar sound of the door open, and Mark walked in, not realising we were in the room. He didn't apologise for being the person to close the door, because his mouth was just ever so _slightly open._ I cursed myself for letting my ex boyfriend touch me. Mark _had eyes, he definitely saw._ Awkwardly, he left the room, saying nothing at all, which worried me.

A few days later, we got back to the house and whilst Dan was out, Kyle called for a group intervention. I had been thinking about the events that happened being locked up in that room with that bastard all week, and I just knew it was going to fall into the flow in conversation that was yet to come. Obviously, Dan must have found out somehow because of _Mark and his big mouth!_

Woody was sat down, Kyle was leaning against something and Will was stood up. I took note of their positions and stances, because it seemed like they were gearing up for an argument. I figured I was probably right about that.

"I'm not...accusing you of anything, but if you and Des were doing something in the studio..." Woody trailed off.

Will coughed, and they were looking at each other as if a teacher had asked one of them for an answer, and the other hand been planning to say the exact thing. I watched them sort out their miscommunication whilst I prepared myself.

"Mark hates that shit," Will added, and it wasn't even necessary.

Before I could even deny what happened, Kyle raised his hand, and the others rolled their eyes. Then, he looked at me, and I nodded. _Damn, it was a free country, wasn't it?_

"Dan's pretty pissed, Alayna. He hates the guy," Kyle mentioned.

I sighed and nodded, taking in all of their opinions. To be honest, they were right, but they were forgetting one point. Just as I was about to get to it, I noticed a similar glint in their eyes, like they knew something about my personal life that I didn't. _Whatever it was, I could question them at a later date._

"I didn't do...anything with him," I denied, sounding completely useless with my argument as I had nothing to back it up.

The guys nodded weakly, like they didn't believe me. At that point, I felt really angry, and unfortunately, I showed this anger by crossing my arm and biting my bottom lip nervously. _What was I? Some kind of slut?_

"What was it then?" Will questioned me, and it was a fair one to ask, except that it made me all nervous with the way he was staring at me.

I started feeling uncomfortable, because by speaking up, I didn't anticipate that I would have to explain my view opposed to theirs. It didn't even matter that there was three of them and one of me, because their points were pretty valid and probably overpowered mine. _Why couldn't I answer?_

"You can tell us things, right?" Kyle figured.

My heart split in two when he realised I wasn't going to reply to what he had just said, and he started looking at the floor. _I didn't mean to hurt them. I mean, if i did tell them, they would freak out, feel sorry for me or Woody would kill him._

"OK then, I don't trust you with him as far as I can throw you," Woody comfirmed, and I was surprised at his behaviour because I had told him things that nobody else knew.

As if on cue, they all disappeared into my room, and i was left on my own, and it was all to my own doing. _What snakes, I thought they were my friends_.

The following day, I made a horrible discovery. I tried contacting my friends over the phone, on Skype, Facebook, you name it, but they weren't replying. They were posting things, but weren't replying. This was on every platform we were friends on, and I was starting to wonder if they were still mad about the Halloween party, but that was so distant and it would seem silly.

I was so worried that I ended up knocking on Luna's door. I had to knock a good few times before she came out, and Polly was standing behind her. It was weird for them to randomly be together, especially without planning to invite me first, so i gave them both a funny look. A funny look to which they didn't return, and a dark cloud washed over me.

"Why are you fucking here?" Luna asked, a vile tone to her voice.

I stared at her blankly, and when Polly saw that i had no idea what was going on, she got her phone out and showed me a conversation between her and myself, then one of Luna and myself on Facebook. It was a long paragraph of all the things I disliked about them both, and how they had rarely helped me during the whole stalking/bad breakup thing. My jaw dropped in disbelief.

"I-I didn't send this. I-I swear," I stuttered, losing control of my voice, even though I was telling the truth I was aware it didn't sound like it.

"Alayna. Don't bullshit us. If you felt this way, you should have told us. I can't believe you would be...would be that...two-faced," Polly said, her eyes almost forming tears.

Obviously, they had heard enough from me and closed the door on me. My mind drifted on the walk home, wondering if I had really sent the message. _The text, the way it was written was like mine. My password was long. What if I had been really drunk last night?_

Was I self-destructing?


	20. Gives You Grief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's kind of distressing with references to depression and stuff like that.  
> I hope you enjoy it. If you're experiencing anything that has happened in this chapter or have, please don't stay in the dark. x  
> \- cleardays

The next day was even more hell than the last, because I got to the house, and all of the guys were staring at me. I checked my appearance before I stepped out to go and grab lunch, so it couldn't be that. I held onto my bag tightly, remembering the little disagreement we had the other day. I risked making eye contact with Dan, but he wasn't too interested. _That was fine. I didn't know why I expected things to work out anyway, I was hardly the optimist._

There was the same divide there had been when we all first met, but the gap, the space between us was even _bigger_ and _deeper_ than before. It frightened me, as did the silence.

"If you thought I ate too much, why didn't you talk to me about that?" Kyle suddenly voiced his opinion, and I turned to face him.

At first, I thought he was joking, but hurt was flashing in his eyes and he was being serious. I remembered not saying that, at the  very least, so I wondered where he had gotten all these ideas from.

"I didn't say that," I denied softly, and Kyle wasn't very happy.

Just as I was about to explain myself, the others were communicating with each other, and Will was ready to pipe up now.

"Out of us, I'm _really_ the last guy you'd sleep with?" Will wondered, and he looked more hurt than Kyle.

Their accusations were starting to get a bit ridiculous.

"I didn't say that," I protested, and it was starting to get repetitive now.

"Just like you didn't say I'm trying too hard because I spend too much time at the gym?" Woody called out.

I felt my legs go a little weak, because they were staring at me now. Feeling a bit upset that they weren't even listening to me, I left the house, sulking toward the nearest bus stop and hopefully a one way ticket out of the chaos. Those boys, my friends, they were giving me grief, and it certainly wasn't the good kind.

Hell, I tried calling my own sister, and she didn't even want to talk to me because she'd been speaking to Luna and Polly. Plus, she was furious because I'd supposedly sent her baby boy girl clothing, getting his name wrong by writing down the feminine version of it. Of course, I denied it, as I had been doing for the last two days, but she didn't believe me.

"I can't believe you. You were here for the birth. How ignorant can you be, Alayna?" she'd said to me, in our very brief phone call that lasted thirty seconds before she cut me off.

So there I was, having an afternoon drink, in the café, alone. I looked so sad that a couple of teenagers were laughing at me - at least, I thought they were, anyway. If they weren't laughing at how I looked, then I didn't know what the hell they were laughing at. _Yes, I totally needed teenagers giving me grief too._

Things went from bad to worse, because after having two drinks in the pub, the staff behind the bar refused to serve me. It was a tall looking blonde girl who had a face like a smacked bum, and I absolutely despised her. _Who the hell chose to wear bright green eyeshadow in this day and age? Hell, it was 2017, come on. We all tried our very best not to go around looking like rainforests._

"Sorry, Miss, you've had enough," she repeatedly kept on telling me, which only made my blood boil at higher pressure.

Just as I was considering whether to start a fight, a familiar face walked into the pub. To my dismay, it was my ex, Desmond. He smiled at me before taking my arm, because he must have heard all the commotion from outside. Without my permission, he dragged me outside the pub so I wouldn't make a scene.

"It was you, wasn't it? You made me lose my friends, my sister, the band," I accused.

Desmond laughed, and I just knew he was behind all of my misfortune. It was as if he was a bad luck charm or something.

"You're delusional," he said mysteriously.

He muttered something about making sure I got home safely, but I quickly got annoyed due to my broken relationships and being deprived of alcohol. I pushed him away from me and started walking off to wherever.

I got into my flat a couple of hours later, and it was about ten at night. I burst inside, flopping down on the sofa. Groaning, I had to get up again because I was getting all these headaches from the stupid flashbacks I'd been trying to shut out. Luckily, I was successful in shutting one out as I reached for something to calm my head.

That night, a mistake was made as I tried over the table in the living room, falling onto the sofa and taking painkillers. Soon, I felt myself drift off into sleep, not knowing the horrible events that were waiting for me.

**\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

I got a big shock when I woke up in a hospital bed, a machine staring at me in the face. Instantly, I began to freak out, sitting up and looking around me. I knew that there was someone in the room, but my vision was insanely blurry, until I began to focus. _It was the next morning. Had I been kept in overnight?_

It was my sister sitting next to my bed, holding my hand. Once she saw that I was awake, she smiled, and then her expression turned cloudy. I remembered hearing her mutter about how mum and dad weren't able to come, because they weren't in the country at the moment. Demi-Leigh looked a little stressed, and I was a bit alarmed to find her without her baby, and began to wonder where he was. _Bet he was crawling now._

The nurse saw me awake, and she started fussing over me, and when I started barking at her and freaking out, Demi-Leigh had to calm me down. The nurse wasn't too alarmed, though straightened up a bit and handed my sister a leaflet.

"I'm very sorry this has happened to you. Alayna, isn't it? Er, a young man found you at your flat unconscious..."

I zoned out a bit, and she went on to explain the effect that it had on my sister, and that she was crying or something, but I didn't understand. My eyes clocked the leaflet. _Wait a minute? Mental illnesses?_

"If you need any help or support from the hospital, let us know..."

The nurse left the room with a smile, and a couple of staff popped in and out, and I was free to go. Demi shoved a bag of clothes on me, and I changed into them. I figured it was just her at the hospital, and I was all changed and sitting on my bed, reading to leave when Desmond wandered into my hospital room.

There was a look of worry on Desmond's face, and due to complications, my sister smiled and greeted him happily when she saw him. He hugged me close to his chest, and I pushed him away from me.

"Get away from me," I hissed, and my sister looked at me in shock since she hadn't seen me act that way around him.

Desmond took it lightly, as if I was irritable from waking up in  a bed and a different room in clothes that weren't mine.

"Demi, I'll meet you outside, okay?"

I looked at my sister, and she didn't budge an inch because she was a right old stubborn battleaxe when she wanted to be.

"Lay-"

I gave her another look, and she said nothing, walking off down the corridor, disappearing into the smell of bleach and dying patients.

Just as I was about to deal with Desmond, the guys appeared, and I honestly didn't know what was going on, because I was still feeling hazy, and the nurse's voice had been so monotone and annoying that I hadn't really paid attention. It was obvious that they'd been waiting in one of the hospital for a while, because they all had coffee from one of the no-name shops. Woody hugged me immediately, and I pulled away from him.

"I don't understand. I'm going to...go to Demi," I said simply, and even looking back at that, there was a certain someone who told me I was very blunt that day.

The guys started looking at each other, deciding who should speak first. They always did that, even though they had their own voices. It was obvious that Mark was dying to say something, and my vision was a lot better now.

"Mixing alcohol with pills? Are you crazy?" Desmond said from behind me, which certainly didn't help matters.

I stared at them in disbelief, suddenly remembering the events that must have lead me to put myself in hospital. They were all staring at me, and my mind was suddenly kicked back into gear again.

"You think...I did it on...purpose?" I asked them all, feeling uneasy.

The guys started shifting around awkwardly, and nobody was saying anything, so I figured that answered my question. _They thought I tried to kill myself. How pathetic had I become?_ I pulled the leaflet the nurse had given Demi which she had stashed into my bag in disgust. _I wasn't crazy._

"It's not that, it's probably what _you_ drove her to do," Dan piped up all of a sudden, and my heart was racing.

All eyes were on Desmond, and he choked on the water he was drinking. My eyes were on Desmond too.

"Dan, that's a strong accusation," Mark warned.

There was a groan from Woody, and I instantly knew what that meant without even looking at him. Before I could stop him from ruining everything, he beat me to it.

"OK, he stalked her. He's done shit like this before."

There was a gasp from everyone except Desmond, and he was starting to look worried now because he hadn't banked on Woody pulling out that wildcard. He said nothing, turning his back on me and leaving the hospital.

Kyle shouted at the top of his voice, "Fucking pussy!"

I watched in awe as nobody shushed him. Really, we were in the corridor and all the nurses were staring. Ah, what a revelation.

As if on cue, Luna and Polly appeared. It was obvious that they'd been running, but Luna had always been the more athletic one. They both hugged me, though I shook them off.

"Alayna. We heard what happened, I'm so sorry for what I said," Polly apologised, though I just rolled my eyes.

Luna apologised too, but I stepped to the side of everyone.

"I don't really want to be here right now," I said, and everyone looked concerned because they'd taken it in the wrong way.

I started walking down the corridor when I heard the scuttling of feet. Dan got me by the arm and looked at me with his bright blue eyes.

"Listen, I'm here for you. I'm always here for you."

His words faded as I walked out of the hospital and toward my sister's car, and she was waiting with that bad-news face. Unfortunately, Mark caught up to me and he stopped me from getting inside and driving away from the loony bin.

"Look, for what it's worth, you can stay at mine," he offered.

Of course, my sister protested. I really didn't want her to take me to her house and that crying little infant.

"Thank you," I whispered, and he took my arm.

I made myself at home in Mark's flat, claiming his bed as my own and grabbing a load of snacks. He didn't seem to mind. I was a bit annoyed that he was watching me, though. The result was me getting all snuggled up in the blankets, staring at the walls.

For the next couple of hours, I ignored my calls from my sister and tried to absorb the information from all the movies I was watching, but the drama was just getting to me.

Before night fell, Dan came round, and I was shocked to find him without his man cardigan on. It was freezing cold outside, and all he was wearing was a white shirt. His hair was all wet, and he didn't want to make eye contact with me. Oh, he looked so gorgeous. _He must have been really cold, though he wasn't shivering._

"I know um, you're still confused about earlier, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't stop myself from seeing how you...are."

I listened to him, missing the sound of his voice, the sound of his words and all of the reasoning that came with them. I kind of missed human interaction, because watching Mark eat Pot Noodle after Pot Noodle wasn't very fun.

"That's thoughtful of you. I'm fine."

Obviously, I'd been relying too much on movies, because I expected us to kiss at that moment, but because I couldn't look into his eyes, the tension had disappeared. That was it. Kindly, Dan smiled at me. He was about to leave when it was clear that he remembered something. This time, he made eye contact with me.

"Come home," he urged.

That was all it took, and somehow, I was sitting in my old room with Will sitting opposite me with a book with the explanation that Dan didn't like leaving me alone. (He was just too shy to sit and guard me himself). Hell, it was awkward. I hadn't really talked properly with the guys for what felt like ages. Since our argument...

Due to telepathy, Will knew that I was overthinking things, because he dropped his book and reached out to touch my hand, and it made me look at him in a different way. Just that one time. It was a look of sincerity, not that he hadn't been sincere before, but it really was genuine.

"Hey. I'll worry for you, okay?"

He made me laugh, calming my nerves down a bit. I reckoned it would be a few days before everything got back to normal.

At least, I hoped so.

 


	21. Oil On Water, Not The Best Mix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some like, challenging feelings in and slightly disturbing/cringe references/moments. enjoy  
> (it's tagged, didn't want to spoil it too much)

On that same day Will was guarding me like a dog, I waited till he went out of the room and closed my door, sitting with my head resting against the wall and desperately trying to clear my head somehow. I wasn't sure whether I meant to or not, but closing my eyes, sitting how I was on the bed, it took me right back.

**\----- Flashback 3**

I was trying to get some light out of the closed blinds when all of a sudden, Dezzy came up from behind me. I yelped, turning around to face him, my hands tightly gripping the sink and watching him stare at me with an angry expression. Nervously, I started eyeing the bare cupboards I'd left open, and I drew some attention to them by faffing around randomly.

"Ah, we're running low on food," Desmond pointed out.

Somehow, I felt happy that he had noticed, though at that moment, I knew it wasn't normal to think that.

"I'll go get some," he offered.

I smiled at him, going to put on my coat when he gave me a funny look. I looked at him, wondering what was the problem. Lately, he'd had an obsession with the blinds being closed, and I was starting to wonder if he was a vampire. Then, he laughed at me, and it was a low laugh, making me uneasy.

"You're not going out, you're staying here," he ordered, and I stood where I was, frozen.

I didn't say anything, because he was being serious, and I was scared that we would get into another argument. Back then, I was trying my best to keep our relationship intact, so I chose to put up with it.

By the time I'd accepted his behaviour, I heard the sound of the door slam, and I could still hear it, even after he had left. Slowly, I took off my coat, and went back to the sofa, where I had spent pretty much the last two months upon coming home from work. _It was normal, I told myself_.

**\---------------- > Present Day**

_Exhale_. If I was going to keep myself sane, I couldn't remember. I just couldn't. _Inhale_. Thoughts were exploding off each other in my head. If I wanted to be strong, then I needed to embrace it, forget it or put it behind me. I wasn't the kind to dwell on things, but since coming out from the hospital, everything just became more real, less animated.

Hell.

It wasn't like I had Desmond on the brain either. Every now and then, when I wasn't fully invested in something, he would always find some way to creep back into my mind. They were usually bad memories, and what I found hard to believe was that we actually did have good times together. We had that week where we were curious after a celebrity did it, so we both used mayonnaise in our hair. We held hands, despite the weird looks from me befriending the cool aspiring photographer at school.

Why did I put myself through that shit? Looking back at it, I couldn't even think of a suitable reason. I mean, I knew why I had originally been attracted to him. Desmond was attractive, even after thee years. Not to mention his out-of-this-world photography skills. He had a partnership with a friend, and they mostly did wedding photos. Who wouldn't be attracted to him?

Why did he have a thing for me, even now?

Oh, he fed off the power.

**\--------- Flashback 4**

One evening, we were mean to be going out to a friend's dinner party. I didn't really see it as anything fancy, as we knew the host well. I stood in front of the mirror of our bedroom to check if I looked OK. When I was sure, I turned around to find my boyfriend staring at me. He came inside the room, looking at me seriously.

Regardless, I put my hands together and smiled at him, and he stood behind me, putting his soft hands on my covered arms. I looked at him, and we were both looking into the mirror. My, how we used to be the power couple. _Seems dead now, right?_

"Are you really going to wear this?" he asked me, out of the blue.

I felt a bit hurt by his question, but I convinced myself that we were a couple, and it was best to listen to each other when your partner was giving you advice. I took it with a pinch of salt, just smiling at my boyfriend again.

"I want to see you in something more revealing," Desmond said blatantly.

My face got a bit hot, and I was about to pick something else out to wear. We were going to be running late, and I wanted to tell him that, but I was scared in case it resulted in conflict, not that he was argumentative. Instead, Dezzy stepped in front of me, going into my wardrobe and searching for something for me to wear. Though it made me feel this weird, twisted emotion, I didn't say anything.

He laid the clothes out on our bed, and even though I wasn't really fond of the clothing choice, I changed into it to please him. We stepped outside the house, already ten minutes late. I followed after him in my heels, feeling unstable.

Getting into the car didn't get any better, because he kept sending shockwaves through my body as he drove us there. Occasionally, he would place his hand on my thigh, and since I was wearing a short dress, I felt every curve of his fingers. It wasn't that I didn't want him touching me, because Des was very subtle. I just felt different that night.

We arrived at the dinner party late, and Desmond didn't apologise. Naturally, I just assumed that we were in such a rush and he was tired from the drive that he forgot, so I apologised instead. A couple of friends were already sat, and they greeted us. I wasn't able to properly greet them like I usually did, because Desmond was holding me. It was a small thing, but I noticed him wrapping his arm around my waist a little tighter than he usually did, especially when we were around people. As seconds passed, I was slowly starting to feel more and more uncomfortable.

Not that I made a log of it.

**\-------------- > Present day**

It was as if the more I tried to push back the flashbacks, get rid of the past, the more my brain realised I was trying to pull wool over my eyes. My brain was forcing me to remember, forcing me to remember how he made me feel and all that he put me through.

However, I tightly pinched my skin. If I wanted to be strong, then I had to remember. I had to remember so that I would never, ever put myself in that kind of relationship, that kind of position ever again. It was a mistake not to be repeated.

Ever.

My head was pounding, and there was nothing I could do about it because since the guys were already super paranoid, Kyle had located every painkiller in the house and hid them in a secret location (he usually did that with food) though I was mad, after a while, I understood where he and the others were coming from. After all, they were only trying to support me, show me that they cared about me.

Caring.

**\---------------- Flashback 5**

I managed to pick up a job in a town about forty minutes away. Desmond knew it was in a different town and all, and he was happy I got a new job, but he didn't know how far it was from our shared flat, and I was scared of telling him in case of an argument. We had one the other day, and I felt bad.

I'd been working there for about three months, and I'd made two friends. Their names were Polly and Luna. They weren't smokers at all, which I liked, and overall, they were quite nice. Well, until it got onto the topic of boyfriends. We were outside on our breaks, and it was just us three. Polly was in a relationship, and Luna wasn't. It was with some guy called Jonas, and she was starting to despise him because he wore socks according to days of the week.

We were proper solid back then, should I say.

Then the conversation came back to my boyfriend, and I didn't mean to, but I froze. A strange emotion washed over me, and I felt a bit sad, because the emotion was telling me not to talk about him. I changed the subject, and were on about exchanging email addresses and stuff as well as phone numbers, and I looked around me.

"Um, sorry. I can't," I apologised, not really giving them a reason why.

Luna and Polly started blinking at each other, and at that moment, because I didn't know them very well, I was scared that they were going to start laughing at me, but they didn't. Instead, they exchanged concerned looks with each other and turned to me. Luna placed a hand on my arm.

"Is something going on with Des, Alayna? You always get so cagey when we mention it," Luna noticed, and Polly was nodding in agreement.

I said nothing and gulped, turning my back on them to go back into the workplace when Polly got hold of my arm, yanking me back toward them. At that moment, I had to face my fears, and I broke down in front of two girls I had only known for one fourth of the year. I literally, blubbing and crying in the town square, told them _everything._ I had nobody else to talk to, nobody else to judge my situation.

Polly gave me a serious look.

"Alayna. This is mental abuse. You need to leave him," she urged strongly, with Luna giving me a supportive nod.

I didn't even argue with her, or Luna, because they were right. I'd been giving into Desmond and how he had been treating me over the past year, and it was time to take to my heels and escape his clutches.

"Oil on water, come on, they're not the best mix," Luna assured me, and she was right, despite the dodgy metaphor.

That night, I did as they said, lying to my boyfriend's face and telling him I was making him dinner. Desmond left me alone that night, and I took it as my opportunity to start packing my things, and adrenaline was rushing through my body and I was excited to start my new life away from him, away from the monster I'd gotten stuck with.

It suddenly came to me that I had no idea where I was going to go, then I remembered my sister said she had a flat nearby that I was free to use. I had the keys to it and everything, and I could finally have the TV to myself as well. Instantly, I burst out of the house, practically running to my sister's old flat in case he caught me.

Even as I got settled in, I got a horrible shock when I woke up, because Desmond was standing outside the window of the living room, and I thought I was seeing things until he started knocking on the glass. When I refused to let him in, he got louder and louder, and I was scared my sister would come by and see him. Holding my hand to my chest, I drew the blinds, sinking against the wall, realising that I was a prisoner to him.

He waited outside almost every single day for two months. I was so scared that he was going to come in and pull me out by force. I had to rely on the canned food in my sister's cupboard, and waking up at silly times in the morning to get to my workplace, sleeping on park benches and setting alarms until it was time for me to go inside. I did everything I could to get away from him, until one day, my friends found out and were furious I didn't tell them.

The day it came to an end, I was hiding inside the flat, and Luna and Polly came by. They didn't ring the doorbell in case Desmond saw it as an opportunity. Polly started arguing with him, at first, and I was worried she was making it worse. Luna knocked on the door, and I let her in whilst Polly distracted him. I didn't question her as she grabbed an old picture frame of me and Desmond and took it outside with her.

In shock, I watched her arguing with him. Polly stood to the side, because she was worried about getting hit by Luna's constantly waving arms.

"You fucking creep! Do you get a kick out of watching her? Huh?"

"It isn't like that. I want to protect her-"

I'd never seen Luna get so angry before when Desmond started edging toward the house. She gave him two chances to step away, and we he stood his ground, I couldn't believe what she did next. Drawing her arm back, she hit Desmond with the picture. He staggered to the floor, knocked out cold. Her hands shaking, she looked at me and Polly for help.

Like we knew what to do, we all rushed inside the flat. Polly desperately searched for her keys, and we were all panicking that day.

"O-Oh God. W-What if I-I fucking killed him?" Luna stuttered, and her face was a wet mess.

Polly placed both hands on either side of her face and looked into her eyes. _We couldn't fall apart. None of us wanted to get caught for assaulting my ex boyfriend._ It worked, because Luna calmed down, and we got ourselves together.

We got into the area my workplace was in, and I stayed with Luna. We left Desmond unconscious. I didn't catch glimpse of him again until I checked social media the next day. He was posting, as normal, so we hadn't killed him.

Though, we left a scar.

**_\---------- Present day_ **

 

That scar, however, it healed. It healed now, now that I had remembered the past and embraced it. I needed my friends, and that was all that mattered. Polly, Luna, Bastille, Mark, my family - we were a good mix.

The best mix.

 


	22. Bye Bye, Lethargy

I woke up the following morning, ready to get out of bed, even though it was weird to see Woody all propped up against the wall, because he had been sleeping in my room overnight. After all that had happened, I just wanted to lay low for a couple of days. Luna and Polly wanted to know if I was okay, but I ignored their texts and I ignored my sister's calls.

The guys had a concert in London, and I took immediate interest. Of course, an offer was always extended out to me, and I really wanted to go, but I was sure that I would have to contact my sister or she would freak out. I'd never been to London, and the guys gave me funny looks. OK, so I was almost twenty six and had never stepped foot in London. So what?

Our method of transport was the tour bus. We had a driver for that, and I was happy that the band had an agreement to kick Desmond out of their lives, putting aside their own personal friendship with him for me. Still, the only thing that was bothering me was mine and Dan's relationship. I didn't really know where we were. We carried on acting how we used to be, and believed me, throughout the journey, I tried - but he had just gone off me. It had really knocked my self-confidence.

Whilst on our way there when I realised that Dan just wasn't interested anymore, I tried to occupy myself with other things. Luckily, I'd brought my camera along with me so I could take some close-and-personal shots with the great, historical London that stood before me. The population was thriving, and I never thought that I would see so many different types of people in one place, in many places. Hell, we even stepped into Trafalgar Square.

I couldn't explain the feeling of being in London. I suddenly felt really important, like I'd been employed as head photographer for the Queen or something. Every opportunity I got, I snapped picture after picture. The guys noticed it, though they didn't say anything. I just enjoyed it, because it kept me thinking.

On the second night of us staying in London, Mark and I were waiting for the guys after a concert, and I'd consumed alcohol under his supervision. I didn't know that I was drunk at the time. Mark stared at me, and it just all came out. I started sobbing, and he blinked at me. He reached out to put an arm around me, but he was the kind of guy to pause and think.

"H-He d-d-doesn't like me a-anymore," I sobbed, my voice shaking, remembering the events over the past week.

I mean, who would be interested in a girl who ended up in hospital because she ended up taking one too many painkillers and too much alcohol? This time, Mark didn't ask, and he pulled me closer to him, and I felt a sense of comfort.

"Alayna. I'm sure he does. Trust me," Mark coaxed, and his voice was kind of awkward.

I looked at him, questioning he knew who I'd been talking about. At that moment, it didn't really matter, because I didn't know that I was drunk.

The others came back some time later, maybe half an hour or so, and I was still snuggling against Mark, kind of covering him in a mix of tears and mucus. The guys walked in, and I looked at Mark, and he was mouthing something to the others, though I couldn't exactly make out what it was.

I remembered going upstairs to the second flour of the tour bus with Dan. We sat on one of the sofa beds, and he was staring at me. I didn't know what came over me, but I shuffled a little closer to him. Dan's cheeks flushed red as I lost my balance, and he steadied me by putting his hands on my waist. When I realised that all I'd done was embarrass myself, my confidence was knocked again.

We got into the position where I was sitting on my knees, and Dan was kneeling with his knees either side of me, and we were kissing. I couldn't remember clearly how it happened, but I was happy. Sometime later, I got the urge to take hold of his hands and left them hovering above my hips. I flashed him an inviting smile, and he was looking at me in a different way. His eyes were boring a hole into where my hips were. _OK, so he was considering it._ Dan didn't resist, and let me put his hands there.

Not many words were exchanged between us as we continued kissing, savouring each other after holding in our feelings again for so long. His hands circled my waist, and I truly was drunk. Suddenly, he pulled back from me.

"I'd love to take advantage of you, but I really can't," Dan whispered into my ear, making me smile.

"It's okay," I replied quietly, understanding where he came from, but was a bit disappointed.

After our little make-out session, we went to go and hang out with the guys downstairs, who surprisingly, didn't question us as to where we went and what we were doing. We played a couple card games, before indulging in a cheesecake. For the first time in my life, I saw Kyle turn his nose up at food, and I had to wonder what was going on with him.

Later on, we all arrived in the guys' original communal living home in London, and I was excited to be there. _So this was where All This Bad Blood began, huh?_ I looked around in amazement, despite it being midnight on a Tuesday. We were all pretty wiped out, so we just went straight to bed.

That night, it was noticeable that Kyle kept on getting up and going to the toilet. I didn't know what he was doing in there, but it certainly sounded like he was trying to throw something up, despite not having anything to eat all day.

The following day, we were all chilling out when Dan made up some thing about us going to find something, to which I went along with without question. We made our way into his bedroom, and he wrapped his arm around my waist, and we had a little make-out session again. I hated sneaking off to kissing him, but we didn't want the guys finding out straight away. As usual, we made our disappearances no longer than three minutes. We looked in the mirror, fixed our hair, and picked the item we claimed to have been looking for.

During the trip, I'd been really productive taking a load of photos, printing them out and storing them into a special album. I enjoyed what I did, and I based my pictures on events in my sequel to _Lost in a Wild World._ The more I looked at the pictures, the more and more they reflected Dan. Even my artwork. It was a male, looking out into the distance, staring at the wild world beyond him, and what it had in store for him.

I no longer felt lethargic. In fact, _bye bye, lethargy._

To kick things into gear, I swallowed my pride and called my best friend, Polly. I was scared that she was going to get annoyed that I hadn't bothered to contact her since the incident, but though she and Luna were worried about my wellbeing, she was very understanding. Polly let me know that she was going to contact me the following day, and she wasn't sure whether to invite me to her wedding or not. She mentioned how my "boyfriends" all had invitations as well as my sister.

The wedding was in a town nearby to my hometown, and though I told the guys that if they were busy, they could forget it, they happily followed me all the way there. I didn't want to draw the attention off the bride, so I just wore a pastel blue dress that flowed just under my knees. I stepped out of my flat, and I felt as if the guys were staring at me. Will beat Dan to it, and he escorted me to the taxi instead. Dan was mumbling about it throughout the entire ride, though we had a good laugh. It was weird seeing them all dressed up. Dan was complaining about it the most, though he looked super cute.

Upon entering the reception, there was music playing and there were loads of people just standing around, and I instantly felt a little sad. _Three years of knowing Polly and now she was getting married, now depressing. Where was my life going?_

There it was, that weird feeling again.

I focused back on the reception, taking note of all the nice flowers and all the photographers that were there. My eyes widened as I saw Polly cussing a couple of them, because they were too busy taking pictures of food as opposed to her and her husband. Without warning, she pulled me over and passed me a random ass guy's camera, expecting me to fill in. Without arguing with the crazy woman, I nodded and started snapping, taking everything into account.

After all, Polly looked amazing in that long, beautiful white dress and her brave attempt at natural makeup. Her hair was up, and though her veil was almost touching the floor, she still looked as elegant as ever. I even felt a pang of jealously, though I quickly got over it.

Seeing her get married just made me emotional, especially the vows. Luna and I were on the verge of crying our eyes out, but she was too busy eyeing up Will. She had admitted that she found him attractive, and I didn't let him know. _Love should happen naturally._ Though I wasn't sure if I was okay with it, Dan put his arm around me in the most friendly way possible, and I turned to smile at him.

Obviously, Polly dedicated a whole best friend dance on the dancefloor, and I reluctantly went up, everyone staring at me and Luna as we made our way over to her. Well, it all started off with us holding hands and jumping around like lunatics, following no sort of routine, and there was no structure. Halfway through, I didn't even care if people were staring, because these were my friends, and I was having a laugh with them.

Unfortunately, I ran into my sister and she grabbed my arm. When I wriggled away from her, she folded her arms, and her boyfriend stood beside her with little Rilo. After she'd finished with her little why-didn't-you-contact-me rant, she decided to throw the conversation into a completely different direction.

"I know about Desmond, babe. You should have told me."

And that was all it took for me to get really, really angry. I didn't know who told her, and I knew it was inevitable, but I just felt angry and upset that she knew. My sister was who I had been hiding it from.

"A-Ah, it's okay. It's all right, I'm fine. I'm going to get a bit of air."

Before she could stop me, I made my way outside the venue, and by this time it was very late and it was pitch black, but I managed to lean against the cold brick wall, feeling the low temperature of it seep into my skin. Suddenly, I closed my eyes, and I was back in that flat again. I was back there, in my day old clothes, afraid to go to the store to get washing machine tablets, afraid to get painkillers, bread, milk. In case he was there, in case he tried to make a grab for me.

Exhale.

Inhale, and I couldn't control my breath. The cold got into my lungs, forcing me to remember, forcing me not to come to terms with what had happened. My breath, it was getting shaky.

To my surprise, the next time I opened my eyes, Woody was staring right back at me, and by the look on his face, he was concerned and there was no way I could just lie myself out of what he had just seen. His eyes were wide. _Oh gosh, that certaintly didn't help my case._

The first thing in the morning, I found the guys discussing something, and Will had borrowed me one of his shirts, so I had been sleeping in it when I came out, shocked to find them all there. Quietly, I went back into my room to get changed into clothes which were less revealing. When I get ready for the day, I could tell that Kyle had been waiting for me. Curiously, I looked at him.

"Hey, I'm going out for breakfast, I figured you might want to come," Kyle offered, and I smiled at him for his consideration.

"Sure, that's nice of you," I thanked him.

Kyle told me to go on to the van. I nodded at him, shutting the front door behind me and hopping into the van. When I realised that Woody was behind the steering wheel, I tried getting out, but he had locked the doors. He gave me a hard look before driving to wherever he was taking me. _Kyle tricked me._

I was furious with Woody as he pushed me into my doctor's surgery, forcing me to see my GP. He even came inside with me, and since getting out the hospital, the nurse had strongly advised seeing one. I'd seen my GP once and he was assessing me for something, and I was meant to be getting the results or something. (I wasn't sure how the whole process worked).

We got inside the small, enclosed room with me and Woody sitting on one side and my doctor on another. My doctor looked at me very seriously, putting his hands together. In the movies, they usually did that whenever it was bad news. He gave me a piece of paper back with some details, following with a leaflet and a couple of _mental health hotlines._ I looked at him, my mouth open.

"I-I'm not. I'm not depressed."

"I'm sorry, Miss Pinson, but your actions...are showing all the symptoms of a depressed patient."

My doctor and Woody stared at each other in agreement, and I felt really angry with Woody taking me to see someone who was basically telling me I was crazy, not right in the head. I got a prescription and everything, and was told if I felt like it wasn't really working, then I was meant to come back.

As soon as we got out of the doctor's surgery, I turned to Woody, and he knew what I was going to say and that he couldn't exactly keep it a secret.

"I'm sure there's one person in your life worth telling. Maybe a guy?"

Something clicked in my brain, and I realised that he was right. I mean, though Dan and I weren't official, he did deserve to know a small snippet of what was going on. I thanked Woody.

When we got home, I couldn't hold it in so I grabbed Dan, and I decided to talk with him in his room because I didn't want to freak him out. I didn't really explain, I just took the things the doctor gave me and placed them on his work desk.

"Ah, Alayna. I'm so sorry," he apologised instantly, and I supposed that that was the only thing one could say in that kind of situation.

Instantly, he threw his arms around me, and we shared a passionate, warm embrace. His body was so nice against mine.

"I-I'm here for you, you know. Always, whenever."

"Thanks, Dan."

Before I left the room, he gave me something. It was something in a little bag, and I opened it up, revealing a beautiful bracelet, but entirely different to the one I had received in the past. With a grin, I stared at him, thanking him. After giving the bracelet to me, he leaned in to kiss my lips gently, and I returned the kiss.

Maybe somewhat lethargic, anyway.


	23. Whistling a Melody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the story gets mature, just to warn you  
> I know it's cringey. It's my first scene, thanks for reading anyway

  
During the morning, Dan wasn't the most active of people, but he would almost always hum a tune, and it was usually one of the songs he'd written. Sometimes it could be from _All This Bad Blood_ and other times, it could be from _Wild World,_ but I recognised the song as soon as he started singing it. Halfway through, anyway.

_You might have to excuse me,_

_I've lost control of all of my senses_

_You might have to excuse me,_

_I've lost control of all of my words_

I caught him midway through the next line, and he did nothing but smile at me and act as if I hadn't seen him singing one of his own songs. _My little narcissist. Ah, good grief._

At that moment, I desperately wanted to run up to him and hug him and kiss him, but a sleepy Kyle emerged from his room, getting a bowl out of the cupboard, opening the fridge and pouring orange juice into a bowl instead of cereal. Despite us trying to warn him, he put the cornflakes in and started eating a bowl of orange juice and food as if it was normal. I didn't think he even noticed as he was eating it, either.

Like normal people, Dan and I started making breakfast. We decided on bland pancakes since Will complained of food with any flavour in it. (Despite that, he still had high blood pressure, so weird.) Whilst I was serving up, Dan stopped, made eye contact with me and  smiled. He looked so hot, standing there, his messy hair wrapped up in a blue bandana. I watched as he laughed to himself.

"Mark, he really doesn't like touching you."

I gave him a funny look, wondering what he meant. When he realised I hadn't taken it the way I was meant to, Dan put his hand to his mouth and smiled slightly.

"You're like a little sister to him, you know."

I nodded, understanding what he had meant. I finished serving up the pancakes and went into Will's room. He hadn't gotten up all morning. Usually, when I woke up lately, he would be on watch-Alayna duty. First attempt, I poked him resulting in no response. Second attempt resulted in a groan. The third, he opened his eyes and woke up.

I noticed that his Halloween costume was on the floor, so I picked up the white and red stripey top and dangled it in front of his face with a massive grin on my face.

"Where's Will?" I joked.

Will gave me one dirty look before swiping it from my hands, rubbing his eyes and waking up fully. He mumbled something under his breath before thanking me for the extra bland pancakes we'd just made him.

"I'll have you know, I'd make a good Wally," Will argued.

Rolling my eyes, I got up and went out of his room. I topped up the food in the kitchen and went into Woody's room. As usual, the creep was awake with no blinds drawn and no lights on. He sat in his usual position, crossed legged on top of the bed with his hands together, accepting the pancakes as if he was going to sacrifice them for Satan.

Once the guys had their fill of pancakes, they all mysteriously left to go out for dinner later on in the evening without letting me and Dan know.

Unexpectedly, we had the whole house to ourselves, and I was planning to sort out some photos until Dan came wandering into my room. Dan's look went right through me. Gently, he took my hands, squeezing them tightly and studying me with those dazzling, crystal blue eyes of his. I suddenly felt the romance we had been trying to discover over the past few weeks, and I just wanted more of it.

In a few seconds, his hands slipped from mine, and he was edging me closer toward the wall. It took my breath away slightly, and I was looking at him now. I knew what it was, but did I just go along with it?

He bent his head down so that his soft lips could meet mine for a kiss. Naturally, I returned it, and Dan snaked an arm around me, and I felt comfortable with what we were doing. Sometimes on purpose, our tongues met each other and wrapped around each other. It just felt so right that I had to continue. I let him lead me, my back pressing against the wall.

Though I could feel his hands shaking, he did his best to use them to feel the shape of me. I could tell he was a bit nervous, so I gave him a shy smile to show him that I was too. We continued to taste each other until we reached the bed, where there was some awkward communication as to who would go where, but we got there in the end.

The next time I opened my eyes, I was lying on the bed with Dan on top of me, trawling his hands through my hair and kissing me passionately like the world was going to end any second now. Though my heart was thumping so hard against my chest, I ignored how hot I was getting and focused on what we were doing, which was returning my affection. He snaked hands to my torso, and we were looking at each other again.

All I did was nod, and his hands were under my shirt. I raised my head to look at him, feeling happy he'd finally gotten the balls to touch me. I experienced a nice, enjoyable feeling as he ran his hands over my bra, circling my stomach. A couple of times, I giggled, and this only amused Dan more. Feeling more comfortable with it, I let him take my shirt off, (except that it was a bit of a fumble and my hair did get stuck and we had to spend three minutes sorting it out) and he was blushing now.

"Oh. Oh wow," Dan gasped.

Shyly, I looked at him, feeling my face burn as soon as I realised that there wasn't really any going back now. We couldn't be friends, not if he'd seen me in my bra like that.

He pulled me closer to him, and we shared a long kiss before his hands were on my back. In our love-drunken states, we made eye contact with each other, undressing each other. Then, we were just staring at each other. (I watched him awkwardly trying to get a condom on, too.)

When we were ready, my heart was racing, because I looked up at him and he was grinning at me. Once again, I nodded, and he pushed himself inside me.

"Dan," I moaned, feeling absolutely overwhelmed with pleasure.

He looked back at me, grinning. Dan leaned forward so that his soft, warm lips were level with my right ear.

"Alayna," he whispered sexily.

That night was the most remember able, because Dan managed to kiss every inch of my skin and make me feel wanted. When we really were invested, I would run my hands through his hair, and he would whisper into my ear how much he wanted me, and all the things he wanted to do to me.

The following morning, I woke up going insane. Well, before I went insane, I woke up with a half naked Daniel Smith in my bed, and he had an amazing sleeping face from what I remembered from last night, but when I woke up - he was _awake._ My heart skipped a beat when he looked at me, pulling my body closer to his. _Oh gosh, he looked so cute in the morning that it was sending chills up my spine. I can't believe we actually slept together._

To my surprise, he gave me a morning kiss, and I returned it.

Shortly after, that, I started going crazy. I realised that the guys probably would have noticed that Dan wasn't sleeping in his room, and it wasn't like him to disappear. Dan gave me one of his shirts to wear, so I wore it, tying my hair up. I was super frightened.

"The guys, they'd be okay...with it, right?" I asked him, my heart pumping even faster than it had been a few seconds ago.

Dan chuckled, reaching out and twisting a strand of my hair around one of his long, pale fingers.

"To be...honest, they probably already know. I guess," he figured, which certainly didn't make me feel any better.

Rolling my eyes, I had a peek into the living room by just so slightly opening the door. To my annoyance, Dan was still in bed, so I gestured for him to get dressed. Though he wasn't too happy about that, he did as I said, and I opened the door, speeding into the kitchen trying to act all natural.

Kyle, Woody and Will were scattered throughout the living room, and they were all staring at each other. _Don't tell me-_

"WOOO!" Kyle hollered, running around the room.

Well, I guess that he just couldn't hold it in. Woody and Will were having a heated discussion about a bet they made, and Will wasn't paying up, so I just watched with amusement. Dan emerged from my bedroom, with wild hair, rubbing his eyes. Woody looked at us standing together.

"About fucking time, guys," Woody mumbled.

I smiled at the guys awkwardly, happy that they weren't against the idea. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hold hands with Dan yet, but he made his mind up for me. He held my hand as he made me a cup of tea.

"See? This is why we should all listen to me more often," Will had to point out, and everyone laughed.

Even after the guys found out, I still couldn't believe that Dan and I had finally expressed our true feelings for each other. _I didn't even know that I liked him like that. From the first day that I met him, it wasn't from then._

It was a month until Christmas, and I was excited about looking to the future with Dan. I really liked him, honestly. Everything was going perfectly until me and the guys were sitting in the living room, and Kyle decided to turn the radio on despite our protests.

_A woman, aged twenty five was found dead at her house in the early hours of Wednesday morning. Police aren't treating her death as suspicious, they believe her name to be Linda Dawn Green..._

My eyes widened, and I instantly reached for my phone. The guys wondered why I was acting like that, but it was important. _Wait...that woman, I was sure..._

To get some privacy, I went into my room and left the person I contacted a voicemail. Two weeks later, they responded and said that the funeral was the following day.

There we all were, dressed in black, despite being at a wedding less than a month before. We hadn't said a word to each other that morning, none of us. We were in a tricky position.

Desmond was at the funeral, and I had no choice but to go up to him, some tears for her in my eyes. I threw my arms around him, and he appreciated my support as he weakly hugged me back. He was so stiff, so lifeless. My sister stood nearby with a somber expression on her face.

"I'm sorry about your sister," I expressed my condolences.

"It's...fine y-you're h-here now," he said, sobbing, and I felt guilty.

I shouldn't have left things they way I did at the hospital. Honestly, I felt so bad. I felt bad that for some time, I had refused to get along with my sister. What if she was lying in the ground now?

I understood why Demi had reacted the way she did at the hospital. At the wake, I gathered the courage to go over to her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realise how you felt at the hospital. I didn't mean to put you through that," I apologised.

Demi smiled at me, putting her arms around me and telling me that I was being silly, though I did feel better that I apologised.

About the having no choice. It was just that myself and the band were too close too Desmond not to come. The guys exchanged words with him, but very little. Mark found me at the wake and pulled me aside.

"You alright?" Mark wondered, and he did genuinely look concerned.

With a smile, I nodded, feeling happy that he asked me if I was okay.

"Yeah," I answered honestly.

Some time passed, and I went over to Desmond to see if he was okay. I narrowly avoided a conversation with his mother earlier, I was still frightened of her after all those years. Desmond was drinking something out of a glass. He looked at me with an expression I'd never seen before. It was gentle, a touch of caring.

"The guys, it's Dan, isn't it?" Desmond figured, though I knew him well enough to tell that he didn't mean it in a bad way.

Realising that somehow, he knew, I gulped and felt a bit uneasy. He could do anything with that kind of information, selling a story to get money. I was worried that he was going to threaten me, because that was what he usually did.

"That's nonsense," I denied it, not thinking.

Desmond rolled his eyes and finished his drink. I didn't know how, but he knew that I was lying, for definite this time.

"We can always discuss this somewhere else," he suggested.

Looking around, I noticed that the guys were too busy talking to spot me slipping away somewhere. I took advantage of that and followed Desmond to a little store cupboard. At first, I left the door open, but people were walking past. I had to cut my ties with him quickly.

"Desmond, what do you want?"

There was a pause followed by a smirk.

"I want to know, why him?"

Without any warning, he advanced toward me. He knew that people were walking by would occasionally stare, but that didn't faze him. I was starting to feel nervous now. _I should have never agreed to talk with him._

As if on cue, Mark walked by and saw what was going on. Without saying anything, he placed his hand into the small of my back, guiding me away from Desmond and mumbling to himself about what a waste of space my ex-fiancé was. I had to thank him, though.

I really did.


	24. The Shame

Though, for some reason, that look in Desmond's eyes made me stay put. I told Mark that I was fine, and although he was hesitant, he walked away.

Desmond seemed confused. I crossed my arms and I looked at him. His faces was starting to get red, and he was looking across the room, like he was thinking about something. I felt as if there was something that he wasn't telling me, and it really scared me. Perspiration was dripping down his forehead, and even in his black suit you could see through him.

I'd never been able to do that, not ever, not before.

In a rush, Desmond sped off. I took to my heels and followed him, navigating my way through the crowd and apologising to people that got in my way. I didn't want to call his name and make a big deal out of it, but there was something wrong. How desperate he had been to get away from me.  
  
Unfortunately, Dan caught me mid-chase and thought I was just rushing to grab a slice of cake. He approached me with a smile. We hadn't discussed how we were meant to act in public. After all, it was Desmond's sister's funeral. If their parents saw us, then there would be questions I didn't want to answer. I wasn't ready to face that, and I hadn't seen them in many, many years.

My worst fears came to me, because Desmond's parents clocked eyes with me, and they came over to me. His mother always had that hard stare on her face, despite her being really nice, which only made things even more messed up. Her name was Ethel, her hair had always been a weird shade of a red brown (I'd never asked if it was natural or not) and her smile was crooked. Desmond's father was a very tall man, he wore glasses and his name was Phil. The reason why I had been afraid of approaching him was because of his height.

At this point, Dan recognised them and pretended to disappear somewhere. The next second, Ethel straightened up a bit, dusting off her long black coat. Though there was pain in her eyes, I remembered her being the one who would always pull through.

"Desmond," she called with a gentle enough tone, so that everyone didn't stare.

That was all it took. Desmond hesitated before coming over, putting on that fake ass smile that he always did.

"You didn't tell us Alayna would be here," Ethel mentioned, now in a warning, more low tone.

Even Phil looked a bit nervous. Right then, I put myself in Desmond's shoes and thought of how I would reply, but even theoretically, it was impossible. Desmond was proving my point right because he was looking around the room again, wiping his clammy hands on his trousers. It was something he wouldn't normally do. My ex was well composed.

"Well, I'm sure it slipped my mind, _mother_ ," Desmond replied, stressing out the last word.

Ethel relaxed slightly, and she looked at Phil, though he continued to keep his mouth closed. _It was a funeral, there was bound to be some tension. I wasn't one to comment on what might be the cause of it, either._

"It's a shame things...didn't work out, you know. Between you two," Phil added.

 

Ethel and I shared similar looks, because we hadn't been expecting him to say anything. Regardless, it was a conversation, and it involved another person, meaning I had to reply. _Great, now I really was in Desmond's shoes._

"Yes, it's a shame," I agreed.

I took that as my cue to go, so I placed a hand on Desmond's arm, squeezing it and looking him in the eye.

Throughout the rest of the evening, I was awfully distracted. Every one of the guys had managed to talk to Desmond except Woody. I thought it was fair enough, because he had assaulted him. _Slightly, but he deserved it - and to be embarrassed in front of other people, but a funeral was no embarrassment._

Dan and I spent most of it talking, and when nobody was looking, he would hold my hand under the table, staring at me with _those eyes._ Though he was staring at me, and everything was great between us, I saw Desmond leaving the venue out of the corner of my eye, and I just couldn't ignore it.

Instantly, I got up and Dan gave me a puzzled look. _Right, of course he would be confused. He wasn't me, he didn't have an insight into my thoughts._

"Desmond, he's finding things hard. I should go after him," I observed.

Luckily, Dan believed me and didn't protest. Quickly, I sped after Desmond, hoping to catch him as he went outside. Once I saw him, I started walking behind him so he didn't realise I was following him. What I did was run up to him and call him name.

Even after all these years, it was enough to make him stop.

"Desmond. Please. Something isn't right with you, please tell me," I begged him, my heart thumping against my chest.

He sighed. Without saying anything, he walked ahead, and I guessed that he wanted me to follow him.

So I did.

We ended up standing, facing each other in a decent hotel room. I tried to ask why he was staying in a hotel, but he didn't reply. Obviously, he didn't really want to talk to me since the hospital incident and everyone had found out what he was really like. What broke the silence was Desmond's nose bleeding. When I tried to help him, he attempted to swat my hands away, but that didn't faze me.

As fast as I could, I rushed to the small hotel bathroom, coming out of it with a whole roll of toilet paper. I crouched, holding the tissue up to his nose. His eyes, they were so empty, two pools of sorrow, suffering, shame. It was shame, definitely. I took to his bleeding nose as he just sat there, staring into the darkness. When the nosebleed was heavier than one I had ever witnessed before, I stood up, thinking of what was best to say.

"You're off your head, aren't you?" I figured, and it was a pretty good assumption.

There was silence, and I had expected that.

Then, a chuckle from Desmond. Not just one, but a couple, and he wiped his slightly sweat stained face with his hands.

"Off my head? You'd like that, wouldn't you?" he assumed, and I pulled a disgusted look at him.

After all this time, I couldn't believe he would just give up like that. Sure, he was a prick at times, but I cared about his well being, some of it, anyway. In fact, I would have liked him being high. It was the shining piece of evidence I needed to finally kick him down, to make him fall, fall far from grace. _I just wasn't that person._

"Desmond, I don't want...you...d-doing this," I expressed, feeling my emotions take a shift in the directions that I didn't want them to.

For a moment, the look on his face was entirely sympathetic, but at the drop of a pin, he could switch, and it turned into a mocking stare.

"I don't want you banging Dan, we don't all get what we want," Desmond divulged.

In that moment, I held my breath, trying to count to ten, get my thoughts together and question how he had known. Dan and I were very, very careful whenever we went out in public, so how would he know? _I should have known he would have been able to guess, he knew me better than any other human being._

Stuck in a rut, as we always were.

Calmly, I got up and eyed the door, though I felt a hand wrapped around my wrist. It had been an awfully long time since he had touched me in that way, so it drew my attention to him immediately. Desmond raised his head, and his eyes were devouring me. They were wide, somewhat desperate, lustful, vulnerable.

I'd never seen him like that before.

"Stay...with me," he croaked, his voice was broken.

It made me sit down and reconsider things. I didn't even look at him, I just sat down, and I stayed where I was. We looked at each other and nodded.

Hours later, I returned to the communal Bastille household, and Dan was not very happy at all. He was standing in the living room with his arms crossed, frantically looking at his watch until I walked in. As soon as I arrived, I was dreading what he was going to say. Dan and I had argued properly before, I hated it.

"Where the hell have you been? Do you know what time it is? Have you checked your phone? A clock? Anything?" Dan immediately questioned me, which didn't help matters.

I sighed and thought about explaining myself, but he probably wouldn't understand and it would only make things worse. I figured it would be okay to tell him, I just hoped that he would understand.

I started strongly with, "Desmond, he isn't-"

Until Dan interrupted me.

"Desmond. It always comes back to him, doesn't it?

I opened my mouth to protest, though I had been doing that a lot lately and I was starting to wonder whether it was always a good idea.

"Dan..."

It wasn't like I could tell him what was going on with Desmond. It was a sensitive matter, it was something that went years back. I couldn't tell him straight away, no matter how much I might have wanted to.

"As long as he's in your life, how can I compete?" Dan wondered, and hurt flashed in his eyes.

Instantly, I was hit with pain and guilt. It was the way he was looking at me, and I didn't like it. He turned his back on me, running his hands through his hair and disappearing into his room. _I didn't mean to make him feel insecure._

I felt so bad that I needed to resolve things.

At about three in the afternoon the following day, I made a journey to my original hometown. I made sure to go by bus so that I was distracted by all the background noise. I wanted to clear my mind, and to do that, I had to not think about what I was going to do. Looking out of the window of the moving death trap, my eyes widened when I saw the park. It was still as big as it used to be. My curiosity only made me more sad, because the memories hit me.

I jumped off the bus, making my way toward the park. My feet, they were just taking me there, I couldn't control them. Nobody really walked through the park anymore, not since a schoolboy and a couple others were murdered there over the years. Not to mention all the myths about it, but it didn't matter to me.

I made my way inside. Desmond was standing in the abandoned park, sitting on the swings. I thought about going over to him. I didn't want to leave him in his current state, but things really needed sorting out. The swings cried out from the pressure he was putting on them and from the strong gusts of wind which did damage to my hair.

Unexpectedly, he got up, standing a few metres away. I noticed how he started walking backwards, digging the heels of his trainers into the ground, dragging his feet, making a visible line between us.

There we stood, facing each other. The slide, the swings, they were all watching us - even the recently built merry-go-round. We were stood, I tapped back into my memories, hoping to get to the place I wanted to be. We had once walked hand in hand, enjoying the romantic feel of the roses, the colourful feeling of the tulips and the earthy feel of the grass underneath our feet. That was gone, as was everything else.

Just looking at him, all I saw was a broken man. How could he do it? How could he do it to me, to everyone that cared about him? As much as I wanted to say something, what more was there to say?

It was as if the line was a stream, constantly circulating the bad blood between us. The stream, it was wet, moist, thick and staining the ground with blood. Blood that, even after a long time, still hadn't dried.

Oh, he wouldn't let it dry.

We stood, facing each other. Waiting if one of us would speak, throw insults around, accuse the other. No words were exchanged between us. I moved my hair from my face, and he stared at me, his look cold, emotionless, empty.

His eyes, they were full of shame.

Seconds later, without saying anything, we went our separate ways. Well, except that I followed Desmond. I didn't know how we knew each other would be there, but it was just an old tradition, it was hard to explain. I just had to follow him.

Desmond made his way down the dirty streets, looking around him. We were quite some distance away from my original hometown, but not that far away from his hotel room, so I ditched the streets, caught a bus and waiting in the lobby.

Of course, he wasn't too surprised to see me waiting in the hotel lobby, because he walked straight past me. Regardless, I followed him, even though he was walking quite quickly. I felt a pang of repetition, being inside his hotel room again, especially when I wasn't meant to be anywhere near him after my fight with Dan.

Immediately, I clicked my fingers, and he turned around to face me. Had it gotten to the point where he just didn't care anymore?

"Trying to get my attention, Alayna?"

It was unbelievable what happened next. I didn't see it coming, but I took a step, miscalculating my footing, causing me to trip. Desmond leaned forward so suddenly, holding me up.

For the past few months, he'd reach out and touch me. A hand on my arm, my shoulder. They were small things, but they were starting to add up, because they brought back memories. Back then, the worst thing had been that the intimacy we shared was so raw and amazing that it was hard to explain, hard to put a finger on it.

There we were, holding each other.

"I should...go," I realised, assessing the situation.

Without a word, he looked at me as if he understood, which was awfully surprising from my ex. I thought that he would do anything to, as he said - get me back in his bed.

The following day, I made arrangements to meet Desmond, and I was half an hour early. Unfortunately, Luna and Polly happened to be in the same place, and I was worried about when they would leave and if they would notice me. It was too late, because they clocked eyes with me and came marching over to me. They saw the look on my face, and I knew I couldn't keep all of my secrets from them.

"Desmond...and I, we had a moment. I just..." I trailed off, afraid of what they were going to say about it.

"Stop seeing him. I know you're worried, but you just can't go back there," Luna commanded, and even though she was being bossy, I knew she was right.

We sat down and talked in the cafe's little plastic seats that we deserved, as we weren't paying them a penny for their most likely cold coffee and stale cakes. _As if they could call what they served lemon drizzle cake._

Unfortunately, I seemed to have forgotten about the time, and almost twenty five minutes passed of us talking how we used to, before my supposed suicide attempt, before Desmond came back into my life. He turned up, stood in the doorway with his mouth open once he saw me and my friends sitting together.

Oh, no.

Quickly, I got out of my seat and chased after a fast speed-walking Desmond. He seemed pretty annoyed. I called his name twice, and we stopped in the middle of the street. It was clear that he was _still_ off his head. His pupils were massive, his face was starting to get a bit red.

"So you thought you'd get your little friends together? To what, to gang up on me? Like the last time?" Desmond questioned me, and I didn't like the way he was doing it.

Though we were arguing, we were in the middle of the street and people were walking by and staring at us.

"It wasn't like that, they just happened to be there. I want to talk, please believe me," I denied, though he scoffed at me.

Simply, he turned around and started walking quicker than he had been before. I practically had to run to catch him, and we were coming to that isolated bit of street (kind of) where the Bastille household was. To my surprise, he knocked on the door, and I stood behind him, my heart thumping. _I wasn't meant to be seen with him like this._

Kyle opened the door with a grim expression on his face, and they shared a short conversation. They guys and my ex had arranged for Desmond to pick up some things, since he did used to work with them. Desmond went inside, and when I saw Mark there, worry started growing inside of me.

Of course, the guys wanted to protest, but Kyle put his finger to his lips and proceeded into his room where he gathered some of Desmond's stuff.

"Will you at least hear me out?" I asked Desmond, and quietly so that nobody would overhear too much of our conversation.

He shook his head, which I hadn't expected. I watched him, where he sat. Mark, surprisingly, greeted him, but Desmond was frozen, looking into the distance. Mark and I exchanged strange looks.

"Fine. Fine, I've had enough," I declared.

Everyone in the room was staring at me.

"Tell me, and everyone else in the room, that you aren't on drugs," I demanded.

Desmond scoffed again as if I was going insane. I believed that I was going insane too, or at least I hoped I was. I wanted to believe that he wasn't the type of person to abuse his health, and I hoped that I had been wrong. Everyone was paying attention, because they had stopped their conversations.

My ex gave me that warning look, but it didn't hide the same in his eyes.

"TELL ME!" I screamed at him, my throat growing sore.

It didn't faze Desmond, because he got up, constantly sniffing and rubbing his face with his hands and looking around the room.

"What the fuck is it to you? What has it ever been to you?"

Suddenly, he rushed past me, and out of the house, leaving the front door open. Mark and Dan got to there feet now, and Kyle came out of his bedroom with some of Desmond's things, feeling confused.

Despite exposing my ex boyfriend in front of the people closest to me, it just wasn't enough. I had to make him realise what he was doing, how it was damamging him and how it was affecting everyone else around him. Though, most of all, I had realised something as I followed after him onto the street.

"You were doing this when we were together," I yelled out loud.

There was no reply from Desmond, who had stopped at the end of the street. He was listening, but he sure as hell wasn't replying. The fact that he was doing it while we were together meant that the person I had once seen had not been him at all. _It had all been the drugs, hadn't it?_

When I was about half the distance away from him, I stopped too. Mark and Dan were behind me.

"And what happens when you overdose? All the people, all the things you leave behind," I reminded him, and even though we all didn't want to communicate with him, we were still here.

There was one thing I had never seen Desmond do. I saw it with my own eyes. He rotated so that he was facing us, and he was crying. We couldn't hear it, but that only made it more effective. I knew my words were harsh, but it was what he needed to hear, what needed to be said.

"I can take the...shame. I'm sure...you can...pick up the pieces for me," he said slowly.

Desmond turned around to start walking again, but he had to place a hand on the wall nearest to him because he was staggering.

He ended up in hospital that same day.

It was all, all my fault.

 


	25. The Anchor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how the story is going and how people are throwing out kudos
> 
> I feel very bad for what is going to happen in this chapter. If you don't like surprises, lol, then  
> It's a distressing one and it might bring up difficult feelings (I didn't wanna spoil by tagging it)

I went against everyone's wishes and visited Desmond in the hospital. He was fine, but the nurses were really concerned about him. They recommended a good rehabilitation programme, though it was Desmond's choice. I wanted to convince him.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of calling Mark that day, before I went to the hospital. He'd left me a voicemail, wanting to know if I was alright. Casually, he turned up at the hospital, acting as if he was just passing by. Because I'd replied to the email so early in the morning, he _just knew._ I couldn't explain it, because Mark was basically psychic. 

"Alayna, can I have a word with you?" Mark asked gently, as Desmond was standing behind me.

Looking at Desmond, he nodded and went back into his room, sitting on the bed with his overnight bag and nothing else left in his eyes.

Politely, Mark took me aside, and I had to thank him for not making a big scene in front of Desmond because I didn't want to unsettle him. Nervously, I looked at Mark, wondering what he was going to say. There was a different look in Mark's eyes, full of worry, concern. It was different to how he had looked at Dan that day. _Well, everyone did say I was like a little sister to him. We had known each other for a year._

"I want you to be honest with me," Mark expressed, looking over his shoulder as if a pack of dogs were chasing him.

Slowly, I nodded, and I could only prepare myself for what was going to happen next. I closed my eyes for a moment and the thought came to me: _hadn't I been in the exact same place many times before?_

"Has he ever laid his hands on you before?"

Anxiously, I combed my hair out of the way of my face with my fingers, feeling them getting all sweating, and my heart was thumping, ready to jump out of my chest, tell him in the truth. I had no choice but to look away from him. If it was anyone, Mark would find out about the other big reason I had left. The reason I hadn't even told my friends three years ago.

"No," I replied, and firmly at that.

As expected, Mark scoffed. Then, he laughed. Next, he looked at me with his eyes as cold as can be, sending a chill down my spine. It was how a teacher looked at you when you failed a test when everyone else passed and the grade boundaries were really low.

"He has, hasn't he?" Mark figured.

I turned away from Mark, feeling some of the nurses and staff stop and stare at our rather intense conversation in the middle of the hospital corridor. _I'd been there before._

"I-I can't d-do this here," I stammered, getting upset.

Quickly, I made my way back to Desmond's hospital room and grabbed his overnight bag. He said nothing as I led him out of the hospital.

We got back to his flat, the flat we used to live into together. It was my first time back there in three years, and I thought I could handle walking back in there, but my feet began to feel heavy and my head was clouded with the memories of living there with him. Sleeping in the same bed with him, showering with him, sleeping with him, letting him touch me. _I can't believe we were like that once, it was horrible to think that._ Looking at him now, all he did was make my skin crawl.

Anyway, I got him settled in, making his bed for him and cooking some food for him. I called for him to get something to eat, and a more, what I guessed was somewhat sober Desmond emerging from the bedroom and into the kitchen. I had it served up and everything, though I didn't really go to that much effort.

I sensed him lurking over my shoulder, so I turned around to face him. He was looking at me, and his eyes were less wide than they had been before. I asked him if he wanted something to eat, and all he did was stare at me. _Honestly, going to all of that effort._

"I don't want that," he protested, barely looking at me.

Unexpectedly, he took a step toward me, and I took a step backward, my back almost touching the wall. Desmond put one hand to the wall, and he was towering over me. My heart was beating so fast. I raised my head to look at him.

"I want you."

Desmond was eyeing me now. Quicker than I had anticipated, he got hold of me, and feeling his hot hands on my waist made my heart race. Dan was still in my mind. _I couldn't, not matter how much he was trying to tempt me into his arms._ My breathing was shaky. Just looking at Desmond, our past, all we had shared, I was considering it. No words were exchanged between us.

All of a sudden, he squeezing me tightly and I cried out. _It was just like the last time._ His hands were glued to my waist.

"Desmond. Desmond, please," I begged him.

He was blocking me out, not listening to me because he lowered his head into the dip of my neck, landing passionate kisses upon it. _I hated it when he did that, I hated him touching me like that._ He sent rushes throughout my body, and I didn't like it.

Tightly, he got hold of my wrist, pinning me to the kitchen table. It was strong, wooden. I was screaming by the point he had pinned me down, towering over me by holding my fists down onto the cold table surface, and no matter how many times I called him name, to tell him what he was doing was wrong, he ignored me - the same way he had with those empty eyes like last time he had tried to have power over me. His body was so heavy on top of mine, and any time now...

My attention was focused on the alarm clock on the side, and I counted the seconds, the seconds he had his hands on me, digging into my wrists. I was already sobbing by that point, hoping my tears would make him change his mind. He was tugging at my clothes. We struggled, and I was doing my best to keep him off me, but my efforts were going amiss.

Then, I heard the sound of the front door bursting open. I didn't even understand at first, because I could barely see with _him_ on top of me. There was a bit of noise, and there was a figure pulling Desmond off me, helping me up and putting me aside. When I realised that it was Mark, I thought things would be okay, but he started getting Desmond up against the wall.

"Mark, Mark. Don't hurt him. Mark, please," I begged him, because knowing that ex of mine he would be filing for assault the next morning.

Reluctantly, Mark let go of him and led me outside, where I had some explaining to do. He gave me his jacket, and I wore it over my shoulders and he walked me home. _He'd seen what just happened, I couldn't deny it._

I walked into the current Bastille household, walking inside and getting my things. Obviously, the guys saw the look on Mark's face, they knew something had gone on.

"Alayna? You haven't been answering my calls, are you okay?" Dan asked.

I ignored him and started packing up my things. Desmond had caused me too much trouble, I had caused too much trouble. I gathered my things very quickly in a somewhat messy fashion, drying in tears and putting my hair up. Somehow, I thought about calling my sister, but I didn't. Despite protests from Mark, I walked home that day in the rain.

I just wanted to be alone.

Half an hour later, there was a knock on my door. I didn't answer it, but they still came inside. To my surprise, it was Kyle. Awkwardly, he stroked his beard and sat next to me on the sofa with his hands together.

"I know your wishes, Alayna, but honestly. Me and the others talked, we can't leave you alone here," Kyle said, in a low tone.

I nodded, though he couldn't stop me from doing anything that I wanted to do. I'd already had five cups of coffee and I was about to move onto a glass of wine when I felt Kyle's hand grip tightly onto mine. He was looking at me with his deep brown eyes.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" he asked me, seriously.

Naturally, I chuckled, wondering what he was talking about and why he was stopping me from drinking. So, Mark might have already told them, but would drinking harm my night?

Then the penny dropped.

"You honestly think I tried to kill myself, didn't you?" I guessed, and I was right, because Kyle started acting shifty.

He didn't reply. A few minutes later he kept saying all some good Samaritan rubbish, so I just agreed to go back and live with the guys for the night to get them off my case.

I got back into my room, ready to go to bed when Will came in, mumbling about how it was only eight. I guessed that they didn't know what happened, and I made a mental note to thank Mark later. I looked at Will, wondering when he would disappear. Despite the looks I was shooting his way, he stayed put.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, casually.

"Well, Kyle was worried about you because you were thinking about drinking," Will explained, ushering me to my bed and sitting on a chair beside it.

There, I sat on my bed, staring at him, feeling really annoyed. Without saying anything, I pulled the covers over my body and faced the wall. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. _Kyle had just made things worse._

When I woke up, I really wish I hadn't. Woody was standing in the kitchen with something in his hands, and the guys were scattered around the living room. For once, Woody had tied his hair back and he wasn't wearing any sleeves. It was very rare for us to see his muscles. He placed what he was holding on the kitchen surface, and the sound echoed.

"You haven't been taking them," he observed, and that was enough.

I said nothing as he pushed them in my direction. Though I knew he was concerned about me, I couldn't help it, the words rolled off my tongue and out of my mouth.

"I'm not _taking them_ because I'm not depressed," I protested.

Dan approached me when I went back into my room. He reached out to touch me, though he thought better of it.

"Alayna. I think it's time to consider therapy. I mean, you aren't taking your medication," Dan suggested.

I stared at him blankly. I knew the guys were all worried about me, but there was no need for them to intervene, especially when I wasn't actually depressed. The way Dan was looking at me, I couldn't ignore it. The months we had shared together, everything that had happened. Maybe he was right.

One minute, we were hugging, the next, my sister appeared in the doorway to my room. Woody's facial expression was very straight, and he apologised, declaring that he had tried to stop her. Demi-Leigh shut the door and looked at us. I prepared myself for what was to come. Her paying me a visit the way she just did was very rare.

"Desmond tried to rape you! Why didn't you tell me?" Demi blurted out.

Naturally, I assumed that Dan already knew what happened because he had suggested I get therapy, but his facial expression changed. His smile was gone, as it had turned into a deep, immovable frown.

"W-What?" Dan stuttered.

I took a deep breath, bracing myself. Demi-Leigh slammed her bag down on the floor next to us, making us both jump. Demi clocked on that Dan didn't know, and I just knew that she was going to use that to her advantage.

"I'm a lawyer. Alayna, let me help you," Demi pleaded.

My emotions all burst out at once, because I put my hands to my face and started crying. I'd just been holding it in for so long. For the past few years and everything. We had quite a bit of fun, Desmond and I, but it was over now. It was long gone. Everything was gone. How could I ever trust anyone again?

"No, honestly, he needs help. A rehabilitation centre, something."

My sister wasn't going to back down so easily.

"But he's tried to do it before. Mark told me," Demi urged.

Tightly, I gripped onto the sleeve of my jacket, counting the seconds that went by. Dan removed his hand from mine and started to bite his lip. Then, he started tapping his foot against the floor. _I hadn't meant to make him angry, it was just that Mark was easy to talk to, and he was there at the time._

"I know, but Luna and Polly are at risk. Luna assaulted him three years ago. Back _off,_ Demi," I warned her.

My sister straightened up a bit and saw my point coming across. Then, she wedged herself in between me and Dan and mentioned how I should feel free to tell her anything.

I didn't take much notice of it at the time, but Dan was sitting to the far left of me, staring into the distance. He got up and walked out of the room.

I couldn't blame him. I didn't use him as my anchor, the anchor I should have used.


	26. Wild, Wild World

Three months passed, and my therapy sessions were going well. I'd stayed in my hometown and had heard no word from Desmond ever since. I heard from someone that he had gone to rehab, and that was good for him. I'd been taking my medication, and things had been getting better.

Meanwhile, I'd been focusing more on my artwork and seeing clients. I continued the _Lost in a Wild World_ paintings and made them into a collection. Mark and I had minimal contact. I wasn't ready to talk to the rest of the guys after they had found out about the whole Desmond incident, and that it had happened before.

A month later, in the summer, I gathered the courage to meet Mark. I was scared that he was going to invite the others, but luckily, he didn't. We sat in the pub, and I had a glass of orange juice. He looked pretty much the same.

Out of the blue, he placed a hand on mine, and it made my heart race because I hadn't really had any kind of physical contact with a human being in four months. It was a big step.

"Are you okay, Alayna?" he asked me.

I smiled at him weakly, trying to forget about the last few months and the events I experienced.

"Yes," I answered.

Mark frowned, and that was when I knew that he didn't believe me. He was physic like that, I knew he couldn't help it.

"It's just that, you look thin," he observed.

I looked at him, removing my hands from his and rubbing my arms. Suddenly, I felt as if I was going under study. _So what? I lost a stone or two._

"Dan, he's worried, you know. Everyone is. Your friends, your sister. You should contact them," Mark urged, and I felt only more annoyed.

I nodded as if I was listening to everything that he was saying. I went back home that day, pacing around all the phones in the flat, wondering who to reach out to first.

**\---- Mark's P.O.V ------**

**_(A year ago)_ **

We were practising in the studio, and I was curious about the girl the guys had acquired. All I knew was that her name was Alayna, and she seemed pretty hostile as she had mentioned that she was living with Bastille against her own will, which I didn't understand because the guys had a massive fan base.

"Basically, she didn't know who we were. Do you know how embarrassing that is?" Dan whined like a child.

Woody rolled his eyes, and Will nudged him. Woody complained about it and they got into a girly slapping fight before Kyle broke them up.

"Maybe that's a good thing. You all practically have a clean slate with this girl. Maybe she can stop you idiots arguing," I pointed out.

As expected, I wish I hadn't said that because they all started arguing about not arguing, all at once. I closed my eyes and told them to control themselves. _If they kept on having these disputes, they weren't going to make it as a band._

"OK, so what were your first impressions then, Mark?" Woody asked.

I blinked at them, wondering why the question had been asked in the first place. I usually did the interrogating, so it was just plain weird. I tried to remember seeing Alayna when I first went over. Well, she seemed a bit intimidated by me, so I couldn't really say much about her. I _thought things_ , obviously, I was a guy, but I said nothing and watched them debate which each other.

"She's got lovely skin," Kyle complimented her, out of all the things I was expecting to come out of their mouths.

"Skin? I was thinking legs," Dan added.

They were looking at me, and I was blushing now. To hide it, I started drinking the tea I had put to the side because it had gone cold.

"Nah, chest. Definitely," Will urged.

Woody coughed. Well, he argued his point better than Kyle.

"No, behind," he continued to cough.

Well, at least they could sort of agree on one subject, that was a start, but they had a long way to go as a band. Personally, I liked her eyes, and the way she would look at you when she was confused.

**\------- Alayna's P.O.V --------**

In my heart, I knew it was right so reach out to Dan first. He was at my flat in less than ten minutes, and he was happy to see me. As soon as he saw me, he put his arms around me.

I told him about the therapy and everything was getting back to normal. Most of all, I apologised to him. I apologised that I had chosen to speak to Mark after everything. Dan didn't care about that, he was more concerned about myself, which made me happy.

Though, we had to talk about us.

"If you don't want...anything to happen, between us...I would understand," Dan said slowly, and I could tell that he didn't believe in what he was saying.

It made me question if he was being truthful or not.

"Can we...take it...slowly?" I asked him, the words rolling off my tongue and escaping into the air.

He seemed happy with my answer and nodded, holding my hand. It had been a while since we'd done that, and everything felt as if it was alright again.

Taking Mark's advice, I made the decision to visit my sister. Her house was quite big, as it matched with her profession of being a lawyer. Rilo, her son, was a year old now, crawling and hobbling around. He was a gorgeous mixed baby with light green eyes and a cheeky smile. Rilo seemed to have an obsession with touching feet, too. (The weird genes were probably from his mother).

In the living room, I held Rilo, balancing him on my lap as he cutely cooed at me. I felt a bit envious of my sister and her boyfriend. Since I met him, I knew that they were going to last a long time. Hell, they had a child together. Her boyfriend's name was Jordan. Not to mention how attractive the outcome was too. It had only just occurred to me that I was an aunt.

The message wasn't received by my sister when she urged me to stay in the living room, bringing out cups of tea and snacks. It worked, because I felt inclined to stay a little longer because she'd provided refreshments, though I wasn't really interested. I used my nephew as an excuse to let my tea get cold. _Extra points for thinking ahead, huh?_

"Alayna, it's been a while. You look thin," Jordan pointed out, and I mentally prepared myself for the comments that were bound to follow.

Usually, Jordan didn't say much. He and my sister got along very well, and when he did say something, it was nothing much. However, the fact that he had pointed out a change in my appearance would only bring it to my sister's attention. My sister's eyes glanced at my untouched tea and snacks. Weakly, she smiled at me.

"We just had dinner, would you like any? It's a tuna pasta bake," Demi asked.

My ears perked up slightly, and then I wrinkled my nose. I wasn't really hungry, I had a cereal bar a couple of hours ago, and that was the only thing I had eaten all day.

"I'm fine, thank you," I declined politely.

My sister and her boyfriend looked at each other. I didn't know what the big deal was, I wished that they would tell me.

"Um, what's going on with you?" Demi wondered.

I blinked at my sister. _She needed to work on being so direct with her questions like that. I knew she was a lawyer, and that was her job, but still._ Jordan came over to me to collect Rilo and put him to bed. Two minutes later, he was back in the living room.

Sighing deeply, I looked at her and brushed my hair out of the way of my face with my fingers, feeling her eyes on me.

"I'm twenty five. I have an ex-fiancé. I'm in therapy. I'm supposedly depressed," I mumbled underneath my breath.

"Alayna. You have the people around you. I'm here. A bloody boyband is there for you, as well as that hot producer-"

Demi caught wind of Jordan's threatening stare, and she laughed and cleared her throat. Heck, even my sister slipped up.

"Of course, you wouldn't understand," I said softly, gathering my things, throwing my scarf around my neck.

At that moment, my sister snapped, turning into the hulk because it was noticeable that her expression changed completely.

Feeling silly for saying what I said, I left her house, her perfect, happy come and went back to my empty home.

I did something that I thought I wouldn't do, not for a good while, anyway. When Luna and Polly and I had become friends, we all used to do wild things, occasionally. Run through the streets in our underwear after a night out, make out with random guys, the latter. I swore I wouldn't really get into it again, but I couldn't help myself.

The only person I knew who had a cheeky smoke was Mark, and I hadn't expected him to be one at all. Kyle went crazy about healthiness (despite constantly eating junk food) and would kill us if he saw any one of us smoking. _It was just a bit of weed._ I savoured it, inhaling, exhaling. _Shit. I missed that kick._ It relaxed me, made me think, made me calm.

After I was finished, I put it to the side, disposing of it later on.

I went to visit the guys for the first time in a few months, and I was extremely annoyed to find my sister there. Honestly, I thought about turning back while I still had the chance, but since I was polite, I entered the Bastille household. The guys were quite happy to see me and to know that I was okay. I made the mistake of visiting my sister and the guys in the same day, because my sister wasn't very happy with me.

"You lied to me about Desmond, Alayna," Demi accused.

How could she be so smug? How did she know what was right for me?

"Don't," I warned her, and the guys were staring now.

Suddenly, she turned to everyone else in the room, and it hurt me because it was as if I didn't exist, not to her anyway.

"How old were you when you got with Desmond?"

Anxiously, I bit my lip. My blood was boiling. I had my reasons for hiding certain things, and she had no right bringing them up again. When she saw that I wasn't going to answer, she had already made her mind up.

"Exactly."

Not caring anymore, I put my hands in my pockets and eyed the window, showing the outside world. _Ah. I could see why people did the things that they did, I could see it clearly. People did the things that they did because it made them who they were, who they claimed to be, how they appeared to everyone else._ It was the only explanation for drug addicts, compulsive liars and cheats.

"Woody let it slip that you were fourteen. You honestly think I would be okay with that? That secret, Lay, it's over ten years old," Demi reminded me.

I did nothing but nod, and she left shortly after. She did have a baby to be looking after, and I certainly wasn't that baby. Not anymore, anyway. I sniffed, looking around me. It was funny, because it was only after I did something stupid that I was able to see the world differently, for what it really was.

I thought something was up, because Will pulled me aside, dragging me into my bedroom away from the others. I just stood opposite him, and my eyes were wide.

"Are you fucking spaced right now?"

I shook my head. Then, I started laughing. I thought my sister would have noticed it, but it wasn't like I had too much, I knew what I was doing. Unlike Desmond, I was in control.

"A little pick-me-up, shall we say," I whispered childishly.

"Unbelievable," he said, obviously disappointed.

That day, I went back home. I was planning to chill out a bit, but Dan was worried about me and  that usually meant the guys had 'concerns' that I was going to do something 'stupid'. He made me forget about my day by putting his arms around me and pulling me close against his chest. My heart was thumping. I missed the intimacy, so, so much.

"A lot's gone on, I don't want you to be worried," Dan whispered softly.

I instantly felt warmed by his voice, his gentle, soothing tone. My face feeling hot, he just had to rest his nose against mine. Our faces were attracted to each other, and we kissed. At first, it was a cute, gentle kiss. Then, it developed into a more adventurous kiss, where he didn't seem to mind me leading him to the bedroom.

We were kneeling on the bed, continuing. I gripped onto my arms, and I knew it, I just missed him so much. However, he pulled back from me and his eyes were full of concern.

"Alayna. I don't...want to rush...anything."

I knew he was talking about the whole Desmond thing, but I was over that. I'd gotten over it the first time he attacked me. All I wanted in that moment was Dan, him and nobody else.

"I want it," I exhaled.

Dan sighed, and he leaned toward me. His lips came into contact with mine again, and I felt relaxed. We kissed for a minute or so, before our kiss started to cause my back to near to the bed. Soon after that, my mind faded away and I must have fallen asleep.

In the morning, I was pretty pissed. I was a mix of upset and angry that Dan didn't want to have sex with me last night, and I couldn't understand why. He'd be so reluctant to touch me, like he'd gone off me. It made me feel even worse.

The worst thing happened as soon as Dan and I got to the Bastille household. I didn't know why, or how, but Desmond was there. Dan got defensive over me, but I told him that it was okay. For once, Desmond didn't mean any trouble. My addict ex boyfriend in the flesh, though he did look a lot better. He came to make amends with Mark, but Mark was reluctant, and he was the most forgiving person I knew.

Before leaving, there was a misty, lost look in his eyes. He turned to me. I didn't want him to apologise for what happened.

" _Je vous souhaite,"_ he told me.

I nodded and replied in French back to him, and I was aware that everyone was staring. It was an old tradition.

After Desmond had left, Kyle raised an eyebrow in my direction.

"You're fluent in French?"

Slowly, I nodded and all the guys started whispering.

The next day, I went to pay the guys another visit since I was feeling more confident after Desmond talked to me. However, something came up. I was walking to the Bastille household when my name was called by what I thought was a stranger.

Upon turning around, I realised it was Joseph, Desmond's brother. We used to be close, I guessed. He'd always been the normal one in the Green family, anyway. They were identical twin brothers, except that Joseph liked to dye his hair blond. When I realised his face was pale as he marched up to me, I knew that something was wrong.

"Desmond. Desmond overdosed last night."

My jaw dropped as I connected up the dots. Throughout our relationship, despite learning French fluently together, we never really used it. I knew it was meant to mean something, our secret little connection, but maybe it was his way of saying goodbye?

"He's fine now. But the point is he tried to kill himself, straight after seeing you."

I stared at Joseph, a pang of hurt running through my body at what he was saying. How could he say that to me?

"What are you accusing me of?" I asked him, raising my voice.

There was a deep, loud sigh that came from him, and the hurt in his eyes, it scared me. Man, I forgot how alike they looked.

"My brother...isn't suicidal, so don't lie to me, Alayna," Joseph warned.

I seemed to be getting into tricky situations lately, so I thought the best thing to do was walk away and forget about it, until Kyle opened the door. Obviously they knew each other and things got awkward rather quickly.

"He could have died last night!" Joseph shouted.

I had to sigh, too. I thought about the position I put my sister in when I was whisked off to the hospital after a terrible mistake.

"I didn't know. I don't know why he would do that, I'm sorry," I apologised, standing my ground, because that's all I could do.

Deep down, I knew why, but as of that moment, I had no feelings toward the whole situation. I tried to remain as neutral as possible, because now I was in an uncomfortable position. However, Desmond had put me in that same position. Piecing it all together in my head, he knew the most about me. He overheard me talking to Mark about the guys. He and Demi talked, so he must have known she had recently had a baby. He had sent that horrible text message to my friends.

Karma got him, and it was sitting alongside him in that hospital bed.

I needed some time to gather myself, so I went into my old room and Dan came over to me, throwing an arm around me. I liked his company and his silence, because that was all I wanted. No questions.

"Oh Dan, why would he do that?"

He said nothing and shuffled a little closer to me, staring beyond me and probably past the window, like he always did.

"Wild, wild world," Dan muttered under his breath.

It made me think.


	27. An Act of Kindness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this chapter funny and I was laughing as I wrote it lmao  
> I know I shouldn't have because assault isn't funny, but eh, it's fictional

Unfortunately, Joseph was still hungry for answers and hung around the Bastille household like a bad smell. From what I heard, he kept asking about Desmond. Of course, they were twins, identical, so of course he felt really close to Desmond. I would want answers, too.

One day in the week, a mistake was made. Joseph and I had crossed paths when the guys had some time to hang out, and I felt compelled to join them. The chit chat was general, as usual. Work, song writing, Desmond. Joseph didn't know everything that we had been through, and to be honest, I wanted to keep it that way. However, that wasn't the mistake made.

Joseph pulled out a cigarette and lit it. I could see Kyle's forehead twitching because he hated things like that, though he contained himself. I didn't really know what he smoked, but it smelled like tobacco to me and he was in perfectly good health. Anyway, he turned to me suddenly, and without thinking, he asked if I wanted one. When he realised what he did, there was a silence that came about pretty quickly. A normal person would get up and make an excuse to leave in that kind of situation, but Dan put a hand on my arm, and his facial expression was grim. Then, he chuckled. It was a mocking laugh.

"Oh, so you smoke now?" he accused me.

In that moment, Will started looking very guilty, and a health conscious Kyle noticed and put his hands together. Will was sweating like a pig. I took a deep breath.

"Alayna. Shit, I'm so sorry," Joseph apologised, and I forgave him as it was an accident, a slip of the tongue.

I cleared my throat, and in the small amount of time I had to formulate an answer, some kind of response, I felt nervous. Will was eyeing me too, and I knew that he was going to be forced to say something.

"It's an old habit," I put it to rest, one of my eyes on Dan and the other on Will.

However, Dan wasn't convinced and he pulled me aside.

"Is there anything more I should know? I'm worried about you," he wondered.

"It was something I used to do in my early twenties, on and off. I'm sorry, I've got a lot I wanted to leave behind," I admitted and apologised at the same time.

He apologised for making a scene in front of everyone, but it didn't matter because everyone already knew. I just wanted a future with Dan, and we needed to work on that.

Joseph was still smoking. He dumped his cigarette in an ashtray. Next, he made eye contact with me.

"My brother is a compulsive liar, and I won't forgive him for turning you into one," he said softly, and it made me happy.

I guessed he said that because what he must have heard my lies from the guys. It was only natural.

After that, I went back to my flat for the night, and the guys seemed okay with leaving me on my own. I took note of my medication and made sure to take it. For most days, I was sticking to the plan. It was a slow process, though I was starting to feel a lot better about myself and the people around me, even surprising myself at how I reacted to Desmond's overdose.

The following night, I got a knock on my door. It had been a terrible past twenty four hours, and there was a storm coming from all directions. Regardless, Joseph stood outside, panting and his face was pale. His hair was so drenched that all the rainwater seemed to be gushing out of him, and his clothes were soaked through.

"Desmond, when he was in hospital, he kept saying...he couldn't stand what he did to you. He said he couldn't live with it. I-I thought he was lying, but the guys...M-Mark confirmed it."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My sister, Luna and Polly had tried to get me to talk about my traumatic experience, but honestly, I was pretty much over it. My ex and I were different people and the stalking, the assault were signs that we just weren't made for each other, even in our later years. The bad blood still remained.

"It's not so much what he did, it's what he had tried to do," I tried to console him, as he was shocked.

Joseph, he'd always been the softer one. Usually, there was a good twin, and there was an evil twin. I used to be really close to Joseph, until he moved away. Joseph, essentially, was the lesser of two evils. I invited him inside, and we decided to crack open a bottle of wine. I got some glasses out and we enjoyed a drink or five together, and to be honest, I needed to talk about it.

When he asked what had happened to me, I could only down a glass of wine and take a deep think. I topped it up as I tried to come up with an answer.

"I hit a wall."

Joseph nodded like he understood. I meant it in an artistic sense. He leaned in slightly, running his hands down his glass of wine.

"I think it helps, you know, to talk about it."

"Yes. It does."

Shortly after, Joseph left my flat. Funnily enough, I had another visitor because Mark came round with a bag of chips. I gave him a funny look as he came inside, making my flat smell of vinegar.

I noticed how he wasn't wearing a jacket, too. It was still raining outside and the paper his chips were in were partly soaked, though he still made the effort to make a visit. Kindly, he shared some of his chips with me and we ate together.

"I thought I'd stop by," he said.

"I appreciate it," I thanked him.

While we talked about work and the guys, it suddenly came to me that Mark never mentioned his love life but was always interested to know mine. I knew that he wasn't gay, though he was really mysterious most of the time so it wasn't like I could ask him.

"So, is there anyone new on the scene?" I wondered.

Mark saw what I was implying, and he smiled at me weakly. Heck, I couldn't blame anyone for being secretive. I had kept a lot f secrets from everyone, Bastille, Mark, my sister and my parents. Anyway, Mark said nothing and startled sipping some of his Fanta.

"All I need is Bastille and you safe. You're looking thinner," Mark observed, partly changing the subject.

I felt my face get hot. I didn't really notice any weight loss, and he had said that before not too long ago. He placed a hand on mine, causing me to look at him.

"Things will get better, trust me," he promised, and I wanted to believe him.

I smiled at him.

"I hope so," I replied.

With that, Mark left my flat, and a part of me felt a bit empty. At the same time, I felt so much better. _I just had to be positive._

Kindly, Mark invited me to Bastille's next concert. I had missed the memories of touring with them, going around in vans and limos and on tour buses. Drinking ourselves into madness and playing silly, made up card games. A lot of touring including annoying Mark and others that decided to come along, too, and I really missed it.

Anyway, I stood in my flat next to the mirror, ripping my hair out because I couldn't find anything decent to wear. Luna and Polly came round, and we hadn't really talked properly in a long time. I was happy that they decided not to bring up my depression and how I was taking medication for it. It was like old times, and they were practically dressing me. In the end, I wore a busty V-neck top and a skirt, though I did complain of being on show.

Unfortunately, my friends travelled with us. Not that I minded it, nor the guys, though Luna was totally embarrassing me because she kept sneaking glances at Will. Naturally, Will was oblivious. Between pit stops, it was hard to sneak out for a cheeky smoke, too. Luna had a crush on Will, and she kept on thanking me that I knew the band.

And then came the question.

"How did you all meet?" Luna wondered, and her nose was getting bigger by the second.

The guys started looking at each other. Mark was sitting further in the limo, and Polly was sitting by him. Those two were the two adults in the vehicle. (Will was the oldest, saying that, I couldn't count).

"Uh, Dan kidnapped me," I admitted.

Loud sounds of protest came from Dan, and he expected the others to stick up for him but they were either laughing or remaining completely silent.

"Kinky," Luna commented, flicking her hair.

In response, I rolled my eyes, wondering when the long journey to the concert would end. _I hoped my friends weren't allowed backstage. That would be a very long and tough few hours, if so. My best friend was a fucking loon._

As soon as we got there, I took refuge backstage. Luckily, my friends weren't interested in following me. Mark pulled a few strings and managed to get them in the front row, where they were screaming like complete and utter fan girls. _Luna was going to come out of that top any second now._

After the show, I heard shouting come from a distance from backstage. It was probably some girl kicking up a fuss about not being able to see Dan and get his autograph. To my surprise, it was a guy who had sneaked in unnoticed by the cameramen, and he made eye contact with me. At first, I thought he wouldn't be much trouble. Then, he walked over to me.

"Sorry, are you lost?" I asked him to start with.

The guy hadn't seemed to registered what I had just said, and he was clearly confused for a moment. Well, he didn't seem out of the ordinary. He was tall, wearing casual clothes, though it was obvious he was a bit drunk. Or high.

"I don't think I am," he replied, looking me up and down.

I scoffed at him and started rubbing my arms. _I knew that what I was wearing would be too revealing for a concert, I shouldn't have listened to those two idiots while they were throwing clothes at me._

"It's just that, you need a pass to be here," I pointed out firmly, but kindly enough.

The guy accepted it for a moment, and then he tried to get past me. I thought he was just joking around, so I didn't stop him at first. Then, I stepped in front of him and politely told him to leave, but he was stubborn. _Heck, reminded me of my sister._

"You might want to move out of my way," he warned.

At that second that the guy advanced toward me, Mark came back with the iced teas that we wanted. But it was too late, because he pushed me and I fell onto the sofa. Obviously, Mark saw and he was so shocked that he dropped the teas.

"Mate, leave her alone. You shouldn't push a woman like that," Mark added.

All of a sudden, the bloke got up in Mark's face, and they were staring each other down. It was obvious that he didn't want to get involved in any means of violence. Suddenly, the guy raised his hand, and in a flash, he had Mark up the wall and I started screaming. He fell to the floor, and he must have hit his head off some gear lying around (it couldn't be helped) and he stopped moving. _Oh my God._

"Mark? Mark?"

The culprit started laughing, and I looked at him in hatred and went over to him. The crew were busy packing up after the show, but all I had to do was get someone's attention and he would be gone.

"Ha. I can go wherever the fuck I want!" the guy hollered.

I looked at him in disgust, and I went over to him to try and stop him from advancing any further. There were hundreds of pounds worth of alcohol, clothing and equipment ahead. Who knew what he could do with it?

Things got worse as Dan rushed in and quickly said that he'd heard me screaming. He saw Mark on the floor and the guy trying to push me to the side. He did something that I hadn't expected him to do. At first, he tried to reason with him. The next, the guy was wrestling with Dan, and it looked harmless to start with. Unexpectedly, the guy grabbed a nearby object and hit Dan with it, and his head was bleeding. By that point, I was already screaming.

Woody, Kyle and Will entered and saw what was going on and managed to chase the guy off. Dan looked pretty out of it, even though he was still standing. The blood was trickling down his forehead, and it looked pretty painful though it was only a cut. I didn't have any time to worry about Dan, because I rushed over to Mark, who was unconscious. We had to call for an ambulance.

"Mark, Mark mate. Can you hear me?" Dan asked, his voice loud and clear.

I couldn't help but stare at him. He'd been so heroic (and Mark) in rushing to help me with the whole situation. His accent, that London accent, it was _so attractive I could have just melted there and then._ I did try to tell him to relax a bit, because he was still bleeding.

We noticed that Mark was bleeding too, so until the paramedics came, we thought it was best not to try and move him. _I felt so bad, if only I could have handled the situation better. He wasn't responding._

"God, how did that guy even get in?" Woody mumbled.

My emotions ran high as the paramedics came. Of course, we told them what happened and they did their best to try to see if he could respond. They spent some time with him, assuring us that he would be fine. Then, the paramedics started to check if Dan was okay and he moaned about them fussing over him.

"Mr Smith, hold still please. We need to treat that injury," one of the paramedics demanded.

At that point, Mark was getting carried into an ambulance. Dan wriggled free and took my hand and we both hopped into the ambulance, despite the paramedics complaining about how Dan wouldn't keep still. I held his hand as we looked at Mark, lifeless. There was a moment when Dan closed his eyes for longer than usual and I panicked, but he assured me that he was fine.

As soon as we got out of the ambulance, the paramedics did their thing and hoisted Mark out on a stretcher while I noticed something was wrong. Dan was staggering slightly, and he looked really out of it. One of the paramedics strongly advised escorting him to A&E, so I did even though he was very reluctant to leave Mark.

Waiting in A&E really was as horrendous as people said it was. It was horrible seeing people down multiple cups of coffee, witness them shaking their knees and hoping to get seen to. _Good God, it made my heart race._

"Do you think they'll cut my hair? Fucking hell, they better not."

I looked at him for a moment and laughed. _At least it had taken his mind off Mark._

"I don't think so. I'm glad you're okay."

Naturally, I leaned in and we shared a kiss. Dan linked his hand in mine; and for the first time in ages, I felt secure.

"I love you, Alayna. I'm sorry life got in the way."

My eyes widened at his sudden statement, and my heart started to flutter with overwhelming excitement. I was so happy that he was still considering there was a possibility that we could be together properly.

"I love you, Dan. Now, go and get that head fixed."

He chuckled at me as his name was called out and he went into a room. He came out in ten minutes, the blood cleaned off his face and he looked brand new. Also with an ice pack. We walked out of Accident and Emergency hand in hand, hoping to find Mark.

It took us a good half hour, going from desk to desk and room to room until we eventually found where Mark was. He was still unconscious, but we were told that he was fine and should wake up soon. Dan seemed to have calmed down a bit. He opened his mouth.

_An act of kindness_

  
_Is what you showed to me_

  
_It caught me by surprise_

  
_In this town of glass and ice_

He went on singing the song a little more quietly. Some of the nurses in the nearby corridors stopped doing what they were doing to watch. _The song sounded as if it was really personal to Mark._

_Backs up against the wall_

  
_I feel guilty, I feel guilty_

  
_You want nothing in return_

  
_I feel guilty, I feel guilty_

A nearby nurse acted as if she hadn't been watching, and to my surprise Mark woke up, mumbling something that was just about audible.

"Well shit, don't feel guilty," he groaned, and we laughed.

"Thank you both for stepping in," I said.

Even then, he looked as right as rain. The hospital wanted to keep him, overnight though. The rest of Bastille paid him a visit and then we all went home.


	28. The Weight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really depressing and distressing  
> Touching on some major mental health issues, sorry

The evening after Mark was released from the hospital, I found myself alone in one of the many Bastille households. Unfortunately, whenever I was alone, it left me more time to think about things. It allowed my thoughts to pollute my mind and take control. I felt like crap, sitting in my bedroom waiting for Dan to come home. Damn, I forgot how much I missed him when he was doing a concert with the guys, performing as one. He was doing the thing that he loved, and I didn't mind that. However, I did miss lying next to him in bed.

I rose from my bed, hoping that the water in the kettle was still warm from the last time I had made a cup of tea, which was just over twenty minutes ago. Humming to myself, I came out of my room, walking out to the landing.

Next, I wasn't sure what happened. One minute, I was thinking about how much I missed Dan and how badly I wanted a cup of tea, the next, I must have taken a miscalculated step, resulting in me slipping. I couldn't really remember what happened as I fell, I just lost my balance and found myself rolling around and round, hitting my head, my arm as I fell to the very bottom of the stairs.

For a moment, I was in control of my vision. The next, it was gone.

To all my horror, I woke up in a hospital. Not that I'd been going there a lot lately, but I woke up with a start because Dan was sitting to my left, my sister to my right and Mark in the middle as my sister's fiancé, Jordan, passed Rilo over to him. By the look on my sister's face, I wish I hadn't woken up. It was literally tear stained and makeup was _all_ over her face. Dan was holding my hand, and he looked exhausted.

Damn, I'd only fallen down a flight of stairs.

I tried sitting up, but it hurt like hell. Jordan went out of the room to hand Rilo over to a nurse since he was screaming his little heart out. To my dismay, he came back inside. God, my sister. I turned to my side so that I was facing Dan instead of her.

"Alayna. I'm going to ask you something and I want you to answer, okay?"

To my surprise, there were no objections to what my sister was about to ask me. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for it because I knew that I wouldn't like it.

"Before you fell, did you think about ending your life? Did you try to kill yourself?" My sister asked me very seriously.

In shock, I scoffed at her. How could she even think of something like that on her own? _Desmond wasn't the only person on drugs._

"Fucking hell, don't be so stupid," I hissed at her.

I expected Dan to be arguing with her, but it surprised me that he wasn't saying anything. That must mean that he agreed with what she had been suggesting. Slowly, he turned his head to look at me.

"I-I mean, you knew I wouldn't be back for hours. Me, the guys..." Dan trailed off.

It hurt in my heart that he agreed with my sister, and I felt really alone in that moment because I realised that nobody believed me. The look on Jordan's face, the look on Mark's face. _It was just like last time._ I pulled my hand away from his, feeling really pissed off.

"I can't believe you believe I would do that. I can't believe you still think that I would. Out of all _people_ ," I whispered to him so that nobody else could hear.

Dan said nothing. A nurse came in and informed me what had happened and my injuries. The only thing I had to get used to was a stitch on my upper arm. She mentioned I would be a bit sore, though they were going to let me out soon as I had been in hospital for almost twenty four hours.

Not so long after waking up, I got myself ready to leave the hospital. As usual, even though she had a baby of her own, my sister was fussing over me. Dan wasn't too far behind her too. I was adamant to leave but Dan pulled me aside.

"Are you sure you're okay? You weren't thinking about it?"

"I'm sure. Believe me."

He looked into my eyes and nodded, taking my hand in his. I rested my head against his as we made our way out, feeling comforted by his soft, warm shoulder.

The plan (that my sister had arranged) was for me to stay at Dan's nearby flat for an hour or so, then my boyfriend was going to drag me kicking and screaming to my sister's house. I wanted to enjoy the time we did have together. He kept on telling me to eat, but I rejected his offers of food and tightly clung onto him instead.

Gently, I kissed him though he turned to the side so that I kissed his cheek instead. I frowned, wondering why he had avoided my affection behind closed doors in such a way. It made my heart throb.

"After you get a little better. Remember what your therapist said, I don't want you rushing into things. I can wait for you, if that's what you want. We can put a hold on us."

I nodded, understanding what he was saying.

"I-I don't know...I'm not sure what I want."

At first, I expected him to be angry with my reply. However, he had proved my wrong because he smiled at me and told me there was no rush. _Gosh, he was so sweet to me. That must have been why I slept with him._

In an hour or so, I was in my sister's house. Dan dropped me off, helpfully carrying my bags to the door and bringing them up to my new room. _How embarrassing._ He came back downstairs, and I didn't want him to leave me, though I wasn't sure how to express it because despite everything we'd been through, we weren't quite a couple yet.

Anxiety running through my veins, I watched Dan leave, and I was left with a reasonably easy-to-handle Rilo, Jordan, and my sister. To keep my sister from talking to me, I volunteered to look after Rilo for an hour. However, Jordan caught onto my plan and put him to sleep upstairs. I mumbled under my breath, curling up into a ball on the sofa.

There was a knock on the door, and it saved my life. Demi got up to answer it. To my surprise, it was Mark. She secretly fancied him (no idea why) and welcomed him inside. Jordan came downstairs to greet him and Mark announced that he just wanted to check if I was okay.

For a moment, Mark and I were stood in the living room whilst my sister and her fiancé were having a private conversation. I had never seen them do it before, but it looked pretty important. Anyway, Mark placed a hand on my shoulder, causing me to jump.

"You can always talk to me. The guys, your therapist, anyone," he offered, and though it annoyed me, he was trying to be nice.

After all, Mark had always, pretty much been right.

The weirdest thing happened next, because Jordan wanted to 'discuss' something with Mark, so he pulled him aside. _Okay, unlike Jordan to be confrontational._ Before I could even plan on eavesdropping, Demi ushered me into the other room.

After the discussion, Mark's expression turned into a frown, and he announced that he had to leave suddenly. He said goodbye, and left, just like that. Jordan came back into the room like nothing had happened. _Shit._ Accusingly, I looked at the troublesome duo. They had planned whatever they said to Mark. I thought about asking what it was about, but it would be a bad idea.

Hours later, I sent Mark a text but he didn't reply. I was considering texting the guys in our group chat, but the issue could be private. _Calling him could be better._ I did so, and it went straight to voicemail.

Heck, I had to wonder.

The next day, I broke free of my sister's clutches as soon as I overheard the troublesome duo discussing how they had told Mark to piss off yesterday. Jordan was literally guarding my new bedroom door, and I had to slip past him whilst he fell asleep with baby Rilo on his lap. I quickly apologised to him inside my head before getting outside.

When I woke up, I woke up with a sinking feeling that something was terribly, terribly wrong. I knew what it was to do with, and I had to escape as quickly as possible. Luckily, I had some money on me. I didn't treat myself to breakfast. I hopped on the bus and focused on getting as far away from my sister's house as possible before she sent a whole SWAT team to try to track me down.

All I did was focus on where I needed to be. I knew that I needed to get there as quickly as I could to stop what I thought was going to happen from actually happening. I couldn't forgive myself if I was late, if something was wrong. I kept my head high, travelling from bus to bus, navigating myself around the city.

I entered my hometown, breathing in the old, young air. Breathing in the air I had shared with that other person, the other person who picked me up when I was down. The person who got me interested in the thing I loved the most. The person who had once wiped away my tears, bought me flowers.

For the past few years, I'd been going to sleep on my own. Waking up in the middle of the night, looking out of my window. Fearful that he would be looking back on me, fearful that the past would catch up with me.

It did, it caught me, choked me, almost destroyed me.

**\----- Dan's P.O.V ------ ****BONUS**

No more than a minute past midday, I got a call from Demi-Leigh. Obviously, it startled me and the guys because we were midway through recording something in the studio. She notified me that Alayna had gone missing from her household. Quickly, I got out of the recording room in a hurry, throwing my jacket over my shoulders. Mark gave me a funny look.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

I looked at him, breathless, realising that I hadn't told anyone why I was acting like a madman all of a sudden.

"Alayna. S-She's gone m-missing. I-I need to find her," I stammered, my eyes wide.

He nodded and grabbed his car keys before calling someone to tell them that we wouldn't be using the rets of our studio time. Mark went over to the recording room/booth and got Woody, Will and Kyle out of it. He told them what I told him, and we all got ready to get in the nearest car and leave.

Immediately, we jumped inside the car. At first, nobody said anything. Mark wasn't really driving anywhere, and we weren't really sure what to do. Obviously, Demi and Jordan were busy with their son, so there was little they could do. The first minute consisted of us talking over each other until Mark shouted really loudly to silence us.

"Does anyone have any idea where she might have gone?" Mark asked, his voice bouncing off the car doors.

We all looked at each other, and when nobody suggested anything that was when I knew. We all knew what that meant, and I was afraid of someone saying so out loud. Once Mark reached a traffic light, he turned around to face everyone, and he nodded.

Gosh, the thoughts running through my head as we made our way there. The ride was bumpy and long, and Will didn't even complain when I constantly shook my leg. As soon as we pulled up, I got out of the car, slamming the door and running up to the flat that stood before me. To Mark's surprise, the door was already open and my heart was racing as we went inside.

However, it wasn't what I had been expecting because Desmond was sitting in the corner of his flat, his head down, looking lost. Mark had a look around, but it was obvious that Alayna wasn't present. Mark went over to Desmond, and it was as if all the life had escaped out of his eyes.

"Well? Do you know where she is?" Woody asked.

Slowly, Desmond raised his head to look at us. He used the wall to help him in getting up. Honestly, he didn't even seem bothered by us being present. barging into his flat although he'd left the door open.

"I'm afraid I didn't know she'd even gone missing. Shit," Desmond swore.

Kyle moaned about clothes and dishes being left out in the kitchen. Thing were strewn all over the place, though Desmond wasn't visibly unclean, it was clear he hadn't been taking very good care of himself or his flat.

"Dez, have you...moved from that spot?" At all?" Mark wondered.

At first, I thought it was a weird thing to ask. I thought the guilt had caught up with Desmond for all his lies and what he had tried to do to Alayna, but seeing him in that state, it was different. He was a lot thinner, a lot weaker. Not as cocky as he used to be. I noticed that he checked his watch, and he looked nervous. Even though he was a dick, I was worried that he was going to keel over.

"Um, you guys...I'm telling you. You _can't, shouldn't_ be here," Desmond warned.

I couldn't deny it, I was interested in why he so badly wanted to steer us away from his flat. Of course, I was worried about Alayna and her safety but if he was hiding one more lie from us, from everyone, I had to know.

All of a sudden, Joseph appeared out of nowhere. We heard the door shut behind him. He informed us that he was told the same thing we had been told by Demi. Hey, Desmond wasn't that stupid. Not in the slightest. Again, he checked his watch.

"You, of all people, aren't meant to be here," Desmond groaned.

We watched him, and none of us said anything. We were figuring out what was the right thing to say, because hardly any of us believed that he didn't have the faintest clue where Alayna could be. He disappeared into the kitchen for a bit, and then he emerged with a pack of painkillers or something, shoving them into his pocket. Gosh, he looked so frail.

"All right. We follow you. We follow you," I said, aloud.

Even though he didn't even want us here, he shrugged his shoulders and looked back at the six of us.

"So be it, so fucking be it," he snapped at us.

Mark was wondering whether we needed the car or not, but Desmond carried on walking on the street, carefree. His steps were lighter, though he constantly checked the time. I cut in front of Woody, (much to his dismay) so that I could walk with Joseph.

"What's wrong with him?" I wondered.

Naturally, Joseph didn't seem too surprised by my question. We weren't massively close, though we had talked a good couple of times in the past.

"Probably high," he mumbled under his breath.

In fact, I was practically holding my breath whilst Desmond was leading us to some unknown, mystery place. It was an ordinary park, one filled with a lot of trees, a lot of grass. It was nothing out of the ordinary. The autumn breeze delivered leaves to us. Some were brown, yellow, dark green, red. Some were dead.

Suddenly, Desmond came to a halt at the entrance of a playground area. The guys and I exchanged funny looks before following him inside. It was deserted, and it was strange, even for about five o'clock in the evening. We hadn't seen any kids at all, as if he knew that nobody would be around. He sat by the side of the slide.

I didn't know why, but I couldn't really leave him. He was putting on a front, I knew it. I didn't know why, but it was easy to spot someone who did so, especially when I had done the same until a couple of months ago when I opened up about my anxiety. I froze as he took the painkillers out of his pocket and started popping them open. Something didn't sit right with me as he swallowed one. Just one.

_What, what was it?_

There was something about how he sat with his hands together, looking up to the sky. He certainly wasn't looking up for heaven. Nothing, nothing was in his eyes.

Another minute passed, and Desmond swallowed another painkiller. I blinked. None of the guys had noticed, but my stomach was in knots. Something wasn't right.

"Alayna. The first time I laid eyes on her, it was here," he announced, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.

The smoke blew back onto Kyle's face, and he complained though it was drowned out by the sudden raging winds. It was freezing, and all Desmond was wearing was a thin T-shirt. Well, it was his fault for standing too close.

"Y-You keep...you k-keep c-checking the t-time," I stammered, slowly walking over to him.

I saw the fear in his eyes. I saw it when he realised that I clocked it. The checking the time. The taking painkillers. Him not caring about us following him.

"Mate, how many of those...how many of those have you...have you..."

Before Desmond could answer, I heard the sounds of footsteps. It was Alayna running as fast as she could towards the park, looking at all of us and running over to Desmond as if she knew he would be here. Immediately, she started running her hands through her hair. She looked at me, and I nodded.

"HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?" Alayna screamed at him, and I had to hold her back a bit.

"Alayna," I said softly.

Tears were running down Desmond's face now as he took his last lot of painkillers. There was nothing I could do, any of us could do. The checking of his watch meant that he'd taken more pills we didn't know about before our arrival.

The sudden burst of rain didn't help either, because it soaked all of us. Even a sobbing Desmond and a confused Joseph.

"How did you know he would be here?" Mark asked, and that was a decent question.

"I had a bad feeling. He told me...he told me that if he could, he would like to die here. I-I don't know. I-I can't explain it," Alayna answered.

There was an air of silence, with the exception of Desmond's loud sobbing. It was enough, and it was starting to trigger my emotions too. The cold rain hit our skin, trying to get through us and knock us down. He opened his mouth to say something.

"I didn't want anyone to pity me. I can't make up for the things I did and have said, but I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry."

Desmond wrinkled his nose and clutched his side a little, looking up to the raining sky. I suddenly felt really cold. Joseph hadn't said a word, and all of the guys had clocked onto what was happening, and we were all scared. More scared than when we had gone to visit Alayna in hospital both times.

"But why?" Will asked.

His voices bounced off every raindrop, and it suddenly occurred to me that nobody had really asked that question until that moment. That question, heck, it was everything and nothing all at the same time.

"I couldn't...I couldn't find anyone to carry...to carry the weight with me. I couldn't. But..."

His words were lost in the wind and the rain as he checked his watch and closed his eyes for an extended period of time, and I was worried.

"You asked me what happened to me, I told you...I hit a wall. I always wanted to be more like you, Joe. I just, just remember..."

Then that was it. His eyes closed, and it was like Desmond Green had been wiped off the face of the earth. I watched as Joseph stood where he was, frozen. Then, he fainted and Woody had to tend to him as we called an ambulance.

I felt nothing that day as the rain washed against my skin, and part of my soul detached itself from me. Really, it changed me.

In the rain, some of us grown men were crying. It was unreal, almost. I had to be strong for Alayna and put my arm around her. Nobody was saying anything, and I felt as if I needed to fill the silence.

As if I knew it was needed, I opened my mouth and took it from there.

_Your Albatross, let it go, let it go,_

_Your Albatross shoot it down, shoot it down_

_When you just can't shake the_

_Heavy weight of living_

Will looked at me through the tears falling down his face, and he nodded as if he knew what to do. He backed me up a bit, even though he did look pretty broken. As much as we didn't want to leave him there, Joseph told me that he would sort things out.

_The weight of living,_

_The weight of living_

What if _I_ needed someone to carry that weight with me?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Now, this one was a super tough one to write. Especially the bit about Joseph fainting and not saying anything, because I badly wanted him to say something to Desmond before he died, but people make choices.  
> *** I'm not encouraging suicide. Even though Dan barely knew Desmond, we could see what he saw, the life draining from Desmond and the pain Dan was feeling. He was feeling this pain because he felt helpless.  
> \- I knew I was going to make Desmond commit suicide, and I thought this out a couple of times as to how I would construct the chapter.  
> \- I thought it would be best from anyone's perspective except Alayna. I wanted you guys to get suicide from an "external" viewpoint, like a stranger looking in. Dan didn't really know Desmond that well.


	29. Fallout

\--- Alayna's P.O.V ----

Barely a week later, the date of Desmond's funeral was announced. I'd tried to get in contact with Joseph for the past week, but he hadn't been responding to any of my texts or calls, nor voicemails. I was starting to get really, really worried. Anxiously, I reached out to the others but their efforts to contact him had taken the same route as mine. Unresponsive.

On the day of the funeral, I found Joseph at the wake. His face was very pale, and when people spoke to him, his facial expression didn't change. It stayed the same, because like Desmond, all the life had been sucked out of him. When I saw him, I threw my arms around him. Even then, his grip was weak. Dan and the guys were behind me.

"When people asked me...a few months ago about how...many siblings I had...I said one."

I looked at him, my heart panging because I knew that only a few months ago his only sibling had been Desmond because Linda had died of an overdose. Did he blame me?

"I'm...so sorry, Joseph..."

"When someone asked me, the other day...someone asked me...how many..."

For a moment, Joseph seemed unstable and he clung to the nearest wall. Perspiration ran down the side of his neck. Gosh, every bone in my body ached watching him suffer like that.

"I'm an...I'm an only child, Alayna."

A weak Joseph started to sob in my arms, and I felt completely helpless as there was nothing that I could say or do that would bring Desmond back. Joseph pulled back from me, wiping his tear-sodden face with his sleeves like a child.

"I didn't lose a brother...I...I lost...I lost a twin," he sobbed.

Damn, his words hit me like a tonne of bricks. Joseph disappeared into the crowd of people at the wake, and I was left with Mark. He pulled me aside to check if I was okay. I told him I was, though I was hiding it.

Making sure nobody was around to watch me, I stepped outside to catch my breath a little bit. I'd known Desmond for almost half of my life, and part of me was sad to see him go. The other part wasn't because of all the things he had said and done, but it just wasn't right. It wasn't fair. Not suicide. Not in that park, the park we had first met. _Where all our good memories were_.

I must have been thinking about it too much, because before I knew it, I lost control of my breath. I found myself clinging to the nearest wall, trying to steady myself. To my dismay, it didn't work and my breathing got heavier, faster. At that moment, I wasn't fully in control. The world started to spin around me, and my hands were shaking. _Gosh, was it happening again? The same thing that had happened at Linda Green's funeral?_ My heart, my heart...

Suddenly, I felt a surge of heat coming from someone. It took me a few seconds to make out who it was. They had shaggy brown hair, a warm look on their face. It had to be Woody. Once I realised who it was, my vision cleared up a bit and my heart started beating how it normally did, at a steady pace.

"Alayna? God, you scared me," Woody whispered, looking over his shoulder, his hand still firmly on my arm.

"I'm fine. I'm fine," I assured him, feeling nervous.

Before he could question me, I rushed inside and scanned the room that the wake was being held in. I figured that I only had a matter of time before Woody told the others about what he just saw, so I needed to leave without being noticed.

Unfortunately, on my way out, I bumped straight into Mark, who was concerned. I couldn't help it, he took me aside and I broke down crying in front of him. Gently, he placed his hands on my shoulders.

"Alayna. Know that you can tell me anything."

"Desmond, he was a big part of my life, and while some things may have come between us, he's gone."

Mark hugged me close to him, and I must have cried in his arms for a good few minutes, and it felt really private away from everyone else. I was so glad he was there, honestly. Being by the graveside had been awful. I kept getting flashbacks.

After the wake, I went back to Mark's house. I was too scared to tell Dan directly about the panic attacks and everything. It was so much easier to talk to Mark than Dan, even though I knew I shouldn't have compared them. It was as if he knew how to comfort me. I stayed at his flat for a little before going back to my flat.

I must have fallen asleep upon going back to my flat, because Dan appeared a few hours after I woke up. He was often busy. However, the look on his face showed something different. It was a mix of angry and upset.

"Come with me," he ordered.

Without questioning him, I followed him. We got in Dan's car and he was driving faster than he usually did, and it made my heart race. I thought about questioning him about where he was taking me, but I thought better of it. I could see a vein bulging on the side of his forehead and I didn't want to anger him further.

Sometime later, we pulled up near the Bastille household. Dan led me inside, and I suddenly felt nervous because all the guys were there. Woody gave me a sympathetic look before trying to disappear, until Kyle got hold of the collar of his shirt. Will cleared his throat as he watched things unfold.

"So Woody knew about your panic attacks, you didn't tell me," Dan accused.

I nodded. Kyle gasped as if he was surprised, and Woody nudged him with his elbow. Will coughed, and all eyes were on me.

"So you thought you'd curl up with Mark?"

I blinked at Dan. He'd never, ever had a problem with me going to Mark for help before. In fact, he had advised it originally.

"Dan," I warned.

Making false accusations was not going to move our current relationship status forward at all. Why was he acting in that way? Before anyone could say anything, Mark walked through the door.

"As if on cue," Dan hissed.

Mark seemed taken aback by Dan's tone of voice, and there was no telling what was going to happen next.

"That night, when Alayna kissed you, did you kiss her back?" Dan asked.

There were protests from Woody, Will and Kyle but they were soon silenced by their lead singer's stare.

"Don't be ridiculous," I said.

"Did you?" he felt the need to ask again.

All eyes were on Mark, and when he was taking more time than expected to reply, my heart sunk a little.

"I did."

My eyes widened. I hadn't remembered Mark kissing me back because I had been so drunk that night I stayed at his flat. I understood the situation and I had no idea how Mark was going to get himself out of it. Dan Smith was beyond angry.

"You did? You're...sure?" I had to ask Mark.

Slowly, he nodded, drumming his fingers against the wall. My heart was on fire and I didn't want to anticipate what was to come. Dan ran his hands across his face and started tapping his foot against the ground. I didn't want to be in the room when things were going to kick off, spiral into complete madness.

All of a sudden, Dan took a quick step toward Mark. However, Mark had anticipated it and stepped back smoothly, putting his hands out in front of him. I watched the rest of Bastille, surprised that they weren't stopping Dan from acting so damn impulsively.

"Dan. I'm not going to touch you," Mark warned.

Dan didn't care, because he immediately drew his fist back and punched Mark clean across the face. _Damn, it looked so painful._ Mark nodded.

"Look, I'm sorry. It was in the moment, I swear, Dan."

Unexpectedly, Dan turned around to face Will, and he asked him whether he would kiss me in the same situation. Will cleared his throat and looked away from Dan, and I guessed that was his answer. He opened his mouth to say something, but said pretty much nothing.

I was about to go until the door went, and Joseph appeared. He looked straight at me, and I realised that he had bee looking for me. _Shit._

"I want to know more about Desmond, if that's okay."

I nodded. Anything to intervene with the current situation. Joseph looked at Mark's bruised face questionably, and the stance that Dan was in but he said nothing. I was going to lead Joseph into a room away from the others, but he came to a halt.

"Can you not say it in front of everyone here? I mean, we all saw him die," Joseph pointed out.

I turned around to face him, and his words reminded me of someone who I once knew until very recently. My eye twitched slightly. Joseph had put me in the kind of position that if I said no, it would be bad.

"There's obviously a lot about my twin brother that I didn't know, so tell me. Tell all of us," Joseph urged.

To my surprise, he smirked at me and pulled up a chair. The way he was talking to me, it just reflected Desmond. What I was witnessing was Joseph's alternate ego. Unfortunately, that was Desmond Green. Hey, someone had to be the lesser of two evils.

Mark began, "Joseph-"

He was soon silenced by Dan shooting him a dirty look.

"You are in _no_ position to say anything," Dan warned.

It was enough to keep Mark silent. I stood where I was, because I didn't really know what to say. I didn't want the whole of Bastille, my dead ex fiancé's twin brother and Mark finding out.

There was one moment in time I had locked inside my head. It was only then I started to think about it more, when Joseph put me on the spot in front of everyone.

"We argued about you, once. I said that he should be more like you."

The penny must have dropped, because Joseph scoffed. I knew that he was angry with me, and I didn't know how to react him being angry.

"So you're the reason he died. The reason he killed himself," he accused me.

At the moment, I guessed that he was feeling conflicted with his feelings. Joseph wouldn't look me in the eye, but I wasn't going to go home and cry about it.

"I was a contributing _factor_ ," I corrected him.

Once he knew what I was referring to, he gulped. It must have caused him to get down off his high horse, because he understood now.

"Why won't you tell me? There's got to be more things he said to you. That he did to you."

I sighed deeply, running my hands through his hair. The new and improved Alayna was more than happy to tell Bastille, however painful it may be. The world was not as simple as that, however.

"I won't talk ill of a dead man. It isn't right," I told him.

I heard a couple of sighs coming from the guys as well. It wasn't like I would be marching myself to the nearest police station to report an attempted rape and emotional abuse. In my heart, I felt as if doing that would be wrong.

"I thought of our youth at the funeral. When I first met him. That's what kept me there. I'm sorry for your loss."

Joseph seemed to accept my answer, and he snapped out of his Desmond phase and looked around the room.

"Why is there so much hostility?" Joseph wondered.

"Because Mark kissed Alayna," Woody answered, immediately dropping Mark into the firing line again.

The air was getting thicker. Joseph and Mark looked at each other, and Mark sighed deeply in reaction to Woody pointing the finger. When Joseph didn't react, I had never seen Dan so pissed off, ever.

"You two have kissed, haven't you?" Mark figured, a smirk spreading across his face.

Joseph scoffed to protest, but the observation was already out there.

"I knew they looked too cosy," Will commented.

I folded my arms, shooting an accusing look at Will. I took extra care to make sure that I did not look too cosy with Joseph.

"It's a long story."

At that moment, Dan's anger had no limit because he immediately put his hands together and looked straight at me. His electric blue eyes were sending violent shockwaves toward me, and even I wasn't sure how I was going to avoid them.

"Tell me, because I have _all_ fucking day for your lies."

"Dan, I have my reasons," I warned him, before things got too out of hand in front of everyone.

We'd argued before, and I had absolutely hated it. I had hated it so much that I had run off the Mark's, where the kissing event had happened.

"Like you haven't lied to me before?"

"Don't hold my _anxiety_ against me."

When I realised that things were spiralling, I wasn't sure whether to continue arguing with Dan or go home. Nobody was intervening. We had to sort things out before we both said things that we would regret, things that we wouldn't be able to come back from.

"I love you, and I want to be with you. Can you deal with that?" Dan asked suddenly, and in front of everyone at that.

My eyes widened at the sudden change in tone.

"I can deal with that," I mumbled under my breath.

He pulled me closer to me, and that must have been one of the very few times he had admitted that he loved me. When I realised where we were, I wriggled out of his arms, since everyone was watching us.

Maybe things were getting back to normal again.

 


	30. Feeling it

While we were in that room with everyone, I thought I owed one thing to Joseph. I told him to stay where he was. I disappeared into my room, getting on my knees to fish something out from underneath my bed. My heart was racing, because I hadn't properly looked through the box in many, many years. Gathering enough courage, I opened it and picked it up.

Emerging out of my room, I walked toward Joseph and handed him the box. I expected him to start looking through it, but he just stared at me blankly. Of course, Joseph had never been the artistic, expressive twin, so I had to somehow explain things to him. In one way, it had been the biggest secret I had kept from everyone.

"From the day Desmond I met, we kept a photo album. Captioned it. There's about one or more for every day. I don't know if you've gone through Desmond's things, but he kept one too. Not just of us, but of everyone."

Reluctantly, I laid a couple of them out in front of everyone. Of course, the guys took interest and looked through a couple of them. Some of them featured the Alayna from a decade ago, it hugely varied. The one I wanted him to see, I found.

It was an old picture, but it got the memories, the good memories of Desmond across. It was a simple picture of me, Desmond and Joseph holding hands. It was from about six years ago, but it was enough to change the expression on Joseph's face.

"I suggest you take these."

Joseph nodded and took the photos, and it seemed as if a weight off my shoulders had been lifted. He apologised for his behaviour and he was about to leave when Dan took notice of one that was left on the floor. Dan smiled at the photograph.

"Who's this? You guys look really happy here," he wondered, and everyone except Joseph gathered round to look at it.

The photograph showed a sunny day in May a couple of years ago. My sister and I, plus a friend, all had our summer clothes on. Demi-Leigh had been younger then, and we were standing in a field (despite her summer allergies) grinning like idiots. The other girl in the picture had long, dark hair, and she wore a white dress with patterns on. A weak smile appeared on my face.

"That's Louise, a school friend," I answered gently, the memories coming back to me now.

To show his sympathy, Joseph smiled at me weakly before leaving the Bastille household. I only hoped he would remember the good memories of Desmond that we all had left, because that was the only way he could heal himself.

Dan pulled me to his side and kissed my cheek gently. I suddenly felt embarrassed, as we didn't usually choose to show affection in front of the guys.

"I've got to go and meet Demi, but I'll see you later," I whispered.

Shortly after that, I left the Bastille household and caught the bus. Lately, I'd been thinking about buying a car. In truth, since I was travelling so much, I would waste money on insurance. For now, I figured that it was best to just use the bus. The guys were going on tour abroad, and Mark had asked me recently but I wasn't sure. I had a lot of clients to work for in the U.K.

My thoughts often drifted away when I was on the bus, so I got my phone out and a pair of tangled earphones and spent some time going into a random album in my music library. I sat back and tried to relax a little, but the album was _Wild World_ so all I could think about was Dan, and how much I wanted to take charge of our relationship like I should have a year ago. As soon as he and his bandmates kidnapped me, as soon as Dan had a massive argument with Will, as soon as we had sex...

I snapped out of it once I realised that the more I thought about it, the longer the bus journey started to get. Soon enough, it was time for me to get off, and I thanked the driver and stepped off the bus, landing myself onto a quiet street.

Or so I thought.

One second, I was looking at the world beyond me, the next, I heard a large, booming crashing sound coming from the distance. I squinted my eyes to work out where exactly it was coming from, but I wasn't sure. Once the large, crashing sound was followed by screaming and people running in my direction, I had to wonder what was going on. Mothers were scooping up their children, students were dropping their books...

Then I saw.

It was a car, and in my moment, the colour or the make wasn't of much importance. All I saw was it lose control and it made a horrible, loud skidding noise. Suddenly, it was spinning out of control, then it overturned. The car overturned, and it was heading straight toward me at a speed I had never, ever seen in my whole twenty five years.

In shock, I did nothing but stand where I was because I realised why people were running. In that moment, I thought of Dan. My sister, my family and my friends. I began to question why I had been thinking of them, but I knew the answer. I'd been thinking of them because I knew that I would be done for. It wasn't really how I pictured dying.

As if time froze, their was a brunette woman in the distance. She was the only one who wasn't running. Instantly, she made eye contact with me, and the eye contact was so strong. The woman, she said something, shouted something, though my ears were blocking it out/ Still, she dropped her shopping bags and headed full speed in my direction. My life flashed before my eyes as the spinning, flying car was heading towards me and this woman was by my side, pushing me and diving with me to get me out of the way.

I didn't remember much after that, apart from seeing a bright coloured vehicle parked up on the pavement, a damaged car blocking the traffic and a couple of pedestrians trying to look at what had happened. What I did remember is Dan sitting beside me in a little cap so that nobody would recognise him. What I did remember was my sister and her fiancé sitting by my side, and my sister trying to annoy me, waving her hand in my face. My vision cleared up a little. Dan was holding my hand. What I did remember was the woman who I had made eye contact with, and she was standing some distance away from me.

"Thank you. You saved her life, could I get your name?" Dan wondered, and some events of what had happened before I must have blacked out came back to me.

"It's L..." the woman answered, her voice getting drowned out by my beating head.

Unfortunately, I couldn't clearly make out the woman. I knew that everyone wanted me to start talking as if everything was fine, but I guessed that my body refused to move because of the shock. My eyes were wide open, and my vision was fine now, but I had to try and focus on what was happening.

Suddenly, Dan placed a hand slightly left to my chest, and his face was calm. From what I could tell, I was fine.

"Alayna. Alayna. This is your heart, can you feel it? Can you feel it?"

I exhaled deeply, looking around me. Then, I threw my arms around him at once, feeling really happy that he was here with me. However, I recognised the woman in the distance.

"Louise?"

She smiled at me, and it was the same smile I had remembered since the day she left after all those years. Well, that was typical of Louise Briana Wood. (For short, she went by Louby.)

"Alayna."

It had to be her, I mean, I wasn't going insane. Demi greeted her, and they started talking for a few minutes. I wanted to talk to Louise, but her facial expression suddenly turned cloudy.

From what I could remember, we arranged to meet at a later date because Louise had suggested a brilliant idea which would help me and everyone else I knew.

The brilliant idea was demonstrated twenty four hours later, and the idea, in itself, was crazy. Bastille, Mark, my sister, Joseph and Louise were sitting in one room, and there was already quite a lot of tension. Louise suggested that if we could all talk about our problems, then maybe things could be resolved. However, Joseph wasn't being cooperative.

"Problems? What do you know about problems?" he rudely hissed at Louise, and I could tell that things were going to get very uncomfortable very fast.

"I know how to feels to lose someone to drugs. That's all," Louise replied.

The air was starting to get very thin, because Joseph was clenching his fists and his head was lowered to the ground.

"Why are you so angry? You hated Desmond," I cut in.

I got a huge nudge in the arm from my sister, and she commented that it was an insensitive thing to say but Dan and Louise silenced her.

"I'm angry because the probability of Linda's death being his fault is looking very, very high," Joseph answered.

We had to admit, though we hadn't discussed it al l together, it had been on our minds. Hell, it had been on my mind for a while. However, the conversation was taking a horrible turn and I didn't want to contribute towards the crash.

"You're going about it all wrong. Linda was a user."

Joseph shuffled in his chair slightly to look at Louise, and I was starting to wonder whether she was making up lies or not. Well, we all knew each other and we went way back."

"How the fuck do you know that?"

"Because she told me. She called me on the night she died. I got there too late. There were police, everywhere."

Silence filled the room again. At least we all knew the truth, because Louise certainly wasn't a liar. Plus, what reason would she have to lie?

"It still doesn't mean anything," Jospeh mumbled under his breath.

"On the day I met Alayna, I lost my family."

I was started to get uncomfortable, and I cleared my throats but Louise didn't get the message. Things were going to get very emotional very fast.

I listened, my pulse quickening as Louby explained her story. On her way home from school to find that her house was in flames because of some kind of explosion related to drugs. Her little sister, who had inhaled too much smoke, managed to get out of the house but it was too late, she died in Louby' arms. I happened to hear the explosion and I went to check if everything was okay, and that was how Louise and I met.

Jacob applogised quietly, but nobody's apology was enough for the loss Louise suffered that day.

"I have to go now anyway. Thanks a lot."

"Lou," I said, trying to stop her.

A dark-haired boy appeared out of nowhere, peering out from behind the door. Louise's face turned white.

"Mum? I've been waiting for-"

He stopped, and looked at all of us sitting in a circle. There was something familiar about him. Anyway, there were gasps.

"You have a son?" Demi's voice boomed off the walls.

For once, something had came along that Louise couldn't lie her way out of. Her face was blank for a moment until she told the boy to wait outside.

"Yes. That's Brad. I'm leaving now," Louise stated, but it wasn't enough for my sister because she got up and grabbed her arm.

Then came about the question of how old the boy was. When Louise told us that he was ten, my brain was frying at the maths going on in my head. _That could only mean that she was seventeen when she gave birth!_ Louise was two years older than I was.

"How could you keep a secret like that from us?" I said to her, and my mouth was wide open.

"Whatever, Lay. I gotta go," Louise dismissed.

With that, she left with her son and we were all blinking each other. None of us sitting in the room knew each other _at all._ Joseph came up with the worst conversation starter.

"Anyone here touched drugs, then?" he asked, as he lit a cigarette.

Kyle quietly warned Joseph not to smoke inside the Bastille household or he would run him over with a car. That was enough for Joseph and he put his cigarette away. Nobody said anything g at first before Joseph cleared his throat.

Mark raised a hand, and I wasn't surprised because I saw him smoking weed twice. Followed by Mark was Will, though I suspected he didn't touch it anymore because of his high blood pressure problems.

Unfortunately, Will looked straight in my direction. Woody and Kyle's attention was on me. _Not here, Will, I said quietly inside of my head._

"Alayna," Will coaxed.

I scrunched my nose, because I knew where the conversation was going. He had caught me when I was a little high, after all.

"Okay. Fine. I smoke weed sometimes," I admitted.

Dan and my sister protested before Woody cut in with his damned positive energy all of a sudden and shut them up.

After our little counselling session, Dan came back to my flat, though I wasn't sure why because I thought he had been angry with me.

"Alayna. I don't want you to turn to drugs, I want you to turn to me," Dan ordered, in his low, raspy voice.

For a moment, I blinked at him. He slowly placed his arms on my sides.

"Whenever you feel you need to take the edge off," Dan whispered.

I gave him the go-ahead to place a kiss on my neck, and I sighed deeply at the contact he made with my skin. _I would happily ditch drugs._

I smiled at him, leading him into my bedroom. For a while, I'd been worrying about our sexual chemistry.

I wasn't worried. My heart, I could feel it.


	31. Hangin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know what to say but yeah to avoid spoilers, I'll warn you guys  
> It involves hot coffee

With a smile on my face, I woke up next to Dan. To my surprise, he was already awake, blinking at me. He pulled my barely clothed body close to his side, passionately kissing my lips and whispering in my ear.

"I love you," he whispered gently.

My eyes widened and my heart skipped a beat at how open Dan was being. I guessed that the rest of the band didn't really see that side of him.

"I love you too," I replied quietly, feeling my face go hot.

I hadn't really been that close to any other guy except Desmond my whole life. I had never cheated on him (apart from kissing Joseph, taking a picture and sending it to him to try to bait him to come back home after storming off to his dormitory in uni). Kissing Joseph had been very, very weird because we both devised a plan to lure him back. It worked, and that had made me smile.

Dan and I sat up for a while, and we cuddled. It had been a long time since we shared that level of intimacy. It felt good, feeling his warmth. He comforted me, and his presence always made me feel calm. I linked his fingers with mine.

My mood was a bit better than normal, because we'd been invited to a presentation at Jordan's IT company (my sister's fiancé). It was about the development of some new technology that for some reason, Mark and Woody were absorbed in. We got there, and I didn't see what all the fuss was about. Jordan was meant to be giving the presentation, but someone had to step in for him since he had either called in sick or was a no show.

It was very unlike Jordan, and I started to worry where he was.

After the presentation, nobody really clocked onto my concern. Well, the guys hardly knew Jordan. Just when I thought he hadn't made an appearance, I caught sight of him. Not because of his face, or anything. I just knew it was him. Dan and the guys were on their way out when I decided to make my move. Jordan disappeared into one of the computer rooms, and I followed him there. Dan grew curious and followed me too.

"Jordan," I called his name firmly, and there was no running away from me now.

As soon as I called his name, the guys came in soon after. Jordan took no notice of them. All I saw was a man in a hoodie and a cap. The style was very unlike Jordan, too. He turned around slowly.

"What's wrong? I haven't heard from my sister for a day. This is weird," I asked him, hoping he could provide an answer.

Nervously, Jordan gulped. He said nothing, except he slowly removed his cap and his hood. We all gasped when we saw the scarlet bruises on his face, and his cut lip. At first, he hesitated before saying anything.

"Who did that to you?" Dan wondered, and I guessed that he was reasonably close enough to ask so.

Slowly, Jordan sat down. It was obvious he had been trying to hide the bruises on his face. He didn't make eye contact with any of us either.

"I came home from work yesterday. Leigh, she was screaming. I-I don't know why, the whole house, it was overturned. She threw something at me. I don't think she knew it was me, I woke up, bleeding, I had to walk to A and E...she took Rilo and she left," Jordan explained.

After he explained everything, I had to let it sink in a little. My sister, the high-flying one, the lawyer with all the morals. Could she be capable of doing that?

"Demi wouldn't do that, would she?" I whispered to Dan.

In response, he tightly squeezed my hand. After all the stuff that happened with Desmond, even I was incapable of knowing what anyone was capable of.

"Lay, I just need to know where she is. I need to know where _my son_ is," Jordan said slowly, and I could see the pain all over his face.

It was in that moment that I knew I had to somehow track down my sister without involving the police. It was obvious that Jordan was worried out of his mind, not seeing his son for almost twenty four hours. I nodded.

I went back to my flat with Dan, only to get a call from my sister. Quickly, I answered it, and she explained that someone had broken into the house. She thought the burglar was Jordan, and she needed somewhere to stay, so I let her inside. I reached to grab my phone to call Jordan when she arrived, but she was strongly against it.

"Leigh. That boy loves you, he'll understand," I dismissed, and she seemed content enough with my analogy.

Dan and my sister tended to a crying baby Rilo as I called Jordan and told him where to find his fiancé. He walked through the door minutes later, happy enough to see his son and Demi.

"Is this all right? We don't mean to intrude," Jordan wondered about the whole living situation.

I shrugged my shoulders. It was okay with me because Bastille were going on tour soon, and they usually let me stay in their various accommodations plotted around here and there whilst I did my work if I wasn't able to tour with them.

That night, we were a bit restricted with my sister and her boyfriend staying over, so we just cuddled. I feared they would be able to hear us if we kissed, so we didn't do that either. I stayed pretty still on the bed, because if my sister heard any creaking sounds she would be quizzing me on how good Dan was in bed like nobody's business.

Feeling confident enough to, I linked my hands with his and looked deeply into his eyes. Life had pushed us apart and brought us back together again. Desmond's death had just made us stronger. Dan and I, we both needed each other. I bit my lip, looking at his overgrown almost black hair and his soft, pale skin.

"Hmm, when did you know?" I asked him.

By the grin spreading across his face, he knew exactly what I was talking about.

"That's a tricky one. I wanted to fuck you from when I first pinned you to that wall."

My eyes widened, because we hadn't even talked to each other like that when we had had sex before. It sent good chills down my spine. I bit my lip, liking exactly where the conversation was going.

Our noses were touching, and we were breathing so heavily. _I so badly wanted to touch him, it was unreal._

I put my arms around his neck. Well, there was one thing we could do.

"We're going on tour in a week. I'd love for you to come and join us."

I smiled at him. How on earth could I possibly say no to that invitation? I loved going on tour with him and Bastille.

"I'd like that too."

A week later, I went on tour with Bastille. As you like, I was their cameraman. I took a lot of good pictures, though we shared a lot of rainy days.

The best part of the tour was sneaking into Dan's hotel room. He'd just finished a concert and was absolutely exhausted. He'd sent me a text to come and visit him, so there I was.

I asked what he wanted, and he shuffled his legs anxiously. Dan gestured for me to sit on the floor in front of him. He studied me with his deep blue eyes and smirked at me. There was something different in the way he was staring at me.

"Alayna, do me a favour...I'd really like..."

My eyes widened as Dan got hold of the zip on his jeans and he pulled it down. I knew exactly what he wanted me to do. My face got hot. The first time we'd done the deed, we weren't as direct, so it was different for me.

I smiled at him, pulling down his jeans and boxers slightly. I mean, I had no problem pleasing him. We were an official couple now. It required minimal effort from me anyway.

After I was finished, he seemed pleased enough, as was I. Of course, I went to get up off the floor, though Dan got hold of me and pulled me gently onto the bed beside him. His eyes were filled with lust, not that I minded.

"Alayna..."

My face grew hot again.

"Ohh, you want to..?"

"I want you to ride me."

We were like two amateur teenagers at the whole thing, and it made me laugh inside. I let Dan put his hands on me and gently undress the lower half of my body. Soon enough, I was on top of Dan, enjoying every each of his skin with every movement I made. _I forgot how pleasurable the whole thing was._

The rest of the night consisted of Dan putting me in creative positions and us being reasonably loud. I loved every second of it.

I woke up the next morning to an empty bed and began to freak out when I remember that Dan said he had to go somewhere to pick something up. I got to my feet and slipped on my dressing gown.

Feeling bored without his warmth, I peeked into Woody's room, only to wish that I hadn't.  Just like I had discovered many times before, despite it being very close to noon, his curtains were shut and candles were lit around the room. He sat on the bed in a zombie state, staring at the walls.

Unfortunately, he saw me. In a flash, he was at the door, looking at me. My eye twitched as he opened the door fully.

"Alayna. How can I help you?" he asked, looking over his shoulder like he was hiding Satan in his bedroom.

My eye continued to twitch. Things weren't as awkward with the guys as I knew them all properly, though still. They had some _weird_ habits.

"Well, I was just seeing how you are. Enjoy your...uh, worshipping Satan," I reminded him, slowly backing away from him and his infected room.

Woody did something that I hadn't expected him to do. He smiled at me, grabbed my arm and winked.

"We can worship him together. Come on," he urged.

Again, my eyes widened and I had to wonder whether or not he was actually being serious or just messing with me.

Upon going into his room, we sat on the bed and Woody began to deal out a deck of cards. He hadn't declared whether we were playing anything or not, but up close, I took note of how long his eyelashes were. (Hey, they were all pretty attractive guys. I could stare while Dan wasn't around). Woody was focused on the cards. Once he had sorted them out, he told me to pick one and he would guess what it is.

Woody and I sat in silence for approximately a minute before he identified my card as the queen of clubs. When I asked him how he did it, he gave me a very weird answer.

"It's the candles, hangin' here. They help me stay in more tune with the world."

I chuckled nervously, wondering when the devil was going to pop out of Woody's wardrobe (which, I might add, was tiny because he only wore black and refused to wear any other colour).

"You know, I think you're Dan's candle."

At once, I felt a hot flush on my face at Woody's sort-of-compliment. It was very metaphorical, and I liked to be put on a pedestal.

"Before you came, honestly, he won't always show it, but we suspected he was only months away from a mental breakdown."

I thought that to be believable. I mean, it had been me and Woody who had witnessed Dan's anxiety, his depression and difficulty with things at first hand. When we were touring and he dropped a cup of tea and carried on as if nothing happened.

A few minutes later, I left Woody's room and was about to go back into Dan's when Will caught me. I thought it was best not to talk in the corridors in my dressing gown, so we went to talk inside his room. We hadn't really talked one-on-one in ages because of Dan's paranoia.

Will always got the nice room. He had a cool blue sofa and everything. In fact, when I had met him, I thought he was so cool and chilled out that it actually intimidated me. Will sat on the bed while I stood, and he told me he had some things to say to me about Dan. I listened with wide ears.

"Dan is so picky when it comes to girls. If we tried to set him up with someone, there would never, _ever_ be a first date. We were starting to wonder whether he was gay," Will joked, and I know how much it annoyed Dan when people said that.

He looked at me and smiled.

"I'm glad he's found you though. He's calmer. Less of a dick," he commented, and I couldn't really defend Dan because I didn't know what he was like without me around.

I laughed. _Seemed like everyone was in the mood to compliment me today. Maybe I liked being Dan's candle._

"I know you wouldn't, don't hurt him. As long as he's in a good way, I'm good."

I went over to Will, playfully rubbing my hands against his hair, and he _hated it_ when I did that, so he got hold of me and tackled me on the bed. I looked up at him, and it reminded me of the night-

Immediately, I shuffled away from him, laughing nervously. _Ah, no. There was no way in hell I was remembering that again._ What I had learned from Will was that he cared about Dan more than he made out. It was cute, I mean, who didn't love a good bromance?

"I mean, if you see him and he's upset, please try to get through to him. I used to be able to, but even now he has you, he's still halfway in that shell."

I nodded and told him that I would try to do my best, feeling a weight on my shoulders all of a sudden f something we're to happen to Dan. Before leaving, Will placed a hand on my shoulder and pulled me closer to him.

"I don't mean to put any pressure on you. Make sure you're okay, too," Will whispered into my ear.

Once I wriggled out of his arms, I left his room. I wanted to check on Kyle, though he was out (whilst he still had the chance). An hour later, Dan returned and I was so happy to see him, though he had to go and meet the guys at the studio later. Kyle had mentioned it yesterday in a passing conversation. They were meant to be there for two in the afternoon.

By the time they had gone, I was dressed and ready to start my day. (Most of it was usually spent on artwork or waiting for Dan to come home). Soon came half past two, and I got a knock on my door. I opened the door with a frown to see a tall man with a moustache and an angry expression. It was Kyle, and he looked really pissed off.

"Hey. Dan said he would catch up with us. He's gone AWOL. I'm so fucking mad."

My mouth formed a disapproving 'O'. It wasn't like Dan to just go missing. He was always complaining about how expensive studio time was. I tried calling him, but his phone kept going straight to voicemail. Kyle was getting more and more mad by the second, and I hadn't really seen him like that before.

"I let him borrow fifty quid," Kyle muttered, and I realised why he was mad.

Though, why had Dan asked for money in the first place? It was very unlike him to ask, especially me or his friends. Most times, he would give in to his parents or the stack of money in his bank account that he never touched. Kyle mentioned that he had left his key card behind, so we broke (not really) into his room.

The medication he usually took for his anxiety was _always_ on his dresser. This time, however, it was there, except pills were scattered everywhere and his room was upside down. I was worried now, in case something terrible had happened to him. Kyle and I stared at each other blankly, wondering what was the best thing to do.

Another half hour passed, and we were all waiting for Dan to come back to the hotel. There was no sign of him, and there was no denying that he had forgotten about the studio time. The guys couldn't start without Dan, so they came back to the hotel - along with an angry looking Mark. Of course, he wanted to be present when Dan did decide to turn up.

Me and the guys went down to the hotel's lounge. It was a pretty crappy bar. Nobody really recognised the band and nobody really saw any celebrities or mini-celebrities, so it was okay. I got something to drink. Looking at Kyle's watch, the time was ten in the night. Dan Smith still hadn't gotten back yet, and I was worried. I called him over and over, but it just kept on ringing.

The night of fun for us ended, and we made our way back to our rooms. We were in the corridor that our rooms were on when we saw Dan. His dark hair was sticking up and he was wearing his glasses too. He his hands in his pockets and was approaching his room when he stopped in front of it, realising he didn't have his key card. I told the guys to hang back a bit, and we watched him.

"Fuck. Fucking hell," Dan swore.

Our cover was perfectly fine until Kyle accidentally sneezed and Dan looked straight in our direction. We emerged from round the corner and he gave us all a hard stare before turning around and starting to walk away.

"Dan," Will called.

His voice went straight through Dan. His pace began to quicken, and we needed to think of something quickly.

"Dan. _Dan_ ," I called him, in a warning tome.

It seemed to be enough to make him stop. It was a slow process, but he managed to turn around to look at all of us, though we weren't very happy with him.

"Dan, I've called again and again. I was worried, where were you?" I had to ask, whether he wanted to talk to me in front of his friends or not.

Angrily, he marched over to me and took his phone out of his pocket, taking a sip from his coffee in the other. He turned his phone on, and it was on 100%. My facial expression shifted slightly. _That meant he had been ignoring every single one of our calls._

"You called me in the dead of night, I don't care. I wanted some space. I wanted to clear my head. I don't care," Dan snapped, and I didn't like the way he was talking to me.

_Space? We had sex almost less than twenty-four hours ago._

"What's your problem? Have you had too much to drink, is that why you're speaking to her like that?" Will asked, and I started to back away from the confrontation now.

I didn't want it to turn into that. What was to come, even I hadn't anticipated it. I hadn't prepared myself to fear the worst. Anger was spreading across Dan's face

"What's it gonna fucking take to get you all to back off?" he groaned.

"To be honest, I'd like my loan back," Kyle muttered, and that was where Dan Smith's rage emerged.

"The fuck did you just say to me?" Dan asked.

My eyes widened as Dan got closer to Kyle, and Woody had to hold Dan at roughly an arm's length away from Kyle. Judging by his behaviour, he couldn't be drunk. I mean, I'd seen drunk Dan before.

Then I realised. _Oh my God. Woody's skill with breaking up the fight. Dan throwing F-bombs around. That kind of thing had happened before. Many times._

"Dan. Can I talk? Inside, with you?"

Dan scoffed at me.

"Me? It isn't _me_ that's the problem."

I felt hurt as he snatched his key card from his hand. It took roughly thirty seconds for the door to open since the whole system was a bit slow and faulty. Dan couldn't wait, so he drew his foot back and kicked open the door. My hands shaking, I stepped into the room with him, closing the door behind me. That was my mistake.

"Why have you gotta strangle me, huh?" Dan accused, and I didn't like how he was waving his hands around constantly like a madman.

My eyes darted over to his messy room. OK, so we had established why he hadn't turned up, but there were still some things that were unclear.

"Strange you? I'm going to ask you this once, are you taking your meds?" I had to ask him.

Dan didn't answer me, and I didn't know what to think anymore.

"Why are you targeting me? I've had to put up with your shit for the past year. _Your_ depression, _your_ feelings, _your_ moods."

"Dan, you don't mean that!"

I suddenly felt hurt by what he was saying, and I wanted to shut him up somehow. At that moment, all we were doing was shouting at each other. I didn't want that to happen, that wasn't what I had imagined was going to happen. My heart ached at what was going on.

"I'm here for you, I want you to feel like you can tell me things," I expressed softly, hoping that would bring his voice down.

Hell, it didn't.

"I CAN'T! I FUCKING CAN'T!" Dan yelled at me.

At once, he flung his arms about and the lid came off his coffee. The next thing I knew, I was yelling out in pain at the burning, wet sensation on my skin. I yelled at the top of my voice at the hot, hot coffee Dan had just thrown over me. In that moment, I didn't know what to think. It wasn't love - _I was way beyond that._

When Dan realised what had happened, he blinked at me for a moment, kicked the door open and dashed the remains of his coffee in the corridor. The guys came in, and I wasn't sure whether they knew what had just happened. I sobbed loudly, running out of Dan's room and into my own.

That night was a haze, because I remembered packing my bags in a rush. I'd locked my hotel room door, and Woody had tried knocking a couple of times, but I ignored him. I was still crying, feeling like a pathetic teenager getting over her first crush. I tried to cover my arm as I rushed out of my hotel room, where everyone except Dan was waiting for me.

Kyle was the most concerned, and I was worried that he knew what had happened when I had talked to Dan.

"Alayna? You've got a bag, are you leaving?" he questioned me, and all I wanted to do was go home and get as far away as I could away from Dan and the hotel.

"I-I-I have to go. I-I can't stay here. I'll call you later," I stammered, pushing past them all.

How could he leave me there, sobbing? How could he leave me hanging like that?


	32. Alchemy

By three in the morning, I was at my sister's and she was babying me though I already felt really bad for waking her and fiancé up. I didn't know who else to go to, so I came to her, my face wet with tears and my legs trembling. Unfortunately, she found out about my injury because when she hugged me, I yelped in pain.

The three of us sat in the kitchen, where Jordan attended to my injury by applying cold water to it. I didn't dare look at my forearm, because I was too scared. Jordan assured me that it wasn't that bad and it would heal. Without much else being said, a bandage was wrapped around my arm, and I was as good as new.

Of course, they asked me what was wrong, so I would change the subject or start talking about something else. I pretended that I was really tired, though my adrenaline was keeping me up. I cried myself to sleep that night, feeling really stupid for putting all my trust into Dan, only for him to lash out at me and the rest of the band.

In the morning, I woke up, and I had a really nervous feeling inside my stomach. Jordan was already up and was about to go to work when he gestured for me to sit down. Politely, he poured me some orange juice and we sat down. I could see why my sister was going to marry him. I mean, he seemed to have a calming influence on everyone around him.

"Alayna...you may not want...to tell, _me_ , but you were in a state last night, and I think it has something to do with Dan. Correct me if I'm wrong."

I said nothing, and Jordan nodded. Despite my argument with him last night, another thought had popped into my head upon waking up. I shuffled around on the sofa uncomfortably, looking behind me to make sure that my sister couldn't hear.

"Forget about last night, I think...I think I'm late."

Jordan's eyes widened, and he shuffled closer to me on the sofa and put a kind arm around me. I felt like crying for months.

"Please. Please don't tell anyone," I sobbed.

"You're not sure...whether you want it to be his," Jordan realised.

Well, he was a smart guy. He nodded and agreed to keep the secret. I wasn't sure if I was pregnant, and I wasn't sure whether I wanted to carry Dan's child or not. I just didn't know. Maybe we both weren't good for each other.

When I heard the door knock, I perked up a little. My sister came rushing downstairs to open it. My jaw dropped when I saw Dan standing at the door. He hadn't seen me yet, but that was enough. Just as I was about to take to my heels, he made eye contact with me.

Pain.

My body made my mind up for me, and I ran towards the back door, fumbling for the keys. I opened it, swung the garden door open and ran as fast as I could away from the house. The only personal belongings I had on my person was my phone and my charger, and that was all I needed, as long as I was away from him. He disgusted me.

In fact, I could hear him calling for me.

I ran until I was sure that nobody was following me. I was in the middle of my old hometown when I saw Joseph. I made eye contact with him, and that was it. He came running over to me and I cried in his arms, feeling like a piece of shit. He walked us to his flat.

Why did away from him, my boyfriend?

Without telling me, upon taking me to his house, he called Dan. I went absolutely mad. Luckily, before he had called Dan, he'd called Will. Will came by first to check if I was all right, and I clung to him like glue.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realise something happened between you and Dan, I wouldn't have called him over otherwise," Joseph apologised, and to be honest, his apology was enough for me.

The door rang. Will looked at me, seriousness in his eyes.

"Dan came for you. Demi told us you ran away from him at full speed. Is that true?"

I gulped. Will was looking at me so seriously I felt inclined to answer. I mean, it was only fair on him and the guys, right? Slowly, I nodded and Will sighed. What if Dan was right? What if I was the problem?

Soon, there was a knock on the door, and I started to get fidgety although Will was trying to comfort me, despite his annoyance and how baffled he was by the whole situation. Dan took one step inside and I shot up from the sofa, trying to put some distance between myself and him. Joseph watched awkwardly.

I looked at the man who I had called my boyfriend. I almost wanted to kiss him, right there and then because of his dark hair, his casual style and his good taste in trainers. He was wearing his glasses, and he tried to step toward me, but I crossed my arms and started to look really uncomfortable.

"I just want to talk. Please don't run away from me," Dan declared, his eyes flashing that gorgeous blue.

Still, I didn't like the tone of his voice. My heart was racing. Didn't we try to talk about things last time?

"I can't. I don't want to be anywhere near you. Ever," I said firmly, and I meant every single world.

Joseph and Will exchanged confused glances. Then, they turned to us and I knew they were going to say something.

"Alayna, why don't you just hear him out?" Will suggested strongly.

I watched, my eyes burning into Dan's feet as he took a few steps toward me. Somehow, I managed to stand my ground.

"I didn't mean what I said. I'm so sorry."

I scoffed, and Dan's expression changed. How could I even think of raising a kid in that kind of bipolar environment?

"Please stay away from me."

I heard Dan and Will sigh deeply both at the same time. There was nothing more that could be done or said. I started by telling Will I needed him to drop me by the Bastille household because there was some stuff I needed to pick up. He agreed, Dan tried to tag along though Will dismissed the idea.

Immediately, I got inside, packing my stuff up. Kyle and Woody were there, and though they were itching to say something, they chose not to. I just wanted to get out as fast as possible before Dan came back. Unfortunately, he came back just in time.

This time, he stood in my way, and the guys weren't stopping him because it was obvious that they had chosen his side.

"Get out of my way. I want to leave, I want to forget we ever met."

Dan's expression didn't soften, and the was a cold look of pain in his eyes. It was so visible that I almost felt bad for saying it.

"You don't mean that," Dan said.

"I MEANT IT FROM THE MOMENT YOU THREW HOT COFFEE ON ME AND YOU LEFT ME THERE!" I screamed at him, and by the gasps in the room I suspected he hadn't told them that one detail.

At once, Dan's eyes began to tear up at the realisation that not only had he emotionally hurt me, but physically too.

"I wasn't...I wasn't in the right state of mind. I know what it looks like, after everything you've been through," he assured me, but it wasn't enough for him to say that.

"Right state of mind? You attacked me," I accused him, shouting at the top of my voice.

Woody stepped forward at that point and put a hand on my arm in an attempt to try and calm me down.

"I'm sure it was an accident," he whispered.

I knew in my mind that it was an accident, though it didn't really change things. My nerves calmed down a bit, and I put the bag I packed down.

"From the bottom of my heart, I love you, and I'm so, so sorry that I'm the reason those bandages are on your arm."

I felt warmed by his apologies, but like the burns on my arm, my emotions would take some time to heal. _Was I really a problem for everyone else? Did I get everyone else caught up in my problems, for the past year?_

"I guess...I overreacted slightly."

That night, as much Dan wanted me to sleep in the same room as him, I opted to sleep with Will. Dan said nothing though it was unusual, because it was Will who was highly against the matter. He asked why couldn't I go and sleep with Woody or Kyle, and I replied with: they have girlfriends.

I made myself comfortable in Will's bed. I could tell that he was itching to say something. He did something that I hadn't expected him to do. Will laid beside me, staring at me. He'd put us in a very awkward position.

"I _really_ think it would be better if you were in Dan's bed," he urged, and I refused.

Chuckling, I noticed that he started to get fidgety. I reached out to tickle his stomach, though he covered his lower half with the bed covers and his face turned red. When I clocked onto what was going on, I couldn't help but laugh and tell Will I would sleep on the sofa in the living room instead.

So, there I was, coming out of Will's room with a pillow and a blanket when I stopped in my tracks when I saw Dan working on some songs in the living room. I set up camp on the sofa and he watched me do so. I wasn't scared of him, I was wary.

When I couldn't sleep, despite how quiet Dan was being, I gathered my things and planned to slip into bed next to Will. To my surprise, Dan didn't stop me. As I slipped into Will's bed, I had to question _why_ he hadn't stopped me.

I woke up with another man besides Dan for the first time in what felt like forever. Will's soft lips were pressed against my neck. I hadn't thought about the touch of another man, let alone Will, and it felt really weird. Will's little _moment_ last night had really made me laugh. I turned around so that I was facing his chest, and Will slowly ran his hands down my sides, feeling my body. I said nothing because I knew what he was doing. Well, it was debatable since his eyes were closed. At some point, I did stop and think about the alternate universe where Will and I ended up sleeping together.

Eh. _Stop it. Thinking too much was dangerous._

"Mhmm, Amy. Don't go."

A smile formed on my face, and I was thankful for him saying that because it was a complete turn-off for me. _How many girls had Will been sleeping with?_

I was lying down, looking up at the ceiling since Will had his arm draped across my body. My face got hotter and hotter as his hand cupped my breast. It was a weird feeling, because the members of Bastille were like brothers to me, though brothers, whether asleep or not, probably wouldn't touch your chest.

"Will," I mumbled, though his name was lost in the thick air.

It wasn't like I could just get up and move. It wouldn't be polite, either. Well, I wasn't in a rush. Will touching me didn't _burn_ me, so I figured I could stay still a little while longer. My breathing got a little heavier as he moved his arm, resulting in him moving my chest. It sent chills down my spine.

And Will woke up. He yawned and greeted me like nothing happened, and all I could do was stare at him awkwardly.

Would it be so bad to let go of Dan?

I emerged out of Will's room. Woody was sitting on the sofa with Kyle and a really thick blanket. I thought about joining them, but Dan was sitting by the kitchen surface, scribbling all over pieces of paper. I disappeared slightly back into Will's room, and I jumped because he had been staring at me!

"Look, the sooner you two have sex, the better," he muttered.

I squirmed as Will pushed me out of his room. The guys greeted me, including Dan. Will rushed out of his room and dragged Dan out of the kitchen and shoved him into his room, along with me also! Once we were inside, Dan reached out to touch me, but he thought better of it. We were standing quite close to each other since Will had ushered us into the room, so he took a few steps away from me.

"You know I would never hurt you on purpose. Not like Desmond. I felt so bad, I didn't know what I was doing. I mean, I should give you some space."

"It's okay. I forgive you."

At that moment, I expected Dan to come up to me but he didn't. I realised that he was no longer the Dan I had met a year and a half ago. He was shy and in his shell, afraid of saying or doing anything that could offend someone.

As if it was some sort of coping mechanism, Dan sat down next to his piano and started playing a fast tune I didn't recognise.

_I will never write the way you do,_

_And it is way plain to see_

_You want alchemy,_

_Here right out of me_

_You want alchemy,_

He continued to play the piano, and I realised it was a song I had never heard before. It was probably one of his earlier songs that he hated talking about. I watched, in awe as Dan opened his mouth.

_I'll write you pop songs baby,_

_I'll write you pop songs baby,_

_I'll write you pop songs baby,_

_I'll write you pop songs baby_

_You want alchemy,_

_Here right out of me_

The song came to an abrupt stop. Dan told me that he loved me, and I expected him to kiss me, but he walked past me on his way out, and my heart felt somewhat empty. It was then when I realised that Dan must have been feeling upset because I had treated him exactly how I had treated Desmond.

Is that why he killed himself? Was I asking too much from Dan, so much that he could only rely on alchemy?

A month passed, and mine and Dan's relationship was fine. Scrap that, there was no relationship because we basically had declared ourselves to be in the 'close friends' category again. Whenever I was around, Dan would always keep me at an arm's length, and it was obvious that he wanted little more to do with me.

I almost had enough when I stayed over (yet again in Will's room) and wandered into Dan's room to discover a cheap lipstick on his bed. My eyes widened, and I wanted to destroy it with my eyes, the ugly shade of prostitute pink. Mark happened to be there, and we were having a cosy night in until I found the incriminating evidence.

I brought it outside of his room with me. Mark saw the look in my eyes, but there was nothing he or anyone else could do to stop me from mentioning it and bringing it to everyone's attention.

"This is what you said when you needed space?" I brought to Dan's attention, and his facial expression changed dramatically.

At once, he cleared his throat and walked over to me.

"Alayna," Dan warned, clearing his throat.

Even if we were friends, we should try to be honest with each other. Hiding things from me like that, they were important.

"You might wanted to have dropped that in? That you're fucking other girls?" I accused him.

He made very little eye contact with me, and I had to wonder whether we actually had been boyfriend and girlfriend once. _At least I had it in my right mind to keep it in._

As soon as I got home, I ate a whole tub of ice cream in under half an hour, I was that angry. I didn't give him a chance to explain himself because he didn't even need to. I was his little tour fling, and everybody stuck up for him because of _his anxiety._ Well, what about me and _my depression_?

I got my little diary out that my therapist had told me to write in every single day (since being diagnosed with depression) about events and my feelings, and I wrote them in there. I wrote exactly what I felt like. That I felt worthless, used. That people were just out to hurt me all of the time.

Anyway, I crouched on the floor to pick something up, and I must have gotten up too fast, because I remembered bumping my head off something and yelling out in pain, falling to the floor.

Unfortunately, as expected, I woke up in a hospital bed with my sister muttering about how I was lucky that Dan found me and I had suffered only a mild concussion. I was used to being in hospital a lot, and I got ready to go and everything, but my sister, Jordan, Dan and Will were in the room and they were all staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

"We need to talk about this," Demi said, pulling out my diary.

It wasn't the fact that she had stolen my diary from my home, it was the fact that she opened it up and went into the back of it, revealing a pack of weed. I rolled my eyes. _Here we go again._

"Are you addicted? Do you have a problem? What is it?" Demi questioned me.

I sighed heavily. Whatever the drug issue was, I didn't want to talk about it in front of Jordan because he knew about my little secret, the fact that I could possibly be pregnant. When I wouldn't answer her, she seemed defeated, and it wasn't like my sister.

"If you keep on going on like this, one of these attempts will kill you."

"They aren't attempts-"

"I've had enough. I've protected you long enough, but maybe it's time the rest of your family and your friends know about your depression, babe. What you've written in here..." Demi trailed off, and Jordan comforted her because she started to cry.

I sat on my bed, poking at my fingers and not wanting to talk to anyone about the contents of my diary. I didn't mean to accidentally knock myself out. My therapist had told me to write down my feelings, I had. What was so bad about that?

"Hey, um, could I talk with Alayna for a minute?" Jordan wondered.

Obviously, it drew attention that he wanted to talk to me. Not to my sister, but to Will and Dan. They filtered out of the room, and I was left alone with him.

"I think...before anything like this happens again, it's time to see if you're pregnant or not. These falls, these trips and stumbles won't be good for a baby," he urged.

I promised him, though I was too scared. Unluckily, Jordan had already thought of the idea of bringing a pregnancy test with him. He passed it to me, and I looked at it blankly. _Wow. Everyone must not trust me. I was late, really late. What if I was actually pregnant?_ It scared me.

I put it in my bag and went to the toilet. Honestly, I couldn't believe I was determining my future in a hospital cubicle. I waited and waited, my heart racing as I could only imagine the result. I kept on hoping it would hurry up so I could just get back to my sister's house. She declared that I was unfit to be living alone.

Finally, the verdict came, and it wasn't a work of alchemy. I wasn't pregnant, and I felt really relieved.

Jordan was low-key waiting outside the toilets for me. I whispered in his ear and told him the result, thinking that our secret was over, but he got hold of my arm.

"Alayna, if you're late, it's best to see a doctor. Promise me, just in case. It could be something serious."

I bit my lip, feeling anxious all of a sudden. I guessed that he was probably right.

"Okay. I'll see a doctor, I promise."

And that was a promise I would keep.


	33. Leaning Towards Despair

Dan came to see my GP with me. I explained to him, shorthand, that the feelings I had written down in the diary were real and some of them were enhanced by the depression. I knew he was concerned about me and whether he had caused these feelings or not, and I told him that wasn't the case. Really. My depression was more serious than I thought it was. It stopped me from communicating well with other people.

Anyway, my GP was quite nice and started asking questions about my diet. I frowned at her and told her that my diet was fine, though Dan did speak up and say that he and friends had been noticing changes in my diet. I say where I was, scowling at him. To get s clear picture, my GP asked what I would eat in a typical day, and I replied with some scrambled eggs and tortilla bread. She wasn't impressed.

In the end, she drew up a diet plan for me and told me to stick to it. My irregular periods were caused by my lack of food.

When she had asked me whether I had been pregnant or not, my face got hot and I said no. Dan questioned me about it on the way out, not that I could blame him.

"I had a scare. I talked to Jordan about it," I mumbled, though at least I was being honest.

Dan looked at me and hugged me close to his chest immediately, apologising that I had to go through it all alone.

In the car, there was tension between us and we suddenly started kissing each other. It was rapid and random, and we couldn't get enough.

Except, that had always been our problem, hadn't it?

Now, it seemed like words were all we had. I mean, we called for each other in the dead of night, and we replied. We seemed to live off each other's insecurities and flaws, laid out one by one. All we seemed to do was lean towards despair. Though, that had always been enough for us, hadn't it?

Inside, I was worried about Demi reaching out to my friends and most of all, my parents. My dad would understand, but my mum, for sure, would think about putting me in a home or something like that. Of course, that was the last thing I wanted.

Later on, I wanted to apologise to Joseph to barging into his house like that some time ago and bringing a full blown argument there. I knocked on his door, and he wasn't very happy to see me. I hadn't thought about how Joseph had been living since all of his siblings died in the last six months. Anyway, I apologised to him and even made him a cup of tea and put out a whole biscuit selection for him, though he wasn't very impressed. I didn't want to cut my ties with him, he was a childhood friend.

"You can't just barge in here thinking everything is all right. I appreciate this, Alayna, but I'm a broken man right now."

I realised that must have been the clear difference between Joseph and Desmond. Joseph always, at some point, admitted when he was wrong. He knew right from wrong, whereas Desmond only admitted his wrongdoings at the very end.

"Look, I'm the closest person you have, despite my ties to Desmond. Call me in the dead of night, and I'll be there."

For some reason, he was hesitant to make eye contact with me. He ate a biscuit to avoid further conversation and sipped his tea.

Eight hours later, I got three consecutive calls from Mark. I managed to answer the third one, and he was breathing heavily down the phone. At first, I couldn't make out what he was saying because his voice was shaking. When I could make out what he was saying, the first person I called was Louise. She understood straight away.

The three of us got to the hospital, and I went absolutely insane. I'd been visiting that place way too often. There, I saw Joseph in a hospital bed. I almost broke down when Mark told me what had happened. Joseph crashed his car.

Damn, why was everyone around me damaging themselves? Dan, Joseph, my sister and Jordan. Louise, running away from home pregnant and never contacting us again. Maybe we all needed to sort our problems out.

"I went to visit him earlier today," I confessed.

Louise and Mark raised their eyebrows, paying full attention to me.

"I told him he could rely on me, I don't understand," I trailed off, and Louise put an arm around me, telling me that everything would be okay.

Later on, we were told by a nurse and doctor that Joseph had a cracked rib and a badly fractured arm. We were very lucky that was all. The police showed great concern for him, because by the details they'd received by the crash, it seemed to indicate that he did it on purpose.

Oh, shit. _He told me he was a broken man I did nothing about it. Damn, I knew that I should have told someone about what he said to me._

A week later, we were all sat (yes, everyone including my sister, but not Jordan) in the Bastille household to welcome Joseph out of hospital. I already felt like shit, though nobody was prepared for what was to come. Joseph kept on muttering to himself about how it was unnecessary for us all to be there.

" _You_ crashed your car," I reminded him.

He scoffed. Kyle laughed, and Woody nudged him as hard as he could because it wasn't a laughing matter,

" _I_ didn't mean to," he replied in a childish matter, but the bandages on his arms said otherwise.

We all looked at each other. It was mean to be a warming atmosphere. Kyle had tried to feed Joseph, but he refused to eat anything, even those jam tarts. Louise looked a bit shifty, so I made eye contact with her.

"Not like I have much to live for anyway," Joseph muttered.

We all looked at him, and we all looked pretty sad because we didn't know what was the right thing to say to him. Joseph was self-destructing. All of a sudden, Louise cleared her throat.

"You do, because," Louise mumbled.

Silence fell. I knew that she had something so say, though I couldn't anticipate what. Louise, Demi, Joseph and I had all been good friends once.

"Because you have a son."

My eyes widened, and my sister and I shared the exact same look. Brad...Louise and Joseph? Together, connected?

"Err, but that was twelve years ago."

Wait. _Joseph and Louise had sex? Eek._ I was pretty sure that everyone in the room was imaging the act. Louise was very, very silent.

"You're fucking kidding me. You kept that from me for twelve years?"

The argument continued outside, and my sister practically pinned me to a wall and stared me down in front of everyone.

"Did you know?" Demi asked.

I cleared my throat, and that was enough for everyone to jump to conclusions. I rolled my eyes. It was best to let them sort out their own mess.

"They obviously had something going on back then. I had my suspicions, I didn't know they lead to Brad," I mumbled.

I decided to go out for dinner later. Dan and I were meant to be going out for dinner, though he couldn't make it (for some reason, and I was worried). I ended up in a restaurant with Will. (Don't ask). We ended up having dinner. Will's taste in food was satisfactory (despite moaning about how there were no pickled onions in the restaurant).

When he caught me daydreaming, he put a hand on mine. I caught his warmth, and it made me jump. My mind told me that I should only be doing things like that with Dan. Not to mention the weird moment I had shared with Will the other day.

Eh, my feelings were confused.

"Are things okay between you and Dan?" Will asked.

Whenever he asked me a question, especially in that serious tone despite his cool persona, I always felt inclined to answer. It was like I owed it to him or something.

"Why do you ask?" I wondered, seeing if I could deflect the conversation.

With my luck, it didn't work. I watched him chuckle and reposition himself on his chair a little, staring me out with those piercing dark eyes. I didn't want to tell anyone the truth. Though we'd been acting like it, we had actually decided to not be as close as we were before.

"Because you're squeezing my hand. You're not tensing up like you usually do and get all embarrassed."

I shook my head, trying to dismiss the topic. I didn't want him to continue, because he was leading on to some dangerous ground here.

"It's okay. You can lean on me," Will offered, gently squeezing my hand back.

He made slow eye contact with me and smiled at me, and it made my heart skip a beat. _Okay. Spending too much time with the guys was having a major effect on me. I wasn't about to become that girl that got happy when anyone paid her attention._

Quietly, I thanked him. We were just about to get the bill when Dan walked in. He'd obviously come from somewhere and was late. Originally, we were meant to be having dinner together. When he saw us, I saw him stare at us and everything went downhill from there. Though we thought it wasn't a good idea, we got into Dan's car and he took us home (whilst driving nearly forty above the speed limit) without anyone saying a word.

We got to the Bastille household, and I had no idea what to say. I got inside and flicked the kettle on. Will awkwardly hung about in the kitchen, greeting Kyle and Woody.

Ah, shit. The familiar sound of Dan resting his keys gently on the kitchen surface. The next thing he was going to do was look at me and rub his hands together before running his hands through his hair and fiddling with his glasses. After he did all of that, silence quickly came into the room.

"Is it going to be like this forever? You putting me at an arm's length? Can't we at least be friends, and I don't want it to be _distant_ , Alayna."

I didn't want a domestic, so I started to ignore him. It must have been the wrong thing to do, because Will turned around so that his back was facing Dan and he grabbed some sugar from the cupboard me to put in my tea. He used that opportunity to nudge me gently.

"An arm's length? I spent the night with you and you breakdown a day later!"

"I deal, I'm here for you and your problems. I'm sorry. Accept me, accept my apology."

At that moment, he walked a little closer to me, and we were barely within a metre of each other (alongside Will to the side of me). I supposed that we'd dragged the whole thing on for long enough.

"And I'm sorry you found that lipstick. It isn't mine, in fact, I don't even know what it was doing in my room," Dan admitted.

I was a bit taken aback by the whole lipstick mystery. I didn't wear that shade. Louise didn't wear that shade. Demi didn't wear that shade. Heck, even Charlotte didn't wear that shade, so whose...

"OK, it's mine. I had...someone over," Kyle confessed.

For the past few weeks, Kyle had been quite quiet, not that we had noticed that much. He never really had much to say, and that was the way it always had been. I figured the lipstick must have been his girlfriend's. Her name was Sandy.

"It wasn't Sandy, was it?" Woody figured.

And then the penny dropped. It explained why Kyle hadn't said anything when I had accused Dan of seeing other girls. Shamefully, Kyle nodded. Unless he told us the truth, our minds were going to jump to all sorts of conclusions.

"You, um...you cheated on her?" I had to ask him, as none of us were sure.

"I-I didn't plan to. _Believe_ me," Kyle replied, and that was enough.

Why were things so messed up? It was as if I was some sort of plague that had crashed straight into their lives. He then went on to explain how Sandy had originally cheated on him and they had been on the way to repairing their relationship, but now everything was in ruins and quite frankly, beyond repair. _Holy shit._

I told Dan that I forgave him and we could be friends for the time being. Later on I thought about paying Mark a visit. Of course, he was telepathic so I didn't need to tell him what was going on. He knew about the coffee incident, my concussion, me seeing a doctor. Great. Not to mention Will being in Mark's living room.

It was noticeable that Mark and Will must have been drinking because there were beer and wine bottles everywhere.

Mark had to pop out to get something, and that left me and Will staring at each other. Mark staggered on his way out. I'd been spending quite a bit of time with him recently, so it was weird. One minute, we were talking and he made me laugh, the next, I found myself staring at him.

_Ugh. No, stop it. That was Will, Alayna. He was like seven, almost eight years older. Then again, when had that stopped me before?_

The next, we were about to kiss, and _very close to it_ until Mark rushed in and declared that he'd forgotten his car keys. Then he saw us and his mouth dropped.

"Oh, no no no. OK, Dan and you need to sort your shit out."

He must have been angry, because he marched toward us and sat in the middle of us. Though, I was glad he stopped us. _That could have been messy._

"I mean, the sooner they have sex, the better," Will commented.

I raised my eyebrows.

I met Dan at the Bastille household, and we both seemed calmer. However, Sandy, Kyle's girlfriend was there and they were having a screaming match. Woody was trying to calm an angry Sandy down, but she refused to listen to anyone. Dan seemed concerned. Sandy was adamant to seek out the girl that Kyle had slept with.

Of course, I was the first girl she saw in the same proximity as Kyle and she marched straight over to me, grabbing my wrist. How the hell did she even find out? _Well, Kyle was a really honest person, she he probably told her himself._

"Is this her?"

I yelped at how tight she was clenching me. Will tried to break us apart, but was unsuccessful. Sandy reluctantly let go of me, and there was more shouting and throwing things. Then Kyle and Woody got into an argument about how Woody suggested it would be a good idea to tell Sandy.

In the end, I left the house and told Dan that we could arrange to talk at a later date. Fate seemed to be intervening. Fate _and my sister._ She called me on my way out, telling me that she wanted to get everyone together.

Hell, I wasn't sure why we all listened but quite conveniently she used the excuse of celebrating Rilo's birthday, to which I had forgotten about. _They day I ran out on Dan, and Woody told me he had been planning to dedicate a song to me._ I suddenly felt really sad that I never found out what that song was. What if I had gone to that concert, and we could have gotten together a lot sooner?

I would never know.

Arriving with my head held high (somewhat) I smiled at my sister and took baby Rilo off Jordan's hands for a little. He got a bit restless so I handed him over to Louise for a little. Joseph was in the same room as her, so that was a good start. I wanted an update, though. Whilst she downed some vodka, she pulled me aside.

"He wanted a DNA test. It came back, he's the father, but he isn't speaking to me. He hasn't spoken to anyone since our argument," she whispered, looking over her shoulder.

I gasped. _So she really had slept with Joseph all those years ago._ I had a funny feeling in my stomach, because Joseph seemed pretty hypocritical now. He had always put himself on a pedestal compared to Desmond and all his wrongdoings, but he slept with a fifteen year old when he was nineteen. Was that strange?

"He'll talk to me," I assured her.

Casually, I went over to a moody Joseph and sat next to him, his blond hair glittering in the dim sun that managed to get through. First, I tried poking him, but he didn't budge. Joseph and I were meant to be really close, so it hurt me a little.

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" I wondered.

I must have slipped up somewhere, because I watched as he got up, briefly made eye contact with me and sat somewhere else. Everyone else saw it too, and the anger spreading across Louise's face. To calm herself down, she helped herself to something more to drink and downed it with little effort. I knew I would regret it, so I pinched myself before I said anything. I realised the extent of how bad things were.

"Louise, what did you say to him?"

And there came the scoffing sound. I closed my eyes for a moment. It was Rilo's birthday party, and I didn't want to ruin it, but I loved Louise and I wanted things to work out for her in some way. The room suddenly went silent.

"I said that he was ignorant. I said that he was stubborn. I said that he was impulsive."

I closed my eyes shut for a moment, mentally preparing myself for what was to come. I could see Joseph watching us.

"I said that he was _just_ like Desmond."

And then Joseph got to his feet and marched over to Louise, staring her down. I could see the hate in their faces and I _really_ hoped it wouldn't escalate. Mark politely told them to calm down, but got a series of dirty looks.

"I am nothing like him. Do you know what he tried to do? He tried to rape Alayna, so don't you DARE say that I am _anything_ like my brother," Joseph yelled.

I heard the sound of Louise breathing deeply.

"Well, I am sorry for telling you that you have a son. Alayna, why wouldn't you tell me that?" Louise tried to defend herself.

At that moment, I made a hand gesture for Louby not to drag me into her argument. I didn't want to be involved. _Great having my past dragged up in front of everyone too. Loved it, I lived for it._

The only thing we could do was watch as the argument escalated, and I was left with baby Rilo and we made really weird faces to each other. He was way more entertaining than what was going on in my sister's kitchen.

Things got worse when Louise threw her drink all over Joseph. Woody tried to help clean it up, but it was clear Joseph didn't want anyone anywhere near him.

The party continued. _Toxic, toxic relationships._

Everyone was in the mood for an argument. For the last ten minutes, Kyle's phone had been ringing. We all saw that it was Sandy (for those of us who knew what was going on) and he had ignored every call. It got to the seventh time when Woody snapped.

"Kyle. Answer it, so help me God. It's your fucking girlfriend,"  Woody urged.

Kyle wasn't Kyle. He wasn't there. There was nothing in his eyes. I suspected that all he could hear was white noise.

"I can't speak to her at the moment," Kyle hissed, slightly raising his voice.

We were all heading towards very dangerous ground. I watched Kyle and Woody and I figured that one of them was going to get really mad very soon.

"Guys. Stop arguing. I've got a headache. Please," Will pleaded, and it was fair enough to say.

Suddenly, Kyle and Woody turned to Will.

"What would you know about being in an _actual_ relationship?" Kyle accused Will.

Out of all the times I had been with Bastille, I hadn't really seen Kyle and Will argue, so it was weird for me. Will stood firm, but he did seem really hurt and upset by Kyle's comment.

"What did you just say to me?" Will said, quickly making his way over to Kyle.

In an attempt to break up with confrontation before it suddenly turned violent, Mark grabbed Will's arm before he could do anything. Will broke free and slapped his hands away.

"Did you hear what he just fucking said to me?"

"I did. Chill. Chill a minute."

To be honest, I was surprised that Dan wasn't joining in on the confrontation. He sat where he was, jiggling his knee.

"Guess we all aren't as close as we used to be," Will mumbled.

It broke my heart a bit when Kyle and Woody didn't argue with him. I mean, someone had to do something before more things were said that couldn't be taken back. All of a sudden, I noticed Dan stopped jiggling his leg and closed his eyes. Of course, all the arguing probably wasn't helping his anxiety. He opened his mouth, and I guessed it would be to say something.

_Oh I feel overjoyed_

My eyes wondered, and I had to question whether opening his mouth to sing was the best thing to do at that moment. Nobody really paid attention. It was quiet, very quiet.

_When you listen to my words_

_I see them sinking in_

_Oh I see them crawling underneath your skin_

I watched as Dan sang the lyrics so effortlessly, fiddling with his fingers. Again, nobody was really listening, though it did catch my attention.

_Words are all we have_

It properly caught my attention when I saw him make eye contact with me. His stare, it went straight through me and to my heart.

_We'll be talking_

_We'll be talking_

_These words are all we have_

_We'll be talking_

Everyone stopped talking/arguing and turned to stare. I felt warmed somewhat by Dan's words and the passion he was putting into them, sending vibrations down my spine. _He was so gorgeous, and singing acapella. Not to mention his vocal range._ His singing even managed to calm baby Rilo down.

_And I hear you calling in the dead of night_

_Oh I hear you calling in the dead of night_

Woody, Kyle and Will's arguing seemed to cease, as Dan had reminded them why they had all got together. I heard the faint sound of Louise and Joseph apologising to each other. Will gave Kyle and understanding nod. My sister put a hand on my shoulder, took Rilo and went to go and help Jordan upstairs.

Anyway, I felt curious because Dan had brought a bag with him. He'd been fiddling with it for the last ten minutes, and it couldn't be a birthday present for Rilo because he'd already given it to Demi. I noticed that he looked me in the eye as he sang.

_You lean towards despair_

_Any given opportunity you're there_

Those lines, they reminded me of Dan and all that we'd been through together. All the stuff with Desmond, his anxiety, his paranoia, my depression...

_But what is there to gain?_

_When you're always falling off the fence that way_

At that point, Woody couldn't help himself so he swallowed his pride and started drumming his hands against his knees and the sofa accordingly to the song. Kyle and Will followed after him, providing necessary vocals. Again, it was just as I had said - Dan had reminded them.

Soon, it got to the point where the band neared the song.

_And I hear you calling in the dead of night_

_Oh I hear you calling in the dead of night_

_Oh I hear you calling in the dead of night_

_Oh I hear you calling in the oh the dead of night_

I watched them continue, and I felt touched. It suddenly came to me that I needed to start thinking about my relationship with Dan.

_Ooooooh_

_Oh I feel overjoyed_

_When you listen to my words_

The song finished with Joseph and Louise reluctantly apologising to each other and Will giving Kyle and Woody an understanding nod, followed by Kyle expressing that he didn't mean what he had said to Will in the heat of the moment.

Dan gestured for me to come up to him, and I did. It gave me the bag, and to my surprise, it had my long cardigan in it that I thought I had lost. Weakly, I smiled at him. Inside, I felt a bit sad because that might mark the end of our friendship. _He was nice enough to give it back to me..._

"I thought you might need it, in case you, you know. Go on any other dates," he whispered so that only I could hear, and he said it with a sad tone to his voice.

It was in that moment when I realised how insecure Dan was about my feelings toward him. Then again, I hadn't made them very clear lately. That was my fault. I didn't want him to be depressed. That song had reminded me of how much I wanted to be with him.

"I couldn't help myself, it was the song I was gonna dedicate to you," he mumbled.

 _Gosh, Dan Smith was so cute sometimes._ I smiled at him, taking his hand. We went outside, as words were all we had.

"I love you," he said to me with shaky breath.

"I love you too," I replied to him, my eyes connecting with his.

We kissed, and it was different to before. Our kiss was more meaningful, more raw. I linked my hand with his.

"I won't let anything come between us," I promised, as I cared about him.

Dan nodded, smiling at me. I always had someone to lean on - whether it was my sister, Louise, Joesph, Bastille or even baby Rilo.

It just took a Bastille song to realise that.

 


	34. Dangerous Ground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's mature, enjoy

That night, me and the guys went back to the Bastille household. Even though we both confessed our deep love for each other, Dan still wondered if I wanted to sleep in Will's room or not. I laughed and told him I wanted to sleep in his room only, and it made him smile.

Before I went into Dan's room, I went into Will's room to get my pillows from the other day. For once, he was actually in his room, sitting on the bed with his legs crossed. He seemed to be troubled, clouded in the mind or perhaps in deep thought. I was curious and wanted to ask him why, though I doubted Will would tell me his feelings. He always kept himself to himself. Who knows, he could very well have a girlfriend and none of us would know.

How could I blame him? I used to be like that too.

Politely, I smiled at him and told him I'd come in to collect my pillows. Will stared at me blankly, ignoring me almost, though he knew I was there, standing in his room. _He must be having a bad day or something._

Anyway, I sat on his bed to get my pillows. I wasn't sure what happened, but I must have miscalculated how far away my left thigh was from the bed, and I ended up slipping. Will caught me just in time. My eyes widened at the awfully suggestive position I'd accidentally gotten us into. One of Will's hands were on my chest, and the other firmly on my side. I was looking at him, and he was looking at me.

_Dangerous, dangerous ground._

We re-positioned ourselves at the same time, and I awkwardly said goodbye. _It was just like the day I met him. Weird._ I disappeared into Dan's room with my pillows. It had been a while since we slept in the same room together. I was so loved up with him.

I joined Dan, he was daydreaming on the bed. I sat on top of him, my legs either side of him and he grinned at me, putting his hands on my sides. _I missed him touching me despite all of our arguing. I missed his warm, song-writer hands._ We shared a passionate kiss, managing to hold it or about four minutes. (Yes, I counted).

We pulled back suddenly, and Dan had a worried look on his face.

"If you were pregnant...would you have...kept it?"

My brain started malfunctioning, because I wasn't sure how my boyfriend wanted me to reply to that surreal question. I thought about it whilst biting my lip.

"Of course."

Dan flashed me a smile before kissing me again. He did that cute thing where he would widen his eyes (not that I had mentioned it before) and look at me to make sure I was okay with him touching me. Gently, he touched my sides, swiftly resting my back against the bed with one leg wrapped around me. _When he looked at me with his eyes, all I did was melt. Fuck._ I felt my skin get hot as he ran his fingers down towards my stomach, and he looked at me slowly.

The next morning, I woke up, feeling somewhat annoyed that Dan had fallen asleep the moment I had taken off my bra last night. _Like they could put a guy to sleep!_

Mumbling to myself, I emerged out of Dan's room, poking my head out to make sure none of the guys were up because I was wearing my see-through dressing gown. When I was positive none of them had awoken, I went into the kitchen and flicked the kettle on. Will entered at that moment. He looked at me and immediately turned red.

"Morning, my mistake," I apologised quickly, though there was nothing more I could do since he already saw me. (The outline of my underwear anyway).

"Morning," Will replied, his face still as red as a tomato.

Weakly, I smiled at him before disappearing into Dan's room to put on a more figure-covering shirt. I came out, and Woody and Kyle were having a thumb war over the new table Mark had bought them. Upon walking out, they greeted me. I greeted them. The atmosphere was a little frosty still, though the guys were talking.

Though, there was something up with Will and I wasn't exactly sure what it was. There was something different in his eyes, like he had lost hope.

Naturally, I guessed it was about what Kyle had said. Not that it was any of my business, but Will seemed to have a bit of a reputation of being a player. Not that he did mess girls about, he just thought that relationships weren't for him. That had been my mind-set after running away from my abusive boyfriend.

Feeling concerned, I walked over to him and placed a hand on his arm.

"Are you feeling okay?" I wondered, putting a hand on his forehead.

Since Will was pretty reckless, every day, at some point, one of us always had to check whether he was taking his medication, _not drinking_ and not smoking. Mark was the only one who let him drink, though I wasn't a supporter of the idea.

Nevertheless, he said nothing and shrugged my hand of his arm. I looked at him for a moment, feeling slightly hurt. Will got up and disappeared into his room. Kyle and Woody shrugged their shoulders and said nothing.

In a less feeling-good mood, I went back to Dan, where he was lying in bed waiting for me. I smiled at him, and he pulled me closer to him so that I was sitting on top of him with my legs either side of him. Gently, I ran my hands along his lovely, bare pale chest.

"Morning. I really want you. _Really, really want you_ ," I expressed, my hormones at an all time high.

All I could think about was Dan, my boyfriend and the lead singer of British based band Bastille. My thoughts were clouded with him. Every inch, and speaking of inches-

"I've got an interview, but I can see what we can do tonight," Dan replied with that wacky, cheesey grin on his face.

I loved every inch of it.

From what I heard, the interview the guys had landed was with a little talk show once again, so I wished them luck. Usually, I would watch them live, though I fancied a bit of time to myself, wondering what perfume Dan liked me best in.

Anyway, it must have been about ten in the night when Will came back alone without the guys. He announced that they went out drinking, and he felt a bit misplaced. I told him it was fine. He seemed a lot better than he had since the morning.

Besides that, he seemed to walk in some kind of daze. He would come to a halt in the middle of the living room as if he forgot what he was doing. Then, he stumbled into his room and sat down on the chair next to his bed. I was worried, so I had follow him there. Will mumbled, telling me to leave him alone.

Despite not wanting to go against his wishes, I did. Linking my hand in his, I looked at him very slowly, placing a hand on his forehead. It was hot. Will was _sweltering._ He closed his eyes for a moment as if he was in pain.

"Will? Will? Are you okay? Maybe I should ring an ambulance."

_Damn idiot not taking his dosage._

"No. No...Alyana...it's okay. It'll pass."

I asked him if he was sure, and he nodded. I continued to watch him struggle for another minute, the sweating subsided and he was okay. I sighed in relief. Will broke free of my grasp and jumped in the shower.

Feeling bitter, I sat in Dan's room, waiting for him. I didn't really like the drunken version of my boyfriend, let alone wanting to have sex with him. _Guess I would have to wait until tomorrow._ I sat on my bed.

Ten minutes later, Will popped his head round the door to Dan's bedroom to see if I was still awake (old habits died hard, Will had always had magic fingers that put me to sleep) and he seemed a lot better. Not to mention how much more good looking wet hair Will was. _Hey. I could perv on my boys._

"Um, Alayna, you haven't seen that black shirt have you? I think Kyle stole it."

Well, they were the same size. I shook my head in confusion. They were always getting their clothes mixed up because they all wore black, all of the time.

"I haven't seen it. You can always go out shirtless."

Will scoffed at me and laughed at my crappy attempt of a joke. We locked eyes with each other for a minute. When the minute was too long, my eyes darted to the ground and Will quickly went to go and get changed.

Less than an hour later, a rowdy, drunk Bastille entered the house. Will was awake and probably hovering in his room. Kyle went to go and check on him and I was left with Dan and Woody. I kissed my boyfriend, surprised to discover that he was sober.

We were in our room (and it felt strange saying that) and we were kissing when Dan pulled back from me and groaned about being tired. I looked at him and nodded, it was fair enough. He had to look out for number one sometime, right? I went to bed that night, missing his touch.

Surprisingly, when Dan woke up the next morning he was in a more loving mood. We shared a few passionate kisses, and I even dared to take my dressing gown off. He smiled st me, feeling my body with his massive, warm hands as I sat on top of him. _I wanted him so, so badly._

Just as we were about to share another kiss, Kyle walked in. When he realised his mistake, he apologised. My face grew hot, and I got off Dan (luckily I was covered a bit by the bedcovers) and put on my dressing gown, though my underwear was still visible through it. Dan straightened up a bit.

"Yes, Kyle?"

Kyle looked as if he'd seen a ghost. He was trying to adjust his vision (which meant fixing his gaze on Dan for a lot longer than usual as opposed to me).

"Errrr. Okay. Uh."

Kyle walked out of the room and came back in with some kind of hotel voucher.

"You two. A room away from here. As much time as you want. Um, they were gonna be for me and Sandy. Take them. Go wild."

Dan took them and thanked him, mumbling about how the guys were acting as if we didn't already have a room to ourselves. I smiled at Kyle and he left. I looked at my boyfriend and I was looking forward to spending some time alone with him.

A week later, Dan and I got all set to go to the hotel as planned, until he got a phonecall. The guys were due to go on a big tour soon and they were going to be hearing from Mark about the dates. Unfortunately, the phonecall was from Mark, and he announced the tour dates were soon. _A stressed Dan Smith would not want to have sex with me._

In the hotel room, I eyed him. We did end up sharing a few kisses here and there, though it didn't turn into anything. I had to respect that he must have had a lot of things on his mind. We went to bed that night, cuddling. I loved cuddling him and feeling his soft skin. Dan was so cute asleep.

Things in my mind began to run even more wild as another weird incident with Will occurred. I was going out with Luna and Polly the afternoon that Dan and I came out of the hotel, and my since he was the only one there and I was struggling with the clasp on my dress (as it had gotten stuck just before the zip ended) I asked if he could fix it. I also gave him a ribbon for my hair to hold.

My skin almost shivered at Will's hot fingers, sending chills down my spine. I told my brain not to take any notice of it. _Why did I feel so strange?_ Both of us didn't want to admit it, but there had always been that weird tension between me and Will. It wasn't exactly sensual, but it wasn't friendly either. When he had fixed it, his fingers were still on me, and he needed to remove them. _Dangerous, dangerous ground._

After going out with my friends, I came back home. It was only then I realised that the ribbon I had given to Will, I hadn't asked for it back. I stood in my home like an idiot. The door opened, and there entered Will with the ribbon in his hands. He smiled at me and told me that I left it with him by accident. I took it from him, thanking him, though there was an awkward silence that followed.

Naturally, I invited him to hang around for a bit. We had a cheeky glass of apple juice and talked about going on tour and all the fun times we had shared together. In those moments, I forgot about my awkward moments with Will. _It was probably just my hormones and my nerves being all ridiculous or something._

Later on, Will left and Dan came by. He smiled and embraced me tightly, telling me about his day and commenting on how gorgeous I looked.

It must have been a week later when I stayed over at the Bastille household. It was probably just before noon, and Dan had been pacing for ten minutes straight in the living room. We all watched from Kyle's room, whispering to each other about what we should do. None of us thought it was best to ask him what was wrong straight away in case he had a breakdown again.

Out we came from Kyle's room and we sat in our usual positions. We talked to each other as normal. Dan stopped pacing and made eye contact with me.

_Oh, shit._

"A week ago, I came by your flat to see if you were there. I saw a pair of shoes there. Trainers, don't know what size. I had a peek nearly eight hours later, and they were still there. I came to visit you half an hour after that," Dan thought he should let me know.

All of a sudden, all the guys were staring at me. Will's eyes widened, and he was probably gesturing for me not to say anything. I started shifting around uncomfortably in my chair. _Dan had gotten it all wrong. He had already argued with Will in the past, so I couldn't say anything._

My heart was thumping faster than usual, and in that moment I felt as if my own boyfriend had placed a target on my back. What he was suggesting did sound pretty dodgy. Will and I hadn't done anything, we just talked for hours. I leaned on him about my sister and how she was planning to tell my parents about my depression and my supposed suicide and further attempts at harming myself. He was there, and I used him.

Though it sounded like Dan had been stalking me, he was suspicions and all Will and I had done was make them grow. Who could blame him.

"Be honest with me, Alayna. Please," Dan sighed heavily, looking at me with those electric blue eyes.

I gulped, looking at a rather uncomfortable Will.

"Will came over," I answered.

"Okay. Okay," Dan said.

My response was pretty solid, and Dan seemed to accept it. He walked over to me, pulling up a chair and sitting opposite me. _He looked exactly how he did on the day we met._

"And what was he doing there for a third of the day?"

There, I sat, watching Dan Smith twist my words as Desmond Green once had. However, Dan wasn't Desmond - and Desmond wasn't Dan. I was wrong in the situation. In his position, I would have asked the same question.

"We talked. What are you accusing me of?"

He did nothing but reach his hand out to me. I blinked at him and took his hand. Dan held his hand in mine and lead me out of the house and got in the guys' shared car. We sat in silence, though he was still gripping my hand. The ride was smooth, despite all the bumps in our relationship.

In the end, I discovered he drove all the way to my flat. I got out my keys and opened the door, Dan's hand still in mine. My heartbeat got unsteady when Dan looked at me and lead me to the bedroom. When we had done it (and the only time we had done it) he made sure to gesture whether what he was doing was okay every moment (it was so cute he was so insecure).

This time, he seemed more like the Dan I first met. He led me into the bedroom, and for a moment, I wasn't sure what was going on. Out of the blue, he closed the door and he stooped down to kiss me, and his kiss was short, but full of emotion. My head in the clouds, I looked at him. With little effort, he reached out and pushed me forcefully onto the bed.

With a thump, I landed and I looked at him with wide eyes. He sat on the bed, slowly approaching me. My heart was thumping so fast in my chest I was concerned it was going to break out. Looking into his eyes, I could see a lot of lust, a lot of emotion. I watched as he opened his palms and firmly placed them on my arms, pinning me down to the bed. I looked up at my boyfriend.

Gently, he ran his lips down the side of my neck, and I tried my best not to twitch at his warm, heavenly touch. I said nothing as he kissed my neck and shoulders. My body was frozen. _Every finger he placed on me, I froze up._ He finished with kissing my cheek before reaching over and placing his phone in the little music player slot. A song came on immediately with a soft tune and bass.

"Now..." he trailed off, smirking at me.

I stayed reasonably still as he stripped me without asking, and I moaned as he explored my chest. I tried to fight it, but my eyes ended up rolling back into my head. _I liked how demanding he was being. I liked every single feeling I got from his touch, I just didn't want to admit it because I felt so guilty for talking to Will._

_Big boys don't cry_

_They don't ask why_

Nothing was said, because in the next two minutes we were both completely undressed and Dan was eyeing me. He got hold of both of my thighs and pulled me closer to him. The music, which was one of Dan's songs, was playing in the background. _It was so powerful._

_There was a time when a moment like this_

_Wouldn't ever cross my mind_

_The sun will rise with my name on your lips_

_'Cause everything will change tonight_

Silence still hung about as Dan smirked at me and touched my already burning-hot skin, grabbing my sides as he pushed himself inside of me. I held onto him, digging my fingernails into him as I let out a huge moan. I couldn't help but give into his touch and wrap my legs around him as he satisfied me with every hard, throbbing thrust in between my legs.

The night ended, and my mood changed dramatically. Dan and I lay in bed nothing but sheets in between us. Dan planned for us to sleep with his arm protectively wrapped around me, though I didn't mind.

"I can let it pass," Dan said mysteriously as he slipped a finger between my legs.

I let out a slight moan, wincing slightly looking at him and the serious look on his face. _It was a really, really big turn on._ I knew he had been talking about the situation with Will, and I was thankful for it.

He finalised his words with a kiss on my lips.


	35. Descending

It was highly unusual, but I got a call from Jordan and he invited me over to my sister's house. He casually mentioned how they were getting married in under two months, and I hit him for saying it like that. Anyway, he got me sat down with Rilo on my lap and we talked about a few things, until my sister came in. _Shit. The look on her face._

"I told mum and dad about what's gone on since Rilo was born," Demi mentioned.

Slowly, I rose to my feet, giving Rilo to Jordan. I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulders, hoping to block out Demi's words.

"They're coming round to yours in the afternoon. They're worried and they want to speak to you," she added, as if it softened the blow.

Closing my eyes, I let out a huge, frustrated sigh. I thought about getting angry at my sister, but what was the point? Time and time again I had argued with my interfering, annoying sister though it never changed anything - ever. I accepted it and smiled at her weakly before leaving. Of course, she was only trying to help.

Feeling depressed, I came home and considered packing up my things and leaving. Dan wasn't due back for a couple of hours. I stood in my flat, questioning my identity and my lack of being able to tell people what was wrong, and how it had continued until adulthood. How had I let things get this bad? _I was a mess, worthless, a complete failure. As soon as I told Luna and Polly what was going on, it stopped. Why couldn't I have told someone sooner?_

Before I had enough time to think, the doorbell rang. Rolling my eyes, I walked as slowly as I could towards the door before answering it. My parents appeared, not even bothering to make themselves comfortable. I greeted them whilst pinching the skin on my hand so hard I could feel a moist liquid between my nails. They stood in the kitchen, staring at me, staring at all of my wrongdoings and my failures. After all, they were a part of me.

"How come we're only hearing now, after all these years, you were in a abusive relationship?" Dad asked me, and I honestly didn't know.

It wasn't like Desmond had put a gun to my head or threatened me, but hell, now that I was standing there in front of them I thought of loads of moments in time where I could have broken down and told someone what was happening.

My mother, who already looked like she wanted to kill me (that's where Demi-Leigh got it from) took a step toward me, putting her hands together.

"You need to get over this. This, depression. This is just a state of mind. It will pass," mum practically ordered me.

I was a bit taken aback by what she was saying. I knew how direct my mother was, but I had to stick up for myself. My fire had gone out, it was no longer there.

"Mum. I'm ill. I'm mentally ill," I replied to her, my voice raspy.

Dad gave me an understanding nod. _I knew he would understand, it was just my mum. My silly, silly mum._ I watched her as she scoffed at me.

"Does that not prove my point?" she hissed at me.

In that moment, I completely gave up and watched her stare at me in disgust. If her opinion was already set, who was I to change it?

"I will not have a crazy daughter. I won't accept it. Sort yourself out."

Of course, I didn't want to let them see me upset, so I left them the keys and left my flat, despite my mother shouting at me and telling me to come back in that instant. Her words rung in my ears, and even at the age of twenty five, my tears rolled down my cheeks in public, and I felt completely broken. She'd pushed me over the edge and beyond it. Naturally, I grabbed a bottle of wine on my way out.

I didn't know what I was doing. All I had on me was a twenty pound note. It wasn't like anybody would try to track me down, especially in the terrible weather. It was raining, pounding it down, and it was soaking through my clothes. I must have walked around for hours with no shoes on. My feet, soaked to the bone. My bare arms.

My feet found their way to the Bastille household at around eight o'clock in the night. I expected nobody to be in, but all the guys were there. I felt like walking straight out, but I'd already showed my face to them. Surprise surprise, my sister was there, and so was her face of concern.

"Alayna, where have you been? Why aren't you wearing shoes?" she asked me, and I felt even more stupid.

The room fell silent as I sat on the chair nearest to me, not looking at anyone. Wondering what it would be like if I hadn't gone out with Desmond.

"Alayna, I've been worried sick. Dad called me. Did it not go well? _Alayna._ "

Of course, Demi was clueless towards how mum had acted towards me. I mean, how would she know? She had always been the golden child. When she said my name, my anger came gushing up to the surface at once, and I grabbed the cup nearest to me and launched it at her.

There came a few gasps when Demi moved to the side, the glass cup narrowly missing her and smashing against the kitchen tiles. Dan rushed to my side.

"She called me _fucking crazy_ ," I spelled out to my sister.

"That's enough for today," Dan began, looking at my sister, "come on."

He took me into the bathroom, mumbling something. I started to take off my wet clothes, and he blushed as if he hadn't been expecting me to. He fetched some clothes for me and I put them on and though he tried not to watch me, I caught his eyes darting to my chest, not that I minded.

When my sister had gone, I calmed down a bit. Dan and I sat in his room, and we'd been talking for hours. I told him everything about my mother and what a witch she could be sometimes. He understood, embracing me in his arms, though I couldn't explain it - his touch felt different, somewhat colder.

"I heard from Mark that you and Will almost came to a kiss a couple of weeks ago."

His eyes were steel and hard on me. Feeling embarrassed, I looked away from him. It was obvious that he was mad, though at the time we weren't together.

Digging his hands into my back, he pulled me closer toward him and leaned in to kiss me, though I intercepted it by turning my head to the side.

"You're scaring me," I  half-joked nervously, my heart racing.

During the last time, I hadn't said anything because I had been overwhelmed by pressure. Though, I had to admit, there was something different about my boyfriend.

"Just stay still," he whispered.

I froze as he draped another arm around me, putting his lips to my neck and wrapping them around my skin, sucking it as hard as he could. I let out a couple of moans, scared that the guys would hear us.

It must have been five minutes or so when he finished, looking at me with the same look in his eyes the day we met. That cold, hard stare.

"I can let it pass," Dan mentioned, his voice firm.

That night, I went to bed beside him, wondering if every little thing that I did somehow had a negative effect on Dan. I convinced myself that I was just being paranoid.

I woke up the following day to the guys staring at me. I apologised to them about them having to see me in a violent matter. They were pretty cool about it. Halfway through breakfast, Woody came up to me with a cloudy look on his face.

"Dan, I caught him smoking yesterday. Probably for the first time in five years. Does that mean anything?"

Sighing heavily, I knew that it was down to the whole Will situation. _That was it. His cold touch, those stares. It was because he was high. Right?_

"It means he's pissed at me. Figures. Everyone's pissed at me."

Woody tried to convince me that wasn't already the case, though I felt pretty disappointed in myself and how I had acted the night before. _Trying to assault my sister. Gosh, what was actually happening to me?_

Suddenly, it all made sense. Dan never borrowed money. He had borrowed money from Kyle to go out and buy drugs. Realising that I had to do something, I waited until Dan and everyone was out of the house.

I took that time to search Dan's room thoroughly. With him being a guy and all, his room was a mess. As I took my time getting on my knees and looking under his bed for evidence of him having drugs in his possession, I realised how hypocritical I was being, even though I had flushed mine. I wasn't addicted, I only reached for a smoke if I really needed one. I folded most of his clothes and put them on his bed. Searching his drawers got me nowhere.

I felt relieved that Dan's breakdown and how he had been acting lately was down to a one-time or rare occasion drug usage.

Unfortunately, I spent a minute too long in my boyfriend's bedroom, because he came rushing in. Due to the fact he only weighed about ten stone, I didn't hear him come in. I jumped when he saw me, and my heart started to race as he looked around the room. It was obvious that I had been stopping. He placed the house keys he was holding on his drawer and slowly walked over to me.

Our words melted into the air as he snaked an uninvited hand around me and kissed my lips hard. Dan circled my lower back, sneaking his hand underneath my dress. I couldn't help but willingly moan into his mouth.

"Hmm, you must really be trying to get me mad," he whispered in a raspy, deep voice.

I looked at him, biting my lip and smiling at the same time.

"You know what else you can do for me?" Dan hinted.

I watched as he sat on the bed and looked at me. _Uh-huh. I knew exactly what that meant lately._ My face grew hot as I shuffled closer to him and started to unzip his jeans. _I wondered how he got in the mood so quickly._ There we were, and I was pleasing my boyfriend and his skin.

A few days passed, and soon enough, it was time for the guys to go on a mini-tour. It would finish just before my sister's wedding, which I wasn't looking forward to the idea of wearing an orange bridesmaid dress. That time, I decided to tag along with them seeing as I hadn't been having any work going on lately.

It was about two in the morning one time, and most of us were drinking and playing card games. When we got bored, it came to truth or dare, which I got nervous about because I remembered our last game. _Eh._ At the start, we did a little thing. I told them it was alright to ask me anything (though at the time I was completely drunk).

Of course, Will decided to go first and asked Kyle whether he had enjoyed cheating on Sandy or not. We all made sour faces. (Well, everyone swore they wouldn't get too offended, though Kyle was pissed).

"Yeah, she was better in bed, thank you for asking," Kyle mumbled.

Woody and Will laughed. It still hurt, though Kyle eventually just laughed it off. It was Kyle's turn and he dared Woody to get Mark piss drunk. Off he went inside the tour bus with a couple of beers, laughing to himself. Surprisingly, out he came, and all the beer bottles had disappeared from his hands. _He took them all? Wow._

Next, Woody asked Dan if he would ever consider marrying me. My eyes widened, and I pictured a train wreck in my head. He gave me a cute smile and looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes.

"I would, of course," he replied, linking my hand with his.

The guys made suitable "awww" sounds. It seemed that the whole Will drama was over now. Mark had said that the guys get over things relatively quickly.

A couple of turns passed, and Kyle (the little joker) dared Dan and Will to kiss, and they had to do so for exactly two minutes. I raised my eyebrows at Kyle. I didn't mind. Many fan-girls would die at the thought of it.

"You have to really go for it. Kiss and make up," Kyle urged, and Woody keeled over with laughter.

"Dan? No no no," Will mumbled.

My boyfriend scoffed as if he was annoyed that Will wouldn't even consider to kiss him. Dan started to eye Will, and his face went completely red. He then made a pitch how they had been friends for years, and it made me laugh. Will was still reluctant.

After a bit more convincing, Will agreed. We watched as Kyle got ready to set the timer on his phone. _Maybe it was what they needed._ They had that awkward moment of working out where was best to come in to kiss. Eventually, Dan wrapped his arms around Will and went in for the kiss. Kyle set his timer and unbeknowest to them, Woody was recording it. _Eh, tempers were sure to fray twenty four hours later._

I must have been enjoying it way more than I thought I would because I eyed them tounging each other, though it was a dare. Two minutes had passed, and Will pulled away from Dan out of breath and his face was no different to a tomato. Dan and he then started laughing. _It was definitely what they needed._

We checked into a hotel, and Dan seemed pretty chilled out. _I knew that kiss would do them some good. Well, apart from Woody recording it. That was a total bargaining chip._

Well, chilled out until the point he was drunkedly wrapping his arms around my waist. I looked at him, trying to wriggle away from him a bit. I knew he was my boyfriend and all, but he stunk of alcohol. When he refused to let go, I struggled.

"Let's do something tonight," Dan suggested.

My ears perked up, and I had to think about something in that moment. My thought was suddenly pushed out of my brain when Dan didn't wait for an answer and kissed me immediately.

My words and thoughts were lost when he ran his hands through my hair and laid me onto the bed, stripping me and running his hands over my body. The night continued, and it was a loud, pleasurable night.

The morning after, I woke up with a sense of worry in my stomach. I was meant to be sticking to an eating plan my GP had given me. Dan and I had gotten so into the sex last night that I'd forgotten to eat all day. The next time I had an appointment, would they know? I began to freak out immediately, so I paced around the bedroom.

Unfortunately, more bad thoughts were to come my way because as soon as I stepped outside of mine and Dan's hotel room, the guys (including Mark) were waiting there for me.

"Um, you might wanna see this," Kyle said, thrusting his iPad at me.

Feeling strange, I looked at Kyle and the guys. It was an article called: _The Mystery Suicide of Desmond Green._ I rolled my eyes.

"Why is it only being brought up now?" I asked.

When I looked at the pictures of him on that article, I didn't feel upset. I just felt disappointed that someone would actually bring up the topic. It had been a few months since Desmond passed away. Just to get that in there, that wasn't the worst piece of news of that day.

"Is Dan OK?" Mark wondered.

I smiled, and they were all exchanging worried looks and glances with each other. I had to question what was going on.

"I mean, he's being really passive. It's weird. You know what he wanted to eat in the morning? Shrimp. Fucking shrimp," Woody explained.

"Do you know where he is now?" Will asked me.

I looked at them and shook my head. He wasn't in my bed when we woke up. Maybe they were taking the whole thing out of context a bit too much. Everyone craved something every once in a while.

"Eating shrimp, downstairs. What kind of hotel offers shrimp at barely seven in the morning?" Kyle whispered, his eyes going extremely wide.

"He didn't wear a man-cardigan today," Mark thought I should know.

"He put his tongue down my throat. Intentionally," Will mumbled, and he was still bitter about that.

In response, I laughed at how paranoid the guys were being. We would find Dan in the canteen and he would be perfectly fine.

"I mean, are you having sex with him? Please. He's driving us insane," Woody begged, and it made me chuckle.

Then the thoughts suddenly hit me one hundred miles an hour. Dan and I had been having an awful lot of sexual interaction lately. I put my hand to the side of my face. _What if that meant something bad?_

Suddenly, Dan appeared with a massive grin on his face and he put his arm around me. He greeted the guys and me, still with the smile. _OK, it was a bit creepy. Dan had stunk of alcohol last night._

"Did you guys try the shrimp?" Dan wondered.

We all blinked at him. I gave the guys a sympathetic look when I realised that they weren't totally being paranoid. All we were doing was going down, down, down.

I smiled at him and we went into my room. The guys dispersed, and I was left alone with my boyfriend. He seemed to keep his happy mood, and we shared a conversation about shrimp before he landed a kiss on my lips. I smiled, kissing him back.

Soon enough, my back was against the wall and Dan was shoving his tongue down my throat. I didn't know where it came from all of a sudden, but we were hungry for each other. I wrapped one of my legs around him, and he effortlessly held it up with my other hand. My feelings on fire, I let him undress me.

"I love you, you know that?"

Grinning, I put my arms around him.

"I know that."

There came a silence as Dan eyed me.

"More than shrimp," he whispered as he thrust himself inside of me.

Very quickly, my body was overwhelmed with pleasure. I savoured every movement he made and every kiss he planted on my lips. Maybe the guys were just being paranoid. Dan was acting freakishly weird because he was happy, and I'm glad that he found happiness with me. He fought, he chose to find happiness with me.

That reminded me. If I didn't want things to go down, then I would have to bring them back up before my sister's wedding. The tour was a mini one, and would only last another week. The guys were taking it easy in account of Dan's mental stability.

I had to do what was best for my conscience.


	36. Sending Him Off!

As soon as the tour was over, I made sure to sneak away from Dan and take a detour to Joseph's flat. Unfortunately, he wasn't in, and I had to question where he had disappeared to. Ever since his twin brother's death, he had stopped working and relied on benefits to get by. I caught wind of him possibly moving in with Louise, though I wasn't sure what was going on with them. I knew that things were nowhere near as rotten as they had been before, though.

Feeling odd, I made my own way back to the Bastille household, clutching my bag tightly, afraid that the contents would come loose and the words from them would fall out onto the pavement and drift off into the wind.

If only.

Upon arriving, all the guys were there. Joseph was there, and there was something different about him. He clocked eyes with me as soon as I walked in. Quickly, he rushed over to me before Dan even had the chance to greet me. _Don't tell me..._

"I believe you have something to tell me?"

Frowning, I looked at him and questioned in my mind whether acting as if I didn't know what he was talking about would solve the problem. If Joseph already knew or was suspicious, then it was worth telling him.

Sighing heavily, I laid my bag down on the sofa and pulled out about eight full A4 sized notebooks. The guys started whispering and questioning each other. Obviously, they didn't know what they were. In that moment, I ran my hands through my hair and looked at Joseph Green straight in the eye.

"I'm sorry. I stole these from Desmond's flat. I found them. I took them and I should have given them to you. I panicked. I wanted you to have some good memories of him," I explained.

However, it wasn't my explanation that got Joseph. He seemed quite calm, and he sat down and asked me about the contents.

"You've read all of them, haven't you?" Joseph figured.

"Just the first page," I answered honestly.

He eyed me closely. _Must get that from Desmond. That telepathic shit._ He was eager and grabbed the first one. He opened the first page and frowned.

"This is written in French," he scoffed.

That was obvious, and the guys felt the need to gather round and clarify. Yes, it was written in French. I nodded at him.

"I want you to keep these. I hope you can forgive me," I apologised to him.

Surprisingly, Joseph wasn't mad. In those moments, he was very calm. So calm that it was worrying me. _Well, hanging out with Louise did have a positive effect on people._ I flashed Dan a kind smile and was about to leave.

"Alayna. I know you're fluent," Joseph warned, stopping me in my tracks.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. _I never should have told them that. He had basically just encouraged me to translate it for him._ Reluctantly, I turned around and sat with him. I asked him if he was sure, and he said yes. Then, I looked at everyone else.

"There are things in here about every single person in this room, including Louise, Leigh and Mark. Is that OK?" I asked.

The guys nodded, and I began to translate the first page. The first page was a letter that had never been ripped from the first notebook. It was written the day Desmond committed suicide. I read the contents.

_I didn't expect anyone to find it or go through my stuff. I've lived for long enough now to realise that secrets always get exposed. What better place than to put them on paper? I wouldn't say that they are more so secrets, it was my life. My life, my photography, my camera is my passion and I am almost hesitant to let it go - but even that is slipping away from me. One thing I decided to do, even at the age of seventeen is plan out what happens to me. That would be the only way I could carry out and craft the ultimate project. My story._

Joseph stopped me in my translation.

"He planned everything he said and did?"

I stopped him there. Whilst I thought Desmond's words had been true, there were some lies. He hadn't written down his suicide, breaking apart from his brother or trying to sexually assault me. I shared my thoughts with Joseph, and he nodded slowly.

An hour passed and I had translate the whole of the first notebook. After I had come to a conclusion, Joseph put his head in his hands and took a deep breath. The guys were pretty shocked too. There had been nothing about them yet as the first notebook was written when Desmond was eighteen, before he even met Bastille. However, there were things in there about Joseph. Some which had been hard to read aloud.

"He hated me that much. He said I inspired him. As if I'm fucking related to him," he mumbled.

"I'm sorry. I will speak ill of him, because he is a psycho," I spoke out.

Joseph nodded. Since we had called it a quits for the day, I asked him if he wanted me to translate the rest as everybody needed to hear it. He nodded and I said that I would translate them sometime.

Anyway, my cute boyfriend walked over to me and took my hand. I looked at me and he asked me if I was okay, and I politely nodded at him. I realised how lucky I was to have him in my clutches.

Besides, with those notebooks, we could send Desmond off. In a calm, more respectful way. That way, we could all sit down and translate his actions.

Anyway, I went to bed that night beside Dan, thinking about the words Desmond had left behind. The contents of the first notebook weren't too bad. They mainly described our secret relationship and how much he and Joseph fought.

Still, even after all that happened with him popping back into my life, I found it hard to believe that he took the time to sit down and write out everything:

Dan saw me frowning and wrapped an arm around me, letting me absorb his warmth. I smiled into his chest.

"Hey, I'm here. Don't worry about anything else," he whispered.

My boyfriend looked so cute, his dark hair reaching out in all directions and the sleepy look on his face.

"You're right," I agreed with him.

Feeling him feel the curves of my body soothed me, and I closed my eyes so that I could savour his touch.

"Feeling better?"

I could feel his hot breath hitting my face, too.

"Mhm."

Thinking about it, Dan and I had kind of been together for about a year and a half. I always knew that there had been something between us, and now that we were trying it out, things were just as I imagined them to be.

After all, that man was making me happy.

Happily, I snuggled up against his chest. Dan returned the favour and pressed his lips against my forehead. I instantly felt comforted and loved by him - despite his flaws.

I looked at him with wide eyes. I wasn't _exactly tired_.

"I've got something on under this," I said in passing.

Dan smirked at me and his ears perked up a little bit. He pulled me closer to him and eyed me closely.

"Oh yeah?"

I let him slip me out my dressing gown, and he tossed it to the side. His eyes darted all over my short silk nightdress.

"Are you um...wearing anything under that?"

I shook my head. My boyfriend blushed and slipped his hands under my nightdress. The night fell away when Dan positioned himself on top of me.

Half an hour passed, and my legs were wrapped around him as we got lost in the moment, and he was moving in me.

"Dan. D-Dan," I moaned loudly.

He flashed a smile at me as he continued to pleasure me. I followed up with more moans.

"I love you," he whispered lovingly to me.

We shared a kiss.

"I love you too," I let him know.

Soon enough came my sister's wedding. Louise, Luna, Polly and myself made sure to stop by her house so that we could do her makeup. Luna had a hangover so she was already out for the count. Though she didn't show it, o knew Demi was nervous so I told Polly to convince her that married life would be okay.

After we'd done her makeup and gotten her dress on, my sister looked amazing. Her white dress illuminated her facial features.

"Lay, how's life with your um, famous boyfriend?" Polly asked me.

I replied with a satisfactory answer, though they all wanted to inquire.

"Is the sex good?" Louise wondered.

I wrinkled my nose and smiled at my friends and my sister. They were obviously interested in my answer. Well, since we were all close, I figured that I would tell them about my sex life just that one time.

"It's really good," I answered, laughing.

They all laughed and when they were asking questions about how big he was, I cut the conversation off there by telling them that the focus was on Leigh, and _since_ she had asked the _most_ questions, it was now our - _my turn._

The time came for getting Demi into the limo (how she was affording everything, I would never know) and we got in with her on our way to the venue.

Overall, it was a pretty nice and special day for my sister and I was happy that she was willing to share it with me (after I tried throwing a glass at her). I was glad that she had popped into my life, otherwise I would have missed so many moments with her.

Soon came the after party, and Luna spent most of it adding to her hangover despite Polly's warnings and reminders of nights before. I spent some of it sleeping on Kyle's shoulder because Dan was running late. I asked Kyle where he was, though he was unsure. I mumbled something and snuggled more into his shoulder.

"Don't worry. He'll be here soon to tell you that you look beautiful," Kyle whispered.

I smiled at him, because I appreciated that he was trying to put my mind at rest. Of course, ever since we had become a couple, I worried about him more than I thought I did. I thought about him every second of the day.

"And to rip that dress off you," Kyle commented with a smirk.

My eyes widened, and because he spaced out his speech it sounded strange coming from him. I felt my face get hot and I looked at him. _I knew it was about Dan. Paranoid Alayna._ He saw that I was straying from him and gestured for me to lean against his shoulder again. Weakly, I smiled at him and waited for my boyfriend.

Well, from what I heard, Bastille were performing. It was three of Demi's favourite songs. Good Grief, Poet and Of The Night. Suddenly, Dan emerged, as did my parents who were staring right at me. We hadn't exchanged any words since when I met with them. As long as they didn't start a scene, I wouldn't mind them being at the wedding.

The guys took to the stage (Woody had been standing there aimlessly for half an hour) and got ready to play. Obviously, I gathered in the audience to support them. I smiled at Dan. Unfortunately, I was standing near to my parents (not on purpose) and they were looking at me, expecting me to say hi. Anyway, they performed Poet and Of The Night first and to my surprise, my parents were impressed and we could hear Demi-Leigh screaming like a fangirl. _Lies._

Soon, the time came for them to sing Good Grief. Before singing, Dan got hold of the microphone and smiled at the crowd.

"I dedicate this to the lovely bride today, now Demi-Leigh Jones. I would also like to dedicate this to someone special to me tonight," he announced.

Of course, my sister swooned and squeezed Jordan's hand tightly. _Ah. He would be running away very very soon._ Dan had to make minimal eye contact with me. The band got ready to perform the song.

_Shut my eyes and count to ten,_

I closed my eyes and listened to his words. Dan had an effect on me every time that he sang, honestly. It was like he calmed me down on so many levels. It was nearing to the end of the song, and I noticed something.

_Every minute and every hour,_

_I miss you I miss you I miss you more_

_Every stumble and each misfire,_

_I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more_

What I did notice was that he looked me right in the eye when he sang. Unfortunately, my parents must have noticed to because my mother turned to me.

"Is he looking at you? The lead singer?" my mum asked, which was random.

I looked at her as the song ended and I said nothing. My mother was still staring at me. Some people in the crowds talked to Dan, though he announced he needed a break. He came down from the stage five minutes later, and my mum was still there.

He stood by me, hovering. I couldn't blame him because he wasn't aware of the situation. We weren't too keen on PDA either.

"Someone special. It's you," my mum realised, looking at me with her devil eyes.

I cleared my throat and looked at Dan. It was my signal for him to run, though he didn't understand so he stayed put. To my parents, he probably didn't look like much. Jordan did because he had "potential".

"Dan, these are my parents," I introduced him.

Dan shook hands with my dad. My dad was pretty cool about it, but my mother - that was a different story. Her eyes were as hard as stone, and she obviously thought that Dan Smith was too good for me. Though she didn't say anything, I felt myself getting all worked up and my palms were starting to sweat.

Somehow, Dan saw that I was nervous and linked his hand in mine and smiled at me.

"Do you want to join us?" he offered, out of kindness.

And that pretty much summed up my boyfriend. At every opportunity, Dan had always been kind to everyone. Though I had seen what he was like on a bad day, I still loved and accepted him. My mother agreed to join us, though I wasn't sure why.

We sat down at a table and had some seafood (to which Dan loved). I ate very little though my dad kept asking me whether I was eating anything or not. I replied with a few mumbles until he finally left me alone. My mother was satisfactory throughout the whole seafood experience, though I had no idea Dan liked seafood (until the shrimp incident).

"So you two are dating?" my mother asked, as if she was hoping for the slightest possibility that we weren't.

My hear began to race and I felt my chest get all tight. When Dan saw that I couldn't answer, he risked a glance at me, then he turned to my mum.

"Yes. I love her, and I couldn't ask for anyone better," Dan expressed, and it made me feel warm as he pulled me closer to him.

My dad seemed content, and my mother, yet again, satisfactory. At long as she wasn't saying anything, that was fine with me.

Just as we had finished, little Rilo came running up to me and staring at me. He looked at me with his innocent little green eyes and raised his arms, wanting to be picked up. I chuckled and gave in, picking him up and balancing him on my lap. He seemed quite content there, so I let him stay while my dad quizzed me casually on my finances.

Halfway through the interrogation, Rilo seemed to take an interest in Dan and kept on speaking in baby language to him. He then started to get fussy, and Dan told me he would take him. _Eh. He looked happier with Dan._ Dan was grinning at him, and Rilo was laughing and I had to take note of the cute moment.

_How nice would it be to have a family with him?_

Oh shit. Did I honestly just think that up?

"I think he's fond of you," my mother commented with a warm smile, running a finger across Rilo's soft face.

Before Jordan came over (looking pretty dapper) Rilo gave Dan a little kiss, and he blushed. Jordan greeted us and took Rilo away for him to get something to eat.

"You have my permission," Dad let Dan know.

I gave my father a strange look and wondered what he was talking about. Mum seemed to know, but Dan didn't either. He paid attention properly and widened his eyes.

"Sorry, permission?" Dan repeated.

"I've been waiting for a grandchild from Alayna for years, now," Dad mumbled, and mum actually (politely) commented on that subject too.

My boyfriend's face immediately turned red. _Well, if we hadn't had been safe all of the times we had sex, that would have been an entirely different story. One of which that would have pleased my parents._ Dan chuckled, nervously looking away from them.

Some time passed after the wedding, and when Demi learned about the notebooks she was all in for listening, and I was worried about some of the contents. From just skimming through a couple of them, there were personal things in there about every single person I had met or regained contact with from almost two years ago. At first, it had just been Joseph and Bastille, and now my sister wanted to join in it made me worry.

We were onto the second notebook, as every year was roughly half or three quarters of a notebook. It featured Desmond going to university and arguing a lot with Joseph and how Joseph and I kissed to get him back. Dan was grinning freakishly throughout that to show me that he didn't care. Joseph didn't either. We all suspected that he was pissed.

After we finished going through the second notebook, Joseph was not happy though he still wanted to cover more ground. We found out that a drunk Jordan spilled out his feelings towards Demi-Leigh just weeks after they had met. It pleased a newly-wed Demi so at least one person was happy.

A couple of weeks passed, and it was the fourth notebook when things started to get worse. Will and Desmond used to smoke a lot of pot (not surprising) and Kyle gave him a lecture though he didn't smoke anymore. Woody stole various items from the places they visited and kept them mysteriously in his room. The most expensive thing he stole was a small figure of a hand worth a couple of grand.

"Why would you do that?" Will questioned him.

"Well, I don't know. Des would always catch me, he wouldn't say anything. I needed something to do," Woody explained, though it made very little sense.

We also found out that Will got a tattoo with Desmond (whilst high) and got yet another health lecture from Kyle.

Then we got to the part when Desmond officially helped the guys when they were on tour sometimes, and how many girls he thought were tempting to have sex with but he "resisted" because he was with me.

There was a scene in one of the notebooks and Woody got a little shifty, because it involved Desmond describing how angry Woody had gotten once and he had punched a wall so hard and repeatedly that he had to go to hospital after a gig and lie about it to the guys when he returned in the morning.

Kyle put his arm around Woody (much to his dismay) and smiled at him.

"You know you can always talk to us, right? I can't believe you didn't tell us. I knew you didn't fall over," he said.

Woody smiled at Kyle weakly and blushed, running his hands through his long, shaggy hair before staring at the floor. _Ah. Bastille and their insecurities._

The more and more we got into it, the more worried I got because there was a bit which mentioned my depression (which I had suspected was prominent long ago) and Desmond not knowing what to do when some days he was unable to get me out of bed. My sister questioned me about it, and to be honest, he did what he could to help - before he became abusive and made it worse.

"I still can't believe you're fluent. Can I use you to impress French girls?" Kyle wondered, and Dan scoffed.

I laughed and shook my head. We were all finding more out about each other from Desmond's words, however horrible he may have been before he died. It was good for all of us, and I wanted us all to get closer.

Sending him off in that way, it seemed to be the best thing for us all.


	37. Down These Streets

One Monday night, Dan and I had an awkward conversation based off what my dad had moaned about at my sister's wedding. First of all, we talked about how good it was that she was getting married and Jordan was a nice guy. Then, we were talking about Rilo. Next, dad and how he wanted not a grandchild - _grandchildren._

He linked his hands with mine and smiled at me. _Eh, did that mean he had actually been thinking about it?_

"I'd love that," Dan commented.

Obviously, he saw how embarrassed I was since we were talking about the possibility of baby-making. His face quickly went red and I laughed.

"I mean, I'd like that too. Eventually, you know," I expressed.

Of course, I trusted Dan - more than ever and he was the right person to discuss that kind of topic with.

We then started to talk about his parents a bit. I'd actually met them a few times after some gigs, though I wasn't sure whether they knew we were in a relationship. Dan bit his lip and nodded. He said they probably knew all along, which was good that they were OK with us being an item. _That was one hurdle._

After all, I was happy I had Dan. We both shared an appreciation of the arts and each other. We had mutual good friends and we were willing to do anything to keep them together. Despite all our happiness, we had our flaws, but together we made a good team.

That day, we decided to spend a little time together. We mostly talked about the band, how it got together and what good friends they had been to each other (despite their explosive arguments over the years). He felt comfortable enough to express his worries to me, and I was comfortable enough to do the same and cheer him up.

Since we were in my original hometown, I decided to make us take a detour and I narrated that those were the streets Desmond and I had once lived on and walked on, and he seemed to be understanding. I spilled out to him that I had a lot of bad memories of those streets, and I wanted him to walk down them with me. He didn't mind.

All of a sudden, whilst we were holding hands, Dan came to a halt and I began to question whether it secretly bothered him I was talking about Desmond. _Maybe that was a mistake, opening up to him like that._

However, Dan proved me wrong and kissed my lips gently and shyly smiled at me. He barely looked at me as he patted his jeans down for something, and I gave him a funny look.

"Um, bare with me a sec..."

I chuckled as he tried to look whatever he was looking for. I analysed him, because it couldn't be his watch as he was already wearing it. When he found what he was looking for, he kept it behind his back. I had to wonder what it was.

"I want you to remember these streets, and this moment - for this reason."

My brain exploded as I watched my boyfriend, Dan Smith, lower himself to the ground and get on one knee. My eyes widened as he opened a box with a beautiful silver ring inside. _I wonder who he went ring shopping with, because the only person who knew my taste in jewellery was my sister._

"Alayna Pinson, will you marry me?" he asked, with a big grin on his face.

I stared at him with my mouth open. I thought proposals were cheesy and I wouldn't experience one, but now that I was, I was overwhelmed with joy.

"Yes," I answered, my face getting hot.

_Aww, so now I knew the reason behind our serious conversations earlier in the morning. He was insecure and wanted to make sure I wanted that kind of life. Who could be any sweeter?_

We returned to the Bastille household and I kept my hands firmly in my pockets, and the guys were staring at us. Dan and I had a brief conversation and we didn't fancy anyone finding out yet. I wasn't sure whether the guys all knew because they kept whispering to each other like they knew something we didn't.

Our conversations turned to normal, and Kyle and I were caught in an intense game of chess and he ended up winning because he kept on trying to put me off. I mumbled and challenged him to a rematch.

"So could you teach me French?" Kyle wondered.

I chuckled, and I heard Dan laugh from his bedroom since his door was open.

"Steady," Dan commented.

We were all laughing, though Kyle was being serious. He actually wanted to impress girls. I winked and told him I would think about it if I had time. Together, we played a few more games of chess (I hid my engagement ring in my coat pocket so the guys wouldn't see) and then I eyed Will trying to put his coat on the hanger. It fell, and so did all the coats and jackets on it.

I frowned, quickly rushing over to pick up my coat in case the ring had fallen out. Kyle gave me a funny look and I quickly disappeared into Dan's room, closing the door. I put my arms around him and kissed him gently. I asked him if he thought the guys were suspicious or had figured it out, but Dan shook his head and smiled at me.

The next day was unusual because it was just me and Kyle in the house since the guys were all busy. I had just finished some artwork when we knocked on my bedroom door although it was open. I smiled at him and gestured for him to come in. He seemed quite shy, which was weird for Kyle. Naturally, he sat on the bed, holding his hands together.

"Dan, he's quite happy now. I'm glad he has you," he thanked me.

I laughed at Kyle being nice to me. (Not that he wasn't). It was just strange for us to hold a conversation without the guys chiming in. We shared an awkward silence as Kyle left the room.

Sometime later, I must have fallen asleep because I woke up on the sofa in the living room with a blanket around me. I blinked, and Kyle was watching TV to the right of me.

"Ah, you're awake," he realised, quickly changing the sex scene that was showing on the TV.

Raising my eyebrows, I looked at him and laughed and asked him what he was watching. He didn't answer.

"The others are gonna be back soon," he mentioned.

I nodded, thinking about how much I wanted to lock Dan in a room and have him all to myself.

"Why didn't you go out to eat with them?" I wondered, and it had been on my mind for a while.

He scoffed and looked at me with his brown eyes.

"Sandy was there. I'm lucky she didn't try to sell her story to a newspaper," Kyle mumbled.

It was understandable. He and his ex had both done wrong. Sandy had done wrong first, though, so it was mostly her fault.

"Things will balance out. Trust me," I assured him.

Out of annoyance, Kyle crossed his arms and turned off the TV with the remote.

"If only I could have you to myself forever, Alayna," Kyle expressed, and it made me eye twitch.

Well, Woody did say that the real Kyle was actually full of cliches.

As if on cue, the guys came back and talked about the food they ate and the fun they had whilst Kyle grumpily slumped against the sofa. _He'd cheer up._ Dan came over to me and bent down, linking his hands in mine. He looked into my eyes and gosh, I was absolutely smitten with him.

"You two are lovey-dovey today," Woody commented as he tied his hair up, and that was the first time I'd seen him like that.

Kyle saw us eyeing each other and he cleared his throat and raised his eyebrows.

"You two haven't done it...here, have you? Like, on this sofa?" he questioned.

We burst into laughter at his paranoia, though Woody and Will were whispering like they were on Kyle's side.

"What? No. We don't do it in this house. No," Dan lied.

Well, we certainly hadn't done it on the couch. We had been doing a lot of the sex lately. It looked pretty promising though. When Kyle saw that we were thinking about it, he ran off screaming into his room which I guess was to get out his secret stash of cleaning products.

"You two are hiding something though," Woody suspected, and my eye began to twitch.

Dan and I exchanged nervous glances as Woody and Will circled us. They came up with nothing. We needed to tell them sometime.

The following day I was alerted by my sister that she wanted me to do a photo shoot with her. Literally an hour later we were in a little studio that was paid for and stylists were picking at my choice of clothes and make up artists were trying to make sense of what shade of foundation I was. I say uncomfortable in a chair while they made me pretty without my permission.

I supposed it was a bit fun, doing random poses for fun and partly ignoring the photographers. I would have preferred to do it myself, though. There were many that featured big smiles and arms around one another and everything, so it was fine.

I left the photo shoot not in my own clothes, feeling like a complete hipster. Later on, I returned to the Bastille household to find the guys having a little meeting. I was surprised to find Mark and Joseph there. Plus my sister. They were blinking at me.

"Could we go through Desmond's stuff again?" Joseph wondered.

Well, we hadn't really discussed continuing with it. I shrugged my shoulders and got onto the write notebook, opening it. I was going to read it until I translated the contents inside of my brain. _I couldn't read that out loud. He was talking about Joseph in such a vile way._ When Joseph saw that I was hesitating, he raised his eyebrows.

"What does it say?"

I cleared my throat and gestured for my sister to calm Joseph down if he suddenly got really, really mad.

"He convinced Louise...that...you...cheated...on her," I said very, very slowly.

It took a moment for the information to sink inside Joseph's head. He didn't flip out like we expected him to, though he simply rolled his eyes. When we started to whisper amongst each other, Joseph got annoyed.

"Rolling your eyes isn't an answer," Kyle said softly.

Though he wasn't the one to talk, he did have a point. Joseph was on the spot now. It rarely happened to him, though he mumbled that he didn't actually cheat on Louise. He got so embarrassed whenever we brought her up, honestly.

Then, through gritted teeth, there were some moments where Desmond was describing my depression. I was OK with reading it out. It was a part of the healing process, though nobody could believe that Desmond hadn't told anyone how low I had been feeling back then.

"He is so sick. If he wrote down everything that happened to him and us, then how do we know that anything he said ever said or done has been genuine?" Joseph wondered, and it was a really good analogy.

I shrugged my shoulders. Though I didn't wish to defend Desmond, even after his suicide, it was debatable.

"He did care about you, you know. I know you don't want to hear it," I mentioned to Joseph, and to that, he wrinkled his nose.

For a moment, Joseph smiled and he put his hands together. _Uh-oh. That smile was never a good sign. Sometimes, Joseph could be just as moody as Desmond._

"You knew him the best. You practically spent ten years with him, hell, I didn't even last that long."

I chuckled. If everyone was looking for something nice to say about him so that we wouldn't all feel as bad, it was impossible. When I refused to translate it further, the others were quite annoyed. Kyle even dared to question me, which made me uncomfortable. Kyle very rarely spoke out at me.

"Are you hiding something from us?" he hinted.

I cleared my throat and shook my head, but by the looks on their faces, nobody in the room believed me. Ah, great. I put my hands together

"On the twenty-fourth of April, eleven years ago, where were you?"

To prepare myself for what was coming, I stood my ground, staring Joseph down. He laughed at first, but he saw that I meant business and he was not going to leave the Bastille household unless I got my answer.

"Alayna May Pinson, you have just asked me an _impossible_ question."

I scoffed. I couldn't believe him. Ironically, he was acting just like Desmond would - and it really pissed me off.

"I am trying to protect you here. I've read ahead. I know I swore not to,"  I warned him not to test me.

Somehow, Joseph got the message. It took him a moment to get himself together, because I saw how nervous he was. He ran his hands through his hair and sweat was dripping down his forehead. The guys were pissed I had read ahead, but what concerned me was Joseph.

"I suppose we're all going to find out anyway," Joseph mumbled, slumping against the sofa like a sack of potatoes.

The guys gathered round, suddenly interested in life and what it had for us as he was going to reveal to us a secret he had kept for _eleven years._

"Desmond was a mess. I met him, by those cliffs outside. He said some things to me. He got mad, he didn't mean to. I was too close to the edge. Desmond pushed me, I fell, and that's how I ended up in the hospital all those years ago."

The guys sighed and Woody recalled Desmond talking about how he had a twin brother and he had suffered some serious injuries a few years ago because of an accident. Demi-Leigh was absolutely furious.

"And you didn't think to warn my sister?" Demi screamed at him.

Surprisingly, Joseph's eyes started to tear up and he looked away from us. For support, Dan put an arm around him and he didn't shake it off.

"Mate, we're all here. Guess we're all victims of Desmond and the shit he's put us through," Dan mumbled.

Quickly, I apologised for my sister's behaviour as I tried to calm Joseph down. He seemed steady now, and I forgave him instantly. His reasons for not telling anyone that secret were as good as mine. I mean, it explained why Joseph and Desmond had barely spoken to each other.

 It was in the moment, but I made the mistake of making eye contact with Will, and he looked away from me so blatantly that everyone noticed.

"If Desmond called you for a fix the day before, that makes you a drug dealer, doesn't it?"

Will's face instantly went red. Kyle gasped, like he was surprised. Woody fished around for his wallet (I assumed it was another bet he had lost).

"I'm not proud of that. That was one time."

Angrily, he stormed out of the house and Woody went after him to try and calm him down. I needed to address it, though. Friends cared for each other. At least, that was what my therapist had hinted to me. I wanted that, and I wanted to hold onto it.

Taking a walk down memory lane, down those streets - we all needed.

 


	38. Keeping me Awake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is really bad on the distressing scale I'm so sorry sorry I pasted this wrong oops so I fixed it

 

  
It had been some time, but Dan invited me to a party at a friend's house. It was probably the few times we were stepping out into the public eye as a couple. I was worried about people judging our relationship. I was barely twenty-five and Dan was turning thirty later in the year. It wasn't even that, it was the fact that maybe we were a bit mismatched. There was the whole race issue as well as the noticeable height difference, too.

"Alayna?" Dan called my name.

I blinked and looked at him. The limo ride had been so smooth that I hadn't noticed that he had been trying to get my attention. I smiled at my boyfriend. It was so typical of me to space out like that. Dan and the guys were sitting beside me in the limo, and they were excited because they were playing at the party too. They were going to play some tracks off Wild World (due to popular requests) All This Bad Blood and a song they hadn't really performed live before.

"You look gorgeous tonight," Dan whispered, and he made me all embarrassed although none of the guys were looking in our direction.

My mouth opened a bit as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him, landing his lips on my neck. I said nothing as he gently kissed my bare skin. It felt so good, but I couldn't moan in front of the guys so I ended up giggling instead.

Immediately, Kyle looked in our direction and began to sink in his seat and trying to work out whether he could open the windows in the limo. Woody laughed at that.

"Uh, guys. Guys. What are they doing?" Kyle asked, who seemed freaked out (he had a fear of germs).

Woody and Will laughed and they drank more beers. We decided to get a bit drunk too, though Dan refrained from drinking too much from a gig because he told me a story of who he was on stage once and he plugged something out by accident and got electrocuted. It was nothing serious, though.

It was kind of a group thing, because since the limo could sit eight people, Louise dragged Joseph and my sister along as well. Demi-Leigh was a total fan girl, although she didn't like to admit it and occasionally we would see her stalking Mark's Instagram because she thought he was incredibly cute. Louise was dressed differently (for a change) with all her ear piercings in, her black hair up and a short dress on. I nudged the guys when I pointed out how Joseph's hand was firmly on Louise's knee. We didn't press them on it as it was fairly new.

Since our journey got a bit delayed by the traffic, we were all stuck in a very hot limo and the conversations had run dry, as had the alcohol. We all knew that Will kept a secret stash somewhere, we just didn't know where it was. The night was pointing in the direction of truth or dare, unfortunately.

"Did Desmond say anything to you before he died?" Joseph asked me when I picked truth, and I indicated to Dan with my eyes that it was okay.

I began to shift around uncomfortably. Joseph always knew when something was wrong, I didn't know how he did it. We had been friends for a long, long time. He sighed and fished something out of his pocket, and I closed my eyes and took a deep breath because I knew what it was.

"That's blood money, and I'm not taking it," I protested firmly.

Joseph laid out the object on the table in front of us. At first glance, it was just a brown envelope with my name written on it. Silence fell in the limo, and the game had suddenly turned very serious and many thoughts were probably running through my sister's mind. She, with some indication from Woody, picked up the envelope and looked inside it. Leigh quickly placed it back down on the table and took a deep breath.

"It's fucking one hundred grand, Lay. It's his will, it's what he wanted," Joseph reminded me, and I knew the sum in my head, though it was barely going to change my mind.

Our eyes were all on the envelope with the money, and I felt so confused. Desmond had abused our whole relationship and it seemed silly of him to leave me with a huge wad of cash after his death. Dan looked at me, wanting to know me decision.

"If you don't take it, I might kill myself," Joseph mumbled.

My sister nudged him very hard with her sharp elbow. I didn't really mind the comment, I thought it was funny.

"That isn't funny," she groaned.

Since I didn't really feel like talking, I decided to text Dan instead. I didn't want to talk Desmond, or the stupid amount of money he had left me, thinking that I would appreciate it. How could he even think about leaving me money?

The mood got lifted again when Woody poked fun at Joseph when Louise and he were kissing and he noticed how he had a small scar where his nose piercing had been. I had to tell the story of how it happened because Joseph had lost a bet with Louise. It had been funny at the time. He committed to the bet by wearing it for two years, until he took the ring out. It suited him and his green eyes, though.

Suddenly, Louise leaned forward with a big grin on her face. I knew what that meant, and I wasn't going to like what would come out of her mouth.

"Would you write a song about Alayna?" Louise asked Dan, and surprisingly, his face didn't go red and he managed to keep his cool.

Dan scoffed.

"Why would I do that when I can show her how much I care about her?" he replied perfectly, and it made my face hot.

"Get a room," Kyle complained, covering his eyes.

Soon enough, we got to our destination. Mark met us there, and the guys were quite excited to get all set up and everything. Louise, my sister, Joseph and I stood in the audience, waving like idiots. We had some good conversations as we listened to the music. At one point, we all decided to hold hands and jump at random intervals. Hell, I underestimated how much fun I could have with them. I missed our friendship.

Would it keep you awake if it all didn't just seem so far away?

'Cause it keeps me awake trying to work this out until my dying day

It's always you standing in our way

It's always you that's leading us astray

We sang along with the band (despite how terrible we were) and appreciated them singing Final Hour live, though they never had before.

After the performance, we had a little more to drink and everything until it got the point where it took Joseph, Woody and Will to try and steady Louise. She kept on muttering about how she had left cheese in the oven or something, though we knew her hating of cheese and cooking. Kyle ate most of the food and there was a few salmon bits around, though they didn't particularly look appetising.

My heart skipped a beat, because Dan suddenly put his hands on my waist in front of everyone and pulled me closer to him. It indicated to me that he didn't mind people seeing us out in public, at least not at a friend's house. He kissed me deeply, and I returned my affection my shoving my tongue down his warm throat. Gently, he linked his hands with mine.

My boyfriend looked at me with his amazing blue eyes and his astonishing big heart and squeezed my hands. Dan was about to say something to me until Will groaned that the bus (instead of the limo) had arrived and we needed to go.

One by one, we either stumbled into the bus or were dragged into it by each other. By the time we got in, we were already discussing how well the performance was and how drunk Louise was. She literally passed out on Joseph's shoulder, and he loved it. I noticed how bumpy the ride was and how much I was moving about, though Dan put a supportive arm around me. I couldn't wait to go home and wake up to him in the morning.

One second, we were all laughing and drinking, the next, I heard the most terrible, terrible sound. It must have been the loudest sound I had heard in all of my twenty five years. Suddenly, a boom came from an unknown direction followed by a series of screams as the lights in the bus went black. We felt the motion of the bus swerving and tumbling to the side. I screamed uncontrollably as my hand slipped away from Dan's and I was thrown.

I was unconscious and my hands were wet, though I couldn't see because the darkness ahd taken over me. I was in so much pain. The old Alayna would have given up and died, lost her life in those circumstances - but I had so much to fight for. Dan, Will, Woody, Mark, Joseph, my parents, Rilo, Jordan, my sister, Kyle, Luna, Louise, Polly - even Marty and Blake. The friends and the connections I had made over the past year.

I heard something so strange, so familiar in the background...

Would it keep you awake

If the waters rise and took your house away?

Would it keep you awake

If the gun you locked was turned at you one day?

That was enough to keep me awake, wasn't it?

It was about to be put to the test as my body was paralyzed and I could hear something loud and annoying that was getting closer and closer to us. At that point, I had no idea what was going on and why I couldn't move. I knew that there had been some kind of accident, though I didn't know how bad it was.

Fight, fight fight.  I began to think about all the obstacles I had faced in my life and how I was planning to overcome them by taking my medication, opening up to my boyfriends, my sister and possibly even my parents and make them understand that I wasn't coping. I had to cope. As much as I could.

At once, my eyes opened, and I brought my legs to my chest, feeling scared. I hadn't looked around because my heart was thumping out of my chest. I pinched my skin so hard that I drew blood from it. I looked around, and the sight of a pool of blood on the floor was enough from me. I had no idea whose it was, and I didn't want to know because I feared the worst.

Dan and his voice. Woody and his drums. Kyle and his piano. Will and his bass. My sister and her interference. Joseph and his wise words. Louise and her laughter. Dan, my boyfriend. Woody and his devil worshipping sessions. Kyle and his eating habits. Will and his blood pressure. My sister and her kid. Joseph and how I had distanced myself from him after my relationship with Desmond ended. Louise and how much I had missed her over the years.

Holy shit, I loved those people.

Out of the blue, an ambulance woman came to my rescue, and she smiled at me. I looked at her and instantly started to freak out, my memories coming back to me and I realised the extent of the situation. Someone was badly injured. I was surprised, but I was calm. She checked me over. Somehow, she saw that I was apprehensive. I told her my name.

"You don't have to turn around if you don't want to. Look at me. Alayna. It's okay to feel scared or nervous, do you understand?"

When I wasn't responding, she quickly called a colleague and they both attended to my left wrist, which didn't look right. The other colleague then left after passing the woman something in a little medical bag.

"Do you know what's happened? Alayna?"

My eyes started to roll back into my head. I was trying my best to focus, but I was so scared. I was injured, I couldn't turn around.

"Dan? Where's my Dan? My sister? Please...please," I screamed.

I wasn't sure how it happened, but my body started to shake wildly and the woman who was seeing to my injury called her colleague, and they came to my rescue quickly. They both nodded at each other as they tried to calm me and my nerves down.

"Alayna? We're going to give you something to help you, okay?"

Her words were lost to the surroundings as I felt a sharp burst of pain when I caught a needle being put into my arm. Shortly after that, I found myself drifting into the darkness, feeling ashamed that I had let it win. It was hard to describe what happened after that, because I knew that I was being taken somewhere. My body was slumped onto something with hands running down it and fussing over me.

I lost consciousness. Someone holding my hand. I felt broken inside as their warmth was lost, and I was transported somewhere else.

When I awoke, I was in a hospital bed. I was surrounded by two nurses and a doctor, and their faces were grim though they were trying their best to look as friendly as possible. My eyes widened as I looked to them.

"You were involved in a crash. There were seven others involved."

I slipped out of bed, though one nurse protested against it. My balance was strange, as if I had just landed on the moon. Despite that, I was fine, and there was a bandage on my wrist. The doctor lectured me about how lucky I was.

"My sister? My boyfriend?"

The doctor and the nurses looked at each other for a moment.

"We haven't received anything yet. I'm so sorry. We need you to identity them."

My eyes started to water at the possibilities that the crash could entail for all of the people I loved. The nurse put a hand on my shoulder as the doctor led me out of the room. I made immediate eye contact with a bruised Dan Smith with a bandaged arm who had been waiting for me to come out. I ran into his arms immediately. The nurse questioned him shortly after and identified him. Dan had just come out of another room.

"Dan. Dan I'm so glad you're okay," I expressed, hugging him tightly.

I could feel my boyfriend hugging me tighter. I asked him whether he had been to visit the others, but it had taken him ten minutes to find me. Honestly, I was so happy to see him alive and well.

"Alayna. I thought I lost you. I love you," he told me, his eyes watering.

The nurses seemed understanding, though they had to lead us into the rooms the others were in. We held back our tears and walked hand in hand into the nearest room. It was a bigger room. Kyle and Will were in beds. Woody was sitting beside their beds, his eyes were bloodshot and it was obvious that he hadn't moved from the spot he had been in for ages.

Slowly, he turned his head to look at us. In that moment, we had seen Woody like we had never seen him before. It look one look at us and he started to burst into tears. Paralyzed, Dan and I held him in our arms, looking at each other like we wanted to cry too.

The nurses mentioned how they were worried at how uncooperative Woody had been since getting treating at the hospital. He hadn't told them his name, and he hadn't spoken a word because of the shock. They were very pleased to see some kind of emotional reaction from him, though. Woody was okay, apart from a couple of stitches on his face and ear that looked pretty nasty, to be fair.

We identified Will and Kyle. The doctor in the room gave us a summary and said that they would be okay and that Kyle would wake up soon. When we realised he was mostly talking about Kyle, we asked about Will, knowing that we wouldn't like the answer.

"He's in a coma. There could be brain damage, we're unsure. We managed to stabilise his blood pressure, or he would have been in even more trouble."

That was a positive, and we nodded. We looked at a bandaged Will and a Kyle with even more stitches than Woody. God, I was so worried.

"I mean, he has to be OK. He has to be OK, right?" Woody kept on asking, and we saw his hands shaking as his eyes darted to Will and to the nurses.

The doctor went onto explain what we thought was some new information, but he re-worded it. Woody's annoyance grew, and he wished us luck as he hadn't seen the others, and I thought it was cute how he stayed by their side.

"Shit, shit. This is all my fault. I-I-I mean, I-I-I insisted on going. I c-convinced everyone to go. It's my f-fault," Dan stuttered.

Quickly, I pulled him aside and out of the room and tried to calm him down. We needed each other.

"Dan. We need to get through this. It wasn't your fault. Life happens," I managed to assure him, and he calmed down a little.

Seeing Louise and Joseph only made Dan feel bad. They weren't in the ICU, but I knew the guilt was getting to him. Mark Jordan, surprisingly (news travelled fast) was waiting outside the room that Demi-Leigh was in. Seeing Mark was enough for Dan to break down completely. He sat on the nearest seats and started sobbing loudly, and Mark pulled Dan closer to him to try to calm him down.

Mark saw that I was hesitant to go inside.

"She's made of hard stuff. She's your older sister."

Just as I was about to go inside, one of the nurses turned around and I heard the sound of rushing footsteps and a child's voice. My emotions scattered into a thousand pieces and I saw Jordan running with Rilo in his arms.

"What the fuck happened? I've just got here. Where's Leigh? Where's my wife?" Jordan shouted, and he was fuming.

The doctor told him to lower his voice, and he reluctantly did so. Oh my God. Mark focused his attention on a scared toddler as he was frightened by his daddy. Dan got himself together and came into the room with me. Seeing my sister in a hospital bed with all sorts of machines and devices and medical professionals monitoring her was enough for me. I walked straight out of the room and slumped myself against the wall and started to cry.

Jordan and Dan came out and sat next to me. I was informed that Demi had lost quite a lot of blood but they managed to replace some of it so that she would recover. They said everything from her bleeding internally and externally, and it was just too much for me. It was three o'clock in the morning and an almost-two year old was crying because his daddy was crying. We watched, heartbroken as Rilo hurled himself toward Jordan and clung to him like a tight T-shirt, asking for his mum and Jordan just cried, and cried.

After pacing all over that long, horrible extended hospital corridor for about another hour, we couldn't sleep because we were restless. I couldn't leave my sister and the guys. I couldn't. Mark stayed in the room Louise and Joseph were in to give them a bit of support.

We woke up in a haze the next morning, though spirits were lifted because Will had woken up from his coma. He was fine, but he wasn't saying anything to anyone and he didn't like the staff touching him. Though he didn't want to admit it, he was more shaken up by the crash than we all were.

When I was told that my sister had woken up, I scooped Rilo up in my arms and Jordan and I went to visit her. She looked like she'd been through hell. Though she was in pain, she managed to sit up and rock Rilo in her arms. He'd been crying all night and he was really happy to see her, as was Jordan because he through his arms around her, covering her with kisses.

Half an hour later, I was finished visiting Demi and Kyle was standing outside, his foot in a bandaged up. He complained about his injury and how it was minor compared to my sister's. I was glad that he was okay, but he had lost his appetite. Will was okay, and he was put on crutches. There were bandages around his head too. We found out that Louise was in good condition, she had been given more blood as she escaped the crash with a nasty gash in her upper left arm.

Unfortunately, Joseph had covered her and he had to undergo surgery. His condition had stabilised and he was okay, but I was worried. He was awake, but there was something wrong with him. It was like, he wasn't there.

In his eyes, there was nothing.


	39. When Our Flaws Return

We stayed at the Bastille household as per usual, and Mark helped us get settled in. My sister wanted me to stay at hers, but I couldn't leave the guys. I mean, what we had experienced was serious, even if it hadn't made it to the news. Louise had to cater for him and child who wasn't even aware that he had a father. Everything was such a mess, but we could cope together.

Later on, everyone was a bit uneasy and nobody had mentioned the crash. In private, Dan was a bit shaken up so he talked to me. It must have been one of the very times he had talked to me about something so deep. He put his hands together and took a deep breath, and I told him he was welcome to take as much time as he needed.

"I heard Will. I-I-I saw him, he hit something. Then he fell onto me. I was holding his hand. I was holding yours. I-I let go. I woke up, he was bleeding _so much._ I passed out. I-I..." Dan explained, and I felt a bit upset about how guilty he felt about it.

I mean, my sister was still in the hospital. Dan said I should go and visit her, but Jordan and my parents were there. As far as I was concerned, they would probably blame me for talking her into going when she wanted to stay at home with Rilo. Shit, even I felt guilty.

However, something happened in the middle of the night. I heard something, and uninvited, I slipped into Woody's room and he was breathing heavily. I suspected that he was having a panic attack, so I rushed to his side. Kyle must have heard, because he hopped over on one leg to check if he was alright, but I was struggling to snap him out of it. Woody ran his hands through his hair and he was looking around frantically as if he didn't know where he was.

"Woody. Woody, mate. Look at me. _Chris_ ," Kyle ordered softly.

His breathing seemed to steady, and he looked embarrassed and he put his head in his hands, shaking his head. We knew that Woody didn't really like to admit things, but maybe the crash had affected him more than all of us combined. Kyle hopped to the over side of the room to turn the light on.

"I-I can't sleep. I-I can't think," Woody admitted, running his hands through his hair.

Kyle indicated that it was okay for me to leave, and I went back to bed alongside my boyfriend, but it hadn't been enough for me. It took me hours to get to sleep, even with a warm Dan Smith sleeping beside me.

The next day, Woody was being really unresponsive. He didn't open his door to anyone, even Kyle. He wasn't accepting any food and I could barely hear him breathing beyond the door. We gathered in the morning. None of us spoke because we didn't know what were the right things to say. We ended up just getting on with our lives.

Will had gotten quite used to using his crutches, though we heard a bang and groaning coming from the kitchen, and I gasped. I came rushing out to the kitchen in my dressing gown. Will wasn't freaking out, surprisingly. He'd fallen and his head was bleeding. He was barely blinking.

"Will? Will? You've hit your head," I mumbled as Dan came out.

I tried to move his legs to the side, but screamed out in pain at my broken wrist. Dan got down on the floor and told me not to move, and Will, and he got out a first aid kit. I frowned at my boyfriend as he tried to pop Will up. Dan thought he could tend to Will's injury, but he needed to go to hospital.

I felt a bit sorry for Will, because he really did look out of it. The crimson red blood was dripping down the side of his head, and the worst thing was that he was barely awake. He'd been adamant on dressing himself, but maybe that had taken up most of his energy. Dan looked at it though Will hated us fussing over him. Dan looked at me, his face turning a mix of red and green.

"Please. Don't take me back there. I...I don't want to go back...to hospital. Please..." Will managed to say.

Dan and I looked at each other. In the end, we had to call an ambulance. Will was quite embarrassed by the whole thing. I smiled at Dan and told him to go with him. I stayed and manned the fort.

Will and Dan returned an hour later. A nurse came in and asked us about our thoughts on the event and was concerned that we needed help. I told her that we were fine on the physical part, though we were worried about Woody. She didn't want to interfere, though she could organise for us all (or some) to have some sort of counselling if it was necessary. I thought it was pretty necessary. The look on Will's face when he had to go back in hospital, and how difficult Woody was being.

Sorting out the counselling had been quite stressful. Will agreed to it (reluctantly) and the main mission was getting Woody to come out of his room. He wasn't one for sunlight anyway, but we were worried about him. I started by knocking on his door twice, but there was no answer.

"Woody. Come on mate. We're worried," Kyle expressed, and he looked really stressed at that point.

The nurse stood awkwardly beside us and advised that we should give him some time, but time was running out. The more time Woody spent in that room, the less likely it would be that he would come out and engage with the world.

Dan frowned and started to tap his feet. We looked at him and he started pacing and clicking his fingers.

_Now these days are feeling dark_

_We're struggling to figure out last year_

_When the woman on the news_

_Keeps saying things that no one wants to hear_

Immediately, we heard some shuffling coming from Woody's room. Dan continued with another verse.

_'Cause it's easier to bury_

_My head in the sand sometimes_

_Yes, it's easier to bury_

_My head in the sand sometimes_

We heard more shuffling, and I opened the door. It was no longer locked. I walked inside, and Woody was sitting slumped up against the wall beside is bed, his hand pressed to his mouth. Quietly, without the others present, I asked him if he needed help, he nodded, and I told the nurse my thoughts.

A week later, things were going better. None of us really wanted to go for a night out ever again. I clung to Dan. I was so happy that he hadn't been badly injured, and I had spent hardly any time with him since the crash. Most of our time was put into making sure that Woody and Will were okay, as well as Kyle, who wasn't eating properly.

Dan and I decided to spend some time together. Things got to that point where he pinned me down to the bed, and I groaned in pain, looking at my wrist that hadn't healed fully yet. Dan smiled and got off me, rolling to the side of the bed. _Damn, I really wanted to do things with him._ I watched as he reached into the drawers for something, and I raised my eyebrows. I watched as he produced a condom in his hands and he looked at me with a massive grin on his face.

"You don't have to move, it's all right," Dan suggested, and my eyes widened.

I laughed as I let him reach over to undress me, but I groaned because of the pain of my wrist falling all over the place. Eventually, we just gave up and started laughing.

Next week flew by, and it was our counselling session. The nurse thought it would be a good idea to have the eight of us together since we were all friends though I didn't think it was a good idea. We all sat in one room. I thought it was going to be bearable, but I was wrong. Woody hadn't spoken to anyone that day, even when the counsellor asked his name. He had a cap over his head, which was weird for us to see and he was looking down.

They started with asking us about how we felt about the crash. It was obvious, so when it was my turn to answer, I didn't, much to my sister's dismay. My sister sighed and looked at me. She'd recently been let out of hospital. She had been the last to leave. Demi had been lucky to escape, with all the internal bleeding.

"You're not taking this seriously. I could have died. Everyone could have died," she rudely snapped at me.

Of course, Joseph saw what was coming immediately and gave Demi-Leigh a you're-doing-the-wrong thing stare, but she didn't acknowledge it.

"Demi-Leigh," Joseph warned, for we all knew each other all too well.

But my veins rose to the surface. Just as I was about to stick up for myself, something else was said which made things worse.

"You woke up. You just sat there. You didn't help pull anyone out," Louise accused me, but she was twisting the story.

I scoffed, and Dan gripped my hand a little harder. The counsellor looked as if they were between a rock and a very hard place.

"Fucking hell, Louise. She was scared, we all were," Dan argued.

His participation in the argument seemed to have brought silence to the room, until it somehow got continued again. I sat, sinking into my seat and clenching the skin on my wrist tightly. I just wanted it all to blow over, but it certainly wasn't looking that way.

"Does that matter?" Louise protested.

There was a certain air of annoyance in the room, and I saw that Kyle was about to speak up - and I had to admit, I was afraid of what was going to come out of his mouth.

"Don't argue with him. He saved all of our lives. If it wasn't for him singing, nobody would have found us there," Kyle hissed.

I looked at my boyfriend and smiled at him.

"What song was it?" I had to ask him.

Dan suddenly went red and blushed.

"Final hour," he mumbled.

Will chuckled, and it seemed to bring a bit of morale into the room. Well, Dan's singing often brought joy to us all.

"Fucking morbid," Will commented, and he was still laughing.

Things seemed to be ending on a good note, and my sister cleared her throat. I looked at her as she fished for something in her pocket.

"Um, the police found this at the scene. I wanted to know who it belonged to. It's obviously someone in this room."

I tried my best not to look at Dan in those moments. Of course, nobody had suspected that Dan had proposed, but we didn't want everyone to find out. We looked at the sparkling ring that Demi held in her hands, and she was eyeing it closely. I knew that I would regret it, but I raised my hand.

A series of gasps followed, and I felt really embarrassed.

"Dan, you proposed?" Woody asked, and that was great because we hadn't heard him speak at all until that point.

Shyly, he linked his hand with mine and nodded. It had been not so long after he practically got my father's blessing. _My old fashioned fiancé._ I was happy that everyone congratulated us. It felt weird to be in the fiancé position again.

Things took a funny turn later that week, because a friend called me in the dead of the night. Even though I had been reluctant, I answered their call and met them at a highly inappropriate place. It was the cemetery where Desmond was buried. Joseph and I stood at the foot of his grave, where Joseph looked down at him and the dead flowers in disgust. I was shocked out how the dirt was all dug up and how the grave had practically been destroyed.

"Some kids trashed it. I didn't stop them."

I wanted to judge him, I wanted to scream at him and tell him that his brother would have been turning in his grave, but it wasn't my place. Desmond had done a lot have bad things which had ultimately affected every single one of us in that counselling sessions.

"I barely blame you."

Of course, I hadn't heard him do one particular thing in years, so I found it strange when he opened his mouth to do it.

_When all of your flaws_

_And all of my flaws are laid out one by one,_

He continued.

_You have always worn your flaws on all your sleeve_

_And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground_

In that moment, his singing came to a halt and he started to sob in my arms. I couldn't do anything but console him. Joseph had never grieved Desmond properly, and almost losing his life for the second time made him realise that he needed to do it.

Things took an even more stressful. We all went to our next little counselling group session. Louise was keen to talk to me, but honestly, I didn't want to. I ignored her on our way in because of what happened last time. I noticed that Joseph wasn't present.

"Alayna," she said in a warning tone, one of which I hadn't heard in so many years.

It made me stop and turn around to face her. Of course, he face was as white as a sheet, and she rubbed her arms nervously. Her black hair fell effortlessly over her face, as none of us had been taking good care of ourselves since the crash. Louise's eyes were wide and terrified.

"Joseph. I can't find him. He's gone. I'm worried. I woke up, and there was a trail of blood. If you have _any_ idea in God's name where he is..."

I took that as enough and started to think of where the hell he could be. There was only one place. I told everyone to stay put. Dan smiled at me and kissed me before I left.

My head held high and my annoyance surging through my veins, I exited the place where our session was held and caught the bus to the cemetery. I didn't know how to explain it, but I just knew that he would be there. I saw a mesh of blond hair standing by a familiar grave, so I went there. Just by calling his name, he walked over to me and agreed to come back with me.

I stopped dead in my tracks at what I saw.

Call me crazy, bipolar, off my head or my rocker - but I knew what I saw.

My mouth dropped when I saw him in the flesh. My eyes twitched, my body went into meltdown mode. The clean shaven face, the dark brown hair and the tall frame. The cold, hard brown eyes had to belong to only one man I knew.

Joseph turned round and saw me, his expression dropping.

In that moment, I ran as fast as I could. Honestly, I was so scared, so frightened at what I had just saw. I retraced my steps, caught the quickest bus and got back to the counselling room, my breath heavy. Louise seemed confused when I had turned up without

I looked at the counsellor. She was a blonde woman, probably in her late forties.

"Look. Get out," I ordered her.

The counsellor scoffed, and I gave her a dirty look to show her that I was being remotely serious. The guys were exchanging nervous looks with each other.

"You don't want to fucking be here. Get out," I shouted at her.

In a hurry, the counsellor left and Dan put a hand on my shoulder. I felt my hands shaking, and I all I wanted to do was up and leave as quickly as I could. _My eyes had been playing tricks on me, right?_ I tried to urge Dan to go, but he didn't understand why I was acting the way I was in those moments.

Joseph entered with a grim expression on his face, a man of a similar frame and figure behind him. He was covered head to toe, dressed like the casual chav with a cap covering most of his facial features. By his presence, I could already tell who it was. Without a word or any indication from anyone, the man walked over to the door and jammed it shut. Joseph stayed eerily silent.

Tap. His cap fell to the ground. We all gasped as it revealed the face of Desmond Green and who we thought had been a friend for all of those months we'd suffered together. Joseph was quite calm. He pulled up a chair and sat at a distance away from everyone else.

"How...?" I found the words unable to come out of my mouth.

I had a feeling, I knew.

"Who knows. Maybe you're going insane. I mean, after all, guilty men see ghosts," he taunted me.

Everyone was too shocked to say anything.

"Oh my God. That was part of your experiment. The notebooks. You fucking planned it," I accused him.

Desmond laughed. At least nobody in the room thought I had gone completely insane, as there was physical evidence of it.

"I had to show my face. You know what I had to risk sneaking in that hospital to see you?" Desmond hissed at Joseph, which was totally unfair.

Obviously, I put my hands to my head and prayed to God that I was imagining everything that was happening. Clearly, I wasn't. I walked over to the nearest exit (the one which he had closed) and tried to open it.

"Hey. Hands off. Everyone here is going to talk. Everyone here is going to go through what I went through. Everyone here is going to have things said about them."

The room fell silent, until Demi protested. Desmond silenced her effortlessly, casting his eyes on the exit I was centimetres from.

"Why are you helping him? What does he have over you?" I questioned Joseph, but he quietly told me to leave it and sighed heavily.

He wasn't the only one that was between a rock and a hard place. We stood in the room staring him down.

Then, we started to look at each other and we began to wonder why there had been a reason for Desmond to come back from the dead and what it was. Most of all, how could we trust each other if there were still, after all those years, _more to be said._


	40. Lost in the Currents

After looking at one another, Desmond continued to eye Louise. Suddenly, the atmosphere in the room had gone toxic. All of us had questions because a few months ago, we thought he had been very much six foot under the ground. We wondered how he was standing in front of us, untouched and looking as Desmond as he could. However, we didn't even need to ask him any questions because I just knew that he was going to answer them himself. My ex was physic like that.

"I came back here because of something you kept from me. I originally wasn't going to stay here," Desmond revealed.

He was talking to Louise now. Her eyes were firm, though her face had gone red with embarrassment. My heart started to race. Even though Louise had left town all those years ago, I still considered us to be the best of friends. What if there was something really big she had been keeping from me? _I didn't want our friendship to fall to pieces because of Desmond and his evil ways and methods of manipulation. I didn't want it to get lost in the raging waters which circled our hometown._

"Brad. He's mine, and you kept that from me," Desmond hissed.

I stopped to think for a moment, and we all looked at Joseph. I raised my eyebrows at my ex fiancé, wondering how that worked. There had to be some sort of in depth explanation because nobody was uttering a word. It was between Louise, Desmond and Joseph to say something to shed light on the situation.

At first, Louise scoffed at Desmond. Then, her face went all red again and I noticed she tapped her foot on the floor as she tried to think of something to say.

Oh, dear Lord.

"We're identical twins, though I know you hate that, but I slept with her last. You haven't seen that notebook yet, but the dates in there match. Sorry to disappoint," he explained.

It took my breath away. I had to wonder whether Louise knew, but she nodded. Then, she looked at me and I suspected she was going to apologise, but it was too late. She had a whole history with Desmond and kept it secret from me, left him in the dark all those years about having a son. I assumed that their relationship hadn't involved as much abuse as mine, too. That could only cause me to draw one conclusion: Louise had known all along.

"Lay. I'm so, so sorry," she apologised.

I nodded, not saying anything. It was in the past. I guessed that it had been a total mistake, and that was why she had left town. I mean, the dates and the situation matched up perfectly. Louise fell pregnant and she disappeared.

Though, we had to wonder why Joseph had gone along with it. Desmond had Joseph wrapped around his little finger, and it was very unlike Joseph to flake, to bend to his command. That could only mean one thing. It meant that Desmond obviously had something over him, though I was too scared to ask.

Still, I made my way over to Demi. No words were exchanged between us, but if Louise and Desmond had a kid together, that meant that they would have had to sleep together. The thought of it made my skin crawl after what he had tried to do to me and how he acted as a person.

It was, of course - the ultimate betrayal. Our friendship seemed to have been lost in the currents, and I wasn't sure if I was willing to dive in after it in an attempt to save it.

At that moment, Desmond seemed pretty defeated. Joseph and I were exchanging nervous glances, and he caught onto that and looked at Louise again. I felt trouble brewing.

"Besides, without me in the way, and Mr Smith over there, Louise, Joseph and Alayna would have been endgame anyway," Desmond pointed out.

Joseph went red and frowned at his twin brother. I saw Dan staring at me as he waited for me to react.

"Bullshit," I called him out.

I felt my blood surging rapidly through my veins, and I felt really, really annoyed. Like something so untrue and horrible and with the intent to hurt could come out of his mouth like that. Louise looked devastated. Joseph and her had a really good thing going. Who was Desmond to ruin it?

"Look, what's your problem? Why can't you leave well alone?" I inquired.

Then I realised I had already answered my own question. Well couldn't be left alone because Louise had opened up a whole can of worms. Desmond had a twelve year old son and that changed things massively. He had to stick around. My sister realised this and put all the facts together inside of her head. She began to shake her head, and Woody looked worried.

"If you stay here, I will come after you for everything that you have. I won't stop," Demi warned, her voice soft but firm.

It was strange, because I hadn't seen my sister in that overprotective light since secondary school when she stuck up for me when a girl was giving me a hard time. Nobody bothered me ever again. She was a lawyer, and a good one at that. I hadn't necessarily given her permission to threatening to drag him to court after all that he had done and said, but it was enough to put even Desmond Green at a loss for words.

"Be fair, Leigh," Desmond answered softly.

My sister took a deep breath. She didn't seem convinced. Silence fell on the room again, and we head Desmond breathe deeply. He closed his eyes as if he was trying to remember something.

"Look. I actually found you guys when the crash happened. I called an ambulance. I pulled Dan out because he was stuck. I gave you blood, Leigh. I was a match, and if I hadn't have, you would have died."

Demi-Leigh laughed, but I had a feeling that there was some truth to his words. Joseph had known of his new existence. Who else in the room had?

"The donor was anonymous. I-I mean..."

"If you asked the ward, they would give you my description. I don't need to prove I'm telling the truth."

That was left at that, and my sister quietly thanked him under his breath. Of course, Demi had the rare blood type and the chances of finding blood to replace the amount she had lost so quickly would have been very, very small. I could have given her blood, but I turned up later at the hospital.

Desmond cleared his throat when Woody was about to open his mouth.

"I'm still here because of Joseph."

That didn't really clear anything up. Joseph looked very, very nervous. Well, Desmond had thrown him into the hot seat. My ex fiancé gave him a gesture to explain why he was standing in front of us today. Joseph said nothing, which made things even worse.

"He tried to kill me. He gave me a my fix, a good one, or so, _I thought._ I thought I was going to die. A bad batch," Desmond explained.

He then told us that Joseph had taken care of it somehow at a nearby hospital. Joseph had waited until Desmond had been released, but Desmond had disappeared. _Holy shit._

"I can't believe this. You aren't denying it," Louise snapped.

More silence answered our questions. Joseph was obviously ashamed, because he slowly started to pace up and down the room. There wasn't an excuse for their fighting, really.

Of course, Desmond had never intended to create a _monster_.

The pushing each other off cliffs and the poisoning each other. It just wasn't right. Suddenly, Joeseph came to a stop and reluctantly cast his eyes on his twin brother. He put his hand out. It was some kind of mutual agreement, in a way, because Desmond took his hand and Joseph was crying while they apologised to each other.

Meanwhile.

I walked over to the exit and had another go at it. Honestly, I wanted to get away from all the lies and the sociopaths in the room and get on with my daily life. It didn't even matter that Desmond was back. Joseph and Louise weren't the people who I thought they were. Desmond, too. They had once been a very big part of my life.

"You know, I think you should take another look at Dan," Desmond suggested.

Immediately, I shot my ex fiancé a dirty look and I only had to wonder what the hell he was suggesting.

But damn, did Dan look guilty of something.

"He saw me after he did a concert about two months ago. He didn't believe what he was seeing of course," he revealed.

I wasn't mad at him. Hell, if I had seen my ex boyfriend I would have gone insane. We all believed (except Joeseph) that he was six foot under the ground. A sigh came from Woody.

"And that's why I caught you smoking weed," he realised.

I thought back to that moment (refresh your memory if needed, I don't know what chapter it is). I gestured to my fiancé that it was okay. If I saw him,  I would have ran straight to drugs too. Everything was understandable.

*********************

A few weeks passed. Though I was hardly speaking to Louise, I caught wind that Desmond visited Bradley regularly and tried his best to keep out of my way.

The guys were officially on break with their tour, which meant I had Dan to myself for about two months. I was so excited, too. We sat down and talked about our engagement for the first time in ages. Dan and the guys would be on tour in the U.S in two months, and he would be really busy. I told him that I could wait until next year, though he wasn't sure about how I would fit him.

My heart panged when I realised I would have to accept that. I loved Dan, and we had waited almost two years to be together. Nothing could get in the way of that. Our love, our passion was not going to get lost in the currents.

At some point, I figured our paths were bound to cross. He was, somehow, having lunch with Louise. I knew that they weren't together. Bradley was there too, hapilly digging into a ton of cheesecake. _Anything to keep a whining kid happy._ I had gone up to the counter, paid for my coffee and was about to leave when I bumped into Desmond. He couldn't have done it on purpose, because he was shocked to see me.

Since we were being civil to one another (and we hadn't been in years) we stepped to the side, and I noticed that he didn't make eye contact with me when I asked him how he was. I gave him a satisfactory answer. _If only he hadn't have messed things up, we could have raised a child. Had a whole future together. It sickened me just thinking about it._

Just as we were about to go our separate ways, I felt a hand on my arm. I knew, from the heat and the awfully familiar feeling to it, it was Desmond's. However, it didn't take me right back to the days of our relationship. It took me to then, now.

"Joseph. He's not doing very well. He needs help."

I nodded, and we shared a common understanding - let alone, _love_ for Joseph. I figured that it was time to get him help - and Woody, too.

Even though the guys were on a break, they were to play a gig the following day. We decided to tag along with them. Life had to go on since the crash, after all. Louise brought Bradley along, and Desmond - I hadn't seen him all night. Again, he had done a really good job of keeping out of my way that it almost annoyed me.

It must have been twenty minutes before the guys were about Togo on stage, and the worst thing imaginable happened. I noticed that Woody had been rather uncomfortable for the last half an hour, looking over his shoulders. He closed his eyes and clutched his knees, and it seemed as if he couldn't catch his breath.

Kyle noticed it too.

"Woody? Woody?" Kyle called his bandmate's name, who was unresponsive.

His breathing and heavier. Of course, I had experienced what he was going through before but I didn't know how to control it. Dan looked worried.

"Woody? Mate, it's all right. Mate," Dan coaxed.

That didn't seem to work, not even when Will tried to calm him down, and they were quite close. The pressure of the gig must have been freaking him out, as Dan started to look uncomfortable too.

"Everything's falling apart. I'm gonna be sick," Will announced, pushing past everyone and a confused Mark to dive into the nearest bathroom.

A moment passed, and I caught Desmond lurking in the hallway with a cup of God knew what. He saw that we were having trouble and came over out of curiosity. Only Kyle really acknowledged him.

Desmond sighed and got to his knees, and he did it in such a relaxing, well experienced way.

"Chris? Can you hear me?"

Woody's breathing continued, though he did seem to vaguely acknowledge Desmond, and that was a start. From afar, we could hear Will throwing up.

"Can you tell me where you are?" Desmond asked, his voice firm and clear.

There was an air of silence.

"B-B-Backstage."

I felt relieved when Woody finally said something.

"Can you listen to the sound of my voice? _Un, dois, tois."_

My ears perked up when I heard him speaking French. The last time he had done so was the day he overdosed. At once, Woody's heavy breathing stopped, and he wriggled his fingers.

That Desmond was the man I had fallen in love with. The thought came to me that he had been in that kind of situation before.

Within ten minutes, peace had been restored again. We were going to thank Desmond, but he mysteriously disappeared before anybody could thank him. Had he done that on purpose? The band went on to play, despite Will having made a complete mess of the _only_ bathroom not too long ago.

After the gig, I made it my sole aim to try and find my ex and find out why he hadn't stayed to bask in all the glory. The Desmond I knew, plotting or not, would have stayed and bragged about how helpful he had been at diffusing Woody's panic attack. Somehow, I managed to find him in the midst of the crowd, though he was meant to meet up with us backstage (yes, he had been invited after he had been helpful) though he didn't show.

His back was to me, and he was leaving, meaning that he had every intention to decline our invitation and walk off unnoticed. Next, he would have probably called up tomorrow with an excuse of he fell asleep and woke up in a stranger's house, or he drank too much.

But hell, he was as clean as a whistle.

The next week, Dan was busy visiting family members while he still could, so Kyle and I mostly had the house to ourselves. I didn't ask him why he didn't choose to visit family, as he did talk about them a bit. More than my boyfriend, or should I say - _my fiancée, anyway._ We decided to celebrate by watching a movie.

We sat on the sofa with a blanket over us. Dan and I hadn't really done that as a couple before due to our busy schedules. I thought of Kyle, Will and Woody as my brothers.

Well, until an awkward thing happened. I was reached for a chocolate bar when I dropped it underneath the blanket, and Kyle chuckled as I tried to find it. I fumbled around with my hands, accidentally touching his upper thigh. We both looked at each other and Kyle _blushed wildly._ Immediately, he looked away from me.

The rest of the movie was watched in silence.

Then the next awkward thing happened. Kyle got up, and I grabbed hold of his jumper sleeve and I tugged him a little too hard. His mouth opened as he fell on top of me, him laying on top of me on the sofa. We awkwardly stared at each other before Kyle shuffled off me and apologised a total of seven and a half times before  stopped him.

Anyway, I wanted to surprise Dan when he came back, so I slipped into something a little more revealing (he was easily pleased). I stepped out without realising Kyle was still in the living room, and he blushed. I retreated back to my bedroom and started to think about how sensible it would be for Dan and I to rent a house or something.

Half an hour later, I was overjoyed when my boyfriend came home. Dan's face went red when he saw what I was wearing. _Well, barely wearing._ He wrapped his arms around me, and I was elated to see him.

"I'm so sorry. We got a gig in Glastonbury once again. It's the festival kind," Dan apologised.

I had to learn to accept his career and lifestyle and welcome it into my life, so I nodded and said that it was fine. It lasted a week, and I was free to invite everyone that I knew. The guys were set to leave for a few days.

Heck, I didn't want our relationship to be lost in the currents.

Two or three nights before the guys left for Glastonbury, I remembered having a sleepover with my sister and my friends. It was a pretty girly night with the stereotypical face masks (no braiding hair) spiling mugs of tea and having to clean them up, not to mention dancing around like complete idiots.

"How did you and Dan meet?"

Louise and my sister didn't know. Of course, my two best friends, Luna and Polly burst out laughing like idiots. It continued for about a minute when Louise and Demi were desperate to know how we met.

"He kidnapped me."

I went on to explain my story, and it made me laugh. If I hadn't have left my horrible, sweaty workplace in complete daydream mode that day, we probably wouldn't have met. I was glad we did, and that was enough to remind me to keep fighting for our relationship. I wouldn't let the raging currents take it away - nor Desmond, Linda's death, the crash, my mental health or anything else anymore.

There was no excuses, come hell or high waters.


	41. Kyle: The Driver

We were all there for the Glastonbury festival, and the guys were really excited to perform. Dan really wanted to live in tents (like the commoners we were) so we did, although it was more of a glamping experience since they were celebrities and all. There were four people to a tent. I shared with Dan, Kyle and Mark. Desmond, (though he didn't want to come, the guys insisted and even checked with me) Joseph, Will and Woody were in the second tent.

Overall, it was a really hot day and I had to keep on making sure that my boyfriend was protecting himself against the sun, because unlike myself, he burnt so easily. Dan whined as I wiped another bottle of sunscreen all over his face.

"Alayna!" he growled.

We were in the privacy of our own section of the tent, and I smiled at him. Even though he would never pick me over his music (as I would never want him to) I was actually really happy for him and all that he had accomplished. From writing songs and hiding them from his friends and family to singing them on a stage in front of millions - and that was what he was going to do in just a few hours.

Of course, my boyfriend really loved the camping experience. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his well protected face, and he did the same. Playfully, I wrapped my legs around him so that he could feel my warmth. This amused Dan, because he chuckled and cupped my face with his manly hands, running one of them through my black hair.

"Alayna, if you do that..." he warned, his voice getting quieter.

I giggled, and I saw that Dan's hand was slowly reaching towards his bag as he held me in his arms. He fished out a box of some sort in a few seconds, placing it on top of his bag. It was a box of condoms.

"Dan Smith! I didn't know you were so weak," I whispered into his ear, kissing the side of his face.

That caused my boyfriend to blush, and he placed both hands firmly on my back and pushed my back against the tent floor. He ran his fingers down my tight crop top, making sure to take note of all the curves and the bumps that followed. It seemed that he couldn't wait any longer, because he slipped his hands underneath my skirt, and I found myself rolling my eyes anticipating how he was going to pleasure me.

With a smile, he leaned in to kiss me as he moved his hands in a circular motion just above my stomach, making me warm.

"What position would you like to be in for our wedding day?"

My face went hot not just at his question, but the fact that he hadn't completely forgotten that he'd gotten engaged to me.

"Mhmm."

Swiftly, I adjusted myself so that I was sitting on his lap, my knees either side of him. This pleased Dan, who was grinning now and undressing me with those eyes. Quite easily, I slipped my crop top off, revealing my bra. Dan placed his hands on my sides, feeling the material. My hands found themselves clasped around the zip of his jeans. He got one of his fingers underneath my bra strap, teasing me as he pulled it down. Dan playfully kissed my slightly revealed chest, causing me to moan.

Suddenly, I heard something, and Will appeared. I gasped, falling off Dan completely and groaning as I hit the floor. Dan realised what had happened, and his face went red and he stood up immediately, zipping his jeans. Will looked at us with his mouth open.

"Uh. Uh, uh uh," was all the words that came out of his mouth.

Clearly, it must have been important, because he turned around so he couldn't see me slip my top back on.

"Yes, Will?" I said, feeling less embarrassed.

He said nothing as he walked over to Dan's bag, stooped down beside it and inspected it until he found what he was looking for. He opened Dan's box of condoms and look two out. We eyed him suspiciously. The room was so silent that we all burst out laughing. Dan and Will exchanged looks.

"Mate, are you...?" Dan asked, his voice disappearing in the loud festival-goers outside of our tent.

Will must have understood what he meant, because his face went as red as a tomato and he begged Dan to shut up.

"No, no!" he denied.

Suddenly, Dan turned back to me and he started cracking up now, clapping his hands and running them through his hair.

"He's having a threesome. I bet," he joked, and Will stormed out laughing.

Dan then explained that Will had once said the next time he asked Dan for condoms, it would be when he was having a threesome, though I called bullshit. 

Naturally, Dan and I spent a bit more time together. We really wanted to have sex, but ruled it out as a bad idea in case someone came wandering in. Dan seemed pretty happy, and we were all pretty excited for the festival. They had a couple of songs to play that they rarely ever performed live, and he couldn't wait for everyone to hear them. He was so excited that he wouldn't even let me hear him practise.

Half an hour before he was due to go on stage, I wanted to spend a bit of time with him before I witnessed other girls trying to catch him after and before the show and sticking their hands down his trousers. I knew in my heart that he was mine, anyway. We kissed, and he ran his hands down the side of my body.

Without much effort, I'd stepped out of the tent wearing a pair of wedges, a short skirt and an off the shoulder top. He kissed me one last time before he went to go and sort something out with Mark.

The guys caught me backstage, though they seemed a little weirder than usual. Upon bumping into Woody, Will and Kyle, they started to exchange nervous glances.

"Hey, Alayna. You look nice," Woody complimented me.

I saw that as completely normal, and wanted to continue with our conversation, but I sensed the guys trying to convey some kind of message to me.

"So, uh, you're wearing that tonight?" Will figured.

I raised an eyebrow at him, wondering why they were all trying to hint at something. I stared at the two blankly, wondering what unwritten rule I had broken.

"Have I done something wrong?" I asked them.

My eyes were wide as silence passed.

"It's just that, you know the guys here. They're like vultures! You should have a buddy," Kyle warned me.

I thought for a moment, and they were probably right. Desmond was reluctant to be around me, so Joseph was assigned to be my buddy instead. I had to admit, he had a lot of energy and had changed. Joseph had never been a party/festival kind of guy, but that night he was jumping around with me and everything. He put an arm around my side and smiled at me.

From the stage, we heard:

_There was a time when a moment like this_

_Wouldn't ever cross my mind_

_The sun will rise with my name on your lips_

_Cause everything will change tonight_

After the show, I was craving Dan badly and I waited for him backstage. He was doing the usual stuff that made me a little envious, like talking to fans and signing autographs whilst it was noticeable that Kyle was the only person backstage. He greeted me.

"Hey. Like the show? Was it good?" he inquired.

I nodded

"Yeah, I enjoyed it," I replied with a smile.

He pulled me closer to him, sliding his hands extremely slowly down my sides. I froze as he did it, because he was smiling at me. There was something un-Kyle like about it.

Was I missing something there?

"Dan will be out here soon. I'm sure he'll enjoy himself with you tonight," he added mysteriously.

I laughed it off, thinking that he meant nothing by it, though he had said something like that before at the wedding. _Paranoid Alayna._

I was so paranoid that Dan and I didn't end up doing anything that night. He was so tired anyway, so I guess that helped. He lay flat on our tent bed. Dan would have those nights where he was just in a snuggle mood, so I provided him with my warmth from my body and we snuggled together. I loved it when he pulled my closer to him, because I felt _so safe_ in his arms.

He asked me whether I had fun at the show tonight, and I would always roll my eyes when he would ask me that, because my answer was always the same.

Things seemed to progress in weirdness, because less than a week later, I was watching the guys rehearse when Kyle made eye contact with me, and it lingered. It wasn't like he was flirting with me or anything, it was more so a dirty look, and I had wondered what I had done to possibly upset him.

After watching the guys rehearse for half an hour more, I began to feel uncomfortable. Desmond (reluctantly) was there too, and I could see that he probably wanted to have a world with me about it on the way out, but he left me be, and hell, I respected him for that. I figured that I was easily annoyed and needed more space, so I stepped outside.

Unfortunately, the person who was sent to check up on me was Kyle, and I started to get really annoyed. For some reason, he was in some kind of mood (and he never, ever was) and was taking it out on me and nobody else.

"You all right?"

I wrinkled my nose at him as a response. I expected him, like any other normal person, to walk away and leave me alone, but he stayed put. He knew _exactly_ what he was doing.

"Keeping secrets?" Kyle assumed.

My blood boiled at that moment, and it reminded me of one of my past arguments with Desmond, which was eerily weird. Kyle was never the type to wind someone up on purpose, but he was succeeding.

"Fuck off, Kyle," I swore at him, half-playfully.

I stormed out of the studio in a mood, not letting anybody know that I had left. Having my luck, I didn't get very far because a familiar high-pitched sound began to ring in my ears. To all my horror, I looked down. A little furry creature with whiskers was analysing me. Of course, out of all the animals, it had to be Polly's cat. Genius. _Genie for short, what difference it made, I wouldn't know._

Knowing that I had seen it was enough. I sighed and scooped her up in my arms, though she meowed loudly as if to protest despite snuggling up against my leg seconds before. Directing my feet somehow, I marched back into the studio and came face to face with Desmond. He'd tried to stay out of my way, though it hadn't really been working. I'd barely locked eyes with him for a second, and it ran straight into his arms. _Well. Some magic that cat brought me._

For the rest of that day, I was stuck in the studio, much to both mine and Kyle's dismay.

The following day, we all got together, and I hoped that Kyle's mood would have passed, but it didn't. When I tried to bring it up discreetly with my sister, she practically ignored me and carried on painting her nails. We were deciding what to do with Desmond's notebooks.

Though, I noticed something. As soon as I picked up one, seeing as I was the only person in the room who could translate French, Kyle cleared his throat.

"Desmond's back now. There isn't any need for that. I mean, if we have any questions, we can ask him, right?"

I didn't know what he meant at the time, though I thought little of it. I spent the rest of my day sorting out my artwork and arranging appointments with buyers. Naturally, I thought I was alone until Woody wandered into my room. He had a smile on his face.

"Looking forward to the big day?"

My face grew hot as I looked at the engagement ring Dan had gotten me, and we hadn't even had an engagement party. We'd talked about our wedding plans since (more so at the festival) and we were setting a date for three months from now.

"I guess I'll have to," I joked.

Woody laughed and sat next to me, inspecting and marking sarcastic comments on the canvas I was developing sloppily since I sneezed over it and had to fix it, though it looked like total shit. He knew it, and I knew it too - though artwork was all about expression and putting twists on the ordinary.

As I reached over to grab a paint brush, the thought suddenly came to me why Kyle had been acting in a certain way toward me. _He had been the one keeping secrets. The one not wanting me to open those notebooks and translate them. What the hell was in them?_

The next time we all met up, I had given up completely on the whole Kyle situation. Throughout that evening, I had tolerated him making unusually frequent sarcastic comments. I tried to control myself, but I just snapped.

"OK. What is your problem? What is it?" I asked Kyle directly.

Everyone was staring at me as if I'd gone absolutely crazy. I knew that I hadn't, and I wasn't entirely paranoid. I sensed something wrong, and I was right.

Unfortunately, Kyle chuckled.

" _Problem?_ " he repeated.

My blood slowly started to boil for every second of silence that lingered. If what he was hiding was really that bad, then why was he hassling me? Obviously, everyone could see that there was something that wasn't right, so I rolled my eyes, crossed my arms and tried to cool down outside the nearest room.

A minute passed and nobody had checked on me, so I decided to make my way out, and quickly at that - until I bumped into someone! My mouth dropped and I apologised quickly. Then, for the first time in years, my eyes took considerable interest to the guy I'd bumped into. I wasn't sure whether he was lost, but he was an attractive white man with chestnut brown hair and an artistic beard to match.

"In a hurry?" he wondered, adding a little laugh to make sure that he wasn't annoyed with me not looking where I had been going.

"Quite," I replied.

Weakly, I smiled at him before trying to move past him, and we had that awkward communication thing where we tried to determine who was going where and when. When I finally did get past him, my walking came to a halt when I heard the sound of his voice.

"Um, could I be of help? At all?"

I thought about it for a moment, and remembered that my therapist advised that I should try talking to a stranger about my problems. The fact that I was even considering it was totally crazy. It seemed a shame to let him down, as he was a nice guy.

"Yeah. That'd be lovely, actually."

After I gave in to him, I must have spent about an hour with him at a little café.  I talked to him about how things had gone so well in my life lately and I had a lot of people to support me, but honestly, I still felt really alone. It was something that I could never tell Dan because he would become really anxious and worry.

Besides, it must have been a good idea to talk to him because I already felt a lot happier. We shared a total of six cups of coffee (and different variations of it) between us. There was an awkward moment where he got cream around his mouth and I spent five minutes trying to indicate that to him. The stranger seemed like a pretty nice guy in general - not just to talk to. The time soon came to leave, and a sinking feeling washed over me when I realised that I hadn't gotten his name, though he knew mine.

On the way home, I stopped off by Joseph's flat. He was in, though I decided against knocking on the door. Desmond had given off a vibe that Joseph was being very closed lately. Without even knocking, he opened the door, squinting at me with his brown eyes.

"What? How did you...?"

He simply shrugged and practically pulled me inside whilst flicking the kettle on, not replying to my question. I noticed that he was wearing a long sleeved jumper and jeans, which was unlike him as he had always complained about wearing sleeves.

"I suppose you came here for a reason, right?"

I nodded and headed towards his room, where he still kept the notebooks. His flat was only small, and I picked out the particular one we hadn't gone through as we all hadn't collectively decided what to do with them. I stood there and read through the pages. I must have been in there for a good half an hour when Joseph checked on me. He saw what I was doing, saw no problem with it and slumped on the bed, falling asleep within five minutes. _Hopeless._

I paid very close attention to the words that Desmond had written. When I had finished, I closed the book, my eyes widening.

_Kyle felt left out of the group?  He had a close friendship with Desmond?  Kyle was, wait - bisexual?_

Slowly, I looked up at the nearest wall and realised why he didn't want that getting out. _Well, I would do him a favour._

Through gritted teeth, I smiled at Joseph and left him be, taking the notebook with me and closing the front door.

*******************

BONUS P.O.V - The Stranger (remember that we don't know his name yet)

I sat in the run-down pub with my five friends (and they had been my friends for a couple of months now) and we had been having beer after beer like nobody's business and people were starting to stare, though we didn't care.

The night and our fun began to dwindle though, because the beer (though I hadn't said anything) tasted slightly off, and one of my friends in particular, who had the darkest brown hair and lightest blue eyes, had been on his phone for most of the night and hadn't touched a drop because a long-haired man sitting next to him had done that for him. The man who sat to the right of him was pretty cool looking, and never really showed his arms. Sitting at the end of the table was the tallest of us all, with a beard and a moustache. However, the man sitting beside me was the man I had least come into contact with, though he was my friend. His hair was brown and his eyes were always stern as if he was searching for something to use against you.

Though I hadn't told them of my encounter with that girl earlier in the day (as I feared they would make fun of me) she really was beautiful, her long, curly black hair falling slightly past her shoulders and how she seemed to pull off the no-makeup look effortlessly, compared to other girls. _Her boyfriend had to be really lucky._ He realised the mistake he made by not giving her his number, though he had probably saved himself the embarrassment in case she was taken.

As usual, I clung to my beer. As friends, we had gone out a few times. It was nothing out of the ordinary, though in my heart, it felt as if something was weird. Dan kept on making faces at his phone, wondering why the person he was texting wasn't replying to his calls, his emails or texts. I figured it must be a girl, as he did have a girlfriend. _I'd forgotten her name now. She obviously didn't want to talk to him, though._

"Charlie?"

The man sitting next to me looked at me to make sure I was all right, and I nodded. Kyle was humming a song, and I noticed he looked troubled. _What weren't they telling me? I mean, it wasn't that I needed to know - I just felt awfully confused._

As five minutes passed, I began to think about how nice it would be to have a girlfriend all of a sudden. Between following the idiot sitting in front of me around, there hadn't been much time, not even for a hook up. Of course, that meant there had been very little sexual activity going on (at least for me) in two years. _Two whole years!_ Having someone to cling to, that would be enough for me.

I began to feel annoyed. Less annoyed, however, when my friend's phone started buzzing and with a start, he answered it, relieved that his girlfriend was calling him.

Meanwhile, the guys started to talk about their sex lives and my expression turned very, very blank. My sex life was about as lively as a blank canvas - and I wasn't even kidding. I drummed my bored fingers against the wooden table, wishing that they were doing something more playful at that moment.

The following day, I joined my friends and we walked inside a building we had become very familiar with for the last month since we had all manoeuvred the this town. The city was quite nice, and it had its own unique feel, and I liked it. There wasn't really anything that was new to do, we just wanted to do our best with practising some songs that we had problems with and coming up with some new ideas where possible.

Sometimes, a thought crossed my mind that I was touring with the _Bastille_.

Soon enough, we were all on break and a visitor came in. I tried to keep my mouth shut when I realised who it was. They were holding an unfamiliar notebook and threw it at Kyle. To his dismay, Kyle caught it and looked through it, though he was thoroughly puzzled, like it was written in another language. (Of course, I couldn't see the book from where I was standing).

"To fuel your own ego," she said coldly to him.

It was only in that moment where I noticed a ring on her finger. _Sod's law, eh?_ Once she was finished with Kyle, she turned to a confused Dan. I watched as they shared a conversation between them, and it was obvious they were affectionate towards one another because Dan comfortably placed his hand on her back, and she didn't protest.

Somehow, I got caught trying to a disappear out of the room by Mark, who gave me a stern look. I chuckled nervously. It would be terrible if Alayna noticed me. Well, who could blame Dan? The girl was beyond beautiful - she surpassed beauty by a long mile.

Unfortunately it got to the point where the guys introduced me to Alayna, and I stared at her awkwardly, my heart racing. _Did I act like I knew her or not?_ I saw Mark eyeing me as if he knew something I didn't. _Shit._

"Hi. I'm Charlie Barnes," I introduced myself woodenly.

Alayna frowned at first, but she went along with it and told me her name as if we hadn't met each other. Technically, I had done the right thing as she didn't know my name anyway, so no harm was done. Woody then began to explain that I'd been touring with Bastille since 2015.

I smiled at her weakly, and felt a bit empty as she passed my side. She may be taken, but if she did want to talk, then I would be there.

 


	42. Way Beyond Will

The next day, it was noticeable that Will was acting a little strange. He woke up in a really cuddly mood, and normally, he would pick me as his first choice, then Dan, but he picked an unimpressed Charlie who sat with a grim expression on Bastille's communal sofa. He was staying with us for about a week. Charlie frowned at me, pointing to how Will was tightly hugging his left arm.

Then, Will got up from the sofa (much to Charlie's relief) and flicked the kettle like nothing had happened. _Maybe he was in a weird mood._ I did a sneaky thing and crept into his room and checked the medication cabinet that he set aside in there, but he had been taking his medication. Technically, he was fine - or _should be._

Things got even more awkward when I joined Charlie, Kyle and Will for a little movie night. I didn't know what the movie was because I knew I would regret asking. Desmond walked in, as he'd been helping with the band a lot more since his resurface. He obviously had to stay for a while, and had a short conversation with Kyle about going through something before awkwardly staying stood near the front door. Will noticed that. The only spare seat was next to me.

I didn't know whether it was a lack of communication or my paranoia, but Desmond (reluctantly) ended up sitting next to me. It was the first time we had been that close to each other in ages, and it felt weird. Will wouldn't have asked him to sit beside me if I had a problem with it, I knew that, but strangely enough - it was Desmond who looked rather uncomfortable and fidgety. He refused to look at me and kept his eyes on the screen. The night fell away, and a pit started to develop in the bottom of my stomach.

There came a time where I had to go and visit my GP again, and Dan preferred it if I had someone to go with me. He couldn't make the appointment, and that left Will as the only person to go with me. I mumbled under my breath as he picked me up in Dan's car from my flat, and I got in the passenger seat, hesitant to talk to him. Will drove at a reasonable speed, barely talking to me as we made our way to my doctor's surgery.

When we got inside, I was ready for my GP to send some positive words my way, but she wasn't very impressed with me. I'd lost even more weight from our last visit. She warned me that my blood pressure was slightly higher (after testing it) and that she basically declared that I was stressed and I needed to do something about it.

"Stressed? I've been...I've been doing everything. I-I mean, I've got engaged. I've been smiling more..." I trailed off.

The saddest thing was that I patiently waited for Will to fight my corner, but he didn't. He said something else, something life changing instead.

"You've also been in a serious crash. Had a familiar face come back into your life. Suddenly gotten engaged. Having to deal with secrets," Will said to me, quite bluntly at that.

I left my doctor's surgery in a foul mood. Of course, Dan wanted me in the Bastille household with everybody else but I couldn't be around everyone else and act like everything was fine. Since I was in such a bad mood, I fell asleep in the car.

Naturally, I was very mad to discover I awoke on the Bastille household's communal sofa. I felt grumpy that Will had gone against my wishes and brought me to somewhere other than my cosy flat. When he appeared from his bedroom, he walked over to me but I turned my back on him and curled into a ball, not wanting to talk to him.

"Well?" Will said.

Hesitantly, I wrinkled my nose at him and he pulled me closer to his side, the warmth from his fingers seeping into my clothes.

"Come on, Alayna. Don't stop running with me," he urged.

A smile spread across my face and I turned my body to face him a bit more. _Did he realise he was referencing Final Hour?_ I bit back my tongue and saw it fit to let him realise later. After all, I wasn't one to spoil the moment.

"I'll tell Dan," I promised him, making sure to look him in the eye.

That was all Will wanted, because once he was convinced, he rose from the sofa and flicked the kettle on. Lately, he had an obsession with nettle tea. Personally, I didn't like it and neither did Mark because it made him gag.

The following day, I made the mistake of visiting the guys in the studio. Genius followed me there (somehow) and I took that as an indicator that Polly had to be somewhere nearby - anything to get me away from Kyle and Woody's pointless bickering. Will was pretty cool about it.

Seconds later, the instruments started up and all I could hear were the following familiar lyrics ringing in my ears.

_It only matters if we care now,_

_If you're way beyond that_

Meanwhile, Genius stood on my feet (purposely) and looked at me. I rolled my eyes and scooped her up in my arms. I forgot how close Polly lived to the studio. It was as if Genius knew whenever I was in the studio.

I was hoping to spend some time with Dan later, but my sister kidnapped him to tell him some bride-to-be stuff about me. Naturally, I didn't ask because I was too afraid of what would be said about me.

Whilst working in the park, I ran into Desmond. We made eye contact, and he walked straight past me as if he hadn't seen me. It made my heart pang a bit, though I didn't dare to mention it when we were around the others the following day. Desmond continued as if normal, as if I didn't exist.

And it hurt me.

Throughout the next week, he had practically been throwing me shade and avoiding me more than usual to the point that I grew very annoyed.  I waited until I knew that the guys were finishing up in the studio where I caught Desmond walking away from me.

"Des," I caused his name, my heart in my mouth wondering whether he would respond or not.

His body was hesitant, and it let out a sigh as he turned around to face me, looking away from me. There was something different about him.

"What is it? Is there something wrong?" I inquired.

Another sigh came from him, and he leaned against the wall, looking past me to make sure that nobody was coming our way.

"It's Joseph. Called me, he's in hospital. They're sending him to some kind of mental hospital because he tried to hurt himself. I went up there...to...do the paperwork, but I left...in case they'd recognise me," he explained.

I couldn't believe the news, but I couldn't help but frown at the man.

"You are a walking dead man," I reminded him, trying not to sound so sour.

A chuckle escaped from his mouth, and I hadn't seen him laugh in what seemed like a long period of time. 

"Des, I mean, maybe it's time to tell your parents that you're alive and well," I suggested.

He shook his head.

"Alayna May, they'll fucking crucify me," he joked, though I could picture their reactions and what they might say. 

Well, there wasn't much that I could do. My suggestion was enough, because he smiled at me and said he was going to make his way over to his parent's house.

Meanwhile, I spent some time with Will because he planned to tell me more about the guy I was going to marry in roughly two months. I found out that Dan was a proper nerd, because he like to watch several TV programmes roughly every three months and he would never tire of them, which I thought was cute.

While I spent time with Will, Desmond was meant to meet with me ten minutes ago, but he hadn't arrived. My ex had always been very punctual, and it worried me . My stomach started to churn because I just knew, _I sensed_ that something was plain wrong.

My instincts were proven right when Louise turned up. We had a bit of tension between us lately, especially with her and Desmond lying about who Bradley's father was. Her shoulder length black hair fell on her shoulders, a look of concern washing over her face as she placed her bag on the floor as she walked in.

"Can you believe Joseph's in a mental hospital? God damn."

I sighed deeply, placing my hands on my knees. When she realised that I already knew, she sighed too and sat opposite Will.

"Do you know where Desmond is?" I had to ask her.

For a brief moment, she rolled her eyes before flicking her hair and turning her head to face me, a spot of guilt flashing in her eyes.

"He took off suddenly, said there was something he had to do. He said it like his life depended on it," Louise explained.

My eyes widened. Slowly and calmly, I rose from my seat and walked over to my room (in the Bastille household) to grab a light jacket. I slipped it on effortlessly and walked past Will, only for him to stop me by grabbing my arm.

"He'll come to you," and that was all the words that came out as a faint whisper from Will's mouth.

Somehow, I took his word for it and waited patiently until he returned or got into contact with me again. I began to think about how hard it must have been, realising that he had a son though he couldn't just suddenly appear from previously being six foot under, especially after having to lay low over a couple of months giving that his own twin brother had tried to kill him.

Mysteriously, just as Will had said, an hour passed and there was a knock on the door. By that time, Louise had already left as she had left Bradley home alone. Of course, the person that had knocked was Desmond. His face was covered by a cap and a pair of sunglasses, which was very odd with it being mid September.

"Des," I called his name.

A sigh escaped from his mouth as he removed his cap and sunglasses, and Will gasped at the bruise and long, bleeding cut across his face. Immediately, I rushed into the kitchen and flung out the first aid kit and told him to sit down.

"I think it's worth going to A&E..." Will pointed out, though my ex started to shuffle around uncomfortably in pain.

He cleared his throat, which again, indicated that something was wrong. _What had caused those horrible injuries to his face?_

"I wouldn't want to get anyone...in trouble," Desmond replied weakly, which was really unlike him.

I sat next to him, dabbing at his slightly gaping wound and hearing him groaning though he didn't actively complain.

"In trouble? Did you get in a fight? Did you see your parents?" I inquired, not knowing what else to say.

It got to the point where I was worried about his cut getting infected, so Will had to hold him down (despite his protests) while I applied an anti-bacterial kind of gel to it. It stung his skin greatly and he was still mumbling afterwards.

"Yeah. Mum wasn't happy. She threw a glass bottle at me. I guess I deserved it."

Will and I nodded and realised that was why he didn't want to go to the hospital because he didn't want the staff asking any questions. After all, he'd always loved his mum. We patched him up and his injuries were looking a little better, though slightly grim.

"Thanks though, it was the right thing to do. You _always_ knew what was the right thing to do," Desmond admitted, which caused my face to become slightly hot as I quietly thanked him.

We did make sure if he was okay, but he was adamant on leaving after that, so we let him leave. I risked a glance at Will, wondering how he knew that Desmond would come back to me. _Must be instinct._

"You're a mind reader now? That has to be way beyond you, Will," I suspected.

He rolled his eyes and did that cute chuckle I'd always been attracted to. I looked at the crutches propped up beside the sofa and an air of sadness immediately washed over me. He was getting a lot better after the accident after we persuaded him to keep on practising walking without them. Will could, and he would be off them in a week but walking with a limp.

"Well, you two will always have love for each other, I guess. No matter if it's intimate or friendship, hell, even _concern_ ," he added.

It was a fair point to make, and I wanted to keep an eye on him. I didn't want him running off anywhere any time soon. Unfortunately, I didn't have Joseph around to keep an eye on him anymore.

Although I offered to help Will up from the sofa, he got up himself with a small struggle and walked into his bedroom, sorting some stuff out though I noticed he'd forgotten his crutches and I brought them to his room.

"Are you thinking about kids yet?"

My face grew very, very hot. That subject was a hard one, a difficult one to navigate, especially when my parents brought it up in front of Dan before we even got engaged.

"I mean, yeah. I guess so. I hope so."

The conversation was left at that, and he grinned at me and I left him to his own devices since he could practically take care of himself. As I waited for Dan and the others to get home, my heart skipped a beat inside of my chest thinking of the future Dan and I could have if we kept on fighting for our love. The future that was waiting for us if we all kept on aiming for our dreams.

However, that couldn't happen. It could hardly happen. _Imagine me falling pregnant and Dan being on tour 24/7. How could that work?_

Though, Will did have a point. It had to be worth trying someday. I mean, it wasn't way beyond me and Dan. Our love was strong enough, we didn't need to feel the need to prove that or anything.

Right?

 


	43. The Glory Of Woody

A couple of weeks later,

Since we were all living in the Bastille household and things were always hectic, I noticed that Woody's mental state had improved greatly since the crash, but he started to act really weird lately. He kept on hanging around, and _more so_ than he had before. Whenever Dan, and I were having a movie night, he would join us. Hell, he would even interrupt on Kyle and Will's sacred card game nights that he _swore he hated!_

He then broke it to me while the guys were out that he really liked his girlfriend Charlotte, and he spilled to me that things were starting to get serious. It was strange, him opening up to me. It wasn't that Woody was a closed guy, but he wasn't the type to admit that he was struggling to come to terms with things.

"I want to get her alone. Tell her how much, or let her know how much I love her," he mumbled, and I found it really sweet.

There wasn't very many sweet guys out there, either. He brushed back his shaggy hair, waiting for my reply. It was understandable.

"Well, I'm sure you can have the house to yourself tonight, put some candles out or something," I assured him.

I made sure to mention not to let Charlotte see his room for the fear that he might be worshipping the devil.

"Everyone has things to do. Except, um, Charlie. He's like a sack of potatoes most nights," he joked, and I knew that was a hint for me to distract him.

I nodded and laughed and said that I would figure something out. Somehow, with Dan's help, we all managed to go to dinner. I invited Desmond and everyone didn't mind, but he was running twenty minutes late and I was starting to get annoyed. Constantly, I checked my watch and began to think that he had some kind of grudge against me or something he wasn't telling me about.

That man and his _damn pride._

In the nick of time, he sat down next to Kyle in the booth with his sunglasses and cap on and grunted.

"You can take those off," I hinted, and everybody around the table knew what I meant except Charlie as he was pretty oblivious to everything (it was cute).

Reluctantly, he took his sunglasses and cap off. His injuries had pretty much healed, but he wasn't looking at anyone. For some reason, he very much refused to talk to anyone as he was on his phone.

Dan squeezed my hand underneath the table. It gave me a sense of comfort when the waiter came by, anyway. I made eye contact with him and conversed with him in French. I didn't know how, but I just knew. It was a French restaurant, after all. Halfway through the conversation with the waiter, the guys looked confused and laughed but Desmond grunted.

"I am _not_ afraid of nuts. I have an allergy," he assured the waiter.

Desmond then started to butt into the conversation speaking French. It continued for another two minutes of the guys laughing and then the waiter took our orders and disappeared. His attitude seemed to have improved, because he was conversing with the others now. _Well, I hoped Woody was having a good night, anyway._

"You guys speak French?" Charlie wondered, a whole ten minutes after the event had occurred to which Will smacked him around the head and we all laughed.

Desmond and I nodded but didn't explain as it had been a long story. It consisted of us being on a date once, and we found a French woman who had been hurt be we were unable to converse with her, though we did manage to get her to a hospital. We felt pretty useless and rubbish after that so we booked ourselves into a couple of expensive classes.

Dinner was pretty nice, despite Will and Kyle gagging at Dan's seafood addiction. I wasn't a huge fan, Desmond was as he had barely eaten and was pretty grumpy by desert when everyone was eating chocolate and stuff.

"Are you sure you don't want anything?" Kyle made sure to ask, as he had barely eaten all night and I could see it in his eyes that he was starving.

"Nah, honestly. It isn't a good idea," he dismissed.

I scoffed.

"Just because you've got a nut allergy doesn't mean you can't eat out," I added.

Dan nodded at that point as I pinched some of his dessert while he was distracted as I had finished mine in haste. My ex fiancé rolled his eyes and looked at me, placing his arm on the table to reveal the start of a nasty, red rash across his arm.

"Holy shit. He said they didn't use any," I thought out loud.

_Liar._

"Nah, it's okay. It looks worse than it is," Desmond coaxed, putting his head down on the dessert-ridden table.

"Like hell it does. Get to a fucking hospital," Will urged.

Once again, he shook his head and I tried to figure out where the root of the nuts were coming from exactly. Maybe he was just irritated, I figured.

Suddenly, something bad happened when I heard someone call out something from a distance away.

"Alayna!"

I was surprised to find Jordan, my sister's husband, standing smack bang in front of all of us. Kyle, Dan and Will widened their eyes. _Oh God, he didn't know that Desmond was still alive, holy shit. It was only a matter of time-_

And he locked eyes with Desmond.

"Isn't he supposed to be dead?" Jordan asked, just to make sure.

A huge sigh came from my ex as the rash grew on his arm from what I could see under the table, and he closed his eyes. Dan swiped the packet of nuts from Jordan's hand (despite the protests) and dumped it in the nearest bin and came back to the table. A reasonable hum came from Charlie (who had been on his phone for the last half an hour) looking at a particular article.

That featured Desmond. _Local Brummy Twin dead, supposed suicide._ Don't tell me that he knew the whole time...

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

"You've been keeping this from me? Has Demi?" Jordan figured.

A silence fell upon the table. Honestly, it was so unbearable that my sanity could only be saved if someone said something very, very soon.

"Jordan, don't do anything rash," I warned him.

He stared my down with his green eyes, and Desmond before leaving in a rush. I saw no point in chasing after him, because there would be nothing I could say.

We heard the sound of Desmond getting up too.

"OK, where are you going?"

He shrugged and paid his part of the bill before leaving the restaurant and going into the wild, wild world outside. If I couldn't communicate with him properly, how could we be friends?

After a frosty night, we got back home and I asked Woody how his formal date at home with Charlotte went. He was quite happy (happier than usual) and said that it went really well. However, when the guys told him about the evening's events (as I hadn't warned them) he began to feel stressed, and he disappeared into his room without telling anyone.

I felt stressed to, because I called Louise. Our relationship was in pieces, so of course, she wasn't responding to me. I knew for a fact that Jordan wouldn't answer, so I tried my sister instead. It went straight to voicemail. Though I knew nobody was making a big deal out of finding Desmond, but I was worried. That rash on his arm wouldn't go away quickly, either.

So I took my thoughts and how I was feeling to make my fiancé consider something. I chose not to bring it up in that moment, but I would soon.

Another hour passed and we couldn't hear anything coming from Charlie's room. I didn't realise that even mentioning something going wrong like Jordan finding out about Desmond would send him off track.

A week later, Charlotte swung by, which was a pretty rare occasion. She chose to talk to me and she mentioned how Woody had made a lovely dinner for her and how they'd had a brilliant night, but she hadn't seen him for a solid week or heard from him at all, which was weird since the guys weren't touring. For the past week, we had suspected he'd been out and about, but I had a feeling that he was hiding away in his room.

"I mean, he's having a hard time," I assured her.

Charlotte sighed heavily and ran her manicured fingernails through her long, blonde beach wave hair.

"Well, I know you can get through to him," she mentioned, and my eyes widened at it.

"Me?" I said, just to make sure although there was nobody else present in the room at the time of our conversation.

Charlotte was very much sure, so she nodded. Taking a deep breath, I made no promises and simply told her that I would see what I could do. That must have been enough for her, because she left with a smile on her face.

My fingers were tingling by the time I made it over to Woody's bedroom door. I didn't need to press my ear against it to tell that it was silent. Slowly, I attempted to open the door by the handle, but it was obviously locked. My brain worked into overload at how to get him out of his room.

Seeing as there wasn't anyone around to witness what I was about to do, I opened my mouth and took a deep breath, tapping my knuckles against the wall.

_Stories told to me and stories told to you_

_And did you ever feel like they were ringing true?_

When the silence continued, I started to wonder whether he could actually hear me. I'd only learned the lyrics recently, though I hoped that they would be enough to spark a light of hope inside of him.

_And all their words for glory_

_Well they always sounded empty_

_When we're looking up for heaven_

_Looking up for heaven_

When I finished the last syllable of the last note of the part I was singing, I was surprised to see Woody's bedroom door open. He stood with one hand on the door, eyeing me with his pale face and cloudy eyes. For once, his hair was tied up. But most of all, he was looking at me in shock.

"You can...like, you can...?"

I put my finger to my lips and he got the message that we were _never_ to talk about it _ever_ again. _Imagine if my fiancé got his hands on that information. The things that he would do to me!_

"What matters is that you're out here. Engaging with the world."

Woody scoffed and walked past me and into the kitchen, flicking on the kettle to fill the awkward silence that was underneath us. He must have decided that he no longer wanted a hot drink, because he flicked the kettle again and made eye contact with me, the hope seeping from his eyes similar to how it had with Desmond's.

Of course, it had been too late to save him. Right from that moment all that time ago we met in that park, _our park_ , and we stood on either side of each other, opposite each other - hell, at war with each other and we both went home without saying a word.

"I sat there. In the crash. I used my jacket to clean up Will's blood. I sat there when the ambulance came. I didn't say anything. I was so frightened. Will was so lifeless beside me, I thought he was going to die. Without Bastille, I wouldn't...I wouldn't know what to do."

It must have been one of the first times he had opened up to me fully, so I took that as an opportunity to go over to him and comfort him. The words that came of my mouth after weren't as important. I just wanted him to know that I would be here for him if he ever did want to talk about the crash, or anything else for that matter.

After talking to me, he smiled at me.

"Bastille will be with you for life, in all its glory," I convinced him, nudging his sides which made him laugh.

His grin grew wider as he blinked at me.

"Yeah, you're right," he agreed.

And off he went to call Charlotte.


	44. The Power In Dan

I was surprised when Desmond and I were sitting very far away from each other in the Bastille household, and we were both on our phones barely talking to each other, even less than before when Dan walked in. Of course, we were going out to dinner together and I'd gotten all dressed up and everything.

"OK, I think you two should go out for dinner together," Dan suggested.

At that point, Desmond was drinking from a bottle of water. Even I raised my eyebrows at the crazy suggestion as the water sprayed all over the living room. I had to question whether I had landed in a parallel universe. _Was he not looking at what I was wearing?_

"You guys obviously have things you need to talk about. Meet me back here when you're done," he instructed, landing a kiss on my forehead.

I grunted and looked at Will to talk my boyfriend out of it, but he nodded and agreed with Dan. Woody had no opinion and Kyle was in his room. _Damn Dan._

Awkwardly, we were pushed out of the Bastille household by Bastille themselves, and I felt the cold chill of the fall weather. Desmond seemed pretty cool about it, browsing his phone. He would never call anyone, either. It was a pay-as-you go, since he was pretty much a dead man walking. He could see I was cold, and he wasn't sure what to do.

What he did do was take off his jacket and hand it to me. It would have been nicer if he'd draped it over my shoulders, but we weren't a couple, and it definitely wasn't a date.

_And reality hit me._

The restaurant Dan and I had planned to eat at was only a ten minute walk away, which was a bit annoying in my thin high heels. I was tempted to use Desmond as a leaning post, but we weren't on a date, and I wasn't sure what we were anymore. Damn, I loved Dan, but I wasn't sure if having Desmond hovering around in my life although he was harmless was going to do me or anyone else any good.

Like we were on an awkward first date, we got to a table and wasn't sure which side either of us should sit on, so for a minute we stood staring at each other strangely at our surprising lack of communication. I landed myself on my seat and a waiter came by. Dan clearly must have been thinking ahead because the waiters, (I wasn't sure how I knew) but they could speak French.

With a smile, Desmond conversed with the waiter and greeted him. The waiter couldn't have looked much older than eighteen, but his French was so immaculate that I had to lean forward and pay attention. I'd always found being able to speak another language a good, attractive skill.

Desmond began, " _Je voudrais-_ "

I interrupted him with a cough, and he chuckled and began to speak in English because he knew he was showing off at that moment. I wasn't brilliant at ordering in French.

"You're going to order the same thing, aren't you? Surely there isn't any need for that," I challenged him, though there was still a lot of anger I was holding inside of me.

My ex turned my nose up at my comment and tried to argue that he was not going to order the _same_ French dish he always ordered when we were out. It was one I struggled to pronounce, but I knew and _he knew_ what it was.

Suddenly, I heard the waiter wade his way into our French-turned English conversation and he laughed, looking at us.

"I take it you two are well acquainted, " the young waiter figured with a small, growing smile on his face as he made eye contact with me.

Naturally, I replied to the waiter with an obscure phrase in French before witnessing him smile at us before he went on his way with his little notepad. When I turned back to face Desmond, he was howling with laughter. My face grew hot.

"He so fancied you. Did you see the way he was looking at your chest?"

My face grew even hotter, to the point that it was boiling and I reached across the table and politely slapped him across the head.

"I doubt that. Shush!"

As usual, Desmond ordered the same thing, and when our food came, we ate in companionable silence. It wasn't as awkward as it had been a couple of minutes ago. I mean, we could be friends, but I didn't want him to feel as if he had to constantly distance himself away from me. The guys were quite reserved. As far as I was concerned, I had put what had happened in the past behind all of us.

Though we were having a good night, there seemed to be something odd about Desmond. Generally, he'd been pretty grumpy but I felt as if he was carrying something on his shoulders and we had to help him somehow. It was very rare that he would look at me directly.

What I did notice is that he had bags underneath his eyes, and he looked pretty tired in general, but this time, he looked exhausted, drained. Broken beyond repair. That was when I knew that something was wrong.

"How have you been sleeping?" I asked his casually, trying my best for it not to sound strained or out of the blue.

He scoffed.

"I haven't," he admitted, but he didn't tell me why.

I was careful from then on, navigating my way around our conversations. Desmond, although he didn't like to admit it, could be realty sensitive sometimes. If something really wasn't wrong and I scared him off, we could become really reserved and that would be the end of that conversation altogether.

After coming out of the restaurant, I walked side by side with Desmond. Even though we had gone out before together, things were obviously different now. His steps were lighter. Mine were lighter. Perhaps all we had done was made each other miserable, and that was the space we really needed.

It seemed to look like the best thing, anyway. We both had some power now, _equal amounts of power -_ and that was how it was meant to be in any kind of relationship.

The wind was biting at our ankles on the way back, and we still had another ten minutes of walking before we got back to the Bastille household. Our walk home, so far, was decent. Desmond would walk a couple paces in front of me at times and we would share quiet conversations about the food we had just eaten and how he thought about how nice the night sky looked.

Soon enough, we got to our destination and got ourselves inside. I asked Dan if it was okay for Desmond to come inside for a couple of minutes. He was okay with it, as I thought he would be. However, Desmond wasn't, and I practically had to grab his arm and drag him inside and he grumpily sat on the nearest chair.

I stood in my long cardigan and my dress, staring at him and trying to work out what on earth he was choosing not to tell me. It was obviously eating him up. For the last couple of days, he'd looked unusually scruffy. Of all the times in the past I had woken up to him checking his teeth, checking his hair. It wasn't like he stank of fish or anything, he just didn't seem like himself lately and I wanted to make it my mission to get to the bottom of things.

"OK, what is it?" I asked him, since my nerves were at an all time high and I had been driving myself insane guessing from a long list of things that he could be hiding from me and everyone else that knew him.

Kyle, who sat to the far corner of the room taking care of the electric keyboard he'd just been in the middle of packing out of its case before we came in, widened his eyes and questioned whether he should be in the room. I didn't even know if it was safe for anyone to be present at that point. Woody was helping him awkwardly too.

Dan and Will were sitting in Kyle's room with the door open, so they could probably hear but left us to our own devices.

"Are you using again?" I asked him seriously, sitting down on the nearest chair to me, and it made a faint sound as I crashed myself onto it.

A deep sigh came from the mouth of my ex fiancé, and his shoulders relaxed and came back down again. It was obvious that he was trying his best to keep his composure. We then heard the sound of him clearing his throat. _It was probably full of shit._

"No," he answered simply, and he did sound honest.

Though he did sound as honest as could be, there was no way I could just trust him on the basis of that. I needed spies, I needed the whole military force and more evidence that he hadn't been using.

"Desmond, what is going on because I'm having these thoughts, right, and if you don't-"

He interrupted me right there with a serious look on his face. The eye contact was enough for me to stop and come to my senses fully.

What I was looking at was _truly a broken man._

A lightbulb must have switched on inside my brain at that moment, because I had a feeling that I knew exactly what was going on with my ex boyfriend.

"You're not...you're not sleeping rough, are you?" I figured.

" _Alayna May!_ " he warned.

That was when I knew that I must have guessed right, because his face went slightly red and he started to turn his gaze to the floor.

"Not that," he replied weakly, though I exchanged a glance with Kyle and we definitely knew that he was lying.

"OK, sofa-surfing, whatever you want to call it," I renamed it.

It seemed to make him feel a little better. We all knew how big Desmond Green's pride was. I got it out of him in the end, but he began to explain how his mother wasn't okay with him suddenly appearing back into their lives and he couldn't possibly stay there. He obviously couldn't move in with Louise because of boundaries and all of that, so I wasn't even sure where he could stay.

"And why can't you stay in Joseph's flat?"

"Because I don't have a job. I'm a dead man, remember?"

Realising that his situation made things even harder for him and for everybody else, I frowned and thought very hard.

"I mean, you still can be."

Desmond laughed.

"I hope that isn't a threat."

I rolled my eyes at my ex boyfriend and his untimely sarcasm.

"You left money to me in your will. Please use that," I urged him.

At first, he protested but even a look from Woody across the room confirmed that it was alright. Joseph had delivered it to me (whether I had wanted it or not) to my flat, and I had picked it up and carried it with me since. I doubt it would run out anytime soon, so I handed him the envelope.

He took it without much protest after that, and I reluctantly let him disappear into the night. Will and Dan came out after that and commented on how intense that must have been.

I sat in the privacy of mine and Dan's room. He could see that I was fine and I didn't need much comforting. We must have talked for a good hour after that, and I slipped my cardigan off and was about to tie my hair up when my boyfriend placed a warm hand on my left arm. I looked at him.

"Hmm?" I hummed, wondering what he wanted.

I saw how he was eyeing me. Dan, strangely enough, had that look. It felt silly to give it a name, so I thought it was best to just describe it. It was like was undressing me with his eyes without even trying, and I felt my neck get hot.

His hands found their way to my hips, feeling the tight material of my dress and by the way he was grooming them up and down my sides, I knew what that meant.

"Desmond got to enjoy you for most of the night. Share?" he suggested, and it made me laugh at how much he'd missed me.

We came to kiss, and things were moving at a fast pace towards the bed. I was concerned that the others could hear us as they were all pretty much awake. Our kisses were a mess of our teeth clashing and our tongues getting twisted in each other's saliva. It was safe to say that we were hungry for each other.

Suddenly, I pulled back from Dan.

"Surely they'll hear us, right?" I whispered to him, imagining myself looking beyond our bedroom door, for it was as thin as anything.

"I'm gonna have control over you tonight, so they won't hear anything," he whispered back to me in a sexy, deep voice.

It was hard to stop myself from moaning as he gently kissed my neck as we lowered ourselves onto the bed, and eventually underneath it. I found myself caught in a trance as I had sex with Dan. It felt more real than it had with Desmond, more meaningful. As I guessed, it was even hotter underneath the covers.


	45. The Kindness Of Charlie

As Dan suggested not so long ago, I should try talking to Desmond. We were talking a lot more than usual since we went out for dinner together. Somehow, even though he was a walking dead man, he had managed to afford to pay for Joseph's flat and was living there and seeing Bradley as much as he could. In a way, I was proud of him - I mean, I had to be.

Things were going well, until I got myself drunk and I had promised Dan I would never come back to him like that. Obviously, Desmond hadn't touched a drop that night and he had to walk me back home. I was giggling and all sorts by then, and it reminded me of old times.

One second, we were talking, the next, it seemed as if we were reliving an old moment. My eyes widened and I felt my lungs fail on me as I began to hyperventilate. Desmond saw this, and he asked me if I was okay, but I thought about things too much and too quickly in the moment, and I could barely control my breathing. It reminded me of bad, bad times between us.

I began to feel sick as I opened the door to the Bastille household, making my way over to the bathroom.

"Alayna. Fucking hell, talk to me," Desmond urged.

It suddenly occurred to me that he had never seen me like that before. Charlie was in the room because he'd heard the commotion and peered over, wondering what was going on. I tried to focus on my breathing but if only got worse.

"You're having a panic attack. I'm trying to help you."

I scoffed.

"Help me?"

Angrily, I marched up to him and pushed him. This took him by surprise, because he gasped and stumbled a little. Kyle was in the room and he cleared his throat as a sign I shouldn't have done that, but I did.

"Help me like you had a kid with my best friend behind my back?" I figured, flicking my hair behind me.

My ex boyfriend was eerily silent at this and looked at me as if he was really listening g to every word I said.

"Help me like you do popping into my life when you feel like it? Rising back from the dead?" I challenged him, reaching out to push him again.

This time, I pushed him so hard that he almost fell over, though it annoyed me that he was taking it so well, I almost wanted him to lash out at me.

"Help me like letting Joseph get sent to a bloody looney bin?" I dared to say.

He seemed unsettled by that, because I saw the veins appearing in his forehead and they did not look healthy.

"If that's helping me, then you're insane," I assured him.

I didn't know where my surge f anger was coming from, but the adrenaline was in my system and I couldn't easily get rid of it. Dan did say that it was best for us to talk more.

"Well, you really know how to fuck with me, don't you?" Desmond said.

Kyle tried to intervene at that point, but we were both oblivious to the pair in the room. All I was focused on was my ex and his responses.

"Hell, I thought I was cold," Desmond had began to say, "and then you bring up my twin brother".

A laugh escaped my mouth at that point, because he was being absolutely ridiculous.

"Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't realise I could be colder than a dead man!" I shouted at him so loud it made Kyle jump.

Desmond laughed at that and tried to get past me, but I stepped in his way and pushed him forcefully. Charlie warned me at that point. Dan would kill him if he saw how he was speaking to me. He tried to get past me again, I did the same thing.

"Push me again," he dared me.

I raised my eyebrows. If he laid a finger on me, then everyone else would see him for who he truly was. So I reached out with my arms and dared to push him again. He got mad and gently pressed his fingers down into my collarbone so I was sat on the sofa.

Grumpily, I crossed my arms and looked at him. At that point, we heard the sound of Dan and Woody entering. Charlie and Kyle thanked them at this point. They obviously sensed tension, so they didn't say anything.

"So you're saying you would rather me dead?" Desmond figured, and I didn't like how he was looking into my eyes.

At that point, I asked him if he could speak to me in French but he quickly got annoyed at that. _Fine._

"You can speak to me in English. We're barely strangers to each other, though now..."

"I didn't say that. You're twisting my words."

At that point he interrupted me and fished for something out of his pocket. It was a packet of cigarettes. I protested against him having them, but he wasn't very happy with me.

"If I'm having it out with you, Lay, I need one."

The guys watched, not knowing what to do as Desmond and I stared at each other out of pure hate.

"Please go," I said to him.

"If that's what I get for trying to help you, fine," he agreed, getting up to go God knows where.

I watched him leave and stormed into my room, wondering when Dan and I were finally going to buy a flat to ourselves or something. Nobody bothered me for a while, until Charlie wandered inside and shut the door.

I'd always thought he was innocent looking, too. I found it cute that when he came inside, he caught me wearing one of Dan's shirts and he asked whether it was okay for him to come in, and I had said yes.

He sat on the bed next to me. I liked how he didn't talk for about two minutes. It was obvious that he was trying to think of what he was going to say.

"Alayna...I get it. Being an a horrible, _toxic_ relationship and just egging each other on..."

I looked at him, my ears starting to tear up. All those years, I never wanted to admit it but like Des, I had changed too. I'd started to be more honest with myself lately and even open up to my boyfriend sometimes, and I wanted to be more like the new improved Alayna Pinson.

"I mean, it has to diffuse at some point, and believe me, it will."

Feeling like rubbish, I threw my arms around Charlie. I hadn't thought about how it might have been too much for him to handle, because I saw his face flush red as I removed my arms from him. We sat in place though as I leaned on his soft shoulder, which was okay.

"I think I have an idea," I told him, and Charlie seemed vaguely interested.

I shuffled off the bed, though by the time I had, Dan already appeared and complained how Desmond was in a foul mood. We could usually tell. He seemed concerned, and Charlie filled him in about what went on. He wasn't mad at Desmond, he was more worried about me and how I was controlling myself.

Providing that Charlie left the room, (and he did) I decided to sit Dan down and tell him a secret I had been hiding from him for a couple of weeks. I took a deep breath, and his worry seemed to grow because he was nervously rubbing his hands together.

"When I went to my GP with Will, it turns out I'm stressed. I've um...I've got a leaflet and advice that was given to  me. I mean, I asked Will not to tell you. I'm so sorry, and I _hate_ keeping secrets from you and everything," I admitted.

To my surprise, my boyfriend, my fiancé, my husband to be, Dan Smith, simply smiled at me and pulled me closer to his chest while I felt guilty in his arms. He managed to calm me down after I started sobbing. It was strange, feeling so warm and so safe in his arms.

"I love you, and I can't wait to get married to you, flaws and all," Dan expressed, kissing my cheek gently.

I smiled and hugged my amazing boyfriend tightly as we set a date for our upcoming wedding. Surprisingly, Dan had more of an idea about the venue and the timings than I did. He was really excited and told me that I would love the decorations. I was sceptical of the food, because if I left it to my boyfriend, the whole menu would be full of seafood and the rest of Bastille wouldn't be eating for the whole day.

Three days later, I was due to go dress shopping. Polly and Leigh volunteered themselves to go since they had already been married. They called themselves experts and criticised every dress we walked past, totally getting on my nerves. Of course, I had no idea about wedding dresses so I had to turn to my best friend and my sister for guidance. Polly had worn one with sleeves and looked very elegant, whilst my sister wore a sleeveless sweetheart dress but I was very surprised that their creative ideas did not clash.

All I wanted was a reasonably priced wedding dress that was white. At one point, after trying on the second dress, Polly did ask me what Dan thought about the whole dress choice, and I began to panic because I hadn't even considered what kind of dress Dan would like me in. _Tight fitting? Loose? Comfortable? Hugs in all the right places?_

Suddenly, I had visions of my fiancé ditching me at the altar because I had picked the wrong dress for our wedding day. My eyes widened, and I looked at my dark skin against the bright white wedding dress I was wearing in the shop's mirror, my heart starting to race rapidly in worry.

Naturally, my sister and my best friend noticed that I must have been overthinking the dress choice because they both walked to my side and put an arm around me for support. I appreciated that.

"There's no need to be so nervous. Dan loves you. He's been through hell and back with you, and he's so understanding," Demi-Leigh assured me, and I was beginning to think that she was right.

My fiancé had always been so supportive of me - even letting my ex fiancé, my ex almost-rapist boyfriend stay in the picture so that he could be around to look after his son. Who wouldn't want to marry a person so accepting like him?

"He's really good-looking, so hell, _you're so lucky he's the lead singer_. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure he'd do _almost anything_ for you, Alayna," Polly added with a cheeky grin and a sharp pinch to my waist on my left side.

I laughed and hugged them both, thanking them for their encouraging words. The butterflies that had been in my stomach soon went away, and I looked in the mirror and a true bride was staring back at me. Calmly, I took a deep breath and concluded that I was officially ready to get married. 

Within an hour, we bought the dress and I went home to relax, smiling to myself about being able to call Dan my husband in less than a week. Though, I remembered that I had to thank Charlie, or I wouldn't have felt as calm. Finding out I was stressed had made me even more stressed ever since, especially when I felt that I couldn't even make my own boyfriend aware of it.

All that Dan and I had was each other now, for life - and it was scary to think so, but I wanted to work towards _that life,_ a life worth living.


	46. Good Grief, a Ceremony on Our Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sad to end this!  
> this has been my life since the new year  
> I hope you guys enjoyed the ride, I certainly enjoyed making the characters and my plots and stuff... awww...  
> r.i.p lost in a wild world x
> 
> I'm not sure if i'll be writing another bastille fanfiction either  
> thanks so much for kudos and hits.

 

Less than a week later, I awoke in an empty bed, rolling my eyes at how superstitious my fiancé was about us not seeing each other until we arrived at the wedding venue (which he still hadn't told me about). I rolled out of bed, a smile on my face as I was finally going to marry my boyfriend, the man who I had had feelings for the last two years. I just hoped that the venue would be everything I would imagine it to be - dazzling its guests with bright white lights, complimenting people's outfits with the well picked colours of our wedding's theme, not to mention serving _amazing food._

Naturally, I got ready for the day. I made my way to the bathroom and my sister and co must have heard me because they came running upstairs. I wrinkled my nose as my friends and my sister got me in a massive bear hug, almost causing me to completely lose my balance and fall over - and trust me, on a girl's wedding day, that would have been _embarrassing._ My sister and Polly were the ones who were the most excited, mostly because they were married themselves, and couldn't wait to see me in my dress and fully in glam-mode.

At barely eight in the morning, I was ushered into my flat's bathroom. As prompted by Luna, I put on a weird scented face mask and she convinced me it would make my skin and my makeup look so much better in the afternoon. It was an ugly looking black face mask, and I stood in front of the bathroom mirror frowning at how freaky it was making my face look. As I waited for it to dry, Luna and Louise kept me company by getting to know each other better, and it turned out that they had _a lot_ more in common than I thought they would. Louise was a hairdresser, and she was going to do my hair later in the day, and Luna had been a makeup artist in the past.

I hadn't been there in a while so (admittedly) I had trouble turning the knob in the shower because it had _always_ been stiff. Once I stepped in there anyway, my face mask melted off and my skin did (weirdly) feel better. Naturally, I proceeded with shaving and using a sugar scrub. Upon stepping out of the shower, drying off and slipping into a silky dressing gown, Louise was more than happy to do my hair for me since there were rollers already in.

Then, Luna and my sister prepared a light breakfast for me consisting of several thoughts and some diet-like bread with a splash of olive oil. As predicted, I frowned at the small and low calorific selection of my bridal breakfast and reluctantly thanked my friends and sister.

Awkwardly, I started to eat a handful of strawberries and grapes for my breakfast as I watched everyone present gather round me and watch me eat every bite. I knew that they were _dying_ to ask me whatever they wanted to know, so I rolled my eyes and made a gesture indicating that it was fine for them to do so.

The most keen was my sister, who leaned forward immediately, flicked her hair and batted her eyelashes at me.

"So, kids," she hinted straight away, making my eyes bulge and my throat very _nearly choking on my grape!_

I took a moment to think about it, and though Dan and I had only just touched on that briefly, it was very hard to picture inside my brain. Since Demi had put me on the spot in front of everyone and I was already feeling anxious, I had to come up with something to say - and _quickly._

Before I could even muster a reply of some sort, Luna propelled herself toward me and started jumping up and down, along with Louise and all I could make out was a bundle of black and dark brown hair.

"Forget about that, will you wear that bracelet I gave you with the dress? Will you? Will you?" Luna quizzed me, making me back away from her in my wooden seat slightly, scared for my own safely.

Unfortunately, Louise wasn't far behind from Luna's craziness. Though she had stopped bouncing up and down, she started to poke at my rollers and talk about how good my hair would look and how she wanted to dye it for me after the wedding. Their energy was too much for my brain.

"Have you made sure to use that deep conditioner I gave you yesterday? It smells better than sex, _trust me_ ," Louise assured me, and I was very concerned that they had all had something to drink before I had woken up because they were bouncing off the walls, bearing in mind that it was barely nine o'clock in the morning and they were _already_ making sex references.

However, they were clueless as to what it was like to date someone famous. Dan and I had been very lucky in our little love story and how we had came to like one another.

"Obviously, our wedding...it's...going to be on the news, if we're lucky...the very next day. I don't know what...people are going to think...of me, and I can't think of anything else but...that right now," I admitted slowly to them.

They gave me understanding nods, and I began to regret even saying that in front of them because they couldn't understand. Luna glanced at me briefly, and Demi was looking at me blankly.

"Well, people think greatly of you. You're an artist, Lay. People know your name - it isn't like you're new to the public eye," Leigh pointed out, and she had a good point at that because I hadn't even _considered_ that my career did sometimes get me media attention, whether it was wanted or not.

Looking in the mirror in front of me, I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. Thinking too much had always been my downfall, ever since I became a teenager. _Rushing into a relationship with Desmond, neglecting Joseph's friendship and wise words, not bothering to inquire more about Louise's pregnancy at the time, and most of all, pushing myself away from my sister completely._

"Plus, you were mentioned in an article of being one of the hottest Instagram girls, even if it was for just a week or something like that," Polly added, poking at my hair and criticising Louise briefly and they had a silly squabble, though it was funny.

"I could do with earning five thousand _followers all of a sudden,_ " Louise hinted, as she was trying to get her hair salon some more attention, though it was failing.

Eventually, my nerves faded away and I was able to look in the mirror in front of me calmly, with my friends and my sister surrounding me. Suddenly, I felt more calm and my heart rate was slower. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and pictured myself walking down the isle - it was all I had ever wanted as a child, when Desmond proposed to me. _To get married, to share a piece of my life with someone else._

Soon, I was fitted into my dress (with awful help from Polly and Demi) and was ready to leave my flat. My palms were sweaty as I looked out of the window, seeing the wedding cars my mother had surprisingly helped pay for waiting outside. I took a deep breath as my anxiety had gotten worse lately, for I feared she wouldn't be very happy about my wedding day. With a push from my sister, she walked in front of me while my friends walked behind me to watch the trail on my wedding dress.

My parents appeared from the wedding car, and they ran up to me dancing around like idiots. It wasn't even the wedding reception and mum was already crying, holding my face in her hands and telling me how beautiful looked. Though I had grown to despise her over the years a lot of the time, I found myself crying too, and if I wasn't careful I would look like a _total mess_ in front of my husband! With another push from Leigh, myself and my immediate family got into the main wedding car, whilst my friends were to make their way to the venue.

We were sat in the car for a good five minutes before my mother turned to me and placed a hand on my left knee. She leaned forward.

"I want four grandkids," she whispered, and there was a serious tone to her voice that made my eyes widen.

My dad chuckled at that, because he thought it was funny and my sister did not look too impressed which must have meant my mother had said a very similar thing to her when she was about to get married. Nervously, I laughed and her comment took me back to a time where I let my emotions get the better of me, even wishing that _I wouldn't be carrying Dan's child._   I was past that now, I told myself.

Anyway, when we arrived at the reception, I realised it was a lovely venue with amazing colours and was bursting with my favourite flowers, too. My face felt hot at how amazing my fiancé was, and I couldn't _wait_ to marry him. The receptionist at the front desk smiled at me as my family and I walked over to her. We signed in, and I braced myself for walking into the hot room before me.

With sweaty palms, I held onto my dad's arm as I promised he would be the one to give me away. He smiled at me and told me to calm down. Slowly, I walked into the reception, my heart racing as all of mine and Dan's guests standing up looked at me, and I heard some of them whispering about how beautiful I was.

Though, the reception wasn't even important, it was seeing my fiancé, my husband to be, _Dan Smith_ , standing at the altar with a massive grin on his face. Of course, he'd picked Mark as his best man to avoid any bias with his band members. _He was so cute!_   I smiled at him as my dad eventually left my side after giving me a kiss to join my mum who was sat down in the audience. There I stood, opposite my fiancé. 

What the priest said in front of us wasn't of very much importance, as I was focused on what Dan had sticking out of the pocket of his suit. He smiled at me and told me he wished to read it to me, and my heart was working overtime.

"Alayna," he began to say, still with that dazzling smile on his face, "You're the anchor that I tie to my brain. When it feels, like I'm _lost at sea_ , you're the song I sing _again and again_ , all the time."

Though I knew he was quoting one of his own songs, I could have melted into a puddle right in front of him at the altar, because it was so romantic. Then, I read out a little something I did for Dan (though it was pretty embarrassing and I never wanted to repeat it).

Then, in less than three quarters of an hour, we were married, and honestly, I had never been more happy in my entire life. Since we had left that room and gone out to the main reception with the food, I had not let go of Dan's hand, for the fear of losing him. I was _so happy_ that he would be mine for life.

As he held me in his eyes, I was in complete bliss when he got the playlist for our wedding correct in every way possible. We shared our first dance, just like we'd always wanted, to a Coldplay song by the name of Midnight. It was a sad one, but our dancing made it worthwhile and meaningful. Just after the song came to a close, I looked at him seductively and linked his fingers with mine.

"I love you, Dan Smith."

The man I was looking at was now my husband, as his mesmerising blue eyes were staring back at me with just the same amount of love of them - if not, then _even more._

"I love you, Alayna May Smith."

I giggled at that, now that I took his name. Feeling excited, I dragged him to the edge of the dancefloor where the members of Bastille were still yet to congratulate us on our marriage. Charlotte was there too. Kyle immediately gave Dan a massive hug, and I was surprised to see Will nearly in tears. In fact, it shocked me.

To display our affection further, we shared our first kiss after our vows, and it was truly magical - unlike _anything_ I had ever experienced before.

"I saw this happening, one hundred percent," Will bragged, and I rolled my eyes at that because for a while, I was pretty sure that he _liked me._

Dan rolled his eyes at that too and laughed, snaking an arm around my waist and kissing my neck in front of the guys, making my whole body tingle. _Man, I just melted at that man's touch, like putty in his hands._

"Can't believe you're the first of us, man," Kyle groaned, looking at me in a different way, like he was a proud father.

For the first time since saying our wedding vows, I let go of my husband's hands and let him have his fun with his friends whilst I went back to mine. They were more excited than I was, which was concerning. As soon as they saw me, all dressed in white and my veil all over the place, they went crazy.

"Bitch, you're fucking married!" Luna screamed, and she had never been one to care, and that was _exactly_ the kind of friend I was looking for.

"I know!" I squealed back, trying to jump up and down with my friends also, making sure to look back at my husband across the room for fear I would lose him somehow.

The whole night was everything I could have asked for - my parents being nice, Dan's parents being _amazing_ about our marriage even though we had only met a few times, my sister, the food and my friends. For the first time in my life, I felt as if my life was complete and I had a goal to focus on - my marriage with my husband and looking forward to the future - _looking up to heaven with Bastille._

_Though, Good grief! We had a good ceremony on our hands._

 

_\- end_

**Author's Note:**

> This story is also published in another place (so please don't feel the need to notify me if you do see it)  
> And, I will warn you (if needed) when the drug abuse, abuse and general other things come up. Not yet, though.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> note: I wrote this story a few months ago, it's almost complete. I finally wanted to publish it


End file.
